Etiquette for Birthday Parties in Reception - gulp

[Eggrules]

Hopefully some of you will have experience of children's parties and can help.

My DS has a class of 22. As there were only 2 kids he didn't specifically add list to invite, we asked them all. There are 5 others coming from nursery so 27 in all (yikes). So far 17 have responded with 2 weeks to go.

The party is in a church hall and space is limited. I was expecting a parent to stay with the child. A mum asked today if she could bring her other child. I was a bit but said I would need to see how the numbers go.

My DS is an only. Question is - will people bring siblings without asking?
Anything else I should be aware of?

DS1 is 6 now, but I was shocked at this too. Times have changed since I was wee - all parties were in the person's house, and u were dropped off there then collected at the end.
It's one thing looking after a load of kids at home, but quite another to do this at soft-play or a church hall. I never "invite" siblings (why should I?) but if someone asks to bring them along, I wouldn't refuse . We also have a 1yo ds, and if he wasn't welcome at the 6yo parties, then ds1 simply couldn't go either, as I work many weekends. However I WOULD ALWAYS ask first. Always.
At ds1's bdays, i take maybe 5 extra party bags, just in case. But if more than 5 siblings turn up, then none of the siblings get a party bag! Tough!
In other words, don't go out your way for "possible" guests or for uninvited guests, cos they shouldn't be there at all! You're being flexible by letting them come along and join in.
The big difficulty is when u host a party in soft play, where u have to pay per child. We almost had to drag one mum to the desk to pay for her other daughter. I totally draw the line at paying £12 for a child who wasn't invited. And I'd never ever expect ds2 to be paid for/catered for at the parties his brother goes to.

I really would not worry - I would only directly cater for the kids who are invited in terms of party bags, food etc. If you know the family you might obviously ask both siblings but thats your choice

I have taken siblings to parties (without asking....usually if DH busy rather than not go to the party) but I see them as my responsibility to deal with not the hosts. I have a 3 year age gap so at this age I would have been taking a 1-2 year old to a party when DD1 was younger and it would be my job to entertain her (away from the main party), feed her etc. Conversely if taking DD2 to a party now and having to take 8 year old DD1 I would again see it as my job to entertain her and feed her (often sitting doing spellings or reading)

Maybe they would have the odd sandwich or biscuit after the main party is finished but thats it

I think if someone sat a sibling down to be fed at a party they weren't invited to I would be rather shocked!!!

In terms of drop offs - round here is starts to change to parents leaving their kids about reception / year 1 - in these early days of reception when they are not quite sure of each other I would just ask the parent for a tel no to contact them on if there are problems

HTH

I'm not a single parent but often have no choice than to take all 3 of my children as my dh works long hours and almost everyday due to workload, and also occasionally works away too. My children are aged 17m, 5y and 6y.

I never expect my other children to be paid for.
Never expect them to receive a party bag/balloon etc.
If it's soft play I will pay for the other to play for 2 hours and purchase them a meal separately so they are not eating the party food.

This causes arguments between my children if they're not invited as obviously they want a party bag etc but I would rather make sure that my children aren't missing out because singleton parents didn't allow them to go. (Not trying to single you out it's just in my experience it's the parent's of only children that have issues with siblings). I would rather deal with the children's bickering than them holding resentment against me for not allowing them to go to classmates parties.

I'm lucky that most of us 'school mums' get on well and I have only had one issue (with an only child parent) who later had 2 more children and became faced with the same choice I currently have - no parties at all or all siblings attend.

We had 18 kids- 17 4/5 year olds and my DD (2) at DS reception party. NO parents stayed (!!!). There was me, my DH and a friend helping. Some parents did ask if I needed them and I said no. THe party went well, but if I did it again I would have more adult helpers- would have asked them in advance. It was more for taking them to toilets (not in main body of hall) and getting the lunch sorted rather than anything else. Generally round here parents don't stay for Reception, although it does depend on child. Also, we didn't have an entertainer, we were it. If I did it again I probably would get an entertainer as money well spent.. (we spent a lot in other ways including time!).

No siblings stayed, and I wouldn't expect them without a parent and probably being asked.

I think that the culture probably does vary from class to class. In dd1's class of 30, 22 were younger siblings, and I think their viewpoint does vary from first borns. Most of them wanted to go on their own, as it is seen as a right of passage, so then my dd1 didn't want me to be the only one hanging around. For dd2 she wants to do things like her sister does, fortunately her first 'drop off' is just round the corner with someone she has know since she was 1; and I know I can be there quickly if needed. Don't forget they are used to being all together in class with only a few teachers. Don't necessarily expect parents to help with party, in my experience they often just sit in the corner chatting, if you want them to participate in the show you will need to shepherd them over! One other tip, for when he goes on his own to parties, most people don't keep contacts, when I drop off I bring a note of our numbers. Oh also bring sticky labels with guests names on to label them as you prob don't know everyone's name yet, especially helpful if you have children being dropped off. I am sure you will have lots of fun.

