other parents questioning my child without us being there.

[andyndionne]

Hi,
I just wanted to know what the forum felt about the following situation and whether there is anything legal that can be done to stop this..

Over the last few years, my son (now 9)and his friend (also 9) have been bullied at school, by a boy who has an over protective mother, my son always seemed to get caught when he retaliated and being brought up to tell the truth always admitted to hitting, poking, kicking this other child, but not knowing how to tell someone that he was retaliating. As his parents we decided to let him sort it out, but be there to support him if it got too much. About a year ago I caught this boys mum berating my son after an incident between the two boys. The teacher at the time apologized and said she bought the issue out of the class only to find the mother there and could not change the situation.. Since then there has been some animosity between us as parents, where we have told our boy to stay away from their child.. Our boy and other boys have continued to be bullied and the bully goes home and gets questioned about the day an only states what others have done to him. That is the background. Now for the bad bit. My son, his friend and a couple of other boys were caught talking about killing this child using bleach in his crisps or poison berries or a sniper rifle. I cannot condone this behavior from my child under any circumstances and my wife was rightly called into the office to chat with the headmistress. A plan of action was put in place where the boys were going to apologize to the boy in question and a workshop involving all 5 of the boys was to take place to bring the 4 silly boys and the bully together to resolve the issue. This was duly done. THE ISSUE is that the headmistress then took my child and the other child involved in the incident into an office with the bullies(victims) parents where they were questioned and made to apologize to those parents WITHOUT myself or my wife being present. When I heard this I immediately went cold with anger and talked to the headmistress the next day. She told me that it was discussed in the meeting the previous day that this would happen. None of the other parents whose children were involved and were in the meeting remembered this as we would have all refused. I can believe that this over protective Mother had instigated this and as she is a trouble maker, got her way.
Is there anything I can do after the fact to ensure that my child is not questioned by other parents without us being there... I emphasized the point to the head teacher, but need something a little firmer to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Just as a sideline...
To cap this all off, and I am no way condoning my sons behavior, the Mother called the police on Friday afternoon and said the while thing was a racial issue because they were not Caucasian or christian and this was what motivated the 'attack'. The police were understanding when they cam over and I gave a frank and honest review of our contacts with the over protective mother and they said they would go back to them and have a talk. Please understand this is not just the view of the family by myself as a parent, but also a reflection of some of the other parents views as well (I am not a gossip, just a very angry Dad trying to do the best for my son).. Roll on Monday when we go back to school.

I suggest move schools & get away from the whole situation.

I have to agree with lljkk. You need to make a break from all this for your son's sake.

i don't know what to make of the death threats. Do 9 year old boys have access to bleach and sniper rifles?

I think its your child and the other boys, who are the bullies tbh.

I don't think they were planning it with a view to carrying it out so much as thinking of ways out of a situation but I'm basing that on the fact that when i was about 9, I pretty much hated my siblings and drew a rather unpleasant assault course map that involved several lethal options, with pictures of them doing them! Didn't mean I would ever have carried it out, or that I would have taken steps to work out how to carry it out - but it did convey the depths of my feelings about them at the time.

But - going back to your point, OP - I don't think there is anything you can do in retrospect, it's happened now, other than to get an assurance from the Headteacher that next time such a situation arises, written permission for such an interview will be obtained, so that there can be no misunderstanding.

Agree with the other posters - read your own post OP and open your eyes. Why do you believe what your DS tells you about the situation but then find it so hard to understand why this other mum believes her own DS??

Also, it makes no sense that 4 boys together would be 'plotting' against a 5th when the 5th is the bully. If it doesn't make sense, it's probably not true.

Whilst I would agree with you that the other parent(s) should not have access to your child without your presence or knowledge, I think you are spectacularly missing the real issue here.

I don't think the HT was in the wrong to get your child to apologise at all.

It's pretty extreme to be discussing ways to murder someone so I'd want to get to the bottom of that, rather than worrying about who's said what to whom.

