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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

10 year old girls and their friendships

80 replies

bibbitybobbityhat · 19/05/2011 17:20

Is it tricky for everyone?

My dd told me her heart is hurting today. I could burst into tears, tbh.

She has always been part of a large fairly easy going group at school. There have been very few fallings out, they are a nice group of girls to play with.

But now they have all paired up and have best friends ... except dd.

God, I feel wretched for her .

Can I do anything?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ExitPursuedByAKitten · 20/05/2011 12:30

I agree - but the uber popular girls are the ones who do not go home crying to mum about not having any friends. They are the ones who dish it out but never seem to have to take it, have queues of girls just waiting to be their friend, and a full social calendar, despite being outwardly quite nasty to others. Disclaimer - I am not implying your DD is like that motherinferior.

JoanofArgos · 20/05/2011 12:51

Yes, I became embroiled in a conversation with my girls last night about the strange phenomenon amongst children and teens whereby niceness is ranked so low as a virtue and nasty people seem to be better at being popular. 's not fair.

takeonboard · 20/05/2011 13:05

Mother of a boy here, who is year 5 and going through exactly the same. In fact we had an identical conversation last night joanofargos love your name btw! Its the same with boys, the nasty ones are so popular never lonely and nobody ever challenges them so they get away with everything, they are also very good at not being seen so the teachers often think they are angels. Grrrr.............I am at a loss sometimes - someone tell me "why are the meanies so popular?"

JoanofArgos · 20/05/2011 13:11

Yes, there was a boy on dd's table last year who is a bit sensitive and quiet, and the girls were beastly to him: and whenever dd tried to suggest they not be so horrid, of course, she was accused of luuuuuurving him.

Bugger only knows.

OP, I do hope things change sooner rather than later for your dd.

takeonboard · 20/05/2011 13:17

Thats the reason why the victim is socially isolated and therefore an easy target, the odd brave kid who stands up to the mean ones gets teased themselves, at what age do they get it and start to have empathy?

JoanofArgos · 20/05/2011 13:49

I dunno, but based on my year 9's experiences in the last few months - not in year 9.

RockStockandTwoOpenBottles · 20/05/2011 14:01

Very familiar stories reading through this. DDs 1 & 2 went through pretty much the same in Year 5 as well. THey're horrible, some of them and it was all I could do to stop myself going in to rip a head off at times (mostly a certain parent tbh)

DD1 ad a great circle of friends but they ARE extremely fickle and they swapped best mates on an almost weekly basis. But, nearly 9 years down the line, and despite all of them going to different schools all over the place, they remain serious friends with no secrets and meet when they can.

DD2 had one particular girl in her class who was vile. Really really horrible and flitted between girls/groups stirring shit, being very nasty and then acting as if SHE was the one who was being bullied - she was simply being ignored (eventually). She clearly took her lead from her mother and both daughter and mother were eventually removed from the school. She had a younger brother at the school (in my son's class) who was the most wonderful little boy and it was a shame to see him go.

DS didn't have any problems at all. DD3 is 2 and I am frankly dreading the whole playground/classroom bitching that ime seems to be inevitable at ages 9/10.

Both DDs though, have never had any problems since Year 7. Other than silly 5 minute spats, but nothing that leads to tears and misery. I just wonder whether it's all part of pubity coming so much earlier than when we were younger and I can imagine raging hormones in a 9/10 year old must be rather difficult for them to deal with, without the relative maturity that one might find in 13/14 years olds.

RockStockandTwoOpenBottles · 20/05/2011 14:02

Sorry, crappy typos and rather longer than anticipated...

kreecherlivesupstairs · 20/05/2011 14:02

My DD is empathetic, she tried to be friendly toward a slightly odd boy. He is really annoying to the girls, he tries to look down their tops or up their skirts etc. Low level inappropriateness really. He is a year older than the rest of the class and the only American in the class.
DD tried really hard to be friends with him, but the queen bee of the class started ripping the piss out of DD and she gave up.
Thank goodness we are leaving.

motherinferior · 20/05/2011 14:59

No, DD1 really isn't one of the in-crowd, insofar as there is an in-crowd. She does get on quite well with them, but isn't part of it.

I just don't think this happens everywhere. There isn't a queen bee in DD1's class. They all seem quite eccentric, friendly kids to me.

motherinferior · 20/05/2011 15:12

And the reason I think I'm not deluded and that DD1 is in fact the star of Clueless-in-Catford is that we talk about friendship a lot, and about those of her friends who find friendships hard, and about how you get on with other people, and she clearly thinks about this stuff. And if she does, I assume her mates do as well, given that DD1 is a lovely girl (imo) but not exactly Mz Perfect.

sherbetpips · 20/05/2011 15:20

oh yuk, I hate that feeling. DS has just reached the age where the boys are starting to get a little more aggressive and pushy. An older boy shoved him away the other day and told him to get lost. He was absolutely heartbroken, no-one has ever spoken to him in that way and he didnt know what he had done wrong, didnt stop crying for ages.
In terms of your daughter as women, we all know we can be a right unfriendly bunch when we get cliquey (anyone who has walked into a toddler group on their own can tel you that). She will get through this and there will be a friend for her, especially when as TheVisitor says she gives up on the crowd and looks to find the right friend on her own. In the meantime lots of hugs and kisses and moral boosting to be done!!!

Maryz · 20/05/2011 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pointydog · 20/05/2011 15:38

It is tricky at certain times for many children (girls and boys), yes. Very common. And it is horrible when one of your children is going through it and you can't sort it out for them.

The only thing you can do is talk to your dd, give her a few suggestions about who she could chat to and what sort of activity she could do with a friend and generally support her through it.

