Help, sexual bullying in Y1

[Lost4anything]

My DD, age 5, told me that boys from Y2 (age 6) surrounded her and one boy told her "You are my girlfriend, baby", pulled her tights down and put his finger in her bottom "to feel inside".

Boys' parents know about this culture (before this incident) but find it cute and innocent. I spoken with the teacher and her first response was that boys deny everything.

I am having trouble moderating my reaction between taking her out of school to calling social services.

How to get the school to deal with this? In case anyone wonders, this an outstanding oversubscribed school in very leafy rural area.

What to say to DD?

[piprabbit]

Maybe call the NSPCC for advice then?

[GW297]

It is a safeguarding issue. The school has a duty of care towards both the boys and your daughter.

[wheresthebeach]

Agree with the others - call SS today. This is appaulling and will only get worse if it's not stopped.

[drjohnsonscat]

Of course this is sexual assault. Your daughter has been sexually assaulted. It doesn't matter to her that it is by another child or that the law doesn't class the perpetrators as sex offenders because they are children. She has still been seriously sexually assaulted.

If it were me, I would not send my daughter back to school and would contact SS immediately until the school take action. I would be surprised if the police had no role here - at least in ensuring that action was taken.

Also I would be talking to my GP about whether there is any counselling available for DD.

This is really awful and I am horrified at the inaction by the responsible authorities.

[piprabbit]

I think that the school being closed today gives you the breathing space to talk to other agencies today and make a plan of action for what you need to do tomorrow and longer term.

You can still write to the school today as you planned to, you can email the head (I'd be surprised if he wasn't in the office, even if the school is closed). However, having read back through your posts, you seem to only see this as a school problem while most posters have said they think the school seems to be ill-equipped to handle the issue effectively and you need independent support. Maybe today you can find some RL independent support?

[BuiltForComfort]

You should also contact the Governors - Chair and whichever governor has designated safeguarding responsibilities. Hopefully the details should be on the school's website.

[iseenodust]

I would send an email to the school today outlining all your concerns. I would be clear in it that my child was not returning to school until measures to address these behaviours are in place (investigation, named responsible adults, programme with dates of PHSE sessions for classes). You are also at liberty to report the school to OFSTED because it is bullying as well as sexual.

[AndiMac]

I don't have any more advice to offer, but will offer support that I also would be livid if this happened to my Y1 daughter and would also follow it up every available path. Don't let them brush you off with a comment that it's just silliness.

[snowybrrr]

Yes and please talk to the other parents.If there have been reports to the school before of this type of thing, the agencies need to know.

[FairPhyllis]

I second the posts about not sending your daughter back to that school btw. She may not understand what has happened, but you have to protect her from being sexually assaulted again.

I would also take advice about specialist counselling.

[steppemum]

Op
just to add my voice ot those saying it os totally out of order.
Any child touching anothers sexual parts is considered to be an incident.The context you give makes it worse (in that it was deliberate)

I would be livid. As a teacher I once had a child in my class who was excluded when he did this repeatedly to the gilrs. The school felt it could not safeguard the girls properly when he couldn't stop. (he had other issues, but that was the crunch point) That is how serious it is.

The boyfriend thing while annoying and innapropriate is a distraction. The boys pulling down girls knickers and sticking fingers in is a big problem.

Please get some support (NSPCC?)
Ask to talk to teacher. If not happy, tell he you would like to refer to head, when make an appointment with head, ask if the member of staff responsible for safeguarding can be present. Ask for their policy on safeguarding.

Your daughter has been sexually assaulted. Other girls are at risk. Please don't let them shrug you off

[learnandsay]

SS should have had a chance to give their opinion on this by now.

[sunnyday123]

Have SS been contacted yet op?

[MsMoppet]

I would like to add my voice to those cautioning about escalation from this behaviour as the children get older. At my primary school, aged 5-6yrs I would sit at the top of the climbing frame at break times to avoid the boys. I saw them in packs chasing a girl onto the sports field and pulling their knickers down. This happened regularly and I don't know details as I was never caught. I left at 6yrs old. A friend who continued there said that kids were "having sex" in the toilets by age 10-11yrs. I can't say whether that was true but it scared the shit out of me. This is obviously highly anecdotal but I just think proves the point that whatever you might think/hope couldn't possibly be happening at the school, could be.

[Lost4anything]

Of course this behaviour will escalate into sex in the toilets. It came to this because last year they didn't do enough about boys pulling down knickers.

SS will kick the ball back to the school. The boy's parents will blame everyone else, will promise everything and SS will blame them mildly and ask to not do it again.


The broader picture here is a general sexualisation of children. Yes, some children might be abused, but most likely it happens through older siblings and internet. How do I know they are not having sex in the toilets in Y1 in the next posh school or in the next failing school?

The only local school with places (and closest to us) is a failing school in special measures for 3 years where 25% of pupils are travelers bused to school from 40 miles arround. Another 10% are children from families known to SS from local council estates. I know because a friend of mine worked with this vulnerable children and knows the environment in that school. Nobody knows where DD will be safer.

