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Primary education

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Help, sexual bullying in Y1

173 replies

Lost4anything · 19/01/2013 12:40

My DD, age 5, told me that boys from Y2 (age 6) surrounded her and one boy told her "You are my girlfriend, baby", pulled her tights down and put his finger in her bottom "to feel inside".

Boys' parents know about this culture (before this incident) but find it cute and innocent. I spoken with the teacher and her first response was that boys deny everything.

I am having trouble moderating my reaction between taking her out of school to calling social services.

How to get the school to deal with this? In case anyone wonders, this an outstanding oversubscribed school in very leafy rural area.

What to say to DD?

OP posts:
piggywigwig · 19/01/2013 19:18

Op

We worried along the same lines as you ie "What if people say she asked for it, or she wanted it to happen?" We worried that no-one would believe us, or more importantly, her. Please don't worry about this anymore - take it from someone who knows exactly what you're going through...please, please, please contact SS as a matter of urgency!

piprabbit · 19/01/2013 19:43

It worries me that there is at least one boy who is overly sexually aware (possible because he has been abused too) and he is involving the rest of the boys in the class in abusing the girls.
If the school does nothing then there is a cohort of girls who have been sexually abused and a cohort of boys who mistakenly think this is an appropriate way to interact with their female peers.
This seems to terribly damaging to the whole community. Please be brave and speak to either the NSPCC or SS this weekend, so that you know best how to deal with the school on Monday.
Personally I don't think I could let my DD return to that environment.

Lavenderhoney · 20/01/2013 09:14

How awful for you and your dd. you must take iftar further and I would not leave it to the head or teacher. Let them do what they should in terms of telling the right people and you also tell the right people and ss.
It doesn't matter what people think. You have a duty to protect your dd. anyone who says she in yr1 is asking for it should be ignored or noted by you to be reported as enabling. Who would think that anyway? I should think most people would be horrified on your behalf - but why discuss with neighbours etc? It's not a subject to be gossiped about surely? And make your dd feel awkward with you telling people as a item of interest to fill a coffee morning.

I am furious for you- it seems a bizarre way for the school to act. You need to ensure break time is covered and how on earth did it happened during supervised play anyway? You don't need to talk to the boys parents, just direct them at the head.

Don't be fobbed off. What if it gets worse? Can you change schools?

sunnyday123 · 20/01/2013 09:34

Surely a culture like this will not change overnight either? - I'm afraid I'd move her ASAP - no way would I send her back, even if they did agree to deal with it properly. That's so serious I can't even imagine that happening to my dd and feel so sorry for you :(

I am surprised anyone would consider keeping their child at such a school- the reaction of the teachers and more importantly the parents would have me remove her straight away.

I'd report to SS and the head but even so there's no way I'd keep her there.

HellesBelles396 · 20/01/2013 09:34

If there are less than a certain number of pupils (50 something, I think) supervision of breaktimes is not legally required.

Lost4anything · 20/01/2013 11:09

I asked DD and she tells me that many girls in her class had the same experience (she gave 7 names). They told their mummies and mummies told them to stay away from that boy...

Am I hallucinating?

OP posts:
musicalfamily · 20/01/2013 11:16

It makes even more of a compelling case for an agency to investigate.

I would go ahead if I were you and call SS today/tomorrow morning first thing.

HellesBelles396 · 20/01/2013 11:19

Definitely, and, if you feel able to, you could speak to the parents of the other girls and let them know what you're doing.

FairPhyllis · 20/01/2013 11:24

Holy shit OP. Looks like this school has an endemic culture of sexual abuse.

I would phone police/social services today. I know the kids are under the age of criminal responsibility, but I think calling the police would still be appropriate and will guarantee SS involvement.

teacherwith2kids · 20/01/2013 11:37

Admission
"Firstly I would say in relation to your daughter. It is not the first time from your posts that something that is sexual in nature has happened to her, so when you take it further it is almost for sure you are going to have to accept that there will be some kind of come back to you, your daughter and your family."

Would it be possible to summarise the earlier issues, OP? It might help to put your worries, e.g. about how it might come back onto your daughter / you, into context?

waltermittymissus · 20/01/2013 11:39

Fucking hell. Something needs to be done about that child and that school.

Phone SS immediately and don't let it drop! This is very, very disturbing!

sunnyday123 · 20/01/2013 11:39

I'm actually more shocked that 7(!!!!!) parents think its ok to put a 5 yr old back in that environment! I wouldn't care what those other parents say - it seems there is some sort of acceptance of this being normal childhood behaviour which is pretty disgusting! There's no way I'd return my 5 year old child to a school like this, no way in a million years!

musicalfamily · 20/01/2013 11:42

It could also be that the 7 girls in question didn't tell the parents the whole story..............

mrz · 20/01/2013 11:55

or that parents worried what the neighbours might think

sunnyday123 · 20/01/2013 12:15

I still can't understand why any of the initial parents reaction was not to phone the police or social services straight away! Ok in reality the police may not charge or anything but I'd imagine they'd take it seriously and initiate some sort of process? I wonder because its gone on for a while and played down by the school, that its become less shocking over time? I remember as a child one of the girls in my year had her knickers pulled down at age 8 and the whole town knew about it!

