Primary school insisting my child takes water not squash to school, despite there being a medical reason for it

[TheOriginalNutcracker]

My ds is 10 and suffers from frequent migraines. He takes daily preventative meds for them, and we try hard to manage them by eliminating triggers.

Obviously, dehydration is a major trigger, and so I need to make sure he drink enough during the day. I send him to school with weak squash in his water bottle, as he is not overly keen on water, and so will not drink enough of it. I know this to be the case from seeing him drink at home.

School are kicking up an almighty fuss about it. I have spoken to them countless times explaining why he needs the squash, and have also written a letter insisting he be alowed it, abd again explained why.
Today he was pulled into the heads office because of the squash.

I went in after school and asked to see the head. I was told she could only speak to me for 2 minutes. She came out and right away knew why I was there. She just went on and on about many people not liking water and getting headaches, but that other kids would think it was ok for their child to bring in squash also.
She then said that my ds had promised earlier that day, to try and drink only water next week. So basically they got him to agree to this in a meeting with no parent present.

I explained again about his migraines, but she basically insisted and just said that ds had agreed now.

Is there anyting I can do about this ? I think their treatment of him and his condition is appaling. We have also had issues where they have made him wait for calpol when a headache starts.

Fairenuff Mon 08-Jul-13 20:04:32
"I agree daft which is why I was trying to think of strategies that the OP could use. How about, no computer/ds/wii/xbox/phone/etc. until you have drunk 500ml of water. That would probably work."

And if the teacher is not even to be in charge of reminding him, how will the OP know the water has been drunk rather than poured down the drain?

There are some SNs that would present through a child being very restrictive in what they will eat / drink. I'm not saying this is true in the OP's case but it is not beyond the realms of possibility.

If this was true the problem would require more consideration from the school, they might have to bend the rules. It might not actually cost them much in terms of support for this one issue. Some children, due to their particular SNs will not be incentivised through the withdrawal of privileges at home.

As this could so easily be solved opaque bottles etc I don't really see why the school cannot be more understanding....

Rabbit - No, it has been imposed for teeth reasons and becasue the stickiness of squash in a classroom full of children is a bloody nightmare.

rabbit if he gave up squash he might find his migraines reduce tbh. They might be linked to the additives etc in the squash, they are for a lot of people.

I agree daft which is why I was trying to think of strategies that the OP could use. How about, no computer/ds/wii/xbox/phone/etc. until you have drunk 500ml of water. That would probably work.

And if the teacher is not even to be in charge of reminding him, how will the OP know the water has been drunk rather than poured down the drain?

Sorry, cory I didn't make it clear, I meant that the OP could do that with him at home, to get him used to drinking water. She could specify that he has to drink it in front of her.

Obviously, once they have cracked it at home, it will be more natural for him to drink water at school.

And I suppose they could do the same in school, just make a little chart to take in and get the teacher to sign it when he has drunk the water in front of her, or office staff, whoever. These are just some suggestions for OP, in case she's lurking.

AmandaPand - the OP did discuss ways of trying to eliminate squash. However, there isn't enough info in this thread on, eg, how long this has being going on. If he is recently diagnosed, which appears to be the case given the comments about constant trips to the doctors at the moment, and he and his parents are still getting their heads around his condition, having to be on medication and so on, then I think the school should cut them a bit of slack - he hasn't yet got to the stage where he fully accepts this is something he needs to control, let alone that he does not have carte blanche on how to control it, and his parents are fixated on getting fluids into him, which they are finding hard enough whilst simultaneously trying to work out his other triggers, without limiting his options to only one type of fluid. I suspect they are panicking at the moment, as they try not to stress him out because that's a migraine trigger, but try to force him to drink more when he doesn't want to, which is stressing him out. As for protecting children's teeth, that's all very noble but sometimes there are more pressing issues, particularly in children who do not have tooth decay. I see no more evidence of the school being interested in working with the parents than you see of the parents being interested in working with the school.

But water is not unpalatable. It literally is not.

Where did she say that Rabbit? I can't find it. I can see her say she's tried freezing the water and different bottles?

