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Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Primary education

Do I talk to this girl's mother or speak to the teacher?

95 replies

Amanda1 · 13/10/2006 10:46

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Marina · 13/10/2006 10:48

Straight to the teacher if this is a playground/school social issue. And I wouldn't let this go until you've got to the bottom of it. Good luck...

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pindy · 13/10/2006 10:50

Don't wait til next week, try to speak to someone today. Good luck X

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Pinotmum · 13/10/2006 10:51

God I was about to post a very similar incident on here. I am also in a quandry about whether to speak to the child's mum or just let it go. I am trying to get my dd to see it's not her that's the "problem" and that girl in question is obvioulsy not a happy child! Oh I am so cross today

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Amanda1 · 13/10/2006 10:51

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CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 13/10/2006 10:51

Definitely talk to the teacher

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Amanda1 · 13/10/2006 10:53

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pamina3 · 13/10/2006 11:00

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MrsWobble · 13/10/2006 11:00

I'd talk to the teacher if I were you. i went through something similar last year when my dd was in Yr2 - she was part of a group of 4 and one of them (not her) kept being left out of things - I think it started as a bit of a joke but became quite hurtful to the excluded girl. I found out about it when I was telephoned at work by the teacher after school one day. I then telephoned the mother of the other girl that evening to let her know we were taking it seriously and dealing with it. Basically it was a joke that got out of hand - the 3 girls were spoken to by the teacher and we reinforced the message to dd at home - I think the other parents did too. There were then a slightly sad couple of days but the 4 of them are now back as a group and it's all completely blown over.

It was horrible at the time but I was pleased that the mother had spoken to the teacher and escalated it because these things are much easier to sort out if they are nipped in the bud.

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Pinotmum · 13/10/2006 11:01

Dd is yr 1 and has a friend called E. Anyway E can be a bit moody in the mornings. When dd approaches her she turns her back on her and looks sulky - fair enough. I have told dd just to leave her and she'll cheer up later. This morning she told dd "go away" and "don't talk to me". She then pushed in front of dd in the line and started chatting happily to another girl. Dd was just looking at them and then at me confused. I said very loudly "it's not you S so don't worry about it" (as in the problem). I know dd will attempt to talk to this child all morning and eventually this child will relent. Dd went to E's house last week and E came to tea on Monday and gave dd a birthday card on Tuesday so I know she likes dd but why does she manipulate dd and why does dd allow it? I don't know what to do without seeming to over-react as there was a similar "manipulator" last year who has left and E seems to have stepped in to fill the gap.

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Amanda1 · 13/10/2006 11:14

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Marina · 13/10/2006 11:16

Yes, well we all know what a famous piece of work he is Amanda He is an arse and you are doing the right thing. Hope you are feeling better, your dd sounds a sweet girl.

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Pinotmum · 13/10/2006 11:18

Dh just couldn't give me reasonable advice on this so I won't ask tbh. He would simply say don't play with her which I think is for dd to work out and decide. I want my dd to undersand she doesn't HAVE TO accept this treatment but then I'm an adult not a 6yo

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Amanda1 · 13/10/2006 11:20

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MegaLegs · 13/10/2006 11:23

It's important to talk to the mother too. I cocked up a decent friendship last year when I got involved with a bullying incident in ds's rec class. When the mother of the alleged bully found out that half the class had complained about her child to the teacher she was mortified as no-one had spoken to her.

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Pinotmum · 13/10/2006 11:29

Amanda1, you know your dd and have seen her upset this morning. Ignore twunt and do what you feel you must.

I have sort of mentioned it to the mum in a passing comment way but the mum just says "that's E" and seems pretty exasperated by her morning moods.

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Amanda1 · 13/10/2006 11:29

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NotSoUseless · 13/10/2006 11:36

I don't know what the answer is, I don't know what I'd do either.
I remember this happening a lot in primary school to me. There were a group of girls who were the girly girly type (the opposite of me) who would invite me at their birthday parties and make me be the maid, serving them tea and all. and I wasn't allowed to touch some toys, nasty stuff like that, nothing major though. I remember being hurt by that, still now I'd like to give them a good bashing. I did not like them much even then but the esclusion bit makes you want to belong, IFSWIM.

