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Original poster

Bullying letter from headteaher re yr1 son soiling himself...

80 replies

sambam99 · 10/07/2011 22:06

ON thursday I got the following letter from the head of my 6 yr old school.He soiled twice during this week of hot weather and 2 previous times in last 3 months.

Dear Mrs...,
Toay X soiled himself again and this time told his teacher that he thought he should go home as a result.Obviously this would not happen but nevertheless we feel we need to send out a meassge to him that it is not acceptable for a child of his age to soil himself regularly nor will it allow him an afternoon off school,I also do not think it is acceptable for me to ask staff to clean him up other than following a rare accident. We will therefore contact you if this happens again so that you his dad or a relative could come in, clean him and change his dirty clothing. YOurs sincerely etc etc.

I am very very angry as both my sons have sluggish bowels aggravated by the hot weather and the schools poor hydration policy . I have already left a terse message ont he schools answering machine...today the head sent me their complaints policy...
any advice

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/07/2011 22:50

xposts with you Sam

I'm just horrified at her attitude.

bubblesincoffee · 10/07/2011 22:52

I can't see anything in the letter that I would think is rude, but then if they were talking about my child, I would probably hope to see a more caring attitude with a view to solving the problem too.

Do they really not let the children go to the toilet when they need to?

The fact that there are three staff in the room is not really relevant. None of them are there to clean up poo, and one of them is employed specifically to deal with an autistic child. That child should not have his 1 to 1 support removed for five minutes while she helps/supervises a 6 yo cleaning himself.

I'm not sure I'd trust a 6yo to clean themselves properly after soiling their clothes, in a hygenic way that ensures no other surfaces come into contact with the poo.

Lindax · 10/07/2011 22:55

As this is a medical condition diagnosed by your GP, can your GP give you a letter for the school?

Lonnie · 10/07/2011 22:57

the letter is not so much rude as it is poorly written and it was done in a inappropriate manner

Dont make the mistake of going to them with the same attitude Go to them saying "your right this cant continue what are you going to do to aid my son?" and see what comes out.. you can then at a later point suggest that they look into how they word themselves in written language as clearly there is a issue there.

I do agree a letter from gp will resolve a lot of issuess. Working with the school to resolve this is the better option than going in trying to win over them.

emmanumber3 · 10/07/2011 23:03

I would be interested to know how the school defines rare too, OP. Surely this is something that might occur twice a week for a fortnight and then not again for six months?

A friend's DS used to have a problem with soiling in school at a similar age which, thankfully, he grew out of - it turned out that he was "scared of the strange toilets", which I know is a bit easier to overcome than a medical problem. But still, my point is that these things do happen. I understand that teachers do not want to be changing 6 year olds on a regular basis but when there is a proven medical condition causing him to soil himself (i.e. he cannot control it) is it fair to leave the child sitting in his own filth until a parent arrives? What about the smell, not to mention the humiliation and embarrassment?

I can understand the schools' stance if they honestly think that the child is in control of this behaviour - pooing themselves deliberately in order to go home, for attention, just to be naughty etc. - but when there is an actual medical condition then allowances need to be made [hsad].

CQrrrneee · 10/07/2011 23:05

'send out a message to him that it is not acceptable for a child of his age to soil himself regularly'
if he has a medical condition that means he will soil himself then that statement is discriminatory. The school are making assumptions here regarding the wanting to go home bit. It's quite normal I should think for a child to want to go home because they have soiled. If school are suggesting that he is using this as an excuse to go home then that's not on at all.

bubblesincoffee · 10/07/2011 23:11

How has it been dealt with the three other times he has done this?

Have you made the school aware that you think this is a medical condition and given them advice on how to stop this happening?

I think if they haven't been given a record of an official diagnosis, it is a bit unfair to say they are discriminating.

