10 year old girls and their friendships

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Is it tricky for everyone?

My dd told me her heart is hurting today. I could burst into tears, tbh.

She has always been part of a large fairly easy going group at school. There have been very few fallings out, they are a nice group of girls to play with.

But now they have all paired up and have best friends ... except dd.

God, I feel wretched for her .

Can I do anything?

It's hard and it it hurts :(

It does pass though, unfortunately there's not much you can do.

Help her to meet new friends out of school, clubs, brownies, sport, music.

Takes the pressure off the school friends being everything to her.

I've learned the hard way that getting too involved doesn't help by the way.

I can completely empathise with this situation. I remember being at primary, stuck in a threesome. One day we were all friends, next day it was them against me, next day they fell out and they both wanted me. It made my life a living hell, broke my confidence and self esteem, and went into secondary with terrible insecurities and went through many years of "buying" friendships.

One day it all changed. I started work (16yo) had a run in with my supervisor where she humiliated me for no reason,boy, did this 16yo grow up! Since then er hem some 34 years ago, I detest any kind of bullying or intimidation and quite frankly won't stand for any of it.

What I don't understand is, if your child has a regular bunch of mates and one of them has gone AWOL, well, I would kinda question that? In fact I was always aware of my daughters group of friends and wouldn't tolerate any shenannigans! I'm sure I would know if my daughter (or son) would be capable of awful behaviour.

OP I know this is quite normal bitchy girly behaviour, but please keep an eye on her, some kids really are quite affected by it. Don't let her lose her self esteem. Try to get her involved in something that she's good at and that will increase her confidence. Might be something like baking/decorating cakes. Like others have said, get her involved in activities outside of school too, these really will make a world of difference.

This stage does pass but it seems like a lifetime at that age..

Good luck OP, I really feel for you and your daughter xx

I was completely unprepared for it but my dd is 10 in Year 5 and suffering too.

Her so-called best friend since reception has gone off her and finds it amusing to laugh at dd behind her back. I'm glad it's happened in a way, she was always a nasty piece of work and dd is better off without her. Dd also feels left out of things generally as she isn't into pop music and the whole celeb thing - it just doesn't interest her. Luckily there a some nice girls in the class who have something else to talk about other than pop stars and we've invited a few girls home and that's helped.

I would second her having some outside interests. Dd does ballet and brownies and has some nice friends there - they will probably start guides together.

I say to dd treat school as your place of learning - if you make any good friends that's a bonus.

I really feel for your dd, your heart just breaks for them. The pairings won't necessarily last, it could all change in a few weeks.

dd is 10 and in yr6. I think it got marginally better this year but probably because they were working on SATS lol.

No doubt it will get far worse again next year in secondary school.

There is a girl in her class who lies dreadfully about what dd has said/hasn't said and dd finds it so frustrating as lots of people believe this girl! Dd not overly concerned as she is off to a different secondary school but I imagine this is the start of a slippery slope with dealing with issues like this!

This is perfect timing, thanks OP. I just came on mumsnet, feeling really miserable and tearful for my ds1 (5). These things start young and with boys too. I can relate so much to most of these posts. Ds1 is heartbroken by his so-called 'best friend' asking some bigger boys to hit him and laughing at him when he cried. This happened sometime last week, and he's still really sad about it and says they're not friends now (unsurprisingly!). He's really sensitive which doesn't help, he's been quite deeply hurt by the whole thing, and his self esteem has taken another bash. This whole being at school thing has been a complete nightmare for him. He's not in the 'popular group' (I can't believe there is such a thing in Reception, but certainly in this class there is) though he desperately wants to be (I'd rather he wasn't as I don't particularly like those kids, but he obviously aspires to them...). He accidentally hurt his little sister tonight and then started crying, "She won't be my friend anymore. She's never going to be my friend."

Thanks for your post joanofargos - really good advice, I will remember those tips!

...still sad though

I can completely sympathise. My daughter has been going through the same thing recently. She has been BF with a few girls sine October last year and over the last 2 weeks, they keep deleting her as BF on moshi monsters (not keen on bloody website anyway), lying to her about things, etc....

Roll on when they are older....

Having had DD have her last day of school today, shes 18, i can safely say it gets easier- but you probably havent gone through the roughest yet! The arguments get more complicated, serious, longer, the excluding more severe and insecurity doubles so the girls actions get more outrageous. Girls are bitchy- full stop! BUT they learn from it, without all this they';d never know how to cope in situations when things dont go smoothley or they have to 'work' their way into a group of people or they have to deal with conflict and learn to put things behind and move on. DD had a good cry tonightand just said she'd had the time of her life and couldnt have had a better time at school and through everything (even the bitchy arguments) she has come out stronger and they are simply 'life experiences'!
So just see the big picture, remind your daughter its not her, its what happens, equip her to deal with it- boost her self-esteem... and think of the day its your daughter leaving school and looking back and how shaped and storng she will be from going through lifes challenges of bitchy girls!!

