Nasty school report

[bubblyblonde]

I have a DS in year 6 (just left) who has attended what had always seemed fantastic school in north london.

However this school report has said that he has made 'Hurtful and Unkind' comments to his peers. As this is his final report I am very upset. His report in general is very negative and we are so upset that we are planning to tear it up, however I can't seem to forget about it, as he is such a kind and popular character.

Do you think I should persue this, especially as my DD is still there for 3 years.

Is his teacher allowed to put this on his report? It seemed spiteful.

Why not wait and see how he gets on in Y7?
A lot of cocky Y6 have a very steep learning curve in their first year at secondary, and they are suddenly very small fish in a very big pond.
It is often the making of them, responsibility and independence flourish.

OP - please don't be defensive about the report. I really think the report was written to try and open your eyes to your DS's behaviour - so that you can address issues before secondary, where it will become far more difficult.

You do seem oblivious to your DS's behaviour and appear to be looking to apportion blame elsewhere. I agree with PP who have said that being sent to the HT in primary is very serious and I think you should have spoken to the school to address this earlier.

Most of us want to believe our DC are the brightest, kindest, sweetest [insert other gushing (ad)verb here] child there is, but often we have to accept we are incredibly biased and that this isn't the case - that their behaviour/effort/attainment isn't quite what we believe is the case. As difficult as it is, it would be far better to address the issues now than to ignore them.

I'm afraid to say that with every 'justification' of your son's behaviour you have given, I am more in sympathy with his class teacher. I suspect the report you received was actually a sanitised version of what she really wanted to say but wasn't allowed.

Year 7 often have an early 'how are they settling in?' parents' evening with the form tutor, although year 7 are often quite muted at the start and find their feet a little later in the year. I suggest you email ahead of time and say you'd appreciate a very honest appraisal of how dc1 is doing and back the school to the hilt in getting him off to a fresh start at his new school. And then keep close eye on detentions etc at secondary, always been sure why he's received the sanction. Btw, if he ever ends up seeing the head at secondary, be very concerned!

sorry 'being sure why he received the sanction'

Oh, and good luck with "pursuing it with the governors"
What exactly do you think they can or will do with regard to your son's behaviour being flagged up on his report?
If you are expecting the teacher to be sanctioned, you are unbelievably deluded.

So, hang on. Your son was sent to the Head "a few" times, and you sat around passively waiting to be told why (apart from hearing your ds's version of events) and when you heard nothing, let it lie??? Really?

He was accused of bullying yet "the other child was lying and apologised?" According to your ds. What actually happened? Ask the Head that, perhaps.

He is popular, yet other children have "set him up" and "are jealous of him."

"Disrespectful to teachers." I'm afraid that's a polite way of saying he's been bloody rude, despite what how say you've taught him.

The girls getting the lead parts in the show has "stirred things up between boys/girls." If your ds is good at acting and was therefore disappointed, it surely doesn't take Miss Marple to work out who might have been wielding the spoon.

"Erratic progress this year" is a statement of fact, and the reasons behind it (family illness) not necessarily relevant to post (although I have to say that I would have qualified such a statement). "Doing the bare minimum," regardless of whether his SAT results were OK, probably means they were unsure how much impact the family illness had, if he had a history of a poor work ethic anyway.

OP, I'm afraid it really is time you woke up and smelt the coffee re: your ds. You simply cannot expect to demand a re-written report, or to complain to the governors just because someone has written how they have found your ds to be. Otherwise reports become even more meaningless than they already are. It might be that the this teacher could have dressed it up a bit more tactfully, but the bottom line is the same: your ds has been behaving poorly recently. It is your responsibility to deal with it - with him, not the school.

Y7.
The answer to so many issues in Y6.

Ds mentioned he had been sent to headmaster concerning a girl who had said that he and other boys were bullying her, however it turned out that she was lying and apologised to them.
OP, if teacher observed such behaviour in the class room on the part of your DS, it is very possible that some of the problems described are true, teacher could have phrased it better I agree, but perhaps she felt now is the right time to address these issues, prior to your DS starting seniors.
Bullying issues are very serious in any scenario, but at senior level of education they carry more severe consequences and in some cases permanent exclusion.
Sit and talk to your son, and get to the bottom of the situation, it sounds there is more to it then just "malicious teacher"
"He is only 11", well yes but not for long, ask yourself, Will I believe every word he says when he is 14,15,16?, you better not, sorry.
If it was me, I would be inclined to do nothing about report(no rewriting), but to do something about my son, talk to him, get to the pit of things, and don't worry to much about y6 report being sent to the senior school, make sure he is happy and eager, but also responsible about this new transition and most importantly ready to be treated and treat others in grown up and respectful way,good luck.

OP youneed to remove those rose tinted glasses.
You can't ignore all the negatives and embrace all the positives

The unkind boys of Y6 often go on to be utter pains in the arse to all concerned by Y8, if their parents refuse to believe that there is anything to address.

It's time for your ds to learn some responsibility. There is a consequence for every action and, yes, a lot of the time he will get it wrong. Let him experience the consequences in a safe and supportive environment so that he can learn from his mistakes.