Sorry phone accidentally posted again!

My DD's are now 6 and 8 and have had parties every year. Many parent's seem to think they don't have to RSVP. Or say they are coming and then don't turn up. A lot of our parties we have had at a soft play where you have to let them know the day before the numbers coming. The money I have wasted paying for kids who don't turn up.

There is also a parent whose children are in my DD's classes. She thinks it is fine to bring her three children to any party. I would never have the bare faced cheek to just turn up without checking first. In the five years I have known this family she brings all three to every party. Her excuse is that her DH is working but I think she doesn't like the other two to miss out. This parent has never had a party for any of her children.

I usually try to give the others a party bag and any food left but I won't pay extra for siblings as I have been taken for a mug before. One parent asked me to pay for her two children and she would pay me back. She never did and I was £20 out of pocket.

It always makes me smile that it's the same parents year on year that fail to rsvp but when it is their party they are moaning about people not rsvping.

In this case there will be a charge for addition uninvited children. The child in question looks miles older than my DS. I think the mum in question doesn't want him to be left out and is seeming to expect them to be treated as if they had been invited. The question was kind of like 'can x, y's sibling come along to the party too?' rather than 'I need to bring x with me, is that ok?'.

cherrypie3 the fact is my DS is and always will be a singleton and so the dynamics of our family meant that I hadn't considered another perspective. 'Resentment against me for not allowing them to go to classmates parties' is not something I need to deal with thank goodness. I think the consensus here is that additional siblings will attend and that it is ok to expect the adult in charge to stay and take care of them - that is fine with me.

I am one of 4 children and my siblings NEVER came to a party that I was invited to - as I said before, this included my twin. We have invited the whole class so that nobody my DS attends school with is left out. Local soft play areas hold a maximum of 20 and so we changed the venue to accommodate 30ish children - if everyone brings a sibling there won't be room. Hypothetically, had I restricted the numbers and invited fewer classmates, the additional (older) siblings could be taking the place of child my DS knows.

Also if people say they are 'dropping off' I say that is up to them but there aren't any helpers.

This has been very helpful. &

I am a single parent so often have to bring a sibling to a party but would never expect them to be fed or get a party bag. Would bring snacks and stuff to entertain (colouring book/ds or whatever).

Parents still stay at parties in Year 3 here and there are usually a fair amount of siblings there.

Good luck x

At the DSs school parents all say in reception and younger siblings are generally expected to be brought along too. Older siblings tend not to be brought unless invited. I always do extra bags just in case!!

In my experience of parties to date, at least one grown up has stayed. There have been 3 parties of classmates so far and that has always been the case. I arranged the party with so many children based on that.

My DH and I are on our own and there isn't any additional support. I will of course do my best but there is a lot to do. This will give the parent a choice to stay; ask another parent to keep an eye on their child or leave their LO.

We had a max number of 30 last year, so I specifically asked for no siblings. A couple of mums brought siblings still and I very embarrassingly had to turn them away.
This year, I'm going to write it on the invite and also text people.

Most of our parties in reception last year were drop off, some of the parents stayed if the children were especially clingy. But usually they're fine.
Have fun!

This isn't always practical but in order to deal with the non-RSVPers, most mums in DD's class have taken to not giving all the information on the invitation, so that the only way to find out where the party is or when it starts is to get in touch.

Where I live parents never stay at parties for 5 year olds plus, I really don't understand how children with younger siblings ever get to go to parties if parents are expected to stay AND siblings are not allowed! But the trend for huge parties with more than 8 or 10 children has thankfully not caught on here either, and parties at home with one guest for each year of the child's age is traditional :) . Much nicer IMO :)

Parents obviously shouldn't expect food or entertainment or party bags for trailing siblings though, but if you expect parents to stay you really surely can't expect no siblings just because your child has no siblings...

Eggrules that is not on though : In this case there will be a charge for addition uninvited children. The child in question looks miles older than my DS. I think the mum in question doesn't want him to be left out and is seeming to expect them to be treated as if they had been invited. The question was kind of like 'can x, y's sibling come along to the party too?' rather than 'I need to bring x with me, is that ok?'.

