play dates, do you reciprocate?

[fufflebum]

DC1 had an invite for tea last week, came home and was very down beat about it. I am not tempted to reciprocate as my DC does not seem bothered and has not mentioned it since.

I am aware however that said childs mum is miffed as she invites and expects reciprocation. Personally if my Dc asked for this child to come home to play I would be happy for them too but DC is not bothered so I think that it is ok not too.

Just wondered what others opinions are on this.

Why don't you do a more neutral reciprocation, such as, meeting in the park for a hour after school, then you can observe how well they play together. Personally I tend to think it is only polite to reciprocate, but at the same time if the children don't really get on there isn't much point. It is also a possibility that the other child is a less sociable type and the mum is trying to help him/her make friends, so I would try for some kind of return invitation, just to gauge the situation.

How old is your DC1? I'd just mention that it might be nice to ask x to tea as he went there and what does he think?

If he/she doesn't want to, then just thanks x's mum and say your dc might like to return invite soon and you'll let her know.

She'll forget about it soon. It's possible that the other child isn't that bothered either.

I think if you are happy enough to accept an invite then it's rude not to reciprocate. Children need to learn that if you take you give back, and they also need to learn that not all situations are ideal all the time, socially. We must learn to be pleasant to people who are not our first choice of company.
Invite back. Maybe the second playdate will go better on home ground.

I never, ever, had the opportunity. We have always invited first.

In my experience, most other people never reciprocate, even if their child has been round to mine many times, although some (especially mothers of boys) are extremely scrupulous about it. So most people seem to think like you, OP, regardless of whether you might read differently on MN.

I always reciprocate, but then never have been in position where my DC definintely hasn't wanted to. Depends a bit on what down-beat means - were they upset by the other child, or didn't play nicely together, got told off for something, or were just bored? I'd probably invite back anyway, unless the other child had been pretty mean, because sometimes the dynamic is different in other surroundings. Then you can see how they play together and if its a disaster, then there's no need to do it again. That said, I wouldn't be miffed if my DC wasn't invited back less than a week after the original playdate?!

ragged yy, this is our experience and it is rude imo. Dd is an only child so it's important for her to have friends, but their parents are seemingly devoid of basic social skills.

Good manners would dictate a return invitation to yours. Especially as you'll get bad mouthed by the other mother and you dc will become a social outcast and never receive another invitation from anyone.

I kid you not.

I agree, it would be rude not to reciporate or mention the playdate in any way. A neutral play in the park is a good idea because you can see what is going on. But if your DC doesn't want to I think you should ask whether they have fallen out or aren't getting on so well at the moment as your DC isn't keen on a date right now. I assume your DC is quite young, so they might want to play again in a couple of months time.

I must agree, with parents' aparent lack of social skills outside their normal circle of friends. My DS has a friend who has been round to ours but DS was not invited back. Mum seemed very friendly at first, then ignored me for several months (more or less the same time as our DS's didn't get on) now she seems to greet again (DS's get on at the moment). I would have thought adults could be more mature!

reciprocate

it's the LAW

we have had several kids over whose parents have not reciprocated - was initially a bit annoyed but tbh if the kids don't get on, what's the point? otoh, it is annoying when the kids are friends, but you are not friends with the parents, who then don't bother inviting yours back.

I don't reciprocate as I work full time.

We've also had 4 different kids over in the last 6 months (whose mums I normally only say hello to) & none of them have ever invited back. It doesn't upset me but my dcs have been a bit disappointed. I certainly wouldn't expect an invite back the following week or anything, but if they do get on in general, & the shoe was on the other foot, I'd have invited back within the same half term.

I don't particularly enjoy having other DCs round, but if DS is friends with someone I want him to be able to inivte his friends. I don't think I necessarily have to be best friends with the parents, as long as I think they are half-way decent people.

Ask your DS if he would like to have X back. Unless he is adamant that he does not want to have X to play, I would invite back out of politeness. Think it is a bit off for X's mother to be miffed at not getting an invite back already though! I usually reciprocate invites but my DC are 7 and 9 so it is far more them/their friends asking if someone can come for tea/etc and me/friend's parents sorting a time/date rather than the second guessing you tend to do with smaller children where you have more responsibility for helping their friendships along.

I always reciprocate. If my DS wasn't keen on the other child then I wouldn't accept the invitation in the first place, but once you have then it is basic manners to ask the child back to yours.
obviously this is how it works when they are small and you are organising their social life, a few later they will accept and turn down invitations themselves and hopefully will have learned the etiquette from you!

Yes, but if DC doesn't get on/like the other child and doesn't went to play with them again? Then I think you should say, diplomatically, and not make your DC play with children he doesn't want to play with.

ALWAYS reciprocate

but then when it comes to being invited again - if you are - it is your prerogative to refuse and politely end the contact at that point - but only polite to reciprocate first

Yes, I can see that is a way of doing it.

sorry if my reply seemed a bit strong gabid wasn't replying to you specifically - just generally to whole thread!

don't think it is too terrible a thing for a child to have to endure a play date with someone they don't like that much - important life lesson for when they are older and it's only a couple of hours.

I do personally like to reciprocate but having said that, I don't get too wound up about non-reciprocation either. Most people are v. good and do what they can. I have an only child and only work p/t so it is much easier for me than for a family with multiple siblings and/or a mother who works long hours.

Thanks for replies.

In reply to everyone we have had other children over and they have never reciprocated (children Dc has asked to have over and who are best friends). IMO I am not worried by the lack of reciprocation as TBH everyones situation is different but am interested that it appears it is expected.

However, it appears by the down beat response of DC and the way my DC talks about the other person (saying they are rude in class) I wonder if it seems a bit silly to reciprocate just because it is expected. Surely you would not go on a second date if the first was not too good?

I like the suggestions of neutral ground, a park of something, that may work on this occasion. However that said when we saw them in the park prior to the aforementioned play date a few days before my children made no attempt to play with the other DC and sibling!

I am just working my way through a few reciprocal play dates, ds was born just after dd1 started school, and I have found it tough keeping up with keeping house tidy and we do quite a few after school activities. Am managing better now. I tend to invite her specific friends as a priority over someone who randomly invited dd1; but that she never mentions playing with. And some friends are nicer than others and get invited more!

I think it's polite to reciprocate but then to be busy if ever asked again!!!

How old are the children?

There is one boy who is a friend of my DS who I've decided only to invite to play it can be outside. Far too stressful in the house!!!!!! (broken toys/upset DS etc). Think this friendship may be waning anyway- and it's their turn so perhaps DS will be too busy..... (not sure an invite is coming anyway..)

Also, want to ask (but not hijack thread!)- at what age do those of you who are keen playdaters start them. DS is only Reception and so far we have stuck to those we've known from before and not much of that... haven't been proactive at all in asking him if he'd like to invite someone round- wondering if keen Mummies/children start right from Reception or does it kick in a bit later generally?