Mine does not have access to any of these things. He is only allowed to watch age appropriate TV (his favourite thing is the world cup and phineas and Ferb), no Computers or internet at home. Is mine the bully? I will have to look at this, but every other child my son reacts with is fine. Maybe I spelt this out wrong, but my son is not an angel, but when he comes home crying every night, who is the bully???? when you see the other child get someone in trouble and walk away with a big smile on his face, who is the bully???? When mine does his best at football to include the younger kids and not to tackle them too hard as it is not nice. Who is the bully????? When a teacher comes to you and apologises to you for the other parents and not being able to do anything about their son, who are the Bullies??? When he goes to cubs and makes sure that the others always get their stuff first and helps others. Who is the bully???? When a smart child who is regularly a year ahead on his work, gets called all sorts of names by this other child and gets told by us to ignore it all the time, then who is the Bully???? I think I may have spelt the situation out wrong. But instead of help, this is a thread going the wrong way. I try to be honest and lay out the situation in the best way I can without apportioning blame and the focus is where I do not want it... The killing was suggested by a boy with ADHD who starts these conversations like this and then goes to a teacher to report them. Someone who puts Bleach in crisps obviously doesn't know anything, sniper rifles???? a boy with an older brother.. berries.. how often do you say do not touch those they may be poisonous. And how bad must the bullying be for this to have happened in the first place. Read between the lines... stop focusing on the bad story telling.

What OfficerVanHalen said.

I think you might be better off focusing on how to prevent your son getting into situations where he needs to be 'questioned by other parents'.

You have much bigger problems here than your ds being spoken to without you or your wife being present.

Take a step back and ask yourself what you would do if you found out that a group of boys were planning to harm your son by adding bleach to his crisps.

You are right to be "cold with anger" but you are angry at the wrong people. Have a good look at your son's behaviour and the children he chooses as friends. Have a good look at yourself and your reactions to his behaviour. You had good reason to think your ds was being bullied but you let him sort it out himself.

This is a situation that had got well out of hand. You either sit it out until the end of term and aim for improvements next year. Or you get in contact with your local Pupil Admissions team to discuss if there are any schools locally that have places on your son's year group for September.

I was ROCK hard on him. he was thoroughly berated, all clubs removed from, toys taken away and grounded. I do not condone the behaviour in any way.

agree

nope, not wrong. I know my son is not an angel, but definitely not a bully. see later post in this thread.

You seem convinced that your ds is innocent and at worst begin led astray . Honestly, boys of this age see all sorts at each others' houses - on pc, games consoles, tv, films - and will feed off each other with ever more wild ideas. There is every chance your child is as implicated as the others. He may well not have understood the seriousness of what he said so maybe now is a good time to learn.

Thanks, but I cannot, I have too much tied here. The boy who is behind all this has been moved from school to school already because of bullying. I am just hoping his parents will open their eyes before it gets too out of hand. It is a sad thing to hurt others just to get your mums attention. (My thoughts on this).

I don't know what to 'focus on' having read the OP a couple of times now.

What an awful situation for you and I scan understand your anger with the situation and the way it was handled by the headmistress.

It was not acceptable to get your son to apologise to the parents (sounds like the parents have issues tbh).

My advice would be look at the kidscape website (excellent and useful advice), they do not seem to condone the idea of 'restorative justice' as described by getting all the boys together etc.

I am sure the family of the single boy would tell a different story but
I can only comment on what you have presented.

I do not condone what your son (or the other children did) however they are still relatively immature and perhaps are angry about the fact that this boy has not stopped doing whatever it is they dislike.

A difficult situation to deal with, I hope you can get some resolution.

LIZS, I agree.. most of the time he is home in the garden playing football. He is not allowed in other children's house, we restrict the TV to kids programs. But with a group, he can be like the rest, just not taking part, but sometimes putting things forward as he is quite eloquant.