I agree that there is no evidence of the school working with the parents. Which is why I was pointing out that there is no evidence of the reverse either. Lots of people are saying 'the school should X, the school should Y' when actually we don't know many of the facts. And, of course, we've heard the OP's version of events, so more likely that salient facts in her favour would be included.

AmandaPand - She said she'd try squeezing lemon juice into his water to give it a bit more flavour.

TOSN - I have in the past found water pretty unpalatable. It tastes completely different in different parts of the country. It took me quite a while to get used to the taste of the water when I went to university - it was so disgusting it even affected the taste of my tea. Needless to say, I got myself used to it in the end, but I vividly remember thinking it was so vile at first that maybe it was contaminated...

In this case, the OP's ds has been described as being young for a 10-year old, having some learning issues, seeing things in black and white. He sounds very much like a child who might well have mild sensory issues/be bordering on a diagnosable condition other than just migraine. I would not, therefore, be dismissive of the parents' concerns.

None of those things are the same as working towards eliminating squash. That is going to be a long term project - as others have suggested perhaps reward charts, perhaps increasing diluation. If the school knew that there was a project towards eliminating squash they might be more flexible, but squash seems to be the long term fix.

And since she still hasn't answered whether he can have other drinks at lunch and break, we don't actually know how much of an issue it is- could be 90 minutes, could be 6 hours.

That sounds fair enough, Amanda - OP should approach the school with a long term project where they attempt to work together constructively, rather than imposing blanket bans or insisting on the status quo. There is clearly no love lost between the OP and the school, and a complete loss of trust on the part of the OP that the school has her ds's best interests at heart, so something needs to be done rather than both sides digging in heels rather pointlessly.

Agreed

Meanwhile the child should not be left to suffer during the power struggles between parent and school.

It does sound like the squash issue will not go away overnight and the school does have a duty of care regardless of a parent's willingness to engage with them.

The OP is in a difficult situation because she has been unsuccessful so far in getting her child to drink anywhere near enough water. Added to this she is not an employee, this is her child, so there will be a certain amount of emotional turmoil involved. The school should be sympathetic not add to the stress.

I'm a lawyer and you see it all the time in legal disputes.

Person A wants X. Person B thinks this is unreasonable so says no. Person A gets more and more insistent that they need X and gives reasons Person B finds unconvincing. So Person B's refusals get stronger and stronger. Before you know it, positions are entrenched and no one thinks about Y and Z which might be compromises. It is both party's fault, but equally if you hear either of them talk it will sound like they have been shafted by the other side.

I am still stuck because I don't know if this is an all day rule or just in classroom drinking bottles. If it's classroom only then it is short periods and I'm not sure a phasing out rule is necessarily needed - maybe just reminders to drink the squash when available until he gets the hang of it. If it's all day, something more long term. But one of other of them will have to break the deadlock and propose a long term plan. If it's not going to be the school, it will have to be the OP. Yes, the school could well be at fault for not proposing something, but sometimes you have to put that to one side. Or the school may not be at fault since we don't know all the facts.

491 messages about squash or water...squash being 90% water!

As children don't get enough exercise I think I would start each lesson with a run around the school field - I run so would run with them- and then they would all need to drink. They would concentrate much better in the lesson after a run and the water. I really can't see that after 2 rounds of the school field and everyone else drinking water that he is going to say he had to have squash.
I could understand it if he was little but this is a 10 yr old who knows he needs to drink to avoid migraine and water is on offer and water prevents it.
Personally if I was his mother I would take away certain privileges if he didn't drink the right amount- I bet he would get on with it. Of course he is going to hold out for sugar and flavouring if he thinks he can get it.

exotic If it were that simple, withdraw a few privileges and hey presto perfectly behaved child, there would be a lot less problems in the world.

In reality children (and adults) can be very stubborn, to their own detriment. How far do you go? In reality you have to pick your battles, especially when the stakes are high.

Withdrawing privileges might actually make an unhappy boy (due to migraines) dig his heals in further, cause more stress and migraines.

Parents should be taken seriously, they have to deal with all the fallout, since they are responsible for the whole of a child's welfare.

1. Fresh water might not be unpalatable, but water that's been sat in a bottle in a warm classroom-would you want to drink it?