Anyway, girls can be really bitchy from a very young age. (ever read cat's eye by margaret atwood).

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fartoobuzzi · 13/10/2006 12:31

Parents can sometimes make things much worse, two have in my case by going into the school without me being aware first, and by not having all the facts. I would speak to the Mum.

Start off by saying we all want our kids to be happy. Try to listen 70% and speak 30%, you will come over more calm and in control. See if you could meet in a park etc with her and DD's to see for yourselves they are OK. Sometimes its another child mixing it up for them, making it worse for them. Try to let them to sort it out - outside of school. I asked a mum to do this and she said she was very busy, so i told her I could make it anytime(actually I couldn't) so then she couldn't not accept.

My daughter was told off on 2 occasions in the last 3 years by stories which were made up and very one-sided and escalated by parents, before I had chance to find out . It was not my daughter fault in the end (the teachers even told her that), but she is a quiet girl and wouldn't stand up for herself. My dd has had problems each year and is now in Y6. Same class mates throughout each year, which she gets fed up with. There is no serious bullying like physically hitting - but girls stuff, like being excluded from Birthday parties and the others saying how great it was in front of her (one even told her they were talking about her at a sleep-over) ! Girls can just be nasty.
It is a hard learning curve, but out of this she knows who she can trust, who to be cautious of and those who stay well away from.
TIPS: when she was smaller and someone said something nasty, I told her to image them with elephant ears or a trunk - something that she could imagine making them look really silly. Then to shrug her shoulders and walk off. I also gave her a diary to keep with her in the playground. She could write me notes and feel that I was close by. Or just a nice picture to show me at the end of the day, then she wouldn't be bothered if she wasn't in the gang and left on her own.
She manages much better than ever before and takes things less seriously. She is even friends this year with some of the ones who were nasty last year. "yeah, but that was then she says" and "it doesn't bother me now, I know who I can trust" and that is just one girl in the whole class apparently.
Needless to say the girls are all now friends and some of the parents have fallen out.

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Amanda1 · 13/10/2006 12:55

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nellie245 · 13/10/2006 13:01

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Pinotmum · 13/10/2006 13:06

Amanda1 I am so sorry to hear this - your poor dd! What on earth is that mother thinking of appraoching the teacher and expecting her to be part of this. It probably wouldn't do any good speaking to this mother as she sounds pretty dumb but I would have to let her know I know what she said and that her dd was being pretty nasty about it as well so I hope she was proud. I am angry for you so god knows how you're feeling

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PhantomCAM · 13/10/2006 13:09

I'm upset for your dd Amanda and I'm very surprised that the teacher told you this so directly. Isn't there any confidentiality?

Girls really do fall in and out constantly at this age, the most important thing imo is that the adults set the example and don't fall out. You will have to rise above it.

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Amanda1 · 13/10/2006 13:16

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nellie245 · 13/10/2006 13:28

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fartoobuzzi · 13/10/2006 13:40

I am so sorry for your daughter. This happend to my D in Y3.
A parent (so called friend ) went into the school, made a big fuss about her child falling over (my child sniggered - slightly - didn't push her or anything, infact helped her up. Parent got wrong end of the stick and went int. The teacher told my dd "Not to speak or go near child" My dd cried at school, spent the break in the toilet as she could not play with anyone as they were mixing with horrid child.
She was so upset she didn't want to go to school the next day. I rang the school and said I needed to speak to the teacher. She was off so I saw the head of the year, who knows my daughter and couldn't beleive what had happend.

This is just plain crazy. You should get an apology from the parent and the school for taking this too far without your knowledge. Insist that if there are any further discussions with your daughter and her teacher about this that you want to be present.

Do not worry u r not alone, Tell your daughter to keep a diary, it will help. Get her involved in lots of outside school clubs to make new friends to build her confidence up. Tell her its their problem not hers (or yours for that matter).

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