Dd been told by her friends shes's too tall and fat!

[Angie1978]

Argh not sure what to do we have spoken to dd and told her to be tall is not a bad thing and she isn't fat but she now tells us she hates herself. She is very tall, the tallest in her class and is a little heavy but not to the point she's obese.

The problem started few weeks ago but she only told us last night what was really going on. I've been a long time lurker so have taken the advise that she should she in a loud confident voice ask the girls concerned, if it happens again "are you being nasty to me "?

I'm going to the school today to have a quiet word with her teacher but dd's confidence seems to shot even to the point that every playtime she now just sits by herself as she doesn't get asked to play and she won't ask to play others games as she feels shes 'fat and ugly' her words not mine.

I'm just a little concerned that at 7 she's losing her confidence and not mixing well.

Does anyone have words of advise I can give regarding being tall, after I can't cut her off at the knees just make the kids at school happy!

[beingsunny]

I was super tall as a child and very self conscious of it, not overweight but big boned

It was only as a teen I realised what a super power being tall was, she will have presence and learn to carry her height with confidence.

In the meantime I suggest netball, being tall has a huge advantage

[OliviaStabler]

Zombie thread!!!!

[RainDancer]

I've only read the first few replies on his thread, but I'm thoroughly depressed by all the posts telling you that you need to change her appearance by making her lose weight or buying her new clothes. Urgh. She's 7 for heaven's sake! You don't need to be sending her the message that people being mean about her appearance is down to her. To the contrary, you need to teach her to rise above those comments, boost her self esteem so she believes in herself. Focus on all the fabulous things about her. I'm sure there are many. Focus on the amazing things her fabulous body can do. If she is tall, can she reach things and do things that smaller kids can't? Teach her to be kind but firm with the other kids. Mention it to her teachers. And boost, boost, boost that self esteem. But whatever you do, don't let her think any of this is her fault, or that there is anything wrong with her appearance. At the age of 7 you are setting that narrative for the rest of her life otherwise. Good luck.

[grasspigeons]

It's very sad that so many of you have decided that the weight the problem to be tackled, especially when OP has confirmed they have made famiky healthy lifestyle changes which is the best approach and good luck with that op. We did the same and my son is now (as confirmed by the GP) tall with mid point bmi.
. I know obesity is a problem but that's not the best advice. What if the girls then pick on her nose, ears, hair colour - should she have plastic surgery.

The other children shouldn't be mean. They know that behaviour is mean and I think your child needs some support in school to help her play. Can you have a word and see if they can pair her with a buddy and do some general sessions about including people in play and supervising some group games.

Is there some things your child is good at outside of school that they would let her show her class about.

[randomuntrainedcuntowner]

My dd is also on the tall and chunky side, but I have checked on the nhs bmi calculator and she’s within the normal range. She eats a really healthy diet, goes to three dance classes and swimming every week, plus other activities like bike rides etc. It is irritating as she rarely eats sweets etc but yet I always see her skinny friends tucking in to haribo etc!

Some kids just are chunkier than others, I was too at that age. I am a normal weight now but have to watch what I eat really carefully as I gain weight very easily.

Ignore all the smug posters. What is happening to your dd is bullying and is wrong.

[Increasinglymiddleaged]

Definitely she is being bullied. This is bad behaviour from the other children that is not being dealt with by the school. They must deal with it and make sure your daughter is safe from emotional abuse while in their care.

The trouble with centiles for weight and height is that they do not match up...... DD (tall, very thin) is above 90th for height and around 55 for weight.

This is true at the top end and bottom end but not the middle. So 50th for both height and weight matches up. The top end is skewed by overweight children, so even I as a 40 year old if I look at 20 I am 98th for height but between 75th and 91st for weight. My BMI is 22.

[Vocalclaire]

I came here for some support on a similar issue. My daughter is a tint bit overweight for her height but not severe by any means and doctor wasn't concerned at her last check up. She calls herself fat on a regular basis and it breaks my heart.

