Dd been told by her friends shes's too tall and fat!

[Angie1978]

Argh not sure what to do we have spoken to dd and told her to be tall is not a bad thing and she isn't fat but she now tells us she hates herself. She is very tall, the tallest in her class and is a little heavy but not to the point she's obese.

The problem started few weeks ago but she only told us last night what was really going on. I've been a long time lurker so have taken the advise that she should she in a loud confident voice ask the girls concerned, if it happens again "are you being nasty to me "?

I'm going to the school today to have a quiet word with her teacher but dd's confidence seems to shot even to the point that every playtime she now just sits by herself as she doesn't get asked to play and she won't ask to play others games as she feels shes 'fat and ugly' her words not mine.

I'm just a little concerned that at 7 she's losing her confidence and not mixing well.

Does anyone have words of advise I can give regarding being tall, after I can't cut her off at the knees just make the kids at school happy!

Glad the tenor of this thread has changed, I too feel it's critical the bullying is dealt with by the school.

I also object to the 'why allow your dd to be fat?' comments. My dd is at the top of the range in the red book (she is 5) - 75 centile for height and 90th for weight. She does an hour of exercise a day, loves running and climbing. She eats a similar diet to her brother who is skinny as a rake. Lots of salads, vegetables and fruit. Plenty of vegetarian meals, lots of fish. No pudding at supper time as she has one with school lunch, we give her smaller portions of porridge than her brother at breakfast, etc.

Yet she has been chubby from 12 mths or so. She just likes food and will always ask for more, take second helpings, eat the extra biscuit at a party etc. we don't give her more unless she is clearly really hungry that day, but other parents just love that she is not a fussy eater and will do so if she is on a play date, she goes to a Birthday party once a week or so, school lunches are very hearty, and so it's impossible (and probably not very clever) to police everything she eats.

I've taken her to the doc to see if we should do anything different and she says no, perfectly healthy, someone is always at the top end of the scale. Yet when I see her with her class she and one other girl stand out as being much chunkier, with tummies that stick out a bit. It really is not the case that you can just make your child lose weight.

I'm also disgusted by the victim blaming here. Your daughter has been bullied and made to feel sad, and there is never a satisfactory excuse for that.

I am 40, and am now having CBT to counter the low self-worth that has made me a less happy person from a young age. This has come largely from my mother's negative and controlling attitude to my weight, which continues to this day with comments and insults. I was a bit chubby as a little girl, and amongst many other things, I was put on a strict 800 calorie per day diet at age 11 by my DM, with the "ideal" being 500 calories. If I said I was hungry and felt ill (which was often the case), I was told that was good. Apples, carrots, absolutely everything was weighed and written down in a book with the calories worked out. At no point did anyone tell me that I was a valuable person with many fine qualities, even if I was fat. This taught me I was not good enough, that I was being rightly judged on my looks. I eventually lost weight as a child through naturally growing and lengthening out when I was about 12 / 13. But by then I viewed myself as hideously fat. Since then, I have had periods of being fat and periods of being slim. When I look at photos of when I was slim, I could (somtimes do) cry, because I looked fantastic but just didn't appreciate it - I still thought I was fat and needed to lose a few pounds. I have decided to undertake CBT now in order to try and get a handle on my weight and, more importantly, find a sense of self acceptance irrespective of weight or anything else.

Your daughter needs to know that she is intrinsically valuable as a person, irrespective of anything else. She is made up of many, many attributes, some she will be happy with, others not so much, but they are all part of the whole that is her, some she can change over time, others not. Maybe she can list the positive things out in writing and look at them regularly (maybe put them up somewhere prominent for her to see). When she feels upset about how she looks, or someone says something nasty to her, you could encourage her to replace that negative thought immediately with a positive one from her list. It's hard but it might help - it is starting to help me.

I hope she soon feels happier - this is no way for a 7 year old (or anyone) to feel.