Disagree with FattyAcid who says boys don't fall out (single mum of a teenage son).

Let your kids chose their own friends, my son - coming up 20 - has had many friends in his life, from school, sports, outside activities, who have fallen by the wayside, it's life!!

Best let them get on with it and just be there for them.

Some of those friends will turn up later in life again, my son is now working with "old" friends from way back when in primary school....

^"Things What I Have Learnt:
Be lovely. Be a safe haven until it's ok again at school, which it will be. Be ready at 3.15 to hear the woes of the day, don't tell her it;s because they're jealous (she won't believe you and it will make her think you don't understand), don't tell her that the girls are just nasty (even if they are) because they will probably be friends again eventually. Don't start worrying there's something wrong with your child, or with you - bolster their confidence sneakily when you can. Bear in mind if they're less nice than usual that it might be because this is bothering them so much. Do things out of school and have things to look forward to at the weekend if you can.

Grit your teeth. Read Cat's Eye and talk about it with your dd."^

I want to print that out and have it mainated!! My dd is just on the cusp of this stage, I hear daily about the arguments between herself and another 2 girls - hasn't been anything too serious yet, but it's coming!!!

Same here, though it has been going on since we joined the school in Year 3. Now coming to the end of Year 4 and I am hoping the worst is over, though perhaps not judging by others' posts.

Not so much of the popular/not popular as this doesn't seem to have set in yet (or at least if it has DD is not aware of it), mostly a group of girls whose friendships seem to be very, very fickle at times. DD seems to be weathering it okay, mainly by distancing herself from her former BF now and having several good friends, but no BF. Slightly less intense and easier for her to bounce back from a falling out.

Fortunately all the girls have lovely mums who have been trying to smooth things over/encourage positive attitudes and behaviours so maybe next year will be okay.

Happening here too, and it is difficult.

Most of dd's good friends have disappeared into a girl's football league. Between practises and matches, they are together 12-15 hours per week outside school which makes them a very tight knit group. Dd, while active, is not sporty and is not on the team, and so is outside the group.

As summer approaches, I was thinking (a bit wistfully) back to last summer and the various outings/playdates that dd enjoyed immensely. She is not close with most of those girls now. They aren't ugly to her - just gravitate elsewhere, and inevitably she is left out.

Can't even do the 'meet up with them outside school' strategy as they are mostly unavailable - seem to be endlessly at practise or a match.

Redhot - I know exactly what you mean. My DD is 6 (Year 1) and they all seem to be going on 16 and catty as hell. It tends to be fairly minor and quick to blow over but the way they talk to/about each other is !

DD is in a bit of a 'threesome' situation - the other girl invited dd's 'best friend' to her birthday do last weekend but not DD, who came out with 'well we all know why that is - she wants me out of the way so she can have bf to herself'.

We couldn't even have gone as we had a family day out arranged . Just dreading it getting worse as they get older, although she does have friends and activities out of school so hopefully that will take the edge off.

OP - I really sympathise, but it is not just girls this happens to. My DS was so miserable at school that I'm home educating him for his last year of primary. It has taken me ages to find out what was going on. He was being excluded in football games, boys were pretending to be friendly with him, then running off with his football, he was regularly left out in groups. The final straw was when his so-called 'best friend' started picking on him and encouraging others to exclude him. For whatever reason, my son was a scapegoat and it was just awful for him.

He has a close friend who he still likes to see and has recently decided that he is ready to see another friend from his old school, who has been asking to see him. But, for the past few months, he has been perfectly happy at home. I think it was just a massive relief for him to be out of that awful situation. From talking to other parents and teachers, I have discovered that Year 6 can be a very tricky year, with all sorts of stresses (SATs, transition to new school coming up, some children entering puberty, etc).

I would agree with everyone who says to encourage other friendships outside school, if possible. In the past, I have tried to help DS's friendship issues by inviting children round to our house and for days out, and trying to get him to form friendships outside school, through clubs etc. I have always been available for DS to talk to when he wants to. Sometimes we would have long bedtime chats and that is when he would unburden himself.

My son does want to go to secondary school, as he sees it as a chance to make a new circle of friends.