So to Angie1978 I can offer empathy and support.. To those parents who have been accusatory, judgemental and frankly, at points, plain rude I sincerely hope you are never made to feel the way you may have made Angie feel and possibly the way her 7 year old daughter feels! She came here for support from fellow parents and I am appalled by the lack of it from some people!

Please don't try and get her to 'lose weight'. She is tall and she is growing and over the next few years it will almost be a physical impossibility to lose weight at the rate they grow. Instead focus more on wellbeing and boosting her confidence. Stay active and lead by example as much as you can (even if that means eating your chocolate after her bed time!)

If you feel se is being bullied please deal with it with the school. If she feels this way at 7 (my daughter is 10 and feels the same way) the concern is it will carry on and maybe spiral as she gets older. I have an older teen daughter too so I have seen where it can lead.

Best of luck, I hope things have improved since you wrote the post!

[imnotmymum]

Whilst I agree it is awful when a child is allowed to get fat that is not the issue. She is seven for gods sake and for kids to be so horrible to her is appalling and the school should be informed. The reaction that OK get her to lose weight to fit in is appalling and could have profound effects her long term psychological processes. I need to be thin to have friends...wear this..smoke this.
Poor kid. My kids have always been the tallest in the class and DD2 was always a little chubby [despite us being an active healthy family] until year six where it seemed to drop off quickly asshe developed. At 7 still a baby IMO.

[Catsycat]

I'm also disgusted by the victim blaming here. Your daughter has been bullied and made to feel sad, and there is never a satisfactory excuse for that.

I am 40, and am now having CBT to counter the low self-worth that has made me a less happy person from a young age. This has come largely from my mother's negative and controlling attitude to my weight, which continues to this day with comments and insults. I was a bit chubby as a little girl, and amongst many other things, I was put on a strict 800 calorie per day diet at age 11 by my DM, with the "ideal" being 500 calories. If I said I was hungry and felt ill (which was often the case), I was told that was good. Apples, carrots, absolutely everything was weighed and written down in a book with the calories worked out. At no point did anyone tell me that I was a valuable person with many fine qualities, even if I was fat. This taught me I was not good enough, that I was being rightly judged on my looks. I eventually lost weight as a child through naturally growing and lengthening out when I was about 12 / 13. But by then I viewed myself as hideously fat. Since then, I have had periods of being fat and periods of being slim. When I look at photos of when I was slim, I could (somtimes do) cry, because I looked fantastic but just didn't appreciate it - I still thought I was fat and needed to lose a few pounds. I have decided to undertake CBT now in order to try and get a handle on my weight and, more importantly, find a sense of self acceptance irrespective of weight or anything else.

Your daughter needs to know that she is intrinsically valuable as a person, irrespective of anything else. She is made up of many, many attributes, some she will be happy with, others not so much, but they are all part of the whole that is her, some she can change over time, others not. Maybe she can list the positive things out in writing and look at them regularly (maybe put them up somewhere prominent for her to see). When she feels upset about how she looks, or someone says something nasty to her, you could encourage her to replace that negative thought immediately with a positive one from her list. It's hard but it might help - it is starting to help me.

I hope she soon feels happier - this is no way for a 7 year old (or anyone) to feel.

[thaliablogs]

Glad the tenor of this thread has changed, I too feel it's critical the bullying is dealt with by the school.

I also object to the 'why allow your dd to be fat?' comments. My dd is at the top of the range in the red book (she is 5) - 75 centile for height and 90th for weight. She does an hour of exercise a day, loves running and climbing. She eats a similar diet to her brother who is skinny as a rake. Lots of salads, vegetables and fruit. Plenty of vegetarian meals, lots of fish. No pudding at supper time as she has one with school lunch, we give her smaller portions of porridge than her brother at breakfast, etc.