My initial reaction would not have been to liase with school but to go the police - common sense about who actually deals with it would have come later but initial anger and the thought of that happening to my dd would have me on the phone straight away.

Op please do something now and not be swayed by school or other parents- this is your dd and your responsibility to keep her safe. Already it's progressed from showing her bum to touching. This should have been dealt with by all the parents last year when it started.

Lost4anything · 20/01/2013 13:13

Well, last year , when DD was in Reception, I heard from a friend who has a son then in Y1 that boys in Y1 were showing their parts to girls and that there was this "show me yours" culture. A week later DD told me that a group of boys and girls from Y1 pulled her knickers down to see her bottom. I took this incident in context of this "show me yours". I reported it to the reception teacher stressing that I find this unacceptable. She looked taking it very seriously. She investigated and told that there was inappropriate "sillinesss" going on in Y1 and the school dealt with it. Indeed they had some discussions with parents and lessons in Y1 to put this "silliness" under control, although I don't exactly know what. That was last year. I kept asking DD about anyone looking at her bottom and she didn't report anything until last week.

This year, I personally observed almost every day after school how Y2 girls and boy tease each-other that "boyfriends" should kiss "girlfriends" and I even heard words like "make love" , or was it "have sex"? I rejected this as a hallucination, I suppose. I was uncomfortable with this discourse of some children, in this years Y2 for a while. I don't know how Y1-Y2 children get to know those things.

Before I heard about the finger incident, I spoke with a number of mums from Y2 at a social gathering. They were aware apparently of the obsession with kissing, looking at bottoms and of the language used. They dismissed it as children didn't understand any of it in their opinion. They told me there was "boyfriend" culture, where boys were competing to have "girlfriends", some more than one, and if a boy kissed a girl's hand it meant they were "engaged". One mother told me my DD had a boyfriend and her body language as she was saying that made me uncomfortable. Other parents speculated how innocent older year groups were. The general mood was that it was all innocent and cute.

In my view this early sexualisation would make them explore things they don't need to and can't put in proper context at their age. There is also peer pressure to participate in this.

This was before the finger incident, which puts it all in a different light.

My DD told me the detail about the incident in several installments as it were. So I agree that maybe other girls didn't tell their parents all the detail. Or maybe the parents just are in denial, like I was, and minimize this as mere cute silliness.

I certainly view this as a culture of sexual assault and group bullying, an inappropriate sexualisation that clearly gone beyond anything innocent. One wonders how a 5-7 years old get to know about fingers.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 20/01/2013 13:30

I would ring ss and the police, without hesitation. Good luck op I hope it is taken seriously

hermioneweasley · 20/01/2013 13:40

Lost4, agree with the others who say raise hell about this. The behaviour needs to stop before your daughter gets left with issues, but I am more concerned about the boy who must be exposed (as a minimum) to adult content materials for that behaviour and vocab.

greenfolder · 20/01/2013 15:27

Honestly I would remove my child from this school immediately, I really would. This is not normal.

Highlander · 20/01/2013 18:02

Your daughter is spending most of her day in a place where sexual assualt is accepted.

If you fail to protect her now, there is a cery real probability that she'll grow up accepting that this is how males treat females.

Police, SS ASAP. GP for counselling for her.

LineRunner · 20/01/2013 19:33

I don't think your 5 year old DD can really know what other mothers told their DDs. That's for the police and SS to worry about and investigate.

Please just do report this to the police in the way that you have explained it to us.

snowybrrr · 21/01/2013 08:58

I would be absolutely horrified that this could happen in the school playground without any staff seeing.These are all very young children who need to be properly supervised.Six boys pulling a girls tights down should have been noticed.
Have you spoken to the other parents? If you have corroboration by another parent that this has happened to their daughter, the school can't turn round and say your DD is making it up.
Please keep us posted -this is horrifying!

LemonBreeland · 21/01/2013 09:20

OP I would be horrified and furious in equal measure. What is wrong with these parents that they are so unconcerned about it. I would not be sending my child back there until it was sorted. Please call SS and call the HT and tell them you want it fully investigated.

Lavenderhoney · 21/01/2013 09:27

I would stop using the expression " culture" and use the term " inappropriate behaviour which is rife in the school"

Culture could mean somewhere it's considered the norm and it should not be used as it can be misinterpreted and acceptance of a way of doing things.
Am also amazed no other parents seem to have done anything. Even the boys parents should know and be given an opportunity to stop their sons.

How did you get on today op?

Lost4anything · 21/01/2013 09:57

School is closed for snow.

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