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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Having a word with teacher re: tricky subject

99 replies

montrealmum · 05/10/2011 17:24

Looking for some advice about how to have a tricky conversation with a teacher...

My son is a young Year Two (just turned six at the end of the summer) and I am a little concerned about his current Year Two teacher's attitude towards discipline.

He comes home just about every day reporting he has lost Golden Time or been shouted out for a range of seemingly minor infractions, such as reading the wrong book or wriggling in his seat.

While I have no problem with the teacher enforcing rules, it concerns me that he didn't seem to have any behaviour issues with his previous teacher and I don't want his experience with Year Two to get off to such a negative start.

Also, I have a friend who used to be a T.A. in this class last year, and she has reported that this teacher shouts at the children a lot.

Can anyone recommend a way of approaching the topic with her that is to the point, but not offensive or accusatory - I don't want to make things worse by alienating her, but I don't think constantly shouting at six year old boys for minor, and let's face it, entirely age-appropriate misdoings is the best behaviour management technique.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:

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Set a reminder

WoodBetweenTheWorlds · 05/10/2011 21:42

But surely when you moan to friends about colleagues you don't actually name them? Fine to have a little whinge but not acceptable to make people recognisable.

Original poster

montrealmum · 05/10/2011 21:51

Good advice mercibucket. I am a bit worried that going to the head before speaking to the teacher herself might seem a bit backstabby though.

I did hear she was a bit shouty, and while DS isn't UPSET by it as such, he seems demotivated compared to last year, and I want to make sure that isn't why. I do know from my own experience with him that shouting makes him tune out and stop listening, as Greensleeves said earlier.

I really think going to her first is best, but how to put it nicely?

OP posts:

Feenie · 05/10/2011 21:52

Exactly.

Original poster

montrealmum · 05/10/2011 21:54

WoodBetweenWorlds

I work with Support Services at about fifteen primary and secondary schools across the borough, so I know who the teacher is (Year 2, X school) without needing to be told. A case of knowing more than I should, I'm afraid. Kind of wish I didn't know this teacher's reputation, but I do.

OP posts:

minxthemanx · 05/10/2011 21:56

MontrealMum, I feel for you. I have a horrible feeling my DS is playing up this year (Year 5), and has never been in trouble before - seems to be involved in all the misdemeanours. If I was you, I would catch your son's teacher after school tomorrow and say, "hi, have you got a couple of minutes to spare?" Then ask her if your DS's behaviour is ok, because you're aware from what he says that he's being told off a lot. Does the teacher feel he's playing up, is there a problem, what can you do to help etc. That way you are letting her know that you're aware he's being told off a lot, and giving her the chance to discuss it with you, without being over defensive. Use phrases like; this is new to me, I don;t think he's been in trouble in previous years, I wonder what we can do to sort it out. That kind of approach. I've been teaching for 22 years, btw, and some children do just suddenly have a blip, equally some teachers can be a bit harsh. I am also a Mum of a little sod angel in Year 5,

DownbytheRiverside · 05/10/2011 21:56

Well, you obviously don't want teachers to offer an opinion, so I'm out too.
Good luck.

minxthemanx · 05/10/2011 22:00

And just to add, that like all human beings, there are good teachers and not so good. I'm not over thrilled by DS1's teacher this year, who falls into the latter category, but DS has to lump it and learn that we can't always have the best teachers/doctors/builders whatever. Last year he had the creme de la creme of teachers, so this year is a shock for him.

ChippingIn · 05/10/2011 22:05

montrealmum - I'd talk to her first - just say that your DS is upset that he seems to be in trouble all the time and it seems to be for things beyond his control (getting words wrong etc) or for minor things (fidgeting) and just say it's putting him off going to school.

If the teacher is making him feel bad & like he's always naughty so why bother this is not going to be at all good for him and it does need sorting out.

Original poster

montrealmum · 05/10/2011 22:10

minxthemanx, thank you, one of the most constructive posts on here. I do just want to make her aware that I know he's being told off a lot and ask her to involve me in what's going on without getting accusatory. Great ideas.

I do think that if a six year old is having behaviour problems, the onus is on adults to deal proactively with it rather than suggesting, as some other posters have, that he's naughty, deserves it, and should suck it up. What a weird attitude.

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minxthemanx · 05/10/2011 22:17

Just be pleasant but concerned - you want to know if there's a problem, you want her to know he's unhappy, and you want to see what you can do to help. It's a partnership, and it's great that you want to talk constructively. The number of parents I've had, over the years, shouting at me, accusing, being downright rude because their DC has been in trouble and they won't accept their child is less than perfect. The chances are your DS is lovely, and maybe she needs to know that he's sensitive and getting upset. Just talk to each other, without being accusing, or too defensive. Good luck.

Original poster

montrealmum · 05/10/2011 22:25

Minxthemanx, once again, thanks, great advice.