Yet she has been chubby from 12 mths or so. She just likes food and will always ask for more, take second helpings, eat the extra biscuit at a party etc. we don't give her more unless she is clearly really hungry that day, but other parents just love that she is not a fussy eater and will do so if she is on a play date, she goes to a Birthday party once a week or so, school lunches are very hearty, and so it's impossible (and probably not very clever) to police everything she eats.

I've taken her to the doc to see if we should do anything different and she says no, perfectly healthy, someone is always at the top end of the scale. Yet when I see her with her class she and one other girl stand out as being much chunkier, with tummies that stick out a bit. It really is not the case that you can just make your child lose weight.

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

Unpleasant opinions showing through on this thread.

Child gets bullied. Answer = change her until she fits in/ correct herself in the eyes of the bully.

Nice bit of victim blaming... Of a 7 year old!

If the bullies said her hair was wrong, or skin or eye colour, I guess you'd have to change those too. After all, it's either her fault or the parents fault right? nothing to do with bullies, who are after all, correct in their behaviour...

Revolting.

[8wellyspider]

Angie1978 - I have little experience with girls, but just wanted to say this happened to my friend's DD, who is the tallest in her class. She's definitely not fat, I can say that objectively, I would say slightly rounded. She got bullied for it (around y3)...it lasted a few days and they all moved on.

So while the family health drive is a long term investment - and good luck with that (can't beat family bike rides)- def speak to school in the short term and take heart that it may blow away very quickly anyway. I hope your DD starts smiling again very soon

[PickleFish]

I'm also amazed that the first comments that someone gets when they ask for advice on a child being teased are 'well, are the bullies right?'

So what if they are? They still shouldn't be teasing her about it.

If she wore glasses, would people advice contacts or laser surgery so that she wouldn't need them?

It's not up to anyone else to judge whether the child should lose weight or not - it's still not an acceptable reason for teasing. But it's just so prevalent in society to see fat as this horrible moral issue, that people are automatically judgemental - for no other issue would people ask first if it was true, as if that were some justification for the comments.

yes, it's a health risk to be obese. I'm sure people don't generally need that pointing out. Many overweight people are not obese. It's not a moral issue, it doesn't make them bad people or lazy or weak-willed or anything else. And it certainly shouldn't be an excuse for allowing teasing or comments by other children/adults.

I was a fat child. Not obese, but a little on the heavy side. Not to the point it was likely to be a health risk. This was despite attempts to make me exercise more. I ate a fairly healthy diet at most meals. I wanted more of all the carbs etc right from the beginning and it's harder to control portion sizes as a child gets older, or has any access to food on their own. I hated exercise, just never found anything I enjoyed despite lots of attempts - I did swimming lessons, I rode my bike, I walked to school, we did family hikes. But I wasn't a running around sort of child - I preferred to read. So I exercised when I had to. It wasn't really my parents' fault - my sisters were both slim. So I was on the fatter side, and I also grew quite early as I was old for my year. I look at photos now and think I was slightly plump but by no means dangerously large - and yet I hated myself, everything about myself, to a large part because of the comments about looks and shape. My weight wasn't particularly unhealthy, and far, far more damage has been done to my health and self esteem by the endless diets, back and forth yo-yoing, eating disorders, bullying, anxiety, shame, etc that resulted from comments, leading to problems as an adult with my weight, health and self-image.

[MadeOfStarDust]

The trouble with centiles for weight and height is that they do not match up...... DD (tall, very thin) is above 90th for height and around 55 for weight.

She is deemed UNDERWEIGHT by every health professional she has seen - you can see her ribs and the bones in her wrist, legs etc... but she is around the 55th percentile - so weighs slightly ABOVE average for her age - purely because she is tall.

Being tall may or may not carry on - some kids shoot up young and stop whilst others catch up - some are naturally tall... all you can do is make her feel good about herself, be proud of her for standing tall - you can't change it, so glory in it....

be aware as well that she is probably going through a lot in her mind about how she looks and how she feels about how she looks - she may be painting the worst case scenario to you as her mum - because she trusts you to be there - even if SHE feels fat and ugly. I bet she is not sitting around friendless EVERY day, the kids concerned may have made the odd remark - kids do - and she's taken it to heart because that is how SHE feels (as you say - in her words).

