Tell me honestly - how bad is it not to go to parents evenings??

[TwistedMelon]

DS parents evening is coming up. He's in Y6 at a very small primary (under 60 children, only 2 class teachers).

Parents evening is always a total PITA. They do it so the appointments start straight after school at 3.15 and run til 5.30. I can't collect DS every night, he often walks home, so I always miss the sensible times and all that's left is 5.10 or another time that's totally unworkable with smaller children to look after.

Last 2 times I've booked an appointment I have been kept waiting in the playground for well over 30 minutes. The last time it was in fact 45 minutes at which point the mum who was 2 appointments ahead of me was called in, so it would have been ages before I was called! About a week after that I was asked to see the head to be shown 'some very important information about DS progress' so I duly went in to see the head only to be shown a graph comparing DS to the national average and was told he was doing very well

That was 12 months ago and I've not bothered with parents evening since. The school is small enough that I know the teachers would collar me if there was a real problem. I know from helping DS at home how he's doing academically and have no concerns at all on that front. DS asks me to go in sometimes before or after school to see work he's especially chuffed with so its not like I don't pay any attention or see any of his schoolwork. I don't really feel the need to see any graphs about how he measures up to the national average so don't really think that a 1-1 chat with his teacher is going to do much for anyone. But today I said in passing that I wasn't going to go and got a whole bunch of faces from the parents who heard, and one "but its SATs year!" as though that makes a difference...?

So... how bad is it, really? Does this mean the school think I don't care about the DC's education?

Sorry should have clarified - the appointents are booked by putting your name on a sheet pinned to the door of the classroom. So the early bird catches the worm - if you aren't there to collect your child the day the sheet goes up, you're stuck with a stupid late appointment that will be 45 mins late as well!

I am sure loads of posters will say it doesn't matter but I think it does, I think you might get labelled as uninterested.

And if your child is doing well I should imagine they'd like you to hear about. I think it sends quite a negative message about how you view their education tbh.

Parents evenings a a nightmare. As they can't stick to appointment times, don't go. But to avoid appearing disinterested arrange to speak to the teacher some time after school or send in a notebook with questions fir the teacher to fill in. Yes, a little unfair to the teacher timewise but it may encourage them to get more organised & stick to times. And you are entitled to enquire about your child's progress any time of the year.

Can you arrange to see the teacher another night?

I always have parents who can't make parents evening for one reason or another so I make sure I had time to see them another time if needed

I think Y6 is probably one you can miss, actually. Unless you have any SATS/school transfer/other pastoral issues, and it doesn't sound as if you have.

They'll have decided what sort of parent you are years ago

What does it mean when you are labelled as uninterested? What are the consequences.

It's I am interested I find it so frustrating. They don't give you any details - It seems like a waste of time.

parents evening isn't just about progress though is it? its about behaviour and effort and attitude.

My DH is a teacher, although secondary. His view is that the parents that turn up for parents evenings are never the ones he wants/needs to see.

If your DS is doing well & there are no problems, I really don't think it matters. The children that are struggling and/or playing up are the ones the teacher needs to talk to the parents - and those probably won't come.

I have always gone to parents evening, but it is usually a waste of time. Like you, I talk to my children & have a pretty clear idea of what the teacher will say before I go, especially at primary. Oh, so she writes good stories but her handwriting is messy - who knew? Her spelling is ropy when she gets carried away - well knock me down with a feather. She is chatty - blow me. It does seem like a charade.

I don't really care if they label me as 'disinterested' - I mean, how does that affect anything? I know I am not disinterested so their opinion matters little to me.

Its just seems like such a big faff, going back to bloody school at a PITA time of day, waiting around for ages, then being shown a graph and told that DS is doing great and polite and a very good reader and do I have any concerns, no, right then out the door. What a waste of time!

Yeah, exactly. It would be better if parents night was a demo to the parents at once of what's going on this term so we would all have more detail and maybe a q n a session. And then arrange separate meetings for parents with further individual concerns.

