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Original poster

DC parents ignored my note – WWYD?

95 replies

LondonSuperTrooper · 04/11/2011 10:34

My DC is friendly with a little boy (let?s call him X) in his reception class. At the open evening his teacher tells me that they play beautifully together & my DS is always coming home talking about X. X attends after school club everyday and to date I don?t know who his parents are.

Just before half term I put a note in his bag asking his parents to get in touch if they are interested in getting the two boys together for a play date over the holidays. They didn?t get in touch and haven?t even acknowledged my note. I think that is extremely rude and I am annoyed about it.

As a treat, I have bought theatre tickets for my DS and some of his friends. I asked him who he wanted to invite from school and straight away he mentioned X. Also, DS keeps asking me to invite this X over for tea (we haven?t started play dates yet).

My DS is a late summer born & is an only child. I?d love him to have friends over for tea & increase his social skills as he?s really shy.

But, what should I do? I?d loathe writing another note and having it ignored again. Or should I write another note regardless? After all, my feeling aside, it seems my DS really enjoys playing with X.

Looking forward to all your thoughts!

OP posts:
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cjbartlett · 04/11/2011 14:10

Was the op wanting the mum to go round as well then? Or did zookeeper and cat64 misunderstand?

Original poster
LondonSuperTrooper · 04/11/2011 14:10

Sorry for the typo errors in my post to cat64!

OP posts:
cat64 · 04/11/2011 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
LondonSuperTrooper · 04/11/2011 14:15

I was wanting to meet the mum (whom I have never met) to meet me & my son. And also for the two boy to play together sometime I was not specific in my note. I guess I was wanting her to meet me & my DS so that we can invite X over & to make future playdates (or lack of!) easier.

OP posts:
Yellowstone · 04/11/2011 14:21

Most likely the note didn't get through. If it did, it may be the idea of the mums getting together which put the mum off. I personally can't see anything wrong with inviting a small child over to play without having met the parents. Surely a phone conversation is enough?

I'd ask the school if they could ask the mum if she'd mind you having her home landline number. It would be very unusual for a parent not to agree (even if their details aren't on the contact list). Then I'd give her a ring. If you don't want the child over to your house at the moment, why not offer to take the two boys somewhere on your own? That avoids the possible disincentive of the other mum having to give up her time.

suburbandream · 04/11/2011 14:21

LondonSuperTrooper - I would write another note if I were you, the "pupil post" is very unreliable! I remember going into DS1's class when he was in year 1 because he'd forgotten his reading book, and in his tray I found about 5 christmas cards he hadn't opened let alone brought home and two party invitations! Obviously he'd missed the parties and I hadn't had the notes so hadn't replied to the invites - felt really Blush that the parents must have thought I was very rude! As someone else said, maybe the mum has replied but you haven't got the reply.

On the other hand .... I'm also a class rep and it is like trying to get blood from a stone sometimes getting parents to reply to emails or even to give their contact details in the first place. I guess some people just don't want to be bothered.

Yellowstone · 04/11/2011 14:22

Cross-posted with lots of posts!

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 04/11/2011 14:24

I missed the fact that you wanted to meet his mother - my fault for not reading the posts properly.

I have 3 DCs and the youngest is 4.5 - I wouldn't expect to be 'summoned' (obv. you're not doing that, but it would feel like that to me!!) to another woman's house in order that the 2 children could play together at future play dates (a term which makes my teeth ache Grin). I work 4 days a week, have a very busy non-working life and very little free time, so I'd not really want to spend it at a strangers house tbh.

Original poster
LondonSuperTrooper · 04/11/2011 14:32

No I did not invite her to my house. The note was vague and complimentary about X. I asked her if she was interested in getting the two boys together sometime. Not where, when etc. And that if she was interested to get in touch via e-mail or mobile number.

OK, I didn't realise or even think of 'pupil post'.

yellowstone I concede to the fact that I am odd. I would never allow for my DS to attend a playdate if I didn't know who the child's parent are. I think for the time being I will just leave it & see whether X attends next week's birthday party. If not, then getting a number from school office is a good idea. I think that I will struggle with this though..... believe it or not I am shy and am already dreading the phone call to a stranger asking please may X play with DS!

suburbandream Gosh how embarrassing about the party invites!!

OP posts:
Yellowstone · 04/11/2011 14:34

I don't sruggle with the concept OP; I've been only too happy to have my kids go to other houses without my having met the parents, though I'd tend to have a conversation on the phone first, if the child was still little.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 04/11/2011 14:36

OP, my use of the word 'self-righteous' relates to your aggrieved stance - to paraphrase "I sent a note before half term and they haven't acknowledged it, how rude." By my reckoning we are still in the first week after half-term, they may have been away, easily can take me a week or more to respond to something, and if you were to interpret that as me being rude we wouldnt have much of a friendship potential.

You just need to think of others and what might be going on in their lives before jumping to being rude about them.

fluffystabby · 04/11/2011 14:38

I have to say a few things.

Firstly Blush I am, was, and always will be, shite at checking school bags. I have a calendar and it's easier now the kids are older - if it isn't on the calendar it doesn't exist as far as I'm concerned. More than once I've been the mother phoning the night before the birthday party to say yes DD would love to come and frantically running to the shops.