The chances are, it will pass and things will be a bit better in a couple of weeks.

mummissinghermind · 20/05/2011 15:41

Oh God just burst into tears reading these posts, i'm so sorry for all of you whose d.c are having a bad time of it, i've no words of wisdom, my d.d is only 3, but i dread all this.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend with your girls.Shit, better go and do the face, i look like Alice Cooper.

carriedababi · 20/05/2011 15:50

how do you do the divide and rule thing?

nightingale452 · 20/05/2011 16:20

Does anyone have any advice on how to avoid this kind of thing? My DD1 has just turned 9 (year 4) and already has the problem that she's on the periphery of every group. I think it's nice that she plays with everyone, but the other girls seem to be forming more defined friendship groups and DD isn't in any of them. It's already becoming difficult because they are tending to only have a few 'best' friends for birthday dos these days, and DD1 isn't invited to any as she's nobody's 'best' friend, and this upsets her.

I was bullied all the way through secondary school and I'm desperate for my children to have a better time of it, but don't know what advice to give as I guess I wasn't very good at the social side of school.

chubsasaurus · 20/05/2011 16:33

I wouldn't be 12 again for anything, and if anything I was one of the nasty ones not the poor girls who were picked on. It's hard to know whether to teach your DD empathy and ride this out or to train her to, erm, win in this situation which obviously isn't ideal.

ExitPursuedByAKitten · 20/05/2011 16:39

The only advice I have is to invite individual girls round for tea/sleepovers (oh my how I hate those) and hope that it leads to return invites. I found when DD had a sleepover arranged then the invitee would play with her for that week, and this can then build stronger links. Also sporting activities, although this has backfired on DD as she was the weakest link on the team and frequently got passed over for 'partners' etc, but has now been dropped anyway .

Also as others have said, activities away from school. DD loves guides, and although she has not made a 'special' friend there she is widening her circle.

And also just accept that there will be those girls who will always be popular and those who won't.

Since starting nursery at 3 my DD has never had a 'best' friend. She is kind hearted and good at starting up friendships, although I do worry that she is a bit bossy, but also she is old for her years and tends to get on with girls slightly older than herself.

Nightingale - how did you feel about the bullying. I have said here and on many other threads that I think it is worse for me than for DD, in that she gets over things quicker because she sees the girls every day, whereas I bear a grudge - and some!

mathanxiety · 20/05/2011 16:43

Youngest DD (9) will no longer wear her all time favourite clothing as she has been told she looks like a freak in her green trousers by some snotty little fashionista in her class. Luckily, she has a little group of about four friends and they are still happy to be in each others' company at lunch, but I dread the sort of falling out that will happen next year.

Have seen it before three times with the oldest DDs but not at all with DS and the boys in his class. It's all very raw and unsophisticated and cut-throat at that age. They get more sophisticated but no less cutting as they grow older.

I think it's nice at any age to arrange special things to do with your DD that you both enjoy. It can boost their confidence to get to spend time with mum, maybe even do a little shopping together, have lunch. If you shop, listen to what they want and don't try to influence their taste too much.

Another few irons in the fire is a great idea from upthread -- activities outside of school will let your DD see that school is only one part of her life.

carriedababi · 20/05/2011 16:47

what do you think to the advive yo say to children, i'd give x a wide berth if i was you...

effecitvely telling the child to ignore the horrible one/ones

nightingale452 · 20/05/2011 16:52

For years I found going into a school of any kind torture - obviously I have to now my eldest is at school, and it's not so bad now (but I'm 40). Frankly if either of my daughters were bullied I think I would teach them to fight back, although I know I probably shouldn't. I was always told to 'ignore them and they'll go away', well they didn't, and I wish I had retaliated, it would have made it much more difficult for the teachers to brush it all under the carpet. I do worry about DD1 because she doesn't make friends easily, we moved house between her reception and year 1 and at the end of year 3 the best friend she'd made here left the school, so she's found it hard.

ExitPursuedByAKitten · 20/05/2011 17:02

I have bought Queen Bees and Wannabees, and also Bullies, Bigmouthg and so-called Friends.

I think the only answer is to stand up to the bullies and show them they can't intimidate you (even though they can). I was mildly bullied by the Queen Bee at school, I think because I didn't hover round her. There always seemed to be an injoke that I was not in on etc. One day she tried to make me pick something up and I pushed her out of the way. She was a slight little thing and she fell over - never bothered me again after that.

I do so worry about my DD though as she has very large feet (and I mean very) and I just know that if she is picked on about anything, it will be this, and there isn't much she can do to hide them. I get so worried when you read in the papers about children who have harmed themselves, or worse, because they were being bullied - some girls for being too pretty ffs! And the parents knew nothing about it. I like to think that DD talks to me, but you never really know do you?

RedHotPokers · 20/05/2011 17:22

My DD is nearly 5yo and has this already. She has a big circle of girl friends who are so 'teenagery' its not true.

Yesterday one of her supposed best friends shouted 'you're SMELLY' at DD in front of the whole class as they were about to go home. DD cried all the way home, and we had to have a long conversation about how sometimes people can be mean, but try not to take it to heart etc etc.

And she's only FOUR. Think how bad its going to be when she reaches 10!

JoanofArgos · 20/05/2011 17:34

Things What I Have Learnt:
Be lovely. Be a safe haven until it's ok again at school, which it will be. Be ready at 3.15 to hear the woes of the day, don't tell her it;s because they're jealous (she won't believe you and it will make her think you don't understand), don't tell her that the girls are just nasty (even if they are) because they will probably be friends again eventually. Don't start worrying there's something wrong with your child, or with you - bolster their confidence sneakily when you can. Bear in mind if they're less nice than usual that it might be because this is bothering them so much. Do things out of school and have things to look forward to at the weekend if you can.

Grit your teeth. Read Cat's Eye and talk about it with your dd.

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