Do I need to consider private schooling or keep hassling the school?

[finefatmama]

This is a rather lengthy one so please bear with me.

DS2 5yrs attends reception in an oversubscribed catholic school (DH's preference not mine) but I don't think the school is working well for him.

Since starting reception, his teacher has complaining about his refusal to spend 80% of his time playing. He sneaks back indoors to turn on the interactive whiteboard or computer thus refusing to follow instructions. He's a september baby and bigger than most of the kids so he plays roughly with them (he also does martial arts) etc. He eventually got the class reward cuddly toy because he didn't have to be told off over the course of the day.

He now thinks of himself as a naughty kid but claims he can't help it (I don't believe that). During parents evenings, she usually has odd feedback ('he can read the whole word but can't sound out the individual parts when I ask him to break it down', 'you haven't taught him x' - often said smugly, 'when I left the class to go for my lunch he scattered the contents of my filing cabinet which I forgot to lock', 'he can count to hundred but most kids learn this by rote at home and don't know what these numbers mean so that doesn't mean he's brilliant', 'no he can't be extended because I have 30 kids to deal with and some don't even know the alphabet which is a priority', 'I know he's bored but I can't give him more work as it HAS to be 80% play for all our children', 'He has poor social skills which is why he won't go out and play' - very smug look). He once had a supply teacher who allowed him to work on the whiteboard and rewarded him for doing a correct sum which resulted in a negative number but according to him, his regular teacher would have told him off.

We have been working with him at home and he has just started year 3 maths and is currently reading Through the Looking Glass and Horrid Henry. We were ok with doing the extra work at home and trying to convince him that the teacher probably didn't mean that he's no good.

Most of the supervision is done by dad who works 9.30am -2.30pm about a mile from home. Fortunately and unfortunately following events at work, he's been promoted to a full time role in London and his current role is no more. We are now very concerned about leaving him to the mercy of the school. They have't been v helpful and have hinted that they are oversubscribed anyway and will have some kids waiting to take his place. our local authority has a shortage of primary school places already so a transfer is unlikely. If we keep fighting the school, we may end up making enemies instead of gaining allies.

We are now wondering if we should tighten our belts and pay for a good independent school where he would be taught at the right level, have access to sports activities, music lessons (dad currently takes him to flute lessons as the school dont allow for under 8s to learn instruments) etc. Or am I just romanticinsing the private school idea?
What other course of actions can anyone advise that we take to ensure a good education? We moved here to get DS1 into a very good special school and I'm not sure if we can keep the special school place if we move to a nearby LEA.

some of the teacher's respnses that you have given here suggest that they have been part of frank exchanges that you have already had with the school already. would this be fair?

Does the school see you as unsupportive over discipline issues as much as you feel a lack of support over education?

It does sound as if he has stuff to learn about relating to others. And about living/working in a community. It also sounds, forgive me if this is just my interpretation, as if you don't think that sort of thing is important.

DS1 read parts of this book to me in YR but soon lost interest as he didn't really understand the language, he could read all the words easily but thats a completely different story to understanding it, I have learnt that it is just as important to understand what he is reading . He is now in Y1 and probably wouldn't understand all of it even now.

Back to the OP - I think there are a few issues here, one of them is getting to the bottom of your DSs behaviour, regardless of the fact that he wants to learn more it is not acceptable behaviour to ignore instructions etc.

They should be able to differentiate for him even in a class of 30, that is not acceptable IMO from the school. There are many teachers on MN who have said they differentiate for all their children and I know DSs school do although they could only do this to a certain extent in YR - they seem to be better at it in Y1 as KS1 has such a wide scope.

YR is a lot of learning through play but certainly NOT just play. They shouldn't get that bored of that part as surely all kids like to play? My DS was only bored when doing the lessons to begin with as they were too easy, the playing bit he loved!

Sorry posted before i had finished,

I agree that you may need to look at alternatives but you still need to talk to them as not only do they need to deal with his behaviour but there is no excuse for them not providing work for him to challenge him.

"He sneaks back indoors to turn on the interactive whiteboard or computer" ... well that would be considered play in the EYFS but I think the point is that he sneaks in and plays with expensive equipment without permission rather than doing what he is meant to do (probably an outdoor learning activity planned by his teacher)

"thus refusing to follow instructions." I'm afraid in life this is something he needs to learn sooner rather than later and it sounds as if it is going to be a difficult lesson regardless of which school /teacher

For me, the real issue here is that he does not follow rules, instructions and seems to think he can do what he likes. Plus he backchats the teacher. All at the age of 5!

TBH THAT is what would concern me as a parent. Not whether he is learning equivalent fractions at 5 years old.