Secondly you invited them over half term. That's difficult if both parent's are working and since the wee boy is in after school club until 5.30 or so. And if both of them are working, half term is a nightmare to organise childcare - if I'd got a note like that I might have filed it under "must ring this woman sometime" and then with work, and other kids, and life I could conceivably have forgotten all about it Blush again

Plus, if his mother (? why not father - you say it's a shame his mother is so busy - judgey much?) is working full time and the wee boy is not collected until 5.30, when exactly do you expect her to meet you for a cozy afternoon of soft play or whatever?

I wouldn't be "extremely annoyed" though.

Also, the fact that the parent's haven't put their contact details on the school-issued contact list might suggest (for whatever reason) that they don't welcome contact from parents at the school.

suburbandream · 04/11/2011 14:40

London Super Trooper - I don't think it's at all odd to want to meet the mum or at least have a chat on the phone, I wouldn't want my DCs to go to someone's house if I didn't know them, and I would definitely want to introduce myself to the parent(s) of their friends before they came to mine.

Yellowstone · 04/11/2011 14:40

Struggle not sruggle.

I didn't mean odd.

I suppose I'd always know of the parents when mine were that age even if I hadn't met them myself. I can see that if you're new to the area you might not.

jackiejones · 04/11/2011 14:41

fluffy thats a good point about the contact list actually miserable feckers

fluffystabby · 04/11/2011 14:42

Reason for saying that, jackie is that we have children at DD's school whose parent is a police officer and their details are never given out (obviously at the parent's request)

jackiejones · 04/11/2011 14:43

Ahh yes thats a good point. Must go school run.

ragged · 04/11/2011 14:48

I would just not want to spend my precious free time with another woman I didn't know. I would find it very difficult to say no without sounding unfriendly

As much as the school gate can be a viper's den & warren of daft rumours, banal chat and conniving ridiculous gossip, it is quite good to get to know some or even many other parents in your child's year group. For at least a dozen reasons I could list. Even if you have to grit your teeth & make banal small talk a few times.

I've had the ignored note experience, OP, as well as a current DS who has a best beloved friend whose parents are pointedly unfriendly (ouch) & brush off invites or attempts to chat. I suppose in your shoes I'd try one more note but then leave it if no further response. It is gut-wrenching, but not productive to chase hard, ime.

SecretSquirrels · 04/11/2011 14:49

Probably the other child has siblings and the mum doesn't feel the need for a meet up with you. They are school age after all, it wouldn't be usual for the mums to get together unless they happened to be friends i would have thought?

fluffystabby · 04/11/2011 14:50

Can I ask a question (sorry if this offends) but if you don't know the parent's very well and have never even met them, do you even know there is a mum on the scene?

becstarsky · 04/11/2011 14:56

Perhaps, being new to the area, and having a DC who isn't so socially confident you're pushing too hard.

Possibilities are:-

  • the note got lost
or
  • they knew they wouldn't be able to arrange a playdate due to their schedule, intended to tell you that but note got put on one side
or
  • they do not allow their child to have playdates yet/ever and don't want to explain that decision to a stranger. eg One of my DSs best friends at school comes from a strict Muslim family and he isn't allowed to play at our house because we are not Muslim. I didn't understand why his mum didn't reply to invitations until another (less strict) Muslim friend explained to me that that particular family wouldn't want their son to come to our home. I also know some people who are in Opus Dei and don't let their children go to non-Catholic houses.... Those are unusual examples, but there are some people - religious and not - who don't let their kids have playdates for all kinds of reasons.
or
  • their child gets loads of requests for playdates and they are fielding them left right and centre with limited family time to put the playdates in, and they didn't manage to organise one with you.

The above explanations are not personal at all. And I don't think a bookbag note is like an RSVP invitation. Just chat to them at the party if you see them. If you don't see them or they are reluctant to chat that's another hint that you shouldn't push too hard. But look on the bright side - your DS has made a good friend at school whether this friend comes over to play or not! That means he IS settling in! So instead of being cross think 'Yay, my son has a friend!'

Original poster
LondonSuperTrooper · 29/11/2011 09:39

Hi all,

Thanks for all those that have responded. Just wanted to give you an update.....

I was not able to chat to the parents at the party as they didn't come.

After 4 notes, (2 of which they definitely received via the school office) I have admitted defeat that they are not interested in playdates etc and I'm focusing my energies elsewhere.

Thanks for all of your help and advice :)

OP posts:
DeWe · 29/11/2011 10:35

4 notes Shock They're probably in hiding. Wink

Original poster
LondonSuperTrooper · 29/11/2011 10:47

I know, tell me about it!

Spoke to the reception teacher about it yesterday and she said that she's never met his parents..... he always gets dropped off & picked up by a childminder. This upset me hugley :(

OP posts:
lingle · 29/11/2011 11:57

I've had a similar experience. We did break-through in the end and it was worth it as my son is also very shy and besotted with his best friend. Turned out the mum had mental health issues and low self-esteem. replying to a note like yours was to her like climbing a mountain.
presumably at some point your ds may need to go to after-school club as a one-off? at pick-up that day you could bounce up to the child-minder, say hello and say how much they like playing together. Then back off and wait for the next opportunity.