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Original poster

Parents Evening Grief

177 replies

NikitaWhoWillNeverKnow · 10/10/2013 18:27

Why are school giving me and my DS such a guilt trip because I refuse to go to parents eve?

They haven't even asked me why I won't go.

I'm in the playground twice a day. If there was a problem they could approach me then.

I know, more or less, his levels.

But all this talking doesn't help me or DS.

Why do they want me to go to this meeting?

And why are they guilt tripping my DS?

There are lots of reasons why I won't go. All of them to do with me being very unhappy with the school.

The HT has offered me a meeting but I don't want that either.

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Original poster
NikitaWhoWillNeverKnow · 10/10/2013 19:33

I'm listening to the advice. And thinking about it. But I get very upset when I have to talk to school.

I have spoken (in past years) to the SENCO and the govs. But they're a big part of the problem.

If the SENCO was better we wouldn't be in this state.

OP posts:
nkf · 10/10/2013 19:33

You want them to say what you want. And to agree with you. That's all. And maybe they are right. And maybe you are. But, there is (to my mind) something very off putting about how you present your case on here.

Badvoc · 10/10/2013 19:34

I think there may be a rather huge back story here we are not getting?...
You sound like you have no faith or trust at all in this school and
I guess now it's year 6 at least you dont have to put up with it much longer?
Does your ds want you to go?

BeerTricksPotter · 10/10/2013 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Badvoc · 10/10/2013 19:36

What - in a nutshell - is your problem with the school and teachers?
In one sentance.

colditz · 10/10/2013 19:44

From their point of view, you have copped out of supporting your sons schooling. That's why they are asking him to get dad to go in - they are trying to engage with SOMEONE who has this child's interests at heart, other than being angry with the school and refusing to talk to them because you 'get upset'.

You do not have the luxury of 'getting upset', you have a job to do. If you think your son has serious issues, email the head teacher and copy the governors into the email, being very clear that you expect a reply.

You don't get to disengage. You don't get to strop and refuse to talk to your sons school. You are not four.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 10/10/2013 19:46

Hi Nikita, you sound very upset by it all. For what it's worth ....

I would either take up the opportunity to meet with HT (without DS) and try to raise the concerns you have, and talk about his IEP, without getting too upset.

OR

Go with DS to the ten minute parents evening and talk about some positive stuff (like you feel they want you to do) - but for DS's benefit.

I do agree that it's hard to raise concerns or more difficult issues if you have DC with you. Cynically I wonder if that's part of the reason for this general development - parents evenings used to be for parents, including to raise concerns. Now it's very short with several forms to sign, targets to read etc. So basically all their agenda ! I think they're trouble-shooting by getting in there first and leaving little time for parents to raise stuff !

Anyway at our primary parents were only encouraged to bring DC, it wasn't compulsory. Compulsory attendance of DC seems a bit off to me ? I'd take whatever opportunities are offered to talk without DC present.

HTH Flowers

lljkk · 10/10/2013 19:50

DS has behavioural problems but at Parent Eve last yr his teach made point of just talking about his academics. Only the academics. It was a nice change!!

Original poster
NikitaWhoWillNeverKnow · 10/10/2013 19:50

I'm not sure I can say in a nutshell what's wrong. There's a lot of back story.

But I don't want to listen to them tell me DS is a 4b in reading when he can't read a book to himself or do his homework or research stuff.

I don't want to listen to them to tell me DS is a 4b in maths when he can't do 3 digit subtraction.

Etc.

OP posts:
cloutiedumpling · 10/10/2013 19:52

How about arranging to see either the HT or class teacher outwith PE and sending to them in advance of the meeting a list of the points that you wish to discuss at that meeting. You could state that you will be taking notes and will send a copy of the notes to the teacher the day after the meeting has taken place. This could help to ensure that all of the points are addressed at the meeting, which seems to be one of your concerns.

Original poster
NikitaWhoWillNeverKnow · 10/10/2013 19:57

I just feel we've said it all before. A hundred times.

And I don't want to keep discussing it.