2)Sugar free squash isn't as sticky as regular

3. I suspect the OPs son is getting headaches rather than migraines.Paracetamol doesn't shift a migraine... if only...

This child is 10 years old! He is of an age to understand.

Anyway we can debate round and round- what is the school doing- any updates?

I wouldn't withdraw the privileges- I would have him running and if he was stubborn enough not to drink it then I would admit there was a problem.

Daftdame - you would think that if a child had a diagnosable condition they would relax eating rules, but for my severely autistic son in mainstream? Nope they wouldn't. And then they complained his behaviour was bad in the afternoon (BECAUSE YOU HAVN'T LET HIM EAT ANYTHING YOU FOOLS). We had one good TA (who also happened to be the mother of an autistic child) & she would sneak him off to feed him, but would have been in trouble if caught. He was non-verbal (still is ten years later), severely autistic & at the time had a diet so restrictive he ate no meat, fish, cheese, fruit or veg. Even autism outreach were at a loss with the school - they just would not listen. (Although he would drink water so at least he was only arriving home starving rather than dehydrated )

God it was a happy day when we moved to special school where he was treated as an individual (and a food sensory programme was put in place which took a year but did expand his diet considerably - he'll eat anything now).

But given how inflexible the mainstream school was to a child with a very obvious & severe disability I'm not surprised the OP is having problems - we never managed to get the school to work sensibly with ds1's issues.

Weaning onto water is a good idea for reasons others mention ( esp re aspartame etc - maybe switch to rocks to see if that has an affect?) but it should be done in a way that will work so he isn't left dehydrated. Esp in this weather.

What I don't understand is that the school have talked to him and he has agreed to try water for a week and to my mind OP should be using that as a starting point to encourage, instead of which she is upset that he was talked to without her and seems hell bent on the fact he must drink squash.
The squash to me seems the absolute last resort when all else has failed-I can't see that telling them it will fail is helpful- it sounds as if OP wants it to fail.

DS is far more likely to drink water for school- he won't with mum because he knows that if he holds out she will give in.

exoticfruits - I know from experience that a reasonable proportion of children are quite capable of running around, getting very hot and sweaty and quite clearly dehydrated, but who do not then want a drink of water, or drink as little as possible. They are used to feeling the way they do, it feels unnatural to drink more if they don't like the drink. They do NOT connect drinking more with anything other than it being fairly unpleasant, like being force fed when you aren't hungry.

As for your comments about the child being 10, I have to say, so what? He is an individual, not an automaton developing according to your perceived norms. The OP's child still doesn't know how to use capitals and full stops consistently, if OP's comments are accurate - he is not your mythical "every 10 year old should be able to do this and understand this" child. The school should deal with the individual, here, not their perceived "norm," and respect the fact the parent knows him better than they do. If they think the parenting is inadequate or harmful, just saying "he has to bring in water" is not an adequate response to the issues raised by the parent. It they are just sticking by a school rule without questioning the parent's parenting ability, then they aren't listening properly to the parent. They have already required her to get a prescription for the calpol he brings into school so that they can be required to administer it when he needs it, now they are being fairly obstructive again, rather than having a proper sit-down discussion about what has clearly become a "big issue" for the mother to which they consistently add fuel to the fire. They basically sound as though they have been difficult all the way and not believed anything she says, requiring her to keep going back to the GP for back up. They seem to think they know better than the mother, basically. Obviously, the school's side of the story may be different, but that is the picture we have been given, so effectively automatically telling the OP she's silly and should stop spoiling her brat is more than a bit harsh.

xylem8 - I don't think the OP's ds would be on pizotifen daily if he only got headaches. It sounds like OP's ds was hoping pizotifen alone would stop him getting migraines without a requirement for him to change his behaviour. The calpol, which OP appears to have got a prescription for in order to force the school to administer it to her ds when required, is for when he nevertheless starts getting a headache which might otherwise continue on to a full blown migraine. I don't know whether the regime her ds is on a great treatment for migraines, but it is clearly being followed with medical advice.

I just think it is such a shame because mainstream schools could be so much more inclusive, by being flexible, having a genuine partnership with parents and perhaps relaxing the odd rule in special circumstances.

This type of 'support' comes with very little cost and actually would prevent further disruption in a lot of cases.