Dd been told by her friends shes's too tall and fat!

[Angie1978]

Argh not sure what to do we have spoken to dd and told her to be tall is not a bad thing and she isn't fat but she now tells us she hates herself. She is very tall, the tallest in her class and is a little heavy but not to the point she's obese.

The problem started few weeks ago but she only told us last night what was really going on. I've been a long time lurker so have taken the advise that she should she in a loud confident voice ask the girls concerned, if it happens again "are you being nasty to me "?

I'm going to the school today to have a quiet word with her teacher but dd's confidence seems to shot even to the point that every playtime she now just sits by herself as she doesn't get asked to play and she won't ask to play others games as she feels shes 'fat and ugly' her words not mine.

I'm just a little concerned that at 7 she's losing her confidence and not mixing well.

Does anyone have words of advise I can give regarding being tall, after I can't cut her off at the knees just make the kids at school happy!

perhaps if she doesn't believe YOU when you tell her what she is good at and what lovely qualities she has then you could try some way to get HER to think of her good points. start with things like what does she enjoy and like to do and then move on to what does she find quite easy, what does she think she is good at and so on. if she is having to think about it for herself she is more likely to believe it I think.

It's plain old bullying. It doesn't matter even if she is overweight ,it doesn't give children the right to be rude to her. Definitely speak to the teacher.

The 'fault' isn't with the 7 year old or with her 7 year old friends. It's with the parents.

Our childminder use to go on about how her DD was being called fat at school. But every time I saw her DD she was sitting in front of the TV with a packet of crisps in her hands or bag of sweets or .....

kids always pick on a difference though - my dd age 10 is a head taller then her classmates but really thin....

she gets fed up of being called string bean......

and skinny malinky.... bean pole.... spaghetti legs... pippi longstocking.... long tall sally.... and all the usual comments of "what's the weather like up there?" .... "Do you have to run around to get wet in the shower?" (which strikes me as a parent's comment not a child's but hey ho...)

We have just dealt with by telling her she is lovely and that they are just jealous, and everyone is different etc....

I agree with Devora has said and what others who have said about us all needing to look after ourselves and be healthy, exercising regularly etc. I really think that the finger-pointing and blaming going on here is horrible and ugly.

I want to add, OP, that buying your daughter things and trying to 'beautify' her only adds to the problem in my mind. She is being judged and bullied because of her appearance... trying to appease bullies by making the external part of herself look more 'beautiful' is playing their game. Surely we want to teach our daughters that self-worth and self-esteem does not come from what we look like, what clothes we have, how we do our hair or what hair accessories we have? Your daughter is a unique and beautiful person, she is an individual, she has qualities and character that are far more important than her appearance.

I am frankly shocked by the advice to go and buy things to make her feel better, or make her feel more confident. Our confidence should not rest in our belongings, but in who we are. My DD is only 4 and I think that she is perfect... if she were in school and getting bullied I would a) talk to the school b) spend some time with her, just Mama and daughter hanging out. Maybe go for a bike ride, or to the cinema, or just something fun the two of you. Tell her that being bullied for her appearance is not OK, that those bullies are wrong and unkind. Remind her that you love her and that she is unique. (All the time!) Think together about the qualities that you and her think are important in other grown-ups you know (you could think of important people in your lives or family) and then talk about whether being 'beautiful' (by our very western, narrow definition of beauty) is one of those important things (hopefully kindness, gentleness, creativity etc will be on the list).

Also watch this video: www.upworthy.com/this-womans-beef-with-prettiness-will-leave-you-speechless?g=3

And best of luck! Bringing up daughters is a tricky thing I think!

I don't get the problem with her height ? You can't change that & my daughter is significantly taller than several of her friends & probably one of the tallest in her year.

She doesn't have confidence issues, she's in fabulous shape & full of energy (& long may it last) . My friends, rightly or wrongly, say things like, look at your lovely long legs & comment to me about her height. She thinks being tall is great, but knows that being healthy & strong is also important.

Kids want to fit in, so I'm wondering if it's your lifestyle you need to review. Ref her weight, you can make a big difference in a couple of weeks. Cut all the crap out of all meals & get out every night cycling or running, maybe training for sports day.

Inspire your daughter to feel fabulous about herself & there'll be no need for her to feel self conscious.

"why would you allow your child to be fat?"