Talk to him about his attitude. If he answers back to teachers he will find himself in a lot of lunchtime detentions. If he does not take responsibility for having all the right equipment and uniform, he will get detention. If he doesn't put the effort into his schoolwork, you will withdraw some of his privileges. If he is unkind to friends, he will lose them.

He starts his new school with a clean sheet. It can go one of two ways. What kind of future does he want for himself. Would he like to be able to run a car, buy or rent his own home, have holidays, raise children. All these cost money and if he wants them he will need a job, hopefully a job that provides enough for those luxuries he would like. He will need to get into good habits with schoolwork and homework so that he will be well prepared to sit his gcses.

Help him get started by giving him some responsibilities at home over the holidays. Make sure he can work the washing machine, teach him how to cook and iron. Get him to help with cleaning and gardening. Prepare him for his future as a young adult and watch his self esteem and maturity blossom.

And don't accept any back chat from him.

It's awful to read the negatives, including the truth.

They have done you a huge favour, nip his behaviour in the bud and get more involved.
If my child was in the heads office i would want to know why.

Your jumping to his defence when clearly there is a problem. Are you upset that other parents were proud of their childs report?

I'm shocked that you asked them to re write the report! I would be asking for lots of information in order to help my child going forward.

i just know a mother in DS's nursery group is going to be like this all through their school years

Agree with Fallen.

Y7 will tell you if this report was the result of a spiteful teacher or whether it accurately portrayed your son's behaviour at school. After all, next year you will receive a report written by many different teachers. If this is the teacher's issue, then you need not worry what the Y7 report will say. If not...

I've got to agree with most of the other posters here. You are making excuses for him, because it hurts to know the truth.
It is one thing to teach our children to stand up for themselve, but there are times and places and consequences that go with it.
You don't get sent to the head for minor reasons...usually severe rudeness ,disobedience or bullying. The child who was made to apologise to your son may have had to because she used the "bullying" word and it wasn't a true definition of bullying, but your son may have been very unkind to her and she felt "got at".

The report itself may not go to the senior school, but there is usually some sort of contact between the year 6 and year 7 teachers so they know what sort of issues to look out for.

I suggest you tell your son that he needs to tread very carefully over the next year, if he wants this to go away.

Hi bubblyblonde:

OK I understand you're upset to hear these things about your son out of the blue, but there clearly have been problems this year.

I know it may be a hard line to take but maybe the solution is to see the report as the teacher trying to warn you & your son about his behaviour. Even if it's not totally fair, if even the smallest part of the negative comments is true it's not a good way to be proceeding.

I don't think you should have a big row or even an inquisition - but at some point when the mood is right a good long chat about the report with your son may be useful. He may be well behaved at home for you, family & friends but that doesn't necessarily mean that's the case at school. You need to get to the bottom of why the teacher has this view - it may be that the teacher is 'nasty' but it may be that your DS hasn't always behaved ideally or has fallen in with a 'mouthy' or 'bad' crowd (possibly being found guilty by association).

Mouthy, sarcastic, 'what's the point?' behaviour is only going to hinder learning in senior school. What concerns me is that this behaviour could be a response to possible struggle with aspects of learning. It's a lot easier to be loud mouthed or joke about than the knuckle down and get on with the work, especially if you're finding it difficult or if you don't believe you're any good at it. If this is the issue than your DS does need your support and help more than ever.

I hope you get to the bottom of this and find a way through.

HTH

I hope that the OP's son is now enjoying life at university, or work, and this report is now a distant memory.
I have come onto mumsnet as I have a very challenging report to write, and I was just looking for inspiration and thoughts. The parent in question doesn't listen to anything that could be critical of her daughter....

You'd probably have been better starting your own thread, as people will read op and see that it's 11 years old.

FWIW I'm a teacher and would be honest but couch it in positive terms. I'd need to know what you want to say to help with that. But they'll read it and dismiss it anyway, as they have when you've tried to speak to them. Which year group?

Thanks for the suggestions. Year 6. You're right- most of what I've said so far has been dismissed when I've spoken to the mum. I think I've got it now- my message wasn't too clear, I should have put I was curious to see how parents react to less than positive reports. The OP here for example didn't want to listen to what was said on the thread. Maybe the CT did raise the issues with her and she didn't pick up on it. Good luck with your reports!

When people have started similar threads in the past, most parents say that they want an honest report.

But in rl, I find that parents actually want to feel that you liked and understood their child, and bad news isn't received well if it was a surprise (never mentioned before) or if they simply don't believe you. If you've got a parent who thinks you 'picked on' their child then you're not going to change any minds but at least you've recorded your comments in writing. Maybe one day they'll look back and wish they'd listened!

I've just skimmed this thread now and it would be interesting to hear how op's son fared at secondary wouldn't it!

I am really curious too!
Yes, totally agree with the point that nothing new should be included in reports. But as every teacher knows many parents can't pick up on this. I do think reports should be positive, but also honest.

I hope the child isn't in a YOI!

Haha this came up on my 'threads i am on' because this comment i have linked is me under my old username.

I know exactly which child this was and I was right! We are going into Y10 now and thankfully DS and he never became friends!