DD (5) feeling left out of cliques at playtime

[nightgardener]

Having happily enjoyed preschool and reception at the same school my DD (age 5) is now saying she doesn't like playtimes as she doesn't feel able to join in with the other children. The girls she likes are in a tight knit group and apparently tell her she doesn't play their games right, and she says although she gets on with other children, they only play with her when they don't have a 'better friend' around. We have had lots of children over for playdates and she gets on very well 1:1. She also does a couple of outside activities which are fine-ish. I just feel really upset that she doesn't have a 'best friend' or small group who she feels comfortable with as I think she is starting to lose her self esteem and wonder what is wrong with herself ( nothing- she is pretty, intelligent, funny and kind!- but how can I get the other children to see that?)
I have spoken to the teacher, arranging more playdates and giving DD pep talks! What else can I do??? I hate seeing her revert from happy child into a withdrawn and sad little girl.

What activities does she do out of school? Brownies, ballet, etc?

(Personally I believe "fitting in" is really hard throughout life, not just at school. And school is the early start of it. Sometimes we never get it right till the day we die. It's a skill.)

This is a fairly frequent topic in this forum. You might scroll back over a few pages and see suggestions made to other people.

She does Rainbows and swimming at the moment. I have looked at other pages too, and I agree fitting in is hard throughout life- I just felt I ought to help her early on, rather than leave the situation to get worse. She has come home for 2 weeks now saying she doesn't have friends to play with at playtime, and I don't want it to continue as some of the friendships in the class seem to be getting quite 'settled' and I don't want her to be left out (or feel that way) habitually..

Perhaps you could research how children her age play then. Maybe play children's games with your daughter on a regular basis in order to build her confidence up. Become a bit of a home expert in child psychology. It seems to me that you concern is partly out of "wanting to do something."

And since you're an adult you can't join her in the playground because you're too old. But, I'd be surprised if you're daughter's self confidence wasn't at the heart of this matter and you can help her with that, at least.

excuse typos

Thanks. I am sure you are right about it being her self confidence. And I guess if I can build it up and she manages to overcome this hurdle then she will have learnt some important skills in socialisation which will hopefully serve her well in life!!
(I think I probably over empathise with her as I remember how lonely playgrounds can feel if you are not with a friend...)

There's nothing wrong with being a caring mum. All power to you. Good luck.

Hi nightgardener:

First of all I really feel for you because you're clearly worried for your DD. Every Mum wants their daughter to be happy and popular.

My DD2 is in a class that was also full of tight knit groups - but over time (now in Y2) that's relaxed and with all sorts of shared experiences in and out of school, they all call each other friends. In fact we're about to have a joint birthday party with another Y2 girl and have invited all the girls from their class to come, so nobody is left out. (Fortunately at a party centre and not one of our houses).

I can understand that your DD yearns to have a best friend and feels excluded, but I suspect that she is liked but possibly these girls were friends in nursery, so have a longer history. Over time playing with them 1:1 on play dates or when friends aren't at school will gradually shift to her being a friend.

When she's on her own at play time (which probably isn't all the time - and may only be for a short part of the play time) - suggest that she plays hop scotch or climbs the climbing frame, etc... Give her some ideas about what she can do with herself when she's on her own. My DD started playing hop scotch at these times and now a huge group plays hop scotch with her - and not just girls.

What I will say is that you should use this experience positively. Eventually there may be a new girl in your DD's class - so make a point of having your DD introduce herself to the new girl, before even going into school. It makes such a difference to the new girl - and like my DD did - you may just end up making a great friend.

A cautionary tale - one of my children when at the same age came home from school night after night saying that they were wandering the playground all alone, no-one speaking to them, etc etc, with tears and drama and the whole lot....

So I go marching into school full of ire at these unfriendly classmates..

And the Teacher says " But Mrs W, he is the life and soul, the most popular child in the class, never short of playmates etc etc etc"...

Just saying.....

Can you find out what games they are playing.

Could be something as they are playing a game based on a tv show and if your DD hasn't seen the programme she will not know how to play the game 'right'.

My DD is in year 1 and they seem to play alot of make believe games but as a spin off from something they have seen eg babrie dvd.

I'd like to add that I didn't really have "best friend" at primary. There were times when I'd have quite liked one-like when you had to get a partner and didn't really know who to choose. But most of the time I wasn't bothered. I was generally friendly to most of the girls and there were occasions that I felt left out, but most of the time I think dm was more worried by the lack of best than I was.

Does your school have any social skills groups that could be used to encourage your dd play.