Goblinchild · 10/07/2011 23:14

If he has a medical condition, is he soiling at home with the same level of frequency?
Is he used to intimate support at home, or does he clean himself after soiling?
Do you have a letter from the GP or a specialist to inform the school of his condition, and that he should be encouraged to drink as much as possible during the day?

mumblechum1 · 10/07/2011 23:18

I think all you can really do is send him in with a change of pants and trousers and some wipes together with a carrier bag and tell him that if he has an accident, to clean himself up, get changed and put the dirty stuff in the bag to take home.

bruffin · 10/07/2011 23:19

. "THere is a medical condition sluggish bowels the successful treatment of this depends on adequate hydration and avoiding poisons sch as white flour and sugar ( hence we don't have school meals)"

Has this really been diagnosed by gp or doctor?

mumblechum1 · 10/07/2011 23:19

I don't think that from the school's point of view it matters whether it's a medical condition or not; at 6 he's old enough to clean himself up and get changed without the embarrasment of everyone making a big fuss about it.

seeker · 10/07/2011 23:26

"poisons sch as white flour and sugar " Hmm

Goblinchild · 10/07/2011 23:32

if you have chronic constipation, then refined foods don't help the situation. OP is being dramatic, but I take it that that's what's happened.
Constipation, bowels failing to recognise symptoms, leakage etc.
Impacted bowel?
Have you been to a GP with your boys?
Have you tried the very old fashioned remedy of liquid paraffin (not out of a garage, the medical sort, on prescription)

CardyMow · 11/07/2011 01:40

First line treatment now is Movicol. .

My 7yo DS2 is similar, OP. And the school are MUCH better at dealing with it. They clean him and change him when he has had an 'overflow' problem, then they tell me at hometime. They know he is on medication for it, and that I have changed his diet. They have free access to the loos at DS's school, and are allowed (in fact, encouraged) to drink from their water bottles regularly. (Isn't there some sort of 'rule' somewhere that says schools cannot restrict a child's fluid intake? Maybe someone more clever than me can find it?)

mumblechum1 · 11/07/2011 07:13

Loudlass, how does he feel about being cleaned and changed by a staff member? Wouldn't he find it less embarrassing to be left to clean himself up, with a spare pair of pants and trousers always being in his bag?

Goblinchild · 11/07/2011 07:19

Cleaning yourself up after soiling is tricky. There's the concern about leakage and smearing onto other surfaces, disposal of the wipes (you need a special bin) and ensuring that he's properly clean in unexpected areas like the back of the legs.
It's more complicated than when you've just been to the toilet as normal.

exoticfruits · 11/07/2011 08:35

It isn't going to last forever-just support him while it lasts and be prepared to go in.

seeker · 11/07/2011 08:38

I don't think a teacher should have to clean up a NT 6 year old - I would expect to be called in to do it myself if it was my child. Or I would expect the child to be given the space and privacy to do it himself.

Refined food are not helpful with bowel problems, but they are not poison. It's not eating refined foods that is the problem - it's not eating enough whole foods.

TheOriginalFAB · 11/07/2011 08:38

6 year olds soiling is not that unusual. I used to be a named person who was called to go in and clean up a boy if he soiled himself and his parents weren't available.

I think a letter from your GP explaining exactly what is wrong with your son and why it is a medical issue as opposed to a behavioural or emotional.

fluffles · 11/07/2011 08:41

telling a child that 'it's not acceptable' to soil themselves is just plain ridiculous!
it's like saying that 'it's not acceptable to vomit' - what the hell? unless they really believe he's doing it deliberately?

i think the letter is rude because it does accuse him of doing it deliberately. or it sets up an impossible situation where something out of his control is 'unacceptable'....

is OP or her DH expected to take annual leave to sit at home just in case? or special leave? or give up her job?

seeker · 11/07/2011 08:42

"6 year olds soiling is not that unusual" I would have thought twice in a week is, surely?

exoticfruits · 11/07/2011 08:46

I would love someone to tell me what the class teacher is supposed to do when she is in the middle of a lesson with 30DCs and has no TA.(or the TA is working with a group). Small schools often do not have a 'spare person' to deal with these things. If your DC is having the embarrassing problem the least that you can do is be supportive.

EightiesChick · 11/07/2011 09:01

Do schools really not allow kids of this age to go to the toilet when they need to? I don't have DC of school age yet and can't remember that far back, but I can't imagine it's realistic to expect 6 yos, even those who don't have medical conditions, to wait till the next break time which could be an hour away!

exoticfruits · 11/07/2011 09:03

They are allowed to go to the toilet! Mainly teachers wouldn't want to deal with the result of not letting them.

EightiesChick · 11/07/2011 09:16

The OP says in a later post they are not allowed access to water or toilets freely during the day. That is what I'd be complaining about, if true. Surely if allowed to go to the toilet freely this is very much less likely to be a problem anyway?