I have had that happen too - and as a drop off!! DD (reluctantly) invited neighbor's 6 yo to her 6th birthday party - was a cinema trip. 6 yo's mpother behaved oddly about it and it seemed either the mum or girl was worried about her going to the cinema without mum, or possibly the day was inconvienient, anway she was the only invitee who didn't come. However ds's 4th birthday is the following day and he was having a little party at home with his 4 best friends - all 4 yo boys and one of them the 6 yo's little brother, parents optional but I knew non would stay, they all live within walking distance. His mum anounced "Yes, K can come to E's party, obviously I will drop him off, and A will come too as she misses out on your dd's party" erm - wtf!

Yes people will bring siblings. If parents can't get childcare and you are expecting parents to stay, what are you expecting the siblings to do? Otherwise the invited child would have to decline. Bear in mind that sometimes childcare falls through at the last minute.

If I was a mum wouldn't expect you to cater for siblings (as with others I would bring my own food) or provide party bags.

Perhaps the answer is to welcome those who want to stay, but operate an emergency contact list in a really obvious location for those who need to go.

If you have the time I would be tempted to try and make contact with as many of the non replies as possible. That's a really wide variation in the number of children to cater for.

I sometimes have no choice but to take DS to a party for DD, if it is the sort where I anticipate other parents staying as am a single parent. If it is at a soft play place I pay the charge for DS and don't expect him to be included in the party at all (although at one party he and a few other siblings were given some left over food ).

At a party where there is no extra charge ie in a hall he has had to come along and keep himself busy there but not be part of the party. This included doing homework once (not sure DS appreciated this but at least it got done :))

Parties at people's houses have children being dropped off (DD is 6 and in Year 1) but ones in larger places generally seem to have an adult staying but more to chat with other parents. DS is 8 and no one has stayed at parties from last year ie Year 2 so soon it should stop for DD as well.

ASuitableGirl you raise a good point in that the party is in a hall and so maybe people think:
a) there is loads if room (not really)
b) there is no additional cost
The entertainer charges for extra children and so I may need to pay for siblings.

For those in the pro siblings camp I do now see your point. I was expecting parents to stay and to make alternative childcare arrangements for siblings. I can now see this was unreasonable - in my defence this is the first proper children's party I have organised. Things are very different from when I was little and there are a number of opposing views - tis a minefield.

5more minute wtactualf?

DD's party is tomorrow - eek - she is in Reception, there are 27 in the class. She has invited 11 from her class, 4 from elsewhere. My rule is 'if its more than half the class, you have to invite them all' - thankfully that has'nt happened yet!

Most parents want to drop off, but I gave them all the option - apart from two of my closest Mum friends who are under strict orders to stay and help

The only siblings invited are older sisters who are in dd1's class at the same school - and one other whose mother is dogsitting for us for the duration. But, we are having the party at home - there really isn't more space, and everyone knows that.

Prepare for chaos, OP, thats the only certainty

Did you invite the whole class minor 2 children.

I have 3 and tend to drop and ask a friend to keep an eye on my child.

In reception I would ask a friend to take dd, I wouldn't turn up with 2 extra guests unless told in advance it would be ok.

Bohica have invited the whole class and 5 others. I didn't think things through first. There were only 2 kids that he didn't put on the list but I couldn't leave them out.

Elibean I would have liked fewer but DS couldn't pick/kept changing his mind. I have invited two siblings but they come to play and my DS considers them his friends. I would love to hear how it went.

I am going to draft a childless teacher friend to help.

Eggrules I know you have very reasonably said you now see the other side of the siblings/ no siblings argument, but just to add to the point - can you imagine the cost of a child going to a party for children with no handy family and dad working at the time of the party - mum would end up paying for birthday present (normal) plus babysitter. If most of the children in a school year have whole class parties how much would that add up to in a school year!

That is obviously not your problem, but the flip side is that your child could end up with only the other only children at his party, which might mean his best friends are not there!

I do prefer smaller parties as nobody is friends with their whole school class, nor tbh with over half their school class - if a limit of 6-10 children is set the child will only invite those they actually play with! :) This way the party means far more IMO - I must say here it is very unusual for a child to be invited to a party and not go, and I have re-arranged other commitments so that my kids can go to parties, knowing that often only 4 or 5 children have been invited so it is a mark of friendship. (I persuaded my dd to invite neighbour girl mentioned above to hers and let her have one extra invitee to do it as she had been to the other girl's party and they live right next door so it definitely would have been taken personally if she hadn't invited her, this obviously didn't means he could come to DS's party instead!) If the whole class is invited, the invite is (IMO) meaningless...