Whilst I agree it is awful when a child is allowed to get fat that is not the issue. She is seven for gods sake and for kids to be so horrible to her is appalling and the school should be informed. The reaction that OK get her to lose weight to fit in is appalling and could have profound effects her long term psychological processes. I need to be thin to have friends...wear this..smoke this.
Poor kid. My kids have always been the tallest in the class and DD2 was always a little chubby [despite us being an active healthy family] until year six where it seemed to drop off quickly asshe developed. At 7 still a baby IMO.

I came here for some support on a similar issue. My daughter is a tint bit overweight for her height but not severe by any means and doctor wasn't concerned at her last check up. She calls herself fat on a regular basis and it breaks my heart.

So to Angie1978 I can offer empathy and support.. To those parents who have been accusatory, judgemental and frankly, at points, plain rude I sincerely hope you are never made to feel the way you may have made Angie feel and possibly the way her 7 year old daughter feels! She came here for support from fellow parents and I am appalled by the lack of it from some people!

Please don't try and get her to 'lose weight'. She is tall and she is growing and over the next few years it will almost be a physical impossibility to lose weight at the rate they grow. Instead focus more on wellbeing and boosting her confidence. Stay active and lead by example as much as you can (even if that means eating your chocolate after her bed time!)

If you feel se is being bullied please deal with it with the school. If she feels this way at 7 (my daughter is 10 and feels the same way) the concern is it will carry on and maybe spiral as she gets older. I have an older teen daughter too so I have seen where it can lead.

Best of luck, I hope things have improved since you wrote the post!

Definitely she is being bullied. This is bad behaviour from the other children that is not being dealt with by the school. They must deal with it and make sure your daughter is safe from emotional abuse while in their care.

The trouble with centiles for weight and height is that they do not match up...... DD (tall, very thin) is above 90th for height and around 55 for weight.

This is true at the top end and bottom end but not the middle. So 50th for both height and weight matches up. The top end is skewed by overweight children, so even I as a 40 year old if I look at 20 I am 98th for height but between 75th and 91st for weight. My BMI is 22.

My dd is also on the tall and chunky side, but I have checked on the nhs bmi calculator and she’s within the normal range. She eats a really healthy diet, goes to three dance classes and swimming every week, plus other activities like bike rides etc. It is irritating as she rarely eats sweets etc but yet I always see her skinny friends tucking in to haribo etc!

Some kids just are chunkier than others, I was too at that age. I am a normal weight now but have to watch what I eat really carefully as I gain weight very easily.

Ignore all the smug posters. What is happening to your dd is bullying and is wrong.

It's very sad that so many of you have decided that the weight the problem to be tackled, especially when OP has confirmed they have made famiky healthy lifestyle changes which is the best approach and good luck with that op. We did the same and my son is now (as confirmed by the GP) tall with mid point bmi.
. I know obesity is a problem but that's not the best advice. What if the girls then pick on her nose, ears, hair colour - should she have plastic surgery.

The other children shouldn't be mean. They know that behaviour is mean and I think your child needs some support in school to help her play. Can you have a word and see if they can pair her with a buddy and do some general sessions about including people in play and supervising some group games.

Is there some things your child is good at outside of school that they would let her show her class about.

I've only read the first few replies on his thread, but I'm thoroughly depressed by all the posts telling you that you need to change her appearance by making her lose weight or buying her new clothes. Urgh. She's 7 for heaven's sake! You don't need to be sending her the message that people being mean about her appearance is down to her. To the contrary, you need to teach her to rise above those comments, boost her self esteem so she believes in herself. Focus on all the fabulous things about her. I'm sure there are many. Focus on the amazing things her fabulous body can do. If she is tall, can she reach things and do things that smaller kids can't? Teach her to be kind but firm with the other kids. Mention it to her teachers. And boost, boost, boost that self esteem. But whatever you do, don't let her think any of this is her fault, or that there is anything wrong with her appearance. At the age of 7 you are setting that narrative for the rest of her life otherwise. Good luck.

Zombie thread!!!!

I was super tall as a child and very self conscious of it, not overweight but big boned

It was only as a teen I realised what a super power being tall was, she will have presence and learn to carry her height with confidence.

In the meantime I suggest netball, being tall has a huge advantage