Unless you address his behaviour issues I think whichever school he goes to he will have difficulties realising his full potential.

I was going to say the same about play, accountants. It's unusual I'd say for a child to be bored of playing, especially with 29 other children to have fun with.

This is a 'what can I do to create a better relationship between my ds, his school and us as his parents' thread, not a state vs private one.

Well, part of the backdrop is my son's too clever for a run-of-the-mill state school.

Do you have a big, traditional prep school near you OP, with loads of sports and music and extra-curricular activities? It sound to me like you might be needing wraparound care now too? Is there a local prep that has that covered?

If so, from what you have posted, I think you might be happier with that. If you move him and DS pick up that you really like and respect his new school he might follow suit.

(But the boy's been privately tutored, so he's obviously going to know more than his average peer.)

I've just re-read your OP and see you are somewhere around London, so you must have a traditional prep within 30mins. Maybe look for a boys school?

Why not just consider getting him a private tutor for 1/2 days a week before taking the massive leap to private school fees. I've been in a situation before where the relationship with the teacher had broken down and it's hard to move forward like that. She may well indeed have it wrong and at least a private tutor won't have any prejudices.

I am sorry, but I feel really sceptical about the OP. A reception classroom is a fanastic place for a gifted child. Formal education really stiltles intelligence.

I think your son has behavioural issues and prehaps the reason he is bored is that he completely and uttely lacks friends and the social skills to play. It does not matter how bright your son is, if he does not develop basic social skills he will never lead a happy life.

Prehaps you need an appointment with the SENCO to discuss possible ways to support him both socially and academically. Prehaps he would benefit being evaluated by the ed pych to see if he is actually gifted or has aspergers. Prehaps paying for him to see a private ed pych would be a better use of money than private ed at this stage. Even if you go down the private ed route the ed pych would help you know what kind of school is best for your son.

Your DS sounds like a square peg in a round hole. It may be prep school is better for him, or it may be that you need a quirky school that can accommodate his individualistic nature.

Y1 is a lot less play based than reception.

I would step back and spend six weeks not hassling the school, even though they sound a bit unhelpful.

DD1 wasn't and still isn't great at people, she'd sneak off and do her own thing and fiddle with stuff she shouldn't.
Some teachers can cope with her some can't.

I get the feeling most private schools are terribly conformist so they might find your DS has a harder time still or you might find extra work and sport help enormously.

There is no way of telling.

Personally I'd leave it until next Christmas at the earliest, private school
Is ££ and becomes ££££ as they get older.

Some DCs grow up socially and academically in fits and starts. One set of abilities may not fit with the other.

Personally I'd wait a year, look hard at your finances with DH in his new role and then decide.

We have a similar problem. My daughter is grossly arrogant but in lots of cases she's right because the teacher is not coping with the number of children in the class who are very extreme ends of the ability spectrum. I'm hoping year one is better or I'm going to be facing the same quandary. However the foundation year broadly is about learning to go to school, follow routines and play nicely, and on that front OP your son is failing.

Incidentally, I'm sure that you can teach five year olds about the concepts of infinity, mu, the golden ratio and so on, but how useful are they going to find it? Doesn't it make more sense to teach them how much weight this or that string will hold, or how fast a wheel will roll down this or that hill?

FWIW one of my first memories is being monumentally bored in a Reception classroom, killing time by the sandpit while other children faffed about. Reception needs to be carefully managed if it is to work for all children.

Incidentally learnandsay I didn't say you can't teach young children about infinity ...what I said is that infinity isn't a number

If you move him to a private school, he will still be expected to follow the rules, even more so than now (in my experience of both sides). The work may be more stretching for him, but he will be expected to be outside with his peers at break-times and to join in wherever possible.

A smaller, more nurturing environment sounds like it would suit better than a traditional prep. Have you a small village primary anywhere nearby?

I'm sure I agree with you, mrz. (I was talking directly to the OP.)

Without wishing to generalise, I just wanted to echo what Reallytired said about the opportunity for a gifted child to thrive in reception.This was certainly our experience. My dc was very happy in reception and really had the opportunity to play to her strengths. It wasn't until more formal learning began that she stood out as the square peg in a round hole.
We ended up withdrawing dc from school eventually.
I would wait and see how things go in Year 1, you may be lucky and have a good teacher who is able to differentiate, but I am slightly concerned that you are more focused on him being at year 3 in maths, than you are about addressing his social skills.

A couple of people have said that a child with under developed social skills would be better in a boy's school. Why?

Are you sure that a good independent school would actually take him? They may well do more formal work but they would expect the more formal behaviour to go with it. I would expect a child that age to have respect for other people's property.