I lost it trying to help dd to read - feel awful

[scattercushion]

Feel so bad - dd is in reception, one of the youngest in her class, and is struggling with reading. Thing is, I'm also struggling with helping her! I get so impatient because day after day we are back at square one, she does not seem to recognise letters, let alone words, and every one is sounded out. Turn over the page - the same sentence is repeated and we have to start from scratch. No recognition that we have just read it.

I know that one day it will just click but I can't bear it, it's like pulling teeth. I feel like tearing my hair out and this morning I actually threw the book across the room and stomped upstairs I was so fed up. She started crying. I apologised profusely and she seemed ok but I feel so guilty. I am a monster. I'm scared I'm going to make her phobic or have low self-esteem. Oh I feel awful.

Deep breath, cuddle daughter!

Is is hard. I help to read in a Reception class and there are many children who are in the same stage as your DD, so dont think she is "behind" or anything like that.

Just a suggestion but how about some DVDs for sounds? My two love this (but it is american an you need to be able to play US dvds...)

www.amazon.co.uk/Letter-Factory-DVD-Region-NTSC/dp/B001TKUXUC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1305144037&sr=8-1

and they also love this from the BBC

www.amazon.co.uk/Fun-Phonics-Letters-Sounds-Watch/dp/1406644862/ref=sr_1_cc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1305144183&sr=1-1-catcorr

Take a break. Come back to it in a few days and maybe look at the pictures more than the words for a while

Honestly I'd leave it, she's not ready - leave it to the school to teach her, wait until she's started learning and retaining.

Mine didn't learn until the were 5.5 and then flew up and caught up within 6 months.

I still shudder at the memory of Doing Reading with DD1 in reception. And Y1. Unbearable. The urge to bellow YOU READ THAT A MINUTE AGO YOU IDIOT CHILD HOW CAN YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN would be surging up.

She is now 10 and is quite remarkably good at reading.

Echo all the posters who are saying stop and take the pressure off both of you. She is not ready and will only dig her heels in if forced. Talk to the teacher again and tell her you are going to back off for a while. Then get lots of lovely library books and keep reading to her. You will get back to that lovely snuggly reading together feeling.
One day she will want to do it herself.
Chin up!

My DD1 now aged 9yrs old can read very well and loves reading everything. But she was a youngster when she started reception (June birthday) and she did not really 'click' reading until 7yrs old.
We then found out that she had trouble with close vision and the delay was because the words were going blurry.

The optician said that it was a muscle problem and could not be rectified with glasses. So she had eye exercises to do each day and when reading she had to cover one eye and then from then on there was no stopping her.

I think we do reading too early in the UK. In most Scandanavian countries they don't start proper school until 7yrs old.
She will get there in her own time.

Yes, to add to Ripeberry. We also found out that ds had a problem with his eyes (pursuits and saccades) that made reading very difficult and tiring. It was an issue that is fairly common in younger kids and self-corrects most of the time as they get older. If not, there are exercises to improve it.

Is there anyone else who can take some of the pressure off you to do the reading with her some of the time so you both might feel more positive about it? (grandparent/partner/friend?)

My dh (who's a sahd, and ordinarily much calmer and more patient than me) kept getting frustrated with dd when she started learning to read (July-born, bit prem - only just about ready for school at all) and dd got increasingly upset. In the end we decided he wouldn't read with her at all & I'd do it whenever I was back from work in time. Because she'd become resistant to even trying, I read to her without expecting her to read any at all for quite a while. Gradually she read certain words (e.g. 'at'), then we took it in turns for words, then for sentences, then 2, etc. It did take a while...

When I was reading with her I wasn't thinking about her learning to read (as in technically how to) but about her learning about reading - that it's fun - I always genuinely felt excited at the thought of how much she would enjoy being able to do it for herself one day, and I think that couldn't help but come across to her. Even though that day seemed a long way off to me at the time!

Overnight it clicked (actually, literally - one night she read the whole of one of those awful Rainbow fairies books that someone had bought her, before that it was all still a struggle) and she absolutely loves reading now (and has thankfully moved on from the Rainbow fairies!).

Good luck - and fwiw I think the analogy with potty training someone made is spot on (she eventually got that too, although not til yr 1...)

The urge to bellow YOU READ THAT A MINUTE AGO YOU IDIOT CHILD HOW CAN YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN would be surging up.

that is the feeling I remember. You know they are bright and yet they don't realise the word they are struggling with is the one they just read !