It breaks OUR hearts as mums when our kids are unhappy - I think you are doing the right thing by visiting the school. I hope it all went well.

[AbbyR1973]

Firstly regardless of size/shape/hair colour/race of anything else, bullying is not acceptable. I think you therefore have to be careful how you handle this in terms of your very sensible health intervention because you don't want it to seem like you believe there is reasonable cause for the behaviour iykwim.

Regarding some of the comments on centiles/ children being different etc. Centiles are by no means a new invention although perhaps parents may have only been aware of them in recent decades they have been around for a long time. Current centiles are based on British population studies. Clearly somebody is always going to fall at the margins of the normal distribution but we become interested at the 2nd/98th centiles because there may be a medical problem. At the underweight end, it is important that medical causes are excluded to allow children to achieve their full growth potential and live healthy lives. A small number of children at the low height end might be helped by treatment to achieve a more "normal" height. Mostly there is a genetic element.

The issues at the overweight end are different. Increasing numbers if children are becoming overweight compared to previous generations. We are seeing adult onset middle age diseases now like high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes in children and young people. This is a really major worry. We could face a generation where a large number of young people do not have the longevity their parents generation did...this is tragic and completely avoidable. It's far easier to set healthy habits in childhood than to change as an adult. The OP is absolutely right to carefully consider her child's weight and make sensible changes. I also applaud OP for addressing this as a family. IMO family lifestyle changes are the only way to change things.
There are comments by some posters that children are being forced to be something they can't be in terms of size because their parents are overweight. This is incorrect. Unfortunately some people are more predisposed to weight gain ( blame human evolution when there were alternating periods of starvation and plenty and those that could put on weight in times of plenty had a survival advantage.) Now there is no benefit, only a health cost.
Bottom line is assuming you don't have a rare metabolic problem if you or your children are overweight it is a simple case of not burning off as much energy as you are consuming. The only way to deal with it is to get some honesty on the situation. Exercise more, eat less or both.

OP- just to say in childhood we are not aiming for weight loss usually. Aim to keep weight steady and upwards growth will do the rest. Common problems are portion sized-take a look at the healthy plate split into 1/3s, consider putting meal on a small plate rather than a large plate. Watch out for hidden sugars and fats in apparently healthy foods and drinks. Look at fluid intake and encourage plain water as a drink. Regular enjoyable exercise incorporated into everyday life-can you walk/bike to school, walk the dog etc.

[Devora]

"Why would you allow your child to be fat"

You often read this on MN. It is so facile, so smug, and so ignorant of the many complex causes of childhood obesity. For example, my dm has always been slim and eaten healthily. As children, we were served healthy meals and not allowed sweets. She and my brothers were fit and active.

I, by contrast, had an eating disorder from around age 7, resulting first in being overweight (not obese) then anorexic by the age of 12. I'm sure my dm was completely bewildered by how this could have happened. Sticking me on a diet, or taking me shopping, would have been completely irrelevant and unhelpful responses.

Childhood obesity is of course a terrible problem. But body confidence, low self esteem and school bullying are terrible problems as well. The victim-blaming inherent in saying the only person to blame is the parents, not the bullies, is breathtaking.

[Notcontent]

I think there are two quite separate issues here.

The first issue is the bullying. No excuse for it.

The second issue is that if your dd is a bit overweight, then yes, she should be encouraged to lose weight, for the sake of her happiness and health in the future. My dd, also 7 and tall, is constantly asking for snacks but I discuss it with her and she fully understands why I say no.

