School friends from deprived families

[poppytin]

DS1 just started reception in September. We didn’t get our first choice of school which could be seen from our house due to oversubscription and sibling rule. DS1 now goes to second choice school which is in a more deprived area although the school has performed rather well and been improving. We’re 7th on the waiting list for first choice school which has very low turnover so chances of getting in are pretty slim. I have no issue with the school as given its circumstances ie high FSM and SEN its performance is very good. However I can’t seem to make myself like the families of the children there. At the school gate I’ve met people in their pyjamas, with cigarettes on their fingers, piercings on etc. I’ve seen people shouting/swearing at each other in the playground while waiting for their children. DS was invited to a birthday party of one of the boys in his class and it was the worst house I’ve ever set foot in. Mom was in nightie with a cig on when we arrived at mid day. DS1 appears to be academic, loves reading and writing, both DH and I have masters from redbrick units and are in professional jobs, our house is walled with books and CDs.

DS loves his school and teachers which is the main reason I’m using to calm me down. However I worry whether the environment where his friends grow in would have an impact on him and his education.

Any opinions?

I will not get over that KingRollo - I wouldn't want them hanging round with people who did drugs in front of them either.

OK, I'm sure that's true. But all the rule following in the world isn't going to make a dim pupil get good exam results.

Yu say that collum but DD's school gets absurdly good results from a very mixed ability bunch.

Sure, it's not just the rules (though they play a part), it's the bonzo resources and the massive parental support.

What I mean wordfactory, is that some people are considered to blame for shit stuff that happens to them, where others just get sympathy and understanding.

ummmmm.......where is the OP????

ha ha, you don't send the family a questionnaire. You just meet them. If you didn't enjoy the ram-raiding for pudding then you and your family just don't go there again.

Maybe that's a self protection Amber?

If we blame a person for their own misfortune we can coinvince ourselves that it won;t happen to us, because we won't make the same mistakes.

I often find that the least tolerant are those just a few steps from poverty. Perhaps that's because the proximity is very frighteneing.

Do you really think it is acceptable to smoke in front of other people's children then?

I don't know anyone who smokes apart from one of my brothers. I wouldn't stay in a place in proximity to someone who was smoking and with two grandfathers who died of lung cancer caused by passive smoking then I am afraid I would have to prioritise my child's health over what might well turn out to be a transient friendship.

Besides which it doesn't have to be heroin, it could be coke (done in private but coked up in charge of the kids) or it could be dope. Both of those are as bad in my view as smoking. I have a right to make health choices for my children based on proven evidence about the effects certain substances have. It has nothing to do with socio-economic status.

Our German relations have learned to smoke outside on the balcony. They've cut down too, now that smoking involves getting cold.

Of course we can only react to the bad habits that we know about. Some people are far better at keeping their vices hidden than others.

On the subject of the OP I think the biggest influence is actually the personality of your child. I am one of 4 decidedly middle class children who fell on very hard times and hence grew up in council estates and went to the kind of schools where I got beaten up every day for wanting to learn. My parents were very focused on us all doing well. 2 of us have and 2 of us haven't. 1 in particular has achieved nothing in life, begrudges the rest of us our success, smokes, drinks, swears, uses drugs, is in mountains of debt, has been bankrupt twice, never stuck at a job. He was exposed to the same very poor schools as the rest of us, but due to different personality and different response to adversity he has developed down a different path. My parents probably put more effort in trying to sort him out than on the rest of us combined. The school did influence him, he couldn't cope with the bullying and harassment the rest of us had and went with the easiest route of joining in, skipping classes, smoking behind the school etc. If the OP's child is like that then she is right to be concerned. If the OP's child is like many of the posters on this thread who have done well for themselves despite any difficulties in their background then she has no need to worry.

You are right we can only react to the bad habits we know about - but it would be ridiculous not to react to the ones we do know about!

Maybe that's a self protection Amber?

If we blame a person for their own misfortune we can coinvince ourselves that it won;t happen to us, because we won't make the same mistakes

Oh yes, Ive seen that attitude about all sorts of things, happens a lot.

But I mean, people that take very different views on the same situation, based on the status of the person it is happening to.

I often find that the least tolerant are those just a few steps from poverty. Perhaps that's because the proximity is very frighteneing

Agree with that 100%. Often seen in people earning min wage who think they are 100% paying for [out of their tax credit topped up wages] the benefits that the woman down the road gets.

I don't have much constructive to add to this thread other than I think if a child is enjoying school and the school is good, It's probably better to leave him there and just keep an eye on things, than to uproot.

The nighty thing I would be a bit at, but if your child had a good time and was taken care of, never mind! (She may just be eccentric or concentrating more on the kids having a good time than what she looks like) as I would the swearing and abusive behavior toward other parents but really, you can get this at 'middle class' schools-and I'm sure not all the parents are like this. Bad behavior stands out more than good or neutral behavior, nature of the world. If you give people a chance you may find they have hidden depths.

For the record I'm post grad educated, pierced and swear like a trooper (albeit not in front of kids). Also I just drove to my friend's and back in my pjamas and quite often venture to the corner shop in the same.

Takes all sorts. :)

I think the "benefit-scrounger" hysteria is a modern phenomenon. (Discounting how the Victorians made the workhouse able-bodied poor pick oakum in return for alms. But then the Victorians were a strange bunch.) The poor have been in receipt of aid since the creation of the welfare state with little rancour until lately.

Common, I can't be the only one thinking that this is a wind up ....

Come on, sorry silly auto correct

Lots of posters expressed disbelief.

Hence all the deletions.

Oh, I missed that.

So if you think it is a wind up you get deleted????

Yeah just watch.

Troll thread.

You only get deleted if you say you think it's a wind up or trolling, because that breaks MN rules and suchlike.

You won't get deleted if you just explain that it's very unlikely that the birthday party mother (or mom as in the OP) was wearing a nightie while she hosted the party. And perhaps speculate that it was in fact a gown made by ghost or something equally fashionable.

You might though.

It might be deemed 'mild troll hunting' [Bitter]

.So mild troll hunting is the mild peril of MN: a bit improbable.