I had this with my dd1 she lost her confidance when it came to asking to play with others at playtime, as unfortunley her year group have had so many children leave and join in the 3yrs she felt that there was no point making friends as they 'just' leave.

much sympathy.

it's really good that you mention over-empathising. So many of us do it - fewer of us recognise it. And even fewer of us manage to overcome it.

my best tip is to see it as a skills thing - ie her skills. she is still learning some things about social skills which is fine. Her teachers will think in this way too so it will help you be on the same wavelength as them.

don't be negative about the other children.

Also don't forget the boys (asuming not all girls school). My dd was miserable at nursery, didn't get on with the cliques and boys didn't exist. In reception she has now buddied up with a little boy and apparently they are inseperable at school, it has given her loads of confidence and she is playing more with the girls again.

Are they allowed to take toys into school? DD took a skipping rope last summer, helped to boost her popularity when she was struggling a bit.

Thanks all, for the very useful and reassuring messages! I will try out what I can- not sure they can take toys in, but I think the hopscotch idea, and teaching her some playground games/ checking if she is missing out on some TV show- related game will work well. She says they play tag a lot which she doesn't like- but I don't imagine all the other children play it...
She came home today and said she'd played with a Yr 2 boy at playtime (she is Yr 1) so that made me feel less worried. She also had a boy (old friend- known since they were babies) round for a play date today and they had a great time. Maybe boys are the way forward..!

My niece (now 9) had this all the way through until she began in year 3 aged 7 and suddenly it clicked. She just seemed able to play by the "rules" and got on fine. She's now got a best friend and a little group she is often with.

It was very difficult. On here I see people reccomend Queen Bees and Wannabes which is apparently full of great tips about helping DDs and their friendships. It will surely level out...they change friendships a lot at this age...next year it will all be different! I certainly saw my own DD go through multiple best friends.

I was worried about my dd not having any friends, she is very similar to your dd. I said to her to play with boys instead. Now she has two best friends who are boys and they always look after her. Yes, I do worry that she hasn't got a best friend who is a girl but that's my problem and not hers, because she is now happy and that's what matters. Try the boys. x

The other thing that my dd1 did loads of in yr was forming clubs. They seemed to just have ideas, went round the class recruiting participants. When I showed her how to make fairy houses with some twigs and moss she had half the class wanting to join her fairy club and spend their lunchtimes collecting twigs! Keep feeding her with ideas for clubs and she might find that she is popular.

I do think boys are less complicated to play with at this age, keep the girl options open, but it sounds as if it is worth working on a few good boy friends too.

Thanks- I like the clubs idea, and I will keep an open mind about girls/ boys.
I think she does need a bit of help with social skills- I have had to tell her to reply when people say hello to her as often she is just silent which comes across as quite rude but really she is just a bit shy. She is trying hard with this now I've explained that people might think she is being unfriendly.
It is good to hear that it does sometimes just 'click' later on, especially if we persist with regular playdates and activities etc..

I was going to start a thread about this, my DS tells me every morning that he hates school becuase the other children don't play with him at playtime. The teachers have said in the past he is fine and he doesn't say it at night, just when we're getting ready to go, so I'm still trying to work out what to amke of it. He is young for his age and his year and I am worrying about him.

Mine is young for her year too.. and alot of the girls she wants to be friends with are a) older and b) have older siblings. I think it must make a difference. Apparently they tell my dd that she is silly when in actual fact she is very mature and one of the most un-silly children I know!! I think though she just doesn't 'get' a lot of what they talk about because as a first child she hasn't been exposed to as much...

yes, there might be some of that with DS, but I bet it's worse in girls. :(
Ds is still so much a baby, I can't bear the thoguht that I might be dropping him off somewhere he hates. But then I wonder whether he's telling the whole truth. I think some of it is that he plays with bigger boys in the breakfast club then wonders why they don't play with him in the playground.

OP my child in in Y1 as well and in the class there are 4 little groups, which have formed naturally. There is one boy who doesn't seem to fit into any of the groups and I think this is mainly because it's a smallish class, possibly just a bit too small for this boy to find someone he really gels with or possibly just unlucky. However, each of the 4 groups will include him whenever he chooses. My DS and his "best friend" were playing a game this morning and happily included this boy who hovers between the groups. This boy is perfectly nice, probably just like your DD, there is no problem with him, he just hasn't found children he really adores. I would personally speak to the school because I think it is unacceptable for a group of year 1 children to exclude someone. There are rules on our classroom wall about this sort of stuff. Perhaps your DD's teacher should have a talk to the whole class about being kind.