Everyone who lives near me and can afford it seems to be sending their kids to private schools…

[sanssucre]

That's it really, I guess I've just been really surprised that none of them has even considered the local primary schools. DD will start school next year and I'd just always assumed she would go to one of the decent primary schools nearby (there are several and I'm confident we'll get into one).

Thing is, we could actually afford to go private (it would mean some sacrifices but it's do-able), we've just always wanted her to have local friends, go to a nearby school, mix with a wide variety of people etc so I haven't explored the independent option at all. However, in all honesty, the fact that so many people in a similar financial situation to ours haven't even bothered to look round the state primaries is making me wonder if I'm being hopelessly optimistic. But seriously, is it really worth spending thousands of pounds a term to teach a 4/5/6-year-old? I'm not being sarcastic or judgy, it's a genuine question, I just honestly want to know what can be so terrible about a reasonable state primary school that so many people wouldn't even give it a second look.

I appreciate that my post might raise a few heckles. I know we're very fortunate to be able to afford private education if that is the way we choose to go. I also understand that this is a very contentious/emotive issue but I'd be really grateful for some honest opinions.

Just to add, if you are in a CE area then the gap will be much wider at 13. It is very difficult for state educated children to pass the CE and transfer to independent school at that stage.

SpottyFrock - you appear to be assuming that your experience is universal of state versus private. My children love their local state primary and they get an awful lot more "wow" in their day than I ever did in my state primary or my siblings ever got in their private prep schools. Good state primaries do not all equate to SATS factories.

And maybe it also does come down a bit to personality. I don't think my children need the "best money can buy" and don't think I'm letting them down by not purchasing it for them - they are happy, they love their school, they have friends, they are learning exciting things about the world around them, and are interested in their world and their community. I certainly wouldn't make them endure dross and misery, orboredom or mediocrity, but I wouldn't constantly ask myself whether they could have just a tiny bit more, or wonder whether they were only happy because they didn't know better. They are privileged enough as it is, without needing to worry about whether I can bump them up still further - I don't think worrying about the icing on the cake would do my mental health that much good, or make them better people at the end of the day.

"Our borough doesn't have enough places in non faith schools. Result- 24% go private."

Chicken/egg.

No, my point is that you cannot simply compare state and private. Where we used to live, the private school really was amazing and far better that the dull outstanding state school on offer. Where we live now, the private schools were the dull ones and offereed nothing more than a bit of exclusivity which, for me, is a ridiculous reason to pay. They are happy at the local state infant which is a lovely school.

However, no state school, however good can match up with the very best private school in terms of the experiences offered because they simply do not have the money. Academically, they certainly can match up however. The school my kids now attend is happy with excellent teachers and a great enrichment programme. They are happy there and doing very well. However, they simply cannot offer a full range of new resources, visualisers for each group (about 1k each) swimming on site weekly, designated art room with easels and clay oven, correctly height positioned D&T benches etc and a library which changes every half term from one magical environment to another.

You're right, SpottyFrock - state schools can't match private schools in terms of facilities. I see that as the icing on the cake, though.

ps I think it actually did me a lot of good to go to state schools with tatty books and a severe limit on state of the art facilities - made me more resourceful and taught me not to judge a book by its cover! A school with books with missing pages and equipment that never worked wouldn't be any good, either, but there is a happy medium, where you have enough to learn and enjoy what you learn without learning to take anything for granted or expect everything to be packaged nicely.

And for us, that was the reason for paying. I have no interest in social climbing or exclusivity.

Which is why I said to the OP, you must examine your own reasons and your own local choices.

It always makes me how whenever (daily virtually) this debate erupts on mn, people rush on to opine that a bright, well-supported child will do fine everywhere.

The assumption is that the OP's dcs (and the respondents') are bright. Op I'm sure your dc is very bright. But it ain't always going to be the case. We have one dd who appears, as much as you can tell, to be super-clever, not to mention very socially switched on. She's in the nursery of our local primary and, I think, will continue to thrive there.

Our older dd, however, while certainly not stupid, is an altogether more complicated and volatile character. Now she's finishing y1 in some respects she's doing very well. In others, however, it's obvious to me she's not achieving her best. Reluctantly I've come to the conclusion that she'll do better in a smaller, private school where she gets more one-on-one attention.

To you, OP, I'd say it is nuts to send your children private from the word go if a good state option is available. Ime it's only when your dc have been in a school for a while that you can really see what would ideally suit them. The hysteria you hear about how it'll be impossible to find them a place in the private sector after reception is crap - places come up all over the place as London's population is so fluid.

i would pay if i could afford it as my son could do alot bette, but can't afford it so hey ho, will just keep thinking how unfair the whole system is nowadays

rabbitstew makes a very good point about personality...I think I am one of those people who always wants the very best I can achieve (by which I mean doable with effort, not some distant pipedream that kills me).

