Bullying letter from headteaher re yr1 son soiling himself...

[sambam99]

ON thursday I got the following letter from the head of my 6 yr old school.He soiled twice during this week of hot weather and 2 previous times in last 3 months.

Dear Mrs...,
Toay X soiled himself again and this time told his teacher that he thought he should go home as a result.Obviously this would not happen but nevertheless we feel we need to send out a meassge to him that it is not acceptable for a child of his age to soil himself regularly nor will it allow him an afternoon off school,I also do not think it is acceptable for me to ask staff to clean him up other than following a rare accident. We will therefore contact you if this happens again so that you his dad or a relative could come in, clean him and change his dirty clothing. YOurs sincerely etc etc.

I am very very angry as both my sons have sluggish bowels aggravated by the hot weather and the schools poor hydration policy . I have already left a terse message ont he schools answering machine...today the head sent me their complaints policy...
any advice

I have first hand experience of a teacher refusing a child a trip to the toilet as she said they should have gone when they were reminded earlier. On the other hand there is a child in the same class with issues and they are allowed to go whenever they need.

Regardless of toilet policy they are going to make an exception for OP DC. They should get water-is she sure that he isn't just choosing not to drink it? Ask the school about water policy.

I understand your anger, but I think the only way forward is to try to stay calm and work with the school. They are clearly at a loss as to how to deal with the situation so rather than getting angry and leaving terse messages, could you not just talk to them and say what you're willing to do to help - the letter seems to me to be pushing the problem back to you as they can't cope, and it doesn't seem reasonable just to get angry and say they should be nicer. It is your problem too and you are best placed to take a lead on it, whether through medical intervention or talking to your son to lessen the trauma etc. And then you can discuss what they could do to manage things better. I just can't see it helping anything to get angry, especially when no one's really at fault. No one would be allowing this to happen to your son on purpose any more than he is doing it on purpose.

I agree with PinkDelight. Work with the school - this sounds like something fixable.

As a mum of a 5 year old who soils himself 2-3 times a week (a good week) I'd be incensed by the letter. It'd be my natural reaction. HOWEVER, you need to put that aside and as some of the others have said try to work with the school.

Speak to the teacher / head. Say you want to get the school nurse involved as there's obviously an issue or issues. Also go back to your GP and explain the problem, he should refer you to see a consultant to check whether there's a physical reason.

For the school ask if children can bring in water to drink during the day (surprised they don't), ask if the kids have access to fruit at break times (healthy school policy?).

My DSs school nurse initiated a reward chart for DS that goes to school and home. It's split into morning/afternoon and evening and he gets a sticker for each period he's free of accidents. Before he goes to school he decides what reward he wants for the next day eg toy to school, and I write this on the chart. That way the teachers encourage him to gain his reward and fuss him when he does. He gets the reward if he's dry all day. Continue over the weekend at home too. It's really helped my DS, hopefully it will help yours too.

For my DS we're also trialling a dairy-free diet as school noticed his behaviour was worse when he had his milk. If there are behaviour issues you may want to check his diet in case he's intolerant to something eg diary, wheat or gluten.

The biggest thing you need to do is put your anger aside and speak to the teacher to work out how to support your child at school to overcome the soiling issue.

Best of luck.

I can't believe the ignorance on this thread. My Sons consultant said that school toilets and policies are one of the main reasons for soiling issues and chronic constipation and make up much of her work. ALOT of children have toilet issues and the school is very ignorant of the causes of this. I had this with my son aged 4, yes FOUR, FFS, he was traumatised by the teachers attitude and was shouted at in from of the whole school because of it. I moved him from that school because of their abusive and archaic attitudes but he is still frightened of going to the school toilets. Go and speak to your GP and also ring the head and discuss with her/him and if no joy then ring the council (if state school) and complain.

I think the letter is insensitive, and the issue has been badly handled. No gold stars for your Head in Communication Skills

Personally, I would expect a phone call from our school (and would definitely have had one) over something like this - and a discussion about what was going wrong, not an assumption. Parents and teachers ideally working as a team.

Little girl in dd's Y2 class (she's 6) had soiling issues this year. She is definitely not trying to get off school, she has had sluggish bowel problems since birth - and when stressed, or dehydrated, obviously it gets worse. She was so embarrassed she tried not telling anyone, putting up with the smell and childrens' comments until home time

Her Mum went in to school, talked to the teacher, who was lovely. They worked together to make sure the girl felt able to tell her TA, who would give her a hand cleaning herself up (ie be around to make sure she was ok, not do it all for her). They also worked together to encourage the girl to drink a lot more (which she was refusing to do for her Mum, but did happily for teacher of course!). She's only had one accident since then, and is a lot, lot happier.