[HarumScarum]

DD comes out at 2nd centile for weight and 5th centile for height on that link. I weigh less than 8 stone, despite never having restricted my calorie intake in any way - I just eat what I want when I want to. I am the constant recipient of concerned phone calls about how tiny and skinny DD is from school nurses etc, dating back to when she was a baby and feeding about fifty million times a day. Why on earth can't they see that some kids are just destined to be a particular size and shape? I'm skinny and short and so is DD's dad. DD is skinny and short. It's not rocket science. Equally, I bet most of the kids here who are on higher centiles have parents who are also naturally broader or taller or both. I do sometimes think that the reliance on centiles causes as many problems as it supposedly solves. I weighed far less than DD at the same age but fortunately they hadn't invented centiles yet so my mum was allowed to get on with feeding me what I liked to eat and needed to eat in peace.

[Rowgtfc72]

DD is six and on that calculator she comes out on the 100th centile for height and weight and also overweight. This is compared to other kids her age and sex.She is very tall for her age and not a skinny minny but not round either. You cant compare her to other kids her age because she is as big as the average seven and a half year old. I was worried that at five she weighed five stone so took her to the school nurse who looked at me like I was deranged when I suggested dd was overweight as she said she was bang on height for weight and a very solid active kid. OP, my very tall dd is also ginger, wears glasses and has sticky out teeth (prime for bullying). We have taught her to have a sense of humour about this and luckily she is confident enough to do this. I would report the bullying and find something your child is good at to bolster up her confidence. A confident kid is difficult to bully.

[ihearttc]

I completely agree with Pipgems...I have a DS who is exactly the same.

He is 8 and built like a rugby player. He eats very healthily and in fact eats less than my 2 year old but he can't change the way he is built. I refuse to weigh him anymore either as he would also be classed as obese despite the fact that he bikes to and from school,plays football every lunchtime and after school,does training 2 nights a week,plays football on saturdays and sundays peoples perceptions of him will always be the same.

They automatically assume that he eats crap and has no exercise and I have somehow allowed him to be this obese monster when it couldn't be further from the truth.

Luckily he has got an amazing group of friends at school and at football who support him and he has only ever been teased once...but judging from some of the comments on here I can totally understand where some children get their perceptions from.

[pipgems]

willowslip - I have absolutely nothing to hide, my DS currently measures 4ft 4inches. I absolutely refuse to weigh him anymore because of the two years poking and prodding he endured from the hospital dietician, but I have freely admitted in my last post that he is classed as obese (you can tell this by the fact that you cannot lift him!!!). His diet is incredibly healthy, I am very lucky in that he loves fruit and veg and would generally choose fish (specifically salmon) for every meal if possible. What I was trying to point out, perhaps badly, is that children are all different and some are large naturally but lots of people tend to group kids into categories that they are never going to fit into and tend to judge before knowing situations. My DS is probably considered to be clinically obese but I certainly don't let him be fat, there is not a single fat roll on him but he is definitely larger than the 'norm'.

Kerala - I agree that some cases are very sad and in some cases parents need educating there are always exceptions. But I do have issues with people judging and jumping on bandwagons without knowing all the facts.

[Taz1212]

I quite like the charts and would suggest checking one to see how your DD fits on one. My DS has a very podgy face for whatever reason but the rest of him is in proportion. If you look at him, however, you'd likely take in his face and think, "He's a bit overweight" as it kind of dominates your first impression.

You mentioned cutting down on snacks. I might be reading too much into it, but yes, cut way back on snacks! If she's a snacker it is very possible that she's eating a lot more than either of you realise. I'd look into regular exercise- I.e. joining an organised activity. DS swims in a club and it's vastly improved his fitness.

I do think that the teasing is completely out of line, regardless of your daughter's weight, and the school should be tackling it.

[Lancelottie]

... so do these charts come from a time when we 'only' had 10% overweight kids in this country but 15% in the US?

[Lancelottie]

That's quite an interesting calculator, Farewell. I assume it's a US-based set of percentiles, as DD comes out on UK charts as 90th centile (right on the borderline for OK/overweight) for UK BMI, but 86th (overweight) for this site.