to move or not to move Dd (9) schools -anyone heard of big fish/little pond theory

[semirurallife]

need some advice... a year ago moved to totally new area at short notice. it was the middle of the summer, education office said would have to wait until term started to find out of local primary (an outstanding) had a space. so with financial support from grandparents and ex, Dd went to cheap local private school, where a cousin was already (and which was open to confirm a place befroe move). but despite being a bright and happy kid, she really has not settled, its very competitive and all girls. Now her little bro has started at the local school and is very happy and we (dh) think there is a space into which she could go in yr 4.. seems obvious? but not sure coz of very good reputation of current school, and know grandparents will be furious (whether or not that matters is another story)... been doing my reserach online and apprently there is a big pond/ little fish theory which holds that bright kid in very demanding school will feel much worse that if in average school where they get to be thought of as reasonably clever. anyone had that experience? what did you do??? thanks!!

I don't have have personal experience of the big fish small pond theory myself. But if your DD is still not happy and settled at her new school after a year surely that is a good enough reason to seriously investigate moving her to your DS's school. Less school run hassle and saves a lot of school fees. I would put the issue of family offence being caused by your moving your DD out of the private school to one side until you have decided what is best for her. Does your DD want to move schools?

My DS was a big fish at his small pond primary so we deliberately chose a highly selective secondary school where he would be a medium size fish in a large pond. Pls pardon the continuing analogy but he is keen to swim with the big fishes so he tries harder academically than he would have done at the local non-selective.

In our case, we are glad that we made the choice that we did. However, each child is different. It sounds like your DC prefers to be the bright kid in a not so academic school. I guess that this is where I wheel out the old cliche about choosing a school that suits your DC.

thanks Kamer and TotallyBS... logistics of being at same school would be a bonus, not to mention financial cost - but we are lucky and only pay very small amounts. its just a massive step - we did think of it last year, as she had a weird old lady teacher who gave her and other outspoken girls a hard time; and went to look at a tiny school that she shied away from; so instead spoke to the head and the old teacher has now been retired (she was sweet but it was due). as for what DD wants it?s a bit harder to say exactly. She talks about being told off all the time by her current teacher, and of being in the lowest group for all academic activities, but that?s not wholly true.. but even if it isn?t, the fact she feels it is, is to me the most important thing. Why pay for your kid to feel put down and average? Its nonsense. So to me instinctively i think move, but my brain says leave her... tough.. what other questions can I ask myself to make the right judgement? Her dad, my ex, is totally uninterested, and my DH not necessarily that up on the intricacies of school life... he would be if it were our son, but is less observant when it comes to her.

We thought a big exciting school would be just the thing, after a tiny infant school.... but maybe it was too much, a new school and a new set of friends ? and being all girls they can be bitchy, sad to say, and the ups and downs of friendships, although normal to an extent, seem unsettling here... Instead of trying harder she seems to be losing confidence... and we could do more homework and try to pull her up to the top of the class but am not sure she would really do all the extra work, or that its worth it...