play dates, do you reciprocate?

[fufflebum]

DC1 had an invite for tea last week, came home and was very down beat about it. I am not tempted to reciprocate as my DC does not seem bothered and has not mentioned it since.

I am aware however that said childs mum is miffed as she invites and expects reciprocation. Personally if my Dc asked for this child to come home to play I would be happy for them too but DC is not bothered so I think that it is ok not too.

Just wondered what others opinions are on this.

We probably invite friends here than DD goes to overall. Most likely because DD is an only child to start with so we are more likely to have other children over than those with siblings. I wouldn't expect DD to always have to have a reciprocal invite. She does go to friends houses a fair bit, but as said before I reckon we have children over here more.

Started from recpetion. DD is now in Y5.

Reciprocate yes. I accept for F/T working mums it can be hard but there must be the odd Saturday afternoon or in school hols.

Didn't really get going until yr1 as DS was just too tired in reception to have people round/ go anywhere.

I feel a bit guilty that I haven't reciprocated the couple of playdates that my dd has had. I just find it tricky having a small house and no garden, I have suggested meeting at soft play etc instead but people are not always so interested.

Totally agree cat64.

People keep count?!

Blimey I am too busy to work out who has and hasn't been around for tea. Over time it all evens itself out doesn't it?

With 3 kids it is hard to keep track. plus there is only one night a week when we are in after school. Plus I refuse to have more than one friend over at a time after several 'incidents' when mulitple friends were invited.

So my DC are on a 3 week rota of having guests around and even then we don't have a friend around every week.

But in the OP position I think I would just invite the child around if you are yet to establish the pecking order of mothers in the playground eg/ if your child is in Reception!

I don't always reciprocate if dcs have no enthusiasm. It's ahrd to know how well it will work out until you try it - and I don't intend to keep going if it doesn't work out. I don't expect reciprocation either - but in that case, I don't keep inviting said dc unless dd is very keen or I know there is some reason making reciprocation awkward.

In this case, I might reciprocate once (probably not) and if ds is not keen, don't accept further invites.

Our most successful yr2 playdate so far was when one of her friends came with us to take dd2 to ballet! Went along to charity shop and bought two cheap books each, then chose 15p pick + mix at sweet shop, and all home for tea. Dd1 friend still raving about it, not sure she will want a normal play date again! House wasn't as trashed either. One child's wait for little sister is another child's exciting trip (I had cleared it all with child's mother). Then again if you don't want to encourage it maybe make it really boring!

I always invite back for tea but I'm astounded how many people don't ask mine back after they have been to ours first.

In your situation, I would still invite back but put the ball in the court of the other parents by being vague with the first invitation. I would say something along the lines of " Thank you for letting X come round, Y must come around to ours soon for tea" and then gauge the response of the other parent. Their child might be equally reluctant to play with X again, despite the mum being miffed about lack of reciprocation.

I don't always reciprocate for one thing due to various activities play dates are restricted to Fridays so there is always a bit of a wait.
DD has two friends who's parents have said openly they prefer their DD's to have friends round rather than have their DD's visit other people.
I have had their DD's here but not at the same frequency as DD goes to there houses IYSWIM.
DS1 has a friend who's mother pestered for two years for DS to go their house, he eventually went under duress but didn't want to have the friend back, and I said he didn't have to and we arranged to meet up together instead.
We have been in the middle of a messy house renovation since March so I have made it clear to parents that it hasn't been suitable for friends to come here and they were all fine. We have arranged to do other things instead.

I always reciprocate but then I'm at home so not as tricky as working f/t. Though if you work f/t how on earth do your DCs get to and from a playdate? I mean sometimes my DCs are invited for an hours play after school so I pick them up at 5pm. But if you're working that must be just as difficult. Unless all your playdates run until 6pm? Most of the mums at school who work f/t take some time off during school hols and we tend to get invited then so I suppose they must keep a record.

But to be honest I don't do it for the DCs to get invited back, I do it so they can spend time with friends outside of school. I have also, often invited children for half a day during school hols when I know their parents are working simply because I know it helps some mums if they can drop their child here at 12pm and pick them up at 6pm. Why not help if I can? Plus my kids are so much easier when they have a friend here and they're not fighting with each other so it's win-win really!

Blimey I am too busy to work out who has and hasn't been around for tea. Over time it all evens itself out doesn't it?

No, it doesn't, at least not so far, and it's easy to notice when there are almost never any invites back. I think I'm beyond caring but I'm still a bit surprised about the lack of recprication (sp?). Not least because some people are so conscientious about recpricating. Also, I always invite first. Which makes me feel very self-conscious, I'm getting less confident with more practice. (Makes umpteenth-millionth note to self to grow a thicker skin.)