Comments like these seriously make me so angry!!! My DS is nearly 6 and since the age of 2 has been considered 'obese' because he doesn't fit into the 'average' category. Why can't people just accept that all children are unique and grow at different rates and are generally different sizes. My DS was even referred by the HV to the hospital where he was monitored for 2yrs, he had all manner of tests and I was required to keep a diary of his food and activity for the whole period. The end result is they agreed that he was a perfectly healthy, perfectly fit child and that no changes were necessary to his diet or level of activity.

He is still clinically described as 'obese' and like your DD OP he is very tall for his age and he probably will be very tall as an adult as the males in my family average at about 6' 3". He is not and never has been 'fat' he is simply solid, he has large hands and shoulders and he is in age 9-10 t-shirts. He recently endured some name calling by some YR2 boys, we were very lucky in that his teacher was very effective in sorting it out. I told him to just laugh when they called him names and that he should feel sorry for them really as bully's were not very clever and only used insults because they could not think of anything else to say.

Unfortunately children are very cruel and I agree that if their parents find out that this is happening they would be horrified and hopefully sort it out, I know I would be if it was mine.

pipgems there is a difference between how it sounds your son is and obese kids. There is a child in DDs class the poor girl is enormously fat with rolls of fat and I think it is from overeating (her packed lunches are huge and she is very focussed on food). It is very sad for her it cannot be healthy she gets out of breath when I walk across the school site with her and developing bad eating habits and being that large does not set you up for a healthy life. Although thankfully she isn't bullied for it - I was ticked off by DD for describing an adult stranger as rather fat I am not allowed to say this word apparently!

Pipgems, how tall is your DS & how much does he way ?

I suspect you aren't quite telling all, but glad to hear he is declared well.

FWIW my family are all tall - none of us are 'solid' though...

I hope I didn't come across as finger pointing or criticising - I suggested that weight calculator because then the OP would be able to have an objective sense of whether he daughter was a 'little heavy'.

I used it myself as I was convinced my dcs were dangerously underweight. It turns out there not, but it made me realise that's it's v difficult to see your own children objectively.

I agree that teasing/bullying is never acceptable and that it should be challenged and dealt with.

That should read 'they're not' argh

That's quite an interesting calculator, Farewell. I assume it's a US-based set of percentiles, as DD comes out on UK charts as 90th centile (right on the borderline for OK/overweight) for UK BMI, but 86th (overweight) for this site.

... so do these charts come from a time when we 'only' had 10% overweight kids in this country but 15% in the US?

I quite like the charts and would suggest checking one to see how your DD fits on one. My DS has a very podgy face for whatever reason but the rest of him is in proportion. If you look at him, however, you'd likely take in his face and think, "He's a bit overweight" as it kind of dominates your first impression.

You mentioned cutting down on snacks. I might be reading too much into it, but yes, cut way back on snacks! If she's a snacker it is very possible that she's eating a lot more than either of you realise. I'd look into regular exercise- I.e. joining an organised activity. DS swims in a club and it's vastly improved his fitness.

I do think that the teasing is completely out of line, regardless of your daughter's weight, and the school should be tackling it.

willowslip - I have absolutely nothing to hide, my DS currently measures 4ft 4inches. I absolutely refuse to weigh him anymore because of the two years poking and prodding he endured from the hospital dietician, but I have freely admitted in my last post that he is classed as obese (you can tell this by the fact that you cannot lift him!!!). His diet is incredibly healthy, I am very lucky in that he loves fruit and veg and would generally choose fish (specifically salmon) for every meal if possible. What I was trying to point out, perhaps badly, is that children are all different and some are large naturally but lots of people tend to group kids into categories that they are never going to fit into and tend to judge before knowing situations. My DS is probably considered to be clinically obese but I certainly don't let him be fat, there is not a single fat roll on him but he is definitely larger than the 'norm'.

Kerala - I agree that some cases are very sad and in some cases parents need educating there are always exceptions. But I do have issues with people judging and jumping on bandwagons without knowing all the facts.

I completely agree with Pipgems...I have a DS who is exactly the same.

He is 8 and built like a rugby player. He eats very healthily and in fact eats less than my 2 year old but he can't change the way he is built. I refuse to weigh him anymore either as he would also be classed as obese despite the fact that he bikes to and from school,plays football every lunchtime and after school,does training 2 nights a week,plays football on saturdays and sundays peoples perceptions of him will always be the same.