A campaign to have them running on time helps. Ours (primary) used to run really late, everyone complained and now the HT and Admin prowl the classrooms with a stopwatch and it never goes over by more than a few mins now which is a real improvement. The appointment system is fair too, they write giving you a choice of days (some are after school slots, some later) you choose your day, they collect them all over the course of a week and allocate the times, they make sure siblings have close together but not overlapping slots too.

I only have ever been to the first one if the new school year.

I always tell them I won't come to any more unless there's a problem and have never had any problems with this at all.

Then again I've never had any specific issues, or any discipline or grade problems. If I had then I guess it may be a different story.

My dd is in sixth form and I've not been there either. You get grades/predictions regularly through the post, and as long as they are good then I don't see the point.

I love my kids really

Why on earth would they label a parent with a good kid who has no problems at school (ie a credit to their parents) uninterested in their education is beyond me.

I always go - I work a the school and see his teacher most days anyway and she gives me updates if he's done anything particularly good etc. I see him in the playground so I see how he's interacting etc. I think it's important to go, for one it gives DH a chance to speak with his teacher (DH has asperger's and probably wouldn't go alone) and it shows the teacher that we value what she does. It's also good for DS (who comes with us) to hear his teacher telling us how well he's doing - I think children benefit so much from hearing the teacher tell the parents the positive stuff.

I agree they are a PITA in some ways, and our teachers always run massively late too, but my DCs would be outraged if I didn't go. Tbh they'd think I didn't care and would tell me this in no uncertain terms! They do attend the sort of school where 99% of parents are massively (sometimes overly) involved in their child's education and it is rare for a parent not to turn up. I actually do find them quite helpful, not so much because of what they tell me about my children's progress but because the teachers have often noticed things that have happened - re. relationships with friends, for instance - which I have not been told. Via this route I discovered that one of my daughter's 'friends' had been making very disparaging remarks about her, which explained some mysterious comments my daughter had made at home. Or I'm told about certain achievements, deserving of praise/rewards, which the girls hadn't reported. Things like this obviously don't make it on to school reports but it's nice to know them. I've also received good ideas from teachers - for example, on how to encourage my daughter, who is not an enthusiastic reader, to find books she enjoys. So yes, I would make a big effort to go - most teachers are very good about finding ten minutes after school on an alternative day, if the time they give you on parents' evening is unsuitable.

*I missed ONE.
I got a letter instructing me to make an URGENT appointment to see the teacher.
They are also making a note of all parents who make/don't make/don't keep appointments and will be contacting me again 'if necessary'.

No issues
No concerns
My son is 6.*

wow. what happens once they make note of you

I am very tempted to stop going, but chicken out every time. I go, they run late, they have nothing to say ("no problems, everything fine" - even if blatantly not), they dodge any concerns we might have. I invariably have to pay for childcare when I go (and need to overestimate the length of time I will need because of late running). It works out much better to drop a note in asking for a chat re specific issue next week. The teacher has enough time to prepare a proper answer and is not already shell-shocked from 29 identical conversations in a row. If the teacher has an issue, I would expect to hear about it before parents evening. I just don't think parents evenings are very useful.

I think I'd be tempted to say I couldn't make parents evening but could you please arrange an appointment on another day?

I think it depends very much on the school. My school has a policy of two a year, which are more opportunities to see your child's work and encourage some co-operation between parent and teacher. They are not compulsory, though they are encouraged, and if anything important arises or if the teacher has concerns about the child's ability/application, the teacher gets in touch directly as soon as possible, rather than waiting for parents' evening. It seems to work very well.

I have always attended all my DC's parents' evenings where possible. On the few occasions I have had to miss them because of unavoidable pressures of work, I have politely requested an alternative day and been granted it. As long as teachers don't feel you are taking advantage, they seem to be quite co-operative in my experience because many of them understand exactly what it's like to have to miss elements of your child's education because of work constraints.

I wonder if this what people they are talking about when they say they have been labelled by a school as a 'bad parent'.