However, my son's case is maybe an extreme example and I'm certainly not recommending everyone take their child out of school over the usual friendship issues!

Thanks to whoever recommended that book, 'Bullies, Bigmouths and So-called Friends' - I have just ordered a copy.

By the way, my mum tells me that I used to lament my lack of friends regularly as a child. It broke her heart. I know that I always had several close female friends at school, but we were always falling out with each other (jealousy, rivalry, competitiveness, plain boredom, etc). As an adult, none of this is the case. My mum laughs at how many lovely friendships I have and says, "And this is the girl who said she would never have any friends....!"

It's a phase - but a tough one.

dd is in y3 and already see it now becuase shes a young 8 and in mixed class of y3 and y4 so no intrest in make up , clothes , pop music the girls are already pushing her out.

She does play better with some of the boys but some are reaching stage of no girls are not playing with us

Another one with a 10 year old DD in Y5, and can also empathise with this totally. School is a miserable place for DD at the moment. She feels no one likes her, her best friend is in another year so they don't get to see each other much in school, and the girls in her class seem to have turned against her. DD has psoriasis, dyspraxia and hearing issues, also has big dental problems and is already getting picked on for these :( Girls can be vile. She has been picked on for being the only white girl in her class, and ganged up on.

We're moving soon, and I'm just hoping that things will be different in y6 then high school. I'm trying to give her the tools she needs and having talks about how to be a friend etc. She's a perfectly friendly and caring little girl. It is, as you say, shit. :(

BeaverLaViva - not the end of the world if your daughter does quote you - at least the other girl will know that you are on your daughter's side, which is very empowering for your daughter.

This happened to us recently regarding a boy who has been nasty to our son for a while. Whilst embarrassing, the old 'my Dad says ...' didn't hurt at all. Sadly, the nasty boy in our case doesn't have either parents emotionally engaging with him so far as I can tell, which is probably why it is happening in the first place.

I used to hate this age - dd now older, ds younger - god help me that boys are as bad.

But you had to grow a thick skin - I used to get txts from my dd at lunch telling me how everyone hated her, how she was awful etc. I'd then spend my afternoon at work distracted getting into at tizz - to come home in the evening, sit down with dd and say 'what's up?' and her say 'nothing why?' and me 'from your text?' - 'oh that's all fine, they ignored me and wandered off, but this afternoon so and so did such and such it was great.'

I then introduced the rule of tell me about the spat when I get home, and if its so bad that you're still upset by the evening then I'll worry about it.

Very very few occassions worthy of report in the evening.

I have a young 9yr old Year5 who doesn't yet understand the politics of the playground and has suffered this year :( As a result she has no particular friend or even consistent group to play with.

Im reading this to forarm myself for when my twin girls start in sept. Gulp!
they obviously fall out already and we have found the 'swamp wiv luv' tactic works brilliantly, especially if followed up with very positive affirmations.
looks to me like a lot of these postings are accepting and negative of unnaceptable behaviour. Teachers need their butts kicked to do their job + ensure fairness.
My older boy has mild special needs, quite a combo with girls, we have had to nip this in the bud - for all their survival!!!
Same as you - will do anything to protect tiny hearts and minds.
They need to know we will help to teach the hardest part of life....EMOTIONS.
I guess like all things - the practical is harder than the theory as it involves our weaknesses/issues as well. Wish u all well, wish me luck!!!!!!!

Honestly I think getting overinvolved and emotional does not help. My Bf and I have fallen out because our daughters are no longer friends.
IMO building up your own child by pulling down another is not helpful. Best to bear in mind that all these other children that you are calling bullies/nasty/jealous/evil are likely just the same, and the story you are hearing is just one side (your childs), and that it may be different told from another side.

Grim isn't it?

I found the books 'A Smart Girls Guide to Friendship' and 'Friends - making them and keeping them' v useful for my dd. I suppose it is useful to remember that our kids have to go through trials and tribulations so they can show themselves that they are resiliant and to build up the ability to bounce back.

I also think it is useful to get kids involved in clubs that don't necessarily involve their peer group even if it means travelling a bit further (if you can) - just takes some of the focus off the one peer group. A pet is great for the hard times too. Good luck.

Another thought - I have a really strong memory of falling out with my group of girl friends. I can remember walking home that day thinking that life couldn't get any worse but then it occured to me that I was going home to a house where everyone loved me and that as long as I could get through the day at school, I had the knowledge that I was going to go home to my loving family - particularly my mum. Sounds a bit soap-opera-ish I know but it really did make a difference, so give your lovely girl lots of cuddles and time together with you.