They automatically assume that he eats crap and has no exercise and I have somehow allowed him to be this obese monster when it couldn't be further from the truth.

Luckily he has got an amazing group of friends at school and at football who support him and he has only ever been teased once...but judging from some of the comments on here I can totally understand where some children get their perceptions from.

DD is six and on that calculator she comes out on the 100th centile for height and weight and also overweight. This is compared to other kids her age and sex.She is very tall for her age and not a skinny minny but not round either. You cant compare her to other kids her age because she is as big as the average seven and a half year old. I was worried that at five she weighed five stone so took her to the school nurse who looked at me like I was deranged when I suggested dd was overweight as she said she was bang on height for weight and a very solid active kid. OP, my very tall dd is also ginger, wears glasses and has sticky out teeth (prime for bullying). We have taught her to have a sense of humour about this and luckily she is confident enough to do this. I would report the bullying and find something your child is good at to bolster up her confidence. A confident kid is difficult to bully.

DD comes out at 2nd centile for weight and 5th centile for height on that link. I weigh less than 8 stone, despite never having restricted my calorie intake in any way - I just eat what I want when I want to. I am the constant recipient of concerned phone calls about how tiny and skinny DD is from school nurses etc, dating back to when she was a baby and feeding about fifty million times a day. Why on earth can't they see that some kids are just destined to be a particular size and shape? I'm skinny and short and so is DD's dad. DD is skinny and short. It's not rocket science. Equally, I bet most of the kids here who are on higher centiles have parents who are also naturally broader or taller or both. I do sometimes think that the reliance on centiles causes as many problems as it supposedly solves. I weighed far less than DD at the same age but fortunately they hadn't invented centiles yet so my mum was allowed to get on with feeding me what I liked to eat and needed to eat in peace.

I think there are two quite separate issues here.

The first issue is the bullying. No excuse for it.

The second issue is that if your dd is a bit overweight, then yes, she should be encouraged to lose weight, for the sake of her happiness and health in the future. My dd, also 7 and tall, is constantly asking for snacks but I discuss it with her and she fully understands why I say no.

"Why would you allow your child to be fat"

You often read this on MN. It is so facile, so smug, and so ignorant of the many complex causes of childhood obesity. For example, my dm has always been slim and eaten healthily. As children, we were served healthy meals and not allowed sweets. She and my brothers were fit and active.

I, by contrast, had an eating disorder from around age 7, resulting first in being overweight (not obese) then anorexic by the age of 12. I'm sure my dm was completely bewildered by how this could have happened. Sticking me on a diet, or taking me shopping, would have been completely irrelevant and unhelpful responses.

Childhood obesity is of course a terrible problem. But body confidence, low self esteem and school bullying are terrible problems as well. The victim-blaming inherent in saying the only person to blame is the parents, not the bullies, is breathtaking.

Firstly regardless of size/shape/hair colour/race of anything else, bullying is not acceptable. I think you therefore have to be careful how you handle this in terms of your very sensible health intervention because you don't want it to seem like you believe there is reasonable cause for the behaviour iykwim.

Regarding some of the comments on centiles/ children being different etc. Centiles are by no means a new invention although perhaps parents may have only been aware of them in recent decades they have been around for a long time. Current centiles are based on British population studies. Clearly somebody is always going to fall at the margins of the normal distribution but we become interested at the 2nd/98th centiles because there may be a medical problem. At the underweight end, it is important that medical causes are excluded to allow children to achieve their full growth potential and live healthy lives. A small number of children at the low height end might be helped by treatment to achieve a more "normal" height. Mostly there is a genetic element.

The issues at the overweight end are different. Increasing numbers if children are becoming overweight compared to previous generations. We are seeing adult onset middle age diseases now like high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes in children and young people. This is a really major worry. We could face a generation where a large number of young people do not have the longevity their parents generation did...this is tragic and completely avoidable. It's far easier to set healthy habits in childhood than to change as an adult. The OP is absolutely right to carefully consider her child's weight and make sensible changes. I also applaud OP for addressing this as a family. IMO family lifestyle changes are the only way to change things.
There are comments by some posters that children are being forced to be something they can't be in terms of size because their parents are overweight. This is incorrect. Unfortunately some people are more predisposed to weight gain ( blame human evolution when there were alternating periods of starvation and plenty and those that could put on weight in times of plenty had a survival advantage.) Now there is no benefit, only a health cost.
Bottom line is assuming you don't have a rare metabolic problem if you or your children are overweight it is a simple case of not burning off as much energy as you are consuming. The only way to deal with it is to get some honesty on the situation. Exercise more, eat less or both.

