Nasty school report

[bubblyblonde]

I have a DS in year 6 (just left) who has attended what had always seemed fantastic school in north london.

However this school report has said that he has made 'Hurtful and Unkind' comments to his peers. As this is his final report I am very upset. His report in general is very negative and we are so upset that we are planning to tear it up, however I can't seem to forget about it, as he is such a kind and popular character.

Do you think I should persue this, especially as my DD is still there for 3 years.

Is his teacher allowed to put this on his report? It seemed spiteful.

Ime it is often the children who appear to be popular and well liked who are also nasty and make comments that can be described as "hurtful and unkind".

I am sure that if the child who has constantly made nasty comments to my dd1's dm would say exactly the same things as you are. However having met with various parents in the last week with a dc in the same class, each of them has commented (with no input from me) what a nasty girl she seems to be and that their dc is so glad not to be in her class any more.

You're trying to justify all the comments, which makes me wonder if the teachers had been hinting at this, and you dismissed it.
Perfectly reasonable to say he needs to behave more maturely at 11yo. Sometimes my 5yo needs to behave more maturely... You can teach your child to "nicely speak up for themselves" and they be disrespectful, they can have good SATS results but they didn't put any effort in... get the picture?

without sounding harsh i think you are making up excusess for him and not being honest.

reports must be viewed constructivley, my dd had what i would say a glowing report there where however about 4 or 5 comments about the more negative aspects of her personality, none it was a surprise I know my dd inside out and would have been very surprised if these where not mentioned. My dd was praised and congratulated for all the positives and hard work and we discussed these other negative points and talked about how they could be improved. I think its a shame they where worded so honestly by the teacher as some people find that hard to get to grips with as you seem to have.

Like you say he only 11, but I dont think the teacher has vilafied him in anyway. be honest with your DS and talk about what is happening, lower your expectations and allow him to know he can talk to you and be honest about these things as they occur. i think if he was then ypou would less surprised now.

So your ds hasn't ever said unkind and hurtful things to anyone?

Will you rip up his reports from secondary school as well if you don't like what they say?

It's easy like that isn't it?

Go on blaming everything and everyone except the culpable.

Have you made excuses for his behaviour all his life?

The content of the report should not have been a surprise - the school should have been in touch earlier if there were concerns. However what on earth would be the point of a report if negative comments were not allowed (assuming they are factual obviously). If reports had to be positive (I get the impression that more and more often this is the feeling, both from teachers and parents) then they tell parents less and less, aside from grades and levels which are (theoretically) bald facts (though that is open to debate too...)

I used to teach secondary and the reports did have to be phrased as positively as possible, with the results some parents seemed to be able to read negative as positive and glow and boast about what was in fact a tactfully phrased report searching and reaching for positives about difficult or unmotivated pupils, and those parents would be very difficult to talk to when real concerns needed addressing face to face or by phone... Perhaps more direct phrasing, as long as it is objective, does the parents a favour really by actually letting them know in no uncertain terms that there is a problem they need to address with their child before it overshadows the next stage of schooling ...

consider this comment from my dds reports.

X has a very clear and admarable understanding of right and wrong and will often stand her ground well in play ground disputes as well as speaking up for other children who may be less willing to do so for them selfs. This a very positive aspect of xs personality that will be a credit to her in the future, However she must also recognise that she is not right in every instance and must also remeber it is not always appropriate to argue with the teacher and within frienship groups as this dominance can at times be detremantal to maintaing her friendships and aftects others contribution to lesson time.

Sounds very honest and pretty negative, but I imagine this to be very true of my dd and something that not only affects her but affects others and so really does need to be high lited and addressed. My dd will never learn this if it is not explivit and transparent to her.

Thank you for all your comments they have really helped me to help get this into perspective. I do feel responsible too (in not following up the visits to the head) and hopefully I will learn something from this.

It is very difficult, as one one hand you don't want to ignore the whole report but on the other hand with that comment in it it has been difficult acknowledge it.

I had imagined some negatives but not to that level (15 negatives / 8 positives), it makes it very hard to digest.

I am still unsure about persuing it with the governors, I am not vendictive but equally I really don't want anyone else to go through this nasty shock.

If your son had bern sent to the Head a few times, why are you surprised? Theres no point in saying the school didnt tell you, why did you not ask your son why he was in trouble?

I dont see the point of making a fuss if hes leaving.

I would be persuing it with your son rather than with the governors!

Xpost re headmaster

Tbh, being sent to the head teacher is a pretty strong punishment in primary. Alarm bells should have been ringing and you should have tried to get to the bottom of it at the time. You say he was sent to the head teacher a few times. Sounds like his class teacher was struggling with him.

You must delve deeper to understand what the problem is.

And, yes, take it up with the school and explain to them
That throughout the year, you had never realizes how serious the issues were. They need to improve direct communication with parents.

What would taking it to the governors actually achieve? what outcome would you be looking for from that?

Since it is the holidays I would take it up with your DS - there must be something at the bottom of it.

They won't re-write the report.

Your comment that he was probably reported by jealous children is quite telling, actually; you are completely convinced there is no substance to the allegations, and he's just an injured innocent. Maybe you need to think again with an open mind? And then deal with your son's behaviour, so you don't have a re-hash next year.

He won't have been sent to head for nothing. There is no smoke without fire.

Of course the deputy head loves your DS - he probably never had to teach him.

I find it worrying that you are prepared to excuse everything that your DS might have done.

I think your son is probably a charmer and is pulling the wool over your eyes (the the eyes of the deputy head), but he hasn't fooled his class teacher, who sees him for a large portion of the day.

It's unlikely that he is 'kind and popular' and yet other children are 'jealous' of him and would want to get him into trouble.

Er wouldn't your energy be better spent addressing your sons behaviour rather than blaming everybody else? You're showing s lot more interest than when he was seeing the head. Or is it ok if it's somebody else being called?

Op although you ought to have a chat with your DS about the content of teh report, please don't be too upset.
I think what you are seeing is what we call the Y6 syndrome and it is common esp with boys.They are big fish in a small pool, they get too cocky and big for their boots add to that they have reakllly outgrown primary school and also during the last few weeks/months a bit of the 'what can you do to me , i'm leaving soon!' attitude kicks in
Everyone who works with that age group in a school will have seen it time and time again and what child has
never made an unkind comment?

Maybe it was made so your sons behaviour could be addressed before big school?

I think the most constructive thing you can do is to watch out for any of these behaviours mentioned in the report as he starts the new school.

He has a new start in a different school with fresh teachers but if there are any truths in these comments, his behaviours will follow with him.

Might be worth having a chat with his new tutor early on in the term so that you can work together with the school at keeping an eye on him.

There is absolutely no point in having a report, if it's not honest, or if it only includes the things parents want to hear.
I can't believe that you can casually say "He's been sent to the HT a few times" as if that is acceptable ! You seem to be defending your son about all the points in the report that aren't praising him. It's not easy for a teacher to write things they know parents won't like, but they know that long term it will be a lot better for the child if the family accept and address it at that stage rather than continuing to bury their heads in the sand.

Have to agree with the posters who ask why you never knew why he was being sent to the head

OP you sound utterly blinkered with regard to your child's behaviour. I was sent to see a head teacher twice in my whole school career, and on each occasion my parents made sure they knew why that had happened, and followed up the school discipline with discipline at home.

You will do him no favours if you tell him that you are disregarding this report, pat him on the head and say 'there there Mummy knows you are a good boy'.
You should be pleased that this report has given you some insight into his behaviour, and now you have the summer to get him back on the right path before he starts secondary.