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Original poster
NikitaWhoWillNeverKnow · 10/10/2013 20:01

If they really want to discuss stuff, why won't they answer my concerns via email like I've asked?

OP posts:
Badvoc · 10/10/2013 20:01

You sound very unhappy and stressed.
Does your ds want you to go?

moldingsunbeams · 10/10/2013 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThisIsMeToo · 10/10/2013 20:04

TBH, I think that there is so much back story there (I am guessing a while primary years worth) that you have a point in saying that the situation will be hard to change now, esp if the HT, SENCO and governors are all the same.

I would get some advice from people who have children with SN and SEN. And write a letter to the HT, copied to the governors, stating what you expect them to do re the IEP. There are some good websites to help you (Can't remember the name but people of the SN board here will be able to help) and demand the school to take notice.
EG an IEP has to be writing, not just a spoken word. Meetings can have minutes documented so they can't get out of what they have agreed to do and what they have refused to discuss will also be documented etc...

I would also put what you have said in writing, eg level 4b in reading (which too low anyway for Y6) isn't actually representative of his 'real' level.

I am actually wondering if they aren't trying to protect themselves as your child nis in Y6, will have the SATs at the end of the year and they will be able to say 'Mum didn't want to support the school' if he is failing (so it won't be the school failing him iyswim).

Putting some pressure on the child like IS wrong, esp when it involves being called at the HT office!
If they wanted to know why you aren't coming or find ways for you to come to the parents evening, they could have talked to you in the first place!

Floggingmolly · 10/10/2013 20:04

You can't discuss problems in a parents meeting
Yet you've refused a proper meeting, and make the point that you're in the school yard twice a day; do you expect them to approach you there? Your refusal will come across as extreme disinterest, if it isn't just go Confused

BeerTricksPotter · 10/10/2013 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NikitaWhoWillNeverKnow · 10/10/2013 20:05

But I still really don't understand what they want to say to me.

Why do they need to talk to me to tell me everything's brilliant?

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 10/10/2013 20:05

Have a brief meeting with the HT.
You say you've said it all before.
But what have you said before - what do you want to say to them ?
Anything at all ?
What are your biggest concerns about DS at the moment?
eg. his reading ? moving up to secondary school next year ?

Good luck Nikita. Try to talk with someone at the school, just to keep communication slightly open ?
And like you say, it's his last year there - maybe a move next year will be good for you all?

nkf · 10/10/2013 20:05

Maybe they want to have a discussion, not an email exchange. Maybe they want to show you something. Believe me, a child can be 4b in reading without ever reading a book to themselves. The levels aren't about reading for pleasure or doing research.

stargirl1701 · 10/10/2013 20:06

We advise parents who are struggling to engage, for whatever reason, to bring a representative to the meeting. Parent to Parent is the charity we tend to work with. They meet with parents before and after the meeting to clarify what you want to know and then follow up to check you are happy. If relationships have broken down to this extent, I think you need to consider something like this.

ThisIsMeToo · 10/10/2013 20:06

Btw, I agree that there is little to say or learn at a parent evening at the start of the year. Even teachers have told me so. It's all about settling in (which is fair enough for a R child or Y1, not so much for a Y6).

And that at parent evening, a lot of teachers only want to talk about the good stuff not the bad. Have had that too and getting answers about the 'bad stuff' is like pulling teeth out.
And I think the school and the teachers are good!

ThisIsMeToo · 10/10/2013 20:09

nkf really wouldn't you be worried about a child unable to read at the start of Y6? Or unable to do some sort of research independantly?
Because I would.
In less than a year, that child will be 'independent' and will be assumed to know how to do some research. he will have a very hard time in secondary, regardless of the 'official' level of 4b (which is still failing in Y6)

Original poster
NikitaWhoWillNeverKnow · 10/10/2013 20:10

They know it's not disinterest

They know it's anxiety about talking to them. They know it's because we've had years of horrible meetings.

They have said some truly terrible things to me in the past.

OP posts:
girliefriend · 10/10/2013 20:13

Why on earth is he still at this school? Confused

Am I missing something? If I was this unhappy and dissatisfied with my dds school I would have moved her a long time ago.

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