OP- just to say in childhood we are not aiming for weight loss usually. Aim to keep weight steady and upwards growth will do the rest. Common problems are portion sized-take a look at the healthy plate split into 1/3s, consider putting meal on a small plate rather than a large plate. Watch out for hidden sugars and fats in apparently healthy foods and drinks. Look at fluid intake and encourage plain water as a drink. Regular enjoyable exercise incorporated into everyday life-can you walk/bike to school, walk the dog etc.

The trouble with centiles for weight and height is that they do not match up...... DD (tall, very thin) is above 90th for height and around 55 for weight.

She is deemed UNDERWEIGHT by every health professional she has seen - you can see her ribs and the bones in her wrist, legs etc... but she is around the 55th percentile - so weighs slightly ABOVE average for her age - purely because she is tall.

Being tall may or may not carry on - some kids shoot up young and stop whilst others catch up - some are naturally tall... all you can do is make her feel good about herself, be proud of her for standing tall - you can't change it, so glory in it....

be aware as well that she is probably going through a lot in her mind about how she looks and how she feels about how she looks - she may be painting the worst case scenario to you as her mum - because she trusts you to be there - even if SHE feels fat and ugly. I bet she is not sitting around friendless EVERY day, the kids concerned may have made the odd remark - kids do - and she's taken it to heart because that is how SHE feels (as you say - in her words).

It breaks OUR hearts as mums when our kids are unhappy - I think you are doing the right thing by visiting the school. I hope it all went well.

I'm also amazed that the first comments that someone gets when they ask for advice on a child being teased are 'well, are the bullies right?'

So what if they are? They still shouldn't be teasing her about it.

If she wore glasses, would people advice contacts or laser surgery so that she wouldn't need them?

It's not up to anyone else to judge whether the child should lose weight or not - it's still not an acceptable reason for teasing. But it's just so prevalent in society to see fat as this horrible moral issue, that people are automatically judgemental - for no other issue would people ask first if it was true, as if that were some justification for the comments.

yes, it's a health risk to be obese. I'm sure people don't generally need that pointing out. Many overweight people are not obese. It's not a moral issue, it doesn't make them bad people or lazy or weak-willed or anything else. And it certainly shouldn't be an excuse for allowing teasing or comments by other children/adults.

I was a fat child. Not obese, but a little on the heavy side. Not to the point it was likely to be a health risk. This was despite attempts to make me exercise more. I ate a fairly healthy diet at most meals. I wanted more of all the carbs etc right from the beginning and it's harder to control portion sizes as a child gets older, or has any access to food on their own. I hated exercise, just never found anything I enjoyed despite lots of attempts - I did swimming lessons, I rode my bike, I walked to school, we did family hikes. But I wasn't a running around sort of child - I preferred to read. So I exercised when I had to. It wasn't really my parents' fault - my sisters were both slim. So I was on the fatter side, and I also grew quite early as I was old for my year. I look at photos now and think I was slightly plump but by no means dangerously large - and yet I hated myself, everything about myself, to a large part because of the comments about looks and shape. My weight wasn't particularly unhealthy, and far, far more damage has been done to my health and self esteem by the endless diets, back and forth yo-yoing, eating disorders, bullying, anxiety, shame, etc that resulted from comments, leading to problems as an adult with my weight, health and self-image.

Angie1978 - I have little experience with girls, but just wanted to say this happened to my friend's DD, who is the tallest in her class. She's definitely not fat, I can say that objectively, I would say slightly rounded. She got bullied for it (around y3)...it lasted a few days and they all moved on.

So while the family health drive is a long term investment - and good luck with that (can't beat family bike rides)- def speak to school in the short term and take heart that it may blow away very quickly anyway. I hope your DD starts smiling again very soon

Unpleasant opinions showing through on this thread.

Child gets bullied. Answer = change her until she fits in/ correct herself in the eyes of the bully.

Nice bit of victim blaming... Of a 7 year old!

If the bullies said her hair was wrong, or skin or eye colour, I guess you'd have to change those too. After all, it's either her fault or the parents fault right? nothing to do with bullies, who are after all, correct in their behaviour...

Revolting.