That was a good example of school and home working together for the good of the child.

What a shame your ds's school doesn't know how to initiate this, OP - but perhaps you could try and be the one to kickstart an improvement there? Deep breath, and rather than the complaints form (even though you're entitled, imo), ask for an appointment and talk calmly to the Head or class teacher, with letter from doctor in hand, about how best to support your ds with this issue. They need to know he has a medical condition, they need to know he must be allowed the toilet at any time, and that he must drink lots of water.

Good luck

I wonder if this letter was the first communication on the subject?

It is worth looking at the website eric.org.uk

So sorry to hear about this

There is no need to humilate children

But if it's true that they are not alowed to go to the loo when they need to then that should be addressed. In my experience, i primary school they are allowed to go but not more than a few ata a time. So you may have to wait til somebedy else gets back, but no longer than that.

About the water issue. I know some school allow free access to water - and when it is very hot this is obviously essential. But do people really think that a 6 year old can't go more than 2 hours without a drink? I do wonder what its liek for teachers with people getting up and down to get drinks all the time.

I fully agree with fluffles. Irregardless of who is expected to clean him they can't be so inconsiderate. They can at least show some sympathy.

Is this the frist communication with the school about this? Wha't the back stroy?

My sons new school have a beaker area where they keep the beakers and the children can sip drinks of water during the day. Obviously they don't get up and sip them during focused sessions but during less structured/play/art sessions/break times they can get them whenever they want. They also have water at lunch and milk before collective worship in the afternoon. The behaviour in the classroom is very good and they can go to the toilet whenever they need to without it being an issue. Also the TA's support children to go if needed as some of the children are younger than 6.

The best policy, to help DS, is to be friendly, approachable and work with the school.

Yes, has there been any prior communication between yourself and the school on this subject, OP?

Seeker - It's not good practice in the heat of the summer for a child to go 2 hours without a drink, children can do it but it's not necessarily good for them.

If they are prone to constipation and soiling increased fluid intake is one of the first was of dealing with the sitaution the medication (movicol) works by drawing fluid into the bowel, hence the need for more not less .

DD1 suffers with constipation and subsquent soiling I thought we had been managing really well during the hot weather, no problems for a couple of months until yesterday when she had 3 accidents during the afternoon and another this morning.

OP I really feel for you Is it possible to get the school nurse on board to support you (ours helped with a referal to the contience team that the GP was refusing).

I did say different rules should apply when it is very hot, Doris.

at DCs' school the kids are all allowed a water bottle with them in class at all times, which sits in a basket on the middle of thier table, so they can have a sip whenever they need one. it really doesn't cause any trouble and keeps the kids hydrated. Don't know why it couldn't be the case everywhere

I buy into this hydration thing as much as the next woman - my children go off to school with their water bottles, and I'm always offering them drinks at home. But is there aretually any evidence for it being of benefit? Obviously, dehydration is bad, but if you drink loads don't you just pee more? All thet expensive Evian going down the drain.......

Actually all medical professionals advise children to drink more not just to prevent constipation but also to reduce wetting accidents. It is the first thing they will all request.

Drinking enough to stop your pee being too concentrated and therefore irritating and therefore likely to make you wet yourself is obviously a good idea. But how much water a day is that for the average child?

Sorry seeker

One of the reasons I heard to encourage drinking in school was that when well hydrated children are able to concentrate better and therefore it improves school performance.... I have no evidence to back this up tho'.

doris i think that argument has been disproved. There is no evidence tht drinking water increases productivity.
However as someone who has lazy (sluggish) bowel i know the importance of hydration and i need to drink a lot during the day to keep everything moving along nicely.
OP what is your sons diagnosis? Afaik a sluggish bowel cannot be formally diagnosed, its just a reason given for abdominal pain, abdominal bloating and constipation.
I dont know why this would cause your son to soil himself though, unless you are treating him with laxatives that are causing him to lose control of his bowel.

I think the tone of the letter is what would get to me if I received it about my child, because of the implication that the child is attempting to manipulate the school. Really, how desperate would you have to be to go home that you would be prepared to soil yourself?

Very thoughtless communication by the head, I think. It reads as if it was written in a hurry and in a bad temper.

I agree with previous posters that you are much more likely to get a good outcome for your child if you take a deep breath and be the reasonable one.

All the best.

Is your DS seeing a consultant for this problem? My DD used to have the same thing at that age.She had faecal impaction which makes the bowel very stretched and blocked and not work properly leading to overflow diarrhoea like accidents.
However there was no question of me going into change her, I couldn't have anyway I have a job to do and also couldn't have got there for probably an hour.
I would ask to see their policy on exclusion and how their treatment of your DS fits in with it.