DD not keen on our chosen primary. Would you listen to her worries?

[stickygotstuck]

To cut a long story short - We got our 2nd choice (largish school B, 220 kids) in April and we were happy with that. But now a place has become available in our first choice school (tiny school A, 75 kids), and that one has been given to us automatically, so DD no longer has a place at school B.

As it happens, we now prefer school B and have found out that there are a couple of places left. Great, we thought, and we are planning to apply for one. But DD (4.5 yo) now says she does not want to go to school B because 'there are new children there and I will be scared', and 'Nursery friend (only sees her at nursery) is going there'. Not one child from her nursery will go to school B, whereas there will be children she knows in school A. She knows this, as kids have been excited in nursery talking about the schools they are going to.

Would you send her to school A, based solely on her feelings about it?

For background, we put in our application feeling really torn between two very different, good schools. Originally, we went for school A because it's smaller. DD has always been a cautious little girl and can find large groups intimidating. She is still not one for noise and crowds, but she has grown up a lot since the original application and copes much better with large groups now, and we feel she would cope with with school B.

School B is larger, has better facilities and, crucially for me, is 5 minutes' walk from home (school A is 7 minutes' drive away). We now feel that a larger place would be best long-term as in a tiny school she may be a bit too cosseted (then again, maybe that's what she needs??) Also important: 1. DD has no siblings so the more the merrier, maybe
2. School B is also a bit more 'rough' (relatively) and that is a niggle.

So what would you do?

Also sure if your dd clingy school will let you stay as will want calm and happy children......

How did it go sticky?

She liked it, I think. Stayed for a couple of hours, played outside, did some crafts, got to meet the yr 1s and 2s she'll share a class with. Missed mummy but there were no tears and was cheereful enough whwn I picked her up.

She was the only girl there although I was told there is another 4 who couldn't come today.

I felt like a total outsider, and it looks as if there is not a single child in her year who lives in our village. Which is quite unusual.

So, one happy child, one unhappy mother - hmmm...

Hi stickygotstuck:

Gosh, reading some of your posts I just wanted to say that I have had such similar delimmas (DDs now Y3 & Y5) and I think many who have posted here will all agree no school is perfect.

And that's the problem....

Parents feel such huge pressure now because allegedly the choice is ours. Somehow when there was no choice - if you lived on this street you went to that school no matter what - it was easier. But because we're now asked to 'shop around' local schools we start to compare - and each school is different and has its good and bad points.

Are the KS2 SATs the true indicator of school's suitability?

Is the OFSTED report?

Is my impression of the school at the open day?

Is the general opinion of friends & neighbours about the school more reliable - after all they've sent kids there?

Can I just say stickygotstuck give yourself permission to accept that there is no 'perfect solution' to this chosing a school lark. You have to do your best, of course, but within reason.

I know you are worried because there are so few girls, but please remember that class dynamics can change. DD2 started out with 20 boys and 10 girls YR and it is now 14 girls and 16 boys in Y3. Some of the boys are absolutely lovely and indeed DD1 (Y5) is great pals with some of the boys (even got invited along to a party as the only girl) - simply because she's Dr. Who mad and very sporty.

Also don't forget that you can have friends in different years. DD2 started off with lots of Y5/ Y6 girls 'looking after her' and helping her (cute little 4 year old syndrom I think). When they left she was devastated but those 2 years meant she built up friendships and experiences with the girls and boys in her class. She also now has quite a group of younger DCs (many known from after school club or orchestra) that she knows and plays with or helps during breaks.

Try to reserve judgement. Give it a year. And remember there are remedies:

Unhappy socially: Have your DD join rainbows, music lessons (in school if available - leads to youth orchestra with lots of other schools), dance classes, swim classes to make friends outside of school.

Unhappy academically - (and this is our situation) - you can do more at home to help close the gap.

This is only her first school. She'll go on to senior school (possibly middle school in some areas) - and maybe beyond. Sometimes I think parents put too much emphasis on primary. It's rare we remain in our home communities - many go on to work elsewhere and move away from those early childhood friends, losing touch over the years as our lives get busy with work & family. It's 7 years of her life, it's her first years of education and a wider social world - but it isn't her only chance to make friends.

Children naturally make the best of the situation they find themselves in - and your DD will too!

HTH

Good advice fromPastsellbydate.
It is good that dd enjoyed herself and you must be relieved about that.
Do you think you will feel less of an outsider in time? Is there something specific that is making you feel that way?
Did you get a chance to chat to anyone? Other parents or children?
Try not to worry too much. All is new and daunting for all new primary parents.

Aww, thank you Past, that's it, I find all this 'choice' malarkey is just too much pressure sometimes. I do wish we had an infant and junior syatem. Unfortunately, this is 7 years in the same place.

The boy/girl ratio doesn't generally worry me too much. I was a boys' girl myself at primary, although DD seems much more drawn to play with girls. Although all her friends from our baby group happen to be boys.

Faded, I don't know about the feeling of being an outsider improving. This year most children seem to come from the village itself, and everybody has known each other for ages, knows everybody's business, etc. I find that suffocating. I did talk to some of the parents, and they seemed nice and similar in outlook to me, so that's something.

When your first child starts school it is very easy to feel everyone else knows each other. But it is often not really true.

There are: those who know each other because they have older siblings, those who have bumped into each other at toddlers, or the playground, or have gone to the same nursery etc. It is a bit like starting seniors, where I paired up for a month or more with the only other girl from my Juniors to go to that school, even though we had never even liked each other!

It will almost certainly improve.

I think you are stressing too much over this. I remember agonising over choosing a school for DS1 and getting the right fit for him. For DS2, a very different boy, of course there was no option but for the school DS1 already attended.

A few months back we moved 150 miles and due to a lack of space we didn't get into the local school. I had to go with what was available. Of course neither boy knew a soul and 4 months on they have made some wonderful new friends and so have I. My boys are 6 and 4 and left some marvellous friends behind, but they are unscathed. It will be fine, whatever you decide.

Thanks for the encouragement, mummytime and Llareggub!