Not thinking about just schools here, but also other aspects of my life.

And having seen the prep I just couldn't countenance anything other. It would have felt wrong iyswim given it was doable in terms of money but perhaps more importantly logistics.

Are they going private as they didn't get in state? Seems odd to me so many are going private if there are excellent state nearby.

Please don't assume your DD will get in one of the nearish state - check the catchments/admission rules.

Things can change - high birth rate/high siblings/change to parish boundary/new housing estate built etc.

I was naive - checked admission rules, went to see head - you will be fine all from your parish have got in for the last 7 years - we were 4th on the wait list! No chance.

Despite private never being on my or Dh's radar for DD she is just finishing reception at the local private school.

Rabbitstew, your post about personality resonates with me too. I grew up in desperate poverty with a difficult family situation and my driving factor for the last 10years has been to give my kids more. More love, more cuddles, better schooling, better house, generally more fun during their childhood.

If things had been different for me growing up then I might be less uptight about ensuring everything they get is 'better'. Though living by the sea has strangely helped me relax a bit.

Ah see, now I went to private school (relaxed Montessori primary, relaxed small girls' independent secondary) and quite enjoyed it. The teaching was mediocre, the facilities ditto, I was bright and did well enough. We can afford private, without having to work more hours, though of course it would impact.

But when it came to the dds, we did what others have said: we looked at all the local schools we considered remotely possible, state AND independent. The one we liked best, and felt was best for dd1, was a small state primary - and it works beautifully for her. She would have been ok in a small local independent (the big academic ones I think would have squished her creativity, and her quirkiness, and she would have been miserable) but I am so glad she is where she is.

As someone else said, if the school isn't right for one of my dds at some point - or if they are not right for it - we can move them! But if we do, it won't be because of the insane social hysteria about 'achieving' that London, at least, seems to be riddled with.

spotty your childhood ounds like mine - it has certainly driven me to ensure my DC get the best (as I see it).

If I had sent DC to the local primary school knowing how georgeous the prep was, knowing it was calling me from around the corner...it would have killed me

Yes, agree too about our reactions to childhood experiences! I had a different experience, and as a result have completely different perception of 'best' for my kids - and a total aversion to high-pressure environments. Tis fascinating.

Oh agree on high pressure environments, especially for littlies...simply couldn't have countanced Habs or wotnot for primary.

For me it's all about green space, time spent outside etc

Honestly I would send mine private if I could afford it unless the state primary was in a middle class area.....therefore kids will want to be professionals and be aspirational themselves.

Elibean, I agree about the pressure. Ironically, it was one of the reasons we chose the private option as our local, ofsted rated outstanding primary with its obsession with level5s was just a narrowly academic exam factory from what I could see and from talking to parents with children there.

I didn't/don't want them pushed at their age. I just want them to look back fondly and have enjoyed it. Where we were that came from an independent school. Where we live now, they are getting it from the local state infant school. It's all about what's available where you are; assuming you have the luxury of choice of course.

I think there is an almost hysterical tribal mentality in London about schools, as in you MUST send your child to X, and Y school is appalling, you can't go there and this is accepted blindly by a great many people. I visited a school which I was told was THE school in the area and really didn't like it (and DH hated it) while when we visited the school others were turning up their noses at we found it pleasant and welcoming.
Interestingly we sent DD to the pleasant school but by YR2 it became clear she was outgrowing what the school had to offer, so we moved her. I've known people keep their unhappy child in a school because they can't take them out as this would be a sign of "failure" which is silly, a school suits or it doesn't.

I also met a man who told me his brother no longer spoke to him as he wasn't sending his daughter to Haberdashers. Yes, there are people who won't speak to you if you don't have your kids in certain school. These are parents I try to avoid wherever possible.

I was having a pleasant, if boring, conversation with a local mum when I told her dcs went to X (locally seen as the "bad" school, though it's actually great). Her dcs are at Y, the private school literally round the corner.

She said "Oh!", backed away from me as if I had announced I had the plagued and literally never spoke to me again.

Clearly I'd deceived her into thinking I was in her tribe, when actually I was beneath contempt.

There are twats in all walks of life!

We spend a lot of time with a 'private school" family who have children exactly the same age as ours.

They still do little double takes and have to cover hteir astonishment whenever our children show any sign of civilized behaviour, knowledge, ambition or exam success!

Dunno why you still bother with 'em Seeker...

I ditched everyone who likes to make snidey boring uninformed cmments about our educational choices.

The nearest private school's parents are as educated or as rich, bizarrely, as those at the state we don't fit in school that my dcs go to.