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Original poster

We have fucked up big time

89 replies

TheOriginalFAB · 20/08/2011 08:50

DS1 is 10 and taking the 11+ next month. He has just done a paper and got 20/50 and it was basic maths. He is in the middle group at school. He is bright but doesn't enjoy school, he is an inventor really. WTF do we do now as at this rate he won't pass the 11+ but tbh my main worry is what kind of school has a child at 10 who can't get basic maths right? He has flashes of brilliance and then doesn't get basic maths right. We have 2 other children at the school, 1 extremely bright and 1 average, we don't want to let them down as well.

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IndigoBell · 21/08/2011 07:12

Rich kids can just afford more expensive drugs Grin

Robotindisguise · 21/08/2011 07:14

OK Fab, don't panic - you have a tutor now. You can pack in a lot of lessons in a month.

mm instead of cm sounds like he's not really concentrating - I had poor concentration as a child, especially when I got what was explained quite quickly in maths, I just used to drift off - which didn't help if I wasn't actually right!

You're very down at the moment so more inclined to blame yourself. Just take a deep breath and let the tutor do his job. And have a chat with your son, explaining why he needs to give this his all, that's it's going to be an intense month but only a month so he needs to go for it - but also making it clear he'll be fine whichever school he goes to, so he doesn't freak out.

exoticfruits · 21/08/2011 07:37

I don't see how the school mislead you. He was in the middle group for maths, grammar school isn't even for all the top maths group-just those at the top of the top maths group. Getting into grammar school is just a start-not the end and he will then have 7yrs of having to cope.
You don't need to freak out-grammar schools have their share of bullies-I know a boy whose nose was broken by a fellow grammar school pupil on the school bus and those expelled for drug use.
Have you looked at the alternatives?

rosar · 21/08/2011 08:05

It's possible that DS has a specific learning difficulty - he's bright but results are unpredictable. You can't be sure unless he's had an assessment. The assessment may bring lasting light on how to realize his potential over his life. Spending on the 11+ exam has very temporary results.

Being in Kent can be more emotionally challenging because of the pressure of a 'mainstream' 11+ that other places don't have. He and you can only do your best, tutoring works if it gives confidence. If he has that confidence by understanding what he is and why things work differently for him, then how can he not be fine? Whether you get it together to prepare the DCs for the 11+ may make little or no difference to how they feel about themselves and their hopes for their lives. Life, people make for a lot of bumps, but confidence is a pretty good suspension system.

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin · 21/08/2011 08:14

'Getting into grammar school is just a start-not the end and he will then have 7yrs of having to cope'

I think that is a very important point, if he needs support not just to understand the format of the questions but the maths behind them, can you keep up that level of intensive support for 7 years, and is it a good idea?
Will he be happy?

Caged · 21/08/2011 08:29

My dd passed the 11+ with a months notice (we moved across the country), so it can be done if the child has the ability. However I would say that I have been astonished by how high the expectations are of the children at the grammar. There are one or two children in dds class who have struggled with the work and they are miserable, they also have to deal with the stigma of being the dim ones in a class of bright kids. I'd forget it, better to be a bright kid in an average pond.

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 21/08/2011 09:21

Parenting is so hard. Now we see we should have done more work with him but tbh we thought that school was the place for that and home was for him to relax and have fun. DH is now using the tutor as a way to get him where he should have been for maths as we are fairly sure he isn't going to pass and that doesn't worry me at all. It used to feel like the end of the world but having read your posts and having to rush him to hospital yesterday, things are more in perspective and for that, I thank you all.

It is definitely a concentration thing. DS1 is more DH and DD is more me.

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ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin · 21/08/2011 09:28

' It used to feel like the end of the world but having read your posts and having to rush him to hospital yesterday, things are more in perspective'

Very wise words, and something that I have to remember when times get rough.
Is he OK after your hospital dash? What happened?

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 21/08/2011 09:33

He seems fine now. It was only a wasp sting but he had a reaction in minutes rather than the hours it took last month when he was stung.

