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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

I lost it trying to help dd to read - feel awful

87 replies

scattercushion · 11/05/2011 14:27

Feel so bad - dd is in reception, one of the youngest in her class, and is struggling with reading. Thing is, I'm also struggling with helping her! I get so impatient because day after day we are back at square one, she does not seem to recognise letters, let alone words, and every one is sounded out. Turn over the page - the same sentence is repeated and we have to start from scratch. No recognition that we have just read it.

I know that one day it will just click but I can't bear it, it's like pulling teeth. I feel like tearing my hair out and this morning I actually threw the book across the room and stomped upstairs I was so fed up. She started crying. I apologised profusely and she seemed ok but I feel so guilty. I am a monster. I'm scared I'm going to make her phobic or have low self-esteem. Oh I feel awful.

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clayre · 11/05/2011 14:31

My dd was exactly the same, the more she seen me getting annoyed the worse she would get, i lost it a fair few times ended up speaking to her teacher who said she reads fluently in class . i ended up letting dp read with her at night and it was calmer all round and now shes a fine reader.

sittinginthesun · 11/05/2011 14:32

Hugs. xxx

have you spoken to her teacher? I'm no expert, but would've thought that the most important thing at that age is to enjoy books?

Ease off the formal reading, just enjoy stories together, talk about the pictures, read poems and rhyming stories for the fun of it, and wait for the actual reading to follow.

TobyLerone · 11/05/2011 14:32

Well, you did the wrong thing but you already know that, so no point in banging on about that part.

It is hard. I don't remember struggling particularly, but I'm sure I did. I'm not the most patient person in the world. My son could read before he went to school (completely self-taught I didn't even realise he could do it until he did it!), so it wasn't so much with him, but I remember my daughter taking a while to pick it up. Now she's 10 and is the same with maths rules she'll do one problem, then by the time she's got to the next one she's forgotten how. It's pretty frustrating, for sure.

Could you maybe ask the school if they have any tips for helping her? In reception, the main point of the books is to make reading a habit anyway, and to encourage them to discuss the story. It's less about learning to read and more about being comfortable with books. She'll get it eventually!

bigbuttons · 11/05/2011 14:32

scattercushion are you me?

Original poster

scattercushion · 11/05/2011 14:34

thanks - i am getting so worked up about it all I need to caaaaaalm down. I hate losing it though - that horrendous feeling of the anger just boiling up. Usually I am chilled!

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Original poster

scattercushion · 11/05/2011 14:34

yes, I think I might be, I do have big buttons after all.

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gabid · 11/05/2011 14:37

I know the feeling. DS refused to read any school reading book until about now (end of Y1). I left him alone until about this time in reception, the teacher said he reads well in school. At home he refused. I tried to make him and got really angry because I thought he must be able to do it if he does it in school. He cried, I felt terrible.

Just about now we are getting into the habit of reading a little every day. He still doesn't want to, but I can't wait for his love of reading any longer.

Have you asked her teacher how she is doing in school. But I feel during reception its fine to back off and leave her alone a bit longer. She might just not be ready. I found it hard though because I don't want him to behind as that may damage his confidence.

I find school starts too early in this country - 6 would be a better age, at least there wouldn't be so many struggling, especially the younger ones.

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 11/05/2011 14:37

Ds was one of the youngest in class and I just didn't do it with him as he didn't like it, they are still just babies. If they love it, fantastic, if they don't just don't bother.

Ds started this year (year 1) barely able to sound out single words, just months later he is reading whole books in his head.

bigbuttons · 11/05/2011 14:38

Also dd will deliberately be rubbish at reading or maths if she doesn't want to do it , just to put me off. It works. She does the same at school. If the teacher is trying to assess her in anyway dd will make out she can't do a thing. Catch are unawares and you know she can.
For what it's worth my eldest is August born. By the end of reception he had just about worked out his name began with a 's'. The rest of the year was one big play time. Now at 12.5 he reads adult fiction with ease.
Honestly don't worry about it, not one jot

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 11/05/2011 14:38

Not year 1, year 2.

IndigoBell · 11/05/2011 14:41

If you are struggling with reading with her it's fine to not read with her for a while. School would rather you did this then make it all into a big deal.

Also make an appt to see the teacher to discuss her reading. Does she know all her letters? Is she bringing home appropriate books?

They may agree with you that the books are too hard. Or they may have some diff books of the same level. Or anything......

Or they may have concerns about her and be glad to discuss them with you.....

Original poster

scattercushion · 11/05/2011 14:42

not even a one jot? I will try... It is fiendishly difficult not to compare with other children and fret. I was imagining careers that didn't require reading the other day... See what I mean about finding it hard not to fret?

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gabid · 11/05/2011 14:42

WhereThe WildThingsWere - I know one shouldn't worry, and there are all these stories about, oh now he ... does everything with ease ...

But if DS is not that bright and needs the support? I hope that will not be the case but what if? I can't help it.

Original poster

scattercushion · 11/05/2011 14:44

I have discussed with the teacher who sighed and said she has all the youngest children in her class and it is only her age. When dd gets the concept of decoding she will be fine. Teacher was fed up too, it seemed.

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throckenholt · 11/05/2011 14:44

I was the same with our DS - it was incredibly frustrating and I lost it more often than I care to remember. If you can - back off - just let her read when she wants to, don't correct her too much. And read to her as much as possible and show her it is fun. Don't make her read (she will be doing that at school anyway).

She will get it when she is ready and nothing much you do will speed it up (IME).

My DS finally really got it towards the end of Yr1 and now at 9 reads a lot for pleasure.