With older DC they pretty much ran their own social lives from about 8-9yo, so I'm pretty fuzzy about the balance of invites/hosting from that age.

All those who just don't bother to reciprocate obviously have socially confident children. If they had a child who was having difficulty establishing friendships at school and were making an effort to help their child by giving their child a chance to have a few 1-1 situations with children the child has expressed some liking for, it would be quite difficult to bear watching child after child come home, play with their child, have everything seem to go OK and then get no return invite and no explanation. If there isn't a great problem with the child in question trying to be friends with your own child, it is far better manners either to reciprocate, or explain that whilst you would love to be able to invite the child back, your work/current situation makes it difficult (ie it is not the other child's generaly unlikeableness that is the problem). The third option - neither bothering to invite back nor explain why you can't, is, in my opinion, saying loud and clear that your child is not particularly liked by the other child - either that or the parent concerned has no manners. I can't see any other reason why you wouldn't explain a lack of a return invite.

Or rather, neither bothering to invite back nor explain why you can't is as good as saying that their child is not particularly liked by yours - either that or you have no manners. There is no nice way to interpret someone not returning an invite and not bothering to explain why, just two depressing ways.

ps if the reason you are not reciprocating is that your child doesn't like the other one, then it probably is better just not to reciprocate, because it is a very effective way of making the other parent think that may be the case whilst giving them the comfort that it might be that you are rude but their child still has a chance to establish a friendship. If they are the optimistic type and think the latter, you'll find your child being invited back for an unwanted playdate again.

cat64 - did you not read my comments? All I said was that an explanation was required. How much effort would it take for you to explain to the other child's parents that you have reasons for not being able to invite their child back? Clearly you have the time to do it on here...

Yes, it makes sense to me. But it also makes sense to me that someone whose child is having difficulties making friends at school is going to be a bit sensitive about it and I would therefore always be sensitive about that possibility myself. It never hurts to explain why what I would view as a generous act of hospitality is not going to be returned. Better than hurt someone's feelings because you never bothered to think about it from their perspective/never realised there was another perspective.

No, of course by my way of thinking the other child can still be invited to mine - because I understand it will always have to be a one-way thing. Because I either know the person well enough to know their situation or they've had the manners to explain it to me.

I promise you you wouldn't think it was over-complicating it if your child was never invited to anyone else's house, yet you frequently invited children over to yours. Particularly if you were worried your child might have aspergers, for example, or was simply very, very unhappy at school and spent their school playtimes alone because they didn't have the social confidence to approach other children. I promise you, then, you wouldn't think it over-complicated. You would then start to feel a little bit desperate that there didn't seem to be any easy way to help your child.

I think maybe you have had a very sheltered life and never had difficulty establishing your own friendships or had children who had difficulty establishing friendships. I certainly didn't have problems when I was a child, but I have had a child who had difficulties and it would have been lovely to know that the 100% unreciprocated invites when he was younger were not personal. Of course, now that he has genuine friendships, I don't worry, but I'm not so self-centred as to think that other people over-complicate things if they don't fit in with my cosy view of the world.

Oh, and it would have been lovely when I was a child to be able to go around and knock on someone else's door, but I lived in a tiny village where I happened to be the youngest person and my siblings the next youngest. I'm pleased other people made a bit more effort than only ever bothering to have friends over if they happened to live close enough to knock on their doors, or only bothering when there wasn't anything better going on nearby. It was very nice knowing I had friends whom I meant enough to that they would make a bit of an effort to see me outside of school from time to time, rather than seeing that as over-complicated and inconvenient.

Following on from my childhood, I actively chose to live in an area where my children could have friends living nearby and pop round to their houses when they felt like it. But not everyone has that luxury. Of course, you could say that some people are just too complicated to bother with and have done with it.

Those of you used to no Invites Back, do you find that you have to carefully plan ahead when you do host a playdate, reading your child The Riot Act that an invite to yours does not mean anything at all about invites back? Coming down very heavy with that message? And does it work, anyway? Coz I don't think I say the right things. If anyone knows what words work to make a child feel satisfied about lack of reciprocity, let me know!

I have had no end of trouble with this and it's put me off inviting again, tbh. DD literally begging me to ask mum of X/Y/Z when she could go to X/Y/Z's house (after X/Y/Z had been 'round). Not just nagging me once, but repeatedly whining about it, until I ended up angry shouting at her, and she still nagged after that too, when she thought I'd calmed down :(. Or 5yo DS memorising a phone number for a guest he'd had, and ringing them repeatedly to ask to be invited around. Even after he'd asked me if he could ring & I said no, but we realised from the phone bill that he rang anyway . I mean, it's REALLY a pain with young children (under 8ish I guess).

Oh, and to Rabbitstew, sorry to hear this issue such a sore point (though I do know how you feel).