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exoticfruits · 21/08/2011 09:35

People will see 'getting in as the hurdle'-doing what it takes and thinking that is it.
That is the very small hurdle at the start-the rest are huge. Often with boys they can be late developers and suddenly take off at 12 or 13yrs, in which case they pass them with ease-but you can't know this.
I think that people ought to find a school to suit their DC- and not find the school and fit the DC, even if it means fitting a square peg through a round hole-with all the force that money can provide.
If they are grammar school material they need a few practise papers so they are familiar. If they have to have intensive coaching maybe they are the 'square peg'.
I have friends who struggled at grammar school, it knocked their confidence and made them miserable.

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin · 21/08/2011 09:35

Worth keeping an eye on that then, did the hospital suggest it was an excessive allergic reaction?

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 21/08/2011 09:50

The nurse said he isn't allergic and we didn't need to take him in.

DS1 was a late started with reading. It took him until year 2 ish to get reading and really enjoy it and now he reads all the time.

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SuburbanDream · 21/08/2011 09:50

Having been to grammar school myself (and having a sister who didn't), I just want to say that it really isn't the be-all-and-end-all. You say your children have different abilites, so they may well suit different schools. Not sure which part of Kent you are in, but there are many very good comprehensives. The best thing to do IMO is have a look on the county council websites for the schools in your area, they usually publish lists to show the furthest distances from home to school in miles, so you can get an idea of the schools you are likely to get a place in. Then you can check out the ofsteds, results etc and visit the schools to get a real idea. Bullying does exist in Grammar schools too you know!! My DS1 is going into year 5 this year and I'm also in Kent so we'll be facing this soon too. He doesn't cope well with stress and although I think he'd stand a good chance of passing if he worked really hard, I wonder if he'd be happier near the top of the class in a comp than in the bottom sets at a grammar.

SuburbanDream · 21/08/2011 09:51

BTW hope your DS is feeling better Smile

seeker · 21/08/2011 09:57

Fab, my ds is doing the 11+ next month too- isn't it awful????

What NC levels did your ds get at the end of year 5? And did he do CAT test?

seeker · 21/08/2011 10:00

Oh, and you aren't getting away from bullies or drugs or alcohol at grammar school- generally the alcohol is more expensive and the bullying is a little subtler but no difference apart from that.

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 21/08/2011 10:02

I can't check his report until tomorrow as dh has it at work.

With regards to the bullies I was thinking he would get way from the kids who are making his life hell now, I wasn't thinking about the new kids he would meet.

I don't know what a CAT test is but I know the school do nothing with regards to the 11+.

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exoticfruits · 21/08/2011 10:02

The idea that you don't get bullying in grammar schools makes me laugh! I would agree that it is more subtle.

exoticfruits · 21/08/2011 10:27

Would the kids that are making his life a misery not pass the exam? In my experience the brightest can be the worst-'big fish in little ponds'.

MrsRobertDuvall · 21/08/2011 10:30

the thing is fab, there will be so many boys at his new school, he will probably not be with the bullies from primary. What is he bullied about?
is he good at making friends? Where would his current friends be hoping to go?

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 21/08/2011 12:39

Clearly I have been stupid not to think about other kids bullying him but I hope that he will grow in confidence this year and have teachers that deal with it better. The first sign of anything come September we are going in as the school hasn't done enough afawac. The Head says there is no bullying at the school and the Deputy said he can't stop bullying 100%. I just wish they would stop it any %!

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coccyx · 21/08/2011 12:48

i would not believe a teacher who said there was NO bullying.. Not all bullying is known about and can be subtle

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 21/08/2011 12:54

I know.

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coccyx · 21/08/2011 13:01

I agree with you saying you will straight down to school at a whiff of bullying. hope you don't have to.x

Solo · 21/08/2011 13:10

Hey Fab! I've only read your posts, but just wanted to say that my own Ds got through the 11+ on his own merit with no tutoring at all and just one practise paper and one set of online practise papers. He passed by 2 marks.

I too wanted my Ds to go to grammar school as I thought that the bullying would stop, but no. It's just different bullies and a different style of bullying... It's about being poor in grammar. We are poor and they know it so they use that as a tool to get at him...
I do think that our local Catholic comp would've been worse, but Ds is unhappy where he is. Not sure he'd be happy in any school though as he's always likely to be picked on.
I just think that you maybe shouldn't think that bullying doesn't go on in grammar schools...I don't think I'm explaining myself very well :(

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