IndigoBell · 11/05/2011 14:49

ScatterCushion - your DD isn't even 5 yet. It's a terrible thing to not be able to read, and no one can say for certain if or when your DD will pick it up. But the odds are extraordinarily in her favour. Decent schools get 95% of their kids to read by the end of Y2 easily.

Does she know the sound each letter makes? If not I think you should talk to her teacher. If yes I think you don't need to worry yet. (Although I think you should still talk to her teacher to put your mind at ease)

I would certainly worry if she struggled with 3 letter words at the start of Y2. which is a year and a half away.

Original poster

scattercushion · 11/05/2011 14:52

Thanks, IndigoBell. She is very hit and miss about the sound each letter makes - forgets and remembers seemingly randomly. I nudge her with the phonic action and she remembers but not when she looks at the letter on the page...

A year and a half is a comfortingly long time away.

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IndigoBell · 11/05/2011 14:54

Either don't start reading with her till she is really comfortable with all the letters.

Or just work on S A T P I N. When she is comfortable with them try to get her to read just words containing those letters:

But if she doesn't know all her letters of course she isn't going to be able to read yet.......

And def don't teach her sight words like 'the' which are hard......

bigbuttons · 11/05/2011 15:03

When i get frustrated with dd, when I can't comprehend how she can not recognise the bloody word from one page to the next, when it is repeated on every page in the book and she still forgets this is what I do:
I immediately imagine what I would feel like if I were learning say Arabic or Chinese. When everything is strange looking and all looks like loads of indecipherable scribble and from one page to the next I try and remember the same funny scribble that was on the age before, trying to find some that match. That is how it looks to our children as they are learning . Some children make sense of it quickly, some take longer.
so next time you feel yourself getting het up, remember the strange language scribble thing. It might help to calm you.

sarahfreck · 11/05/2011 15:04

I agree with IndigoBell about making sure she is secure with all the basic phonic sounds. If she is insecure with these, she is going to find decoding words in a reading book very hard!

ponyprincess · 11/05/2011 15:07

It is not easy and she is still little. Have you tried reading the book too her first? I found with my dd that at first she also was focusing so much on the struggle to sound out each letter, I think she did not have left to register
what it all mean, remember the same word again, or appreciate the fun of reading a story! Reading through it first did help...at least sometimes!

pantaloons · 11/05/2011 15:11

Maybe you could try coming from a different angle. We bought the Jolly Phonics Song book for DS when he was struggling. He'd sit with the book and listen to the songs or we'd just have it on in the car, but it did seem to filter through.

He's 6 and in yr 1 now and in the top reading group in his class, but I honestly thought he would never learn to read. I don't mind admitting I have been where you are and just had to walk off. The one time I particularly remember is when he read "Floppy Floppy". The last 2 words in the book were floppy Floppy. He sounded out the first floppy, then said "floppy". Eureka I thought, he's finally getting it. But then he had no clue at all what the second Floppy was, I mean he sounded it out again and again, guessed different words. But no. Nothing, nada. It is hugely frustrating, but it really does just click and he seemed to do so overnight.

Good luck and deep breaths!

Original poster

scattercushion · 11/05/2011 15:50

Yes, Pantaloons - I remember Floppy floppy all too well!
Bigbuttons - or imagine me trying to sort out a computer problem. I just look blankly at the screen and think 'brucken' whilst dh says 'just play around with it and you'll work it out.'

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IndigoBell · 11/05/2011 15:54

Ok, if she's bringing home Floppy, floppy then she is not bringing home decodeable texts.

'Floppy' is a very hard word to sound out!

They are almost certainly teaching her phonics at school and then sending home old 'look and guess' books.

So this is a huge part of the problem. Don't worry about DD not reading yet. Take a huge breath. Don't read those books with her - they are far too hard for her. And smile sweetly at the teacher when she asks why you aren't reading with her.... Or ask the teacher to send home decodeable books instead....

roadkillbunny · 11/05/2011 15:58

I know how you feel, I could have almost written this myself this time last year although dd has some mild SEN due to speech issues that have a knock on effect with her reading.
It was awful, dd would get upset and frustrated and I would get upset and frustrated and we on occasion had joint paddys! After I had lost it for the second (and final) time dd and I sat down for a chat, I explained that I was very wrong for losing my patience with her and that I could tell she was trying her best and that Mummy was not born to be a teacher! We agreed that if she felt I was getting frustrated she was to say 'Mummy, I am the child, you are the Mummy and I am trying hard' while wagging her finger at me, the idea of this made us both laugh and she never needed to actually do it as we were talking about how each of us felt and that helped a great deal.
It was agreed not long after with school that all pressure was going to be removed while she built up her confidence, school put her on a pure phonics scheme (floppy's phonics) at a level she could read with ease (1+) and unless she asked we didn't do any reading at home.
Fast forward a year and dd is doing very very well, the plan worked well and she went into Y1 in September ready to get back to nightly reading and she has made good solid progress since then, she spent most of the Eater holidays with her head in a book and to my delight I have had to tell her several times that she needs to put her book away and go to sleep! She is still a little behind the average for her age (she is 6 this month and on ORT 4 although almost ready to move up) but as I said she has some mild SEN although the impact to her reading is getting less and less, she is just starting to click with reading, it can happen later for some then others, I struggled myself until late in Y2 when something switched on in my brain and I went from struggling to reading every book in the infant library and more then half of the junior library by the end of Y2! My sibling where the same and all of us are quite academic (although I have never learnt to spell very well lol!) I think I would only start to worry if it got to Y3 and it was still not getting there.
I would recommend doing what we did and just removing all pressure, talk to her teacher and see what they think and also talk to your dd and see what she thinks, all the best.

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