I do often think that the reaon parents get really shouty or accusatory is becuase they've ignored something bothering them for too long and finally come to the teacher once they're past the point of being rational.

I wouldn't necessarily call DS "lovely", he is a typical little boy with all the wriggliness and horseplay that entails, but he is a smart boy who has enjoyed school, been keen to do well and be recognised, and got on with other kids.

It just troubles me that this year he seems well, sullen, rather than upset. I do think primary school is so much more geared to girls than boys.

OP posts:

Feenie · 05/10/2011 22:26

Original poster

montrealmum · 05/10/2011 22:29

Feenie, you don't?

OP posts:

Janiston · 05/10/2011 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

howtocalmachild · 05/10/2011 22:47

I would definitely ask the question that Mrz suggested. Last year my eldest had a pretty good year. Seemed motivated and wanted to please the teacher and was proud that things were going well. I don't like what I'm hearing and I sense that DC has got off to a bad start with the new teacher. I also feel that those first weeks are important and I really hope it doesn't shape the rest of the year.... :(

Feenie · 05/10/2011 22:47

I think it very much depends on the school and the curriculum. I don't think you can make sweeping generalisations like that, really.

Janiston, this is the primary ed section and many teachers are mums too. The small question which was disagreed with was the Ta's misconduct -it's just a fact that that kind of gossip is unacceptable.

Many teachers posted help for the original problem.

Janiston · 05/10/2011 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AyesToTheRight · 05/10/2011 22:59

Teachers are likely to post in Primary Education - as their eyes scan down Active Conversations they are likely to seek them out. So it may seem there are lots of them on mumsnet when it is more likely they will post in this section.

Original poster

montrealmum · 05/10/2011 23:00

Feenie. I do think that most state schools demand an awful amount of very young children in terms of sitting still, listening, writing in books, being physically inactive for a large part of the day, etc., that young boys tend to find very difficult. This is not just my opinion, but the opinion of many professionals working in different aspects of child development, and indeed acknowledged by most educational professionals working with young children, who see that boys underachieve academically compared to girls.

You are being disingenous when you suggest that there wasn't a snotty and unhelpful tone taken to my original post. It is obvious, and picked up on by other posters.

Some posters were very helpful and courteous, others were not, and spoke in a way I would hope they never would face to face.

I will charitably assume it's the result of a long day and the lack of reviewing your posts before you send them.

OP posts:

WoodBetweenTheWorlds · 05/10/2011 23:02

I'm not a teacher but I think the TA was being unprofessional. Yes, we all moan about work from time to time, but personally I wouldn't criticise a colleague when talking to someone who might know who I was talking about. It isn't fair.

Original poster

montrealmum · 05/10/2011 23:11

As the old saying goes....

There are two types of people

Masturbators and liars.

OP posts:

SE13Mummy · 06/10/2011 00:33

Definitely ask the teacher if you can have a chat after school one day and, at that chat, ask about your DS's behaviour, how you can support him with it etc.

Another possibility may be that he was as wriggly last year but that, for whatever reason, it is more problematic this year. Maybe it's to do with the seating arrangements in class, or higher expectations reflecting the move into Y2 or perhaps children who had been more wriggly than your DS in Y1 have grown out of this which has now exposed him as chief wriggler. Until you have this conversation with the teacher you won't be able to help your DS retain his golden time.

DownbytheRiverside · 06/10/2011 06:19

'Teaching is just a job - not a holy anointment from the lord.'

I like that statement and completely agree.
Usually in any dispute ot concern, the first and most sensible step should be to talk to the teacher. Then it is either resolved, or you have more evidence to take further. It just seems such an issue for so many people and I've never understood why.
Either you get the problem fixed, or you have obtained a better understanding of what the issues are seen to be and can act on that.
Talking to someone in an inoffensive and non-accusatory manner shouldn't be difficult for the majority of adults, surely?

Bucharest · 06/10/2011 06:50

Your child is old enough, and has been in school long enough to know that certain types of behaviour are acceptable, others less so.

If you approach the school with the kind of attitude you are displaying towards teachers/schools in general on here, you are setting yourself up for being labelled as the PFB Mum whose child must never be reprimanded or she'll be down all guns ablazing. I'd be choosing my battles personally at this stage in your child's education, and if he's getting shouted at more than he was last year, I'd be expecting him to take some more responsibility for his actions. (My daughter has a shouty teacher and a non-shouty teacher and they all adore the shouty one much more than the non-shouty one because they recognise that she tells off where telling off is due and is totally fair about it.)

The TA needs to watch herself as I have heard of disciplinary hearings for far less. A friend of mine is currently undergoing one for something similar. She has acted totally unprofessionally.

Bucharest · 06/10/2011 06:52

Janiston-the point is, if the TA is badmouthing a colleague to a parent, then I would bet money on the fact she badmouths children to her mates. Which puts a whole different light on it no?

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