What infuriates me most, is that my daughter is a victim and she is the one to be punished. I want this boy kicked out of the school, not my daughter being taken out. The question is can the school come hard on this rife behavior and stamp it out. Or is it an irreversible descent in hell?

[piprabbit]

It sounds like you are looking for a discussion on the early sexualisation of children, instead of taking action to to protect your DD and the other children in the school.

There are over 100 messages on this thread, all advising that you take quick, positive action. I can't see that you have done, or are planning to do anything.

[Branleuse]

id be thinking that the boys had been exposed to porn or had been sexually abused themselves tbh.

Theres no way a 6 year old would think to feel inside another childs bottom otherwise, and I think this should be immediately flagged up, and in most cases would.

[SparkleSoiree]

Whilst you are waiting for the school to reopen it may be an idea to give the NSPCC a ring for some guidance and just someone to give you a sounding board. You don't need to give any specific information like names or addresses but they will listen to all of your concerns and offer support. I found them very helpful and impartial whilst keeping it all grounded for me. I had cause to ring them after my youngest DD was sexually abused by a child in our family who was 11 at the time. Many others wanted to say things like 'its normal, kids learn like that, its all part of growing up, etc" Well it's not. Because one person says its normal for their life doesn't make it normal for somebody else's life. You may feel like a lonely voice trying to be heard, people may shout you down or try to make you out to be some kind of vindictive drama queen but you are NOT and you must get yourself heard. Our family has been torn apart by what others perceived as 'normal childhood behaviour'. But having been a victim of sexual abuse myself as a child and never been able to tell I refused to keep silent after it happened to my daughter. We have lost contact with a lot of our family and most of our friends that we had known for years as they felt we were over-reacting.

Regardless of the age of criminality what has happened to your daughter is assault and it is your daughter's safety and welfare that should be safeguarded now (as well as other children).

It is not a rite of passage that girls have to endure some kind of kiss chase game, have their knickers pulled down or constantly have bra straps pulled by inquisitive boys. Yet some parents seem to think it is. Children have to be taught to respect each other's personal space, thereby learning respect for their peers.

I hope you and your daughter get the support you need.

[Cantbelieveitsnotbutter]

Oh my gosh your poor daughter.
Did you get a chance today to speak to anyone today?

Gotta say if she was mine she wouldn't be going back until they can safe guard her (and the others) the schools failed to protect your daughter. I shudder to think of the next step that will inevitably follow.

[Passthesherry]

Adding my voice that in no way should behaviour like that be passed off as 'silliness' and not taken seriously. The boy took your dd's tights down and put his finger in her bottom! That's sexual assault. Alarm bells would certainly ring about the perpetrator's exposure to sex acts at such a young age too. Very disturbing.

FWIW I too have a 5yo dd in Yr1 - and there is no way on earth something like that would be passed off as 'cute' or just a bit of 'silliness'. Not all school cultures are the same, as in dd's school the atmosphere is very much on chase games, tag, and the boys/ girls play very well, in an innocent and non-sexualised manner. Last year in Reception there was a bit of "I'm going to marry so-and-so!" along with hand-holding, and sitting together etc. - but that seems to have passed into more sporty/teamworky games now. I do believe this is partly due to the school's way of emphasising respect and co-operation. It's an outstanding, inner city state school.

Anyway, I find your dd's school's lack of response - tbh, it's a complete negation and denial of your claims (as if just because the alleged perpetrators denied it, it needs no further investigation?!) to be pretty awful and unsupportive, more about covering their own backs. What messages are being quietly passed on to pupils here? It's a huge betrayal of trust, and it would not give me confidence in continuing to send my child there.

I would keep her off school until this is sorted and contact NSPCC for advice/support, SS, police even, if you get no joy from the school. Tell your daughter she has not done anything wrong, but the school needs to make sure it doesn't happen again.

I would be sending a letter detailing times, dates and details of what happened, and your concerns to the Head Teacher, board of Governors, copied to the Inspectors, and asking what course of action was being taken to prevent these incidents being repeated yet again (given something had already happened before). Yes - I would be causing a right stink!

[Cantbelieveitsnotbutter]

If it was my son I'd be mortified he'd done it, petrified why he knew to do it and lastly thankful we knew before it got worse so we could nip it in the bud before his behaviour escalated.

[sunnyday123]

I agree totally piprabbit - if I kne the school I'd be on the phone myself!

[teacherwith2kids]

PasstheSherry,

I am not absolutely sure that the school has 'done nothing' about this incident - there is no evidence that the OP has spoken to the school or anyone else about it at all as yet....which I find very odd indeed, if this is a real event concerning a real child which happened exactly as described....

[HellesBelles396]

tbh, I was wondering whether to email mnhq and suggest they refer this to ss as I am concerned - extremely concerned - that OP does not seem to have done so.