With hindsight I am now much more of the opinion of not making them read at all - just read to them, and help them when they ask for it when they read themselves, listen when they ask etc. They will do it when it is relevant to them.

Problem is I keep getting notes in dds book reminding me please to sign when she has read to me. I hadn't been signing because there had been no reading. I'm not going to write a comment everytime I read her a book.

Also got arsey comment along the same lines in ds2s book because apparently I need to show them he has read it to me before they'll change his book. They are such simple booooriiiiiing books and hes been reading me other stuff instead. If they need to know are they incapable of asking him.

I never had this problem at the old school with ds1. I saw his teacher and told her he hated the books I hated them too so we were reading other things. She said that was absolutely fine and he flew. They really don't make an effort to make learning to read fun with the reading books that are around

Yes, I totally relate to MI's post too! One of my sons was slow to read and I felt all the worse about it as his twin had picked it up by osmosis before even starting school and was getting many plaudits from the school. Seemed so unfair and worrying at the time. Interestingly my slower starter is currently doing better than his twin in every subject. Many factors at work to explain that but I honestly believe that getting the message that learning is an effortless process at that early age was bad for my lazybones boy. Whereas his twin knows from experience that application and effort and not giving up will lead to success.

Whether they are "bright" or not (and mine are very varied on that), I think it's vital not to get stressed at them, however hard that is. This is only the beginning of years of helping with homework etc, and it doesn't always get easier to be patient. I had to bite my tongue this week when 11yo seemed incapable of learning or remembering her 9x table. If your children aren't all totally amazingly academic, it's worth practising that walking away and calming down skill.

I used to write int he reading book "X didn't want to read tonight so we didn't" or "X got upset about homework so we left it". Our teachers were always fine with that, most teachers will appreciate a parent who's bothered about education, once you give them that idea about yourself, you can get away with not doing the bits you don't want to do.

I also think it's fine to not read with her too, I think it's better to read her reading books to her for a while, asking every now and then if "she wants to have a go at that one" and with a big high five if she gets it right and a cuddle if she gets upset and a reassurance that she doesn't need to worry.

Sounds to me like worry about "performance" is stopping her relaxing and learning.

I think reading rotas in school help with this. Other parents are so great, there's just no pressure at all. There's no teacher pressure and no mum pressure, just read if you can, and help if you can't.

Fear of failure seriously affects learning and concentration.

The 'word recognition' readng practice of the ORT / Biff and Chip systems really does not suit some children. DS hated 'go for it and guess' because he was anxious about getting it wrong.
But giving the an overview of the story and equipping them to succeed by readong the story / page to them first is the best way to succeed with word recognition. Sounding out is for phinics. DS picked up reading almost instantly once they fcussed on pure phonics and the anxiety of getting it wrong through word recognition was alleviated.

wow thanks everyone great suggestions. I am going to have a cup of camomile tea and read a book to dd.

You might like to take print out and take the following new government guidelines re. decodable books into school, scattercushion:

'(E)nsure that as pupils move through the early stages of acquiring phonics, they are invited to practise by reading texts which are entirely decodable for them, so that they experience success and learn to rely on phonemic strategies. It is important that texts are of the appropriate level for children to apply and practise the phonic knowledge and skills that they have learnt. Children should not be expected to use strategies such as whole-word recognition and/or cues from context, grammar, or pictures.'
dfe.gov.uk/schools/teachingandlearning/pedagogy/teachingstyles/phonics/a0010240/criteria-for-assuring-high-quality-phonic-work'

Good material to read to someone who is still not recognising letters is poetry. It's also nice to sing together, listening to songs and trying to learn them by ear. It helps increase awareness of sounds, which is a precursor to dealing with phonics. Clapping along with music or following the rhythm in some other way is also a good idea, as is clapping or tapping along with the rhythm of a poem (pick a poem like A. A. Milne's 'The more it snows (tiddly pom)/ The more it goes (tiddly pom)/ The more it goes (tiddly pom)/ On snowing')

Selection of A.A. Milne poetry here

Another who would recommend just 'teaching' her to enjoy reading, by reading to her. Point to the words if you like, or not, but just make it an enjoyable experience for her.

scattercushion - you're fine. You didn't throw the book at her. You're not awful! Better to get your feelings out than to bottle them in and smile - kids are very good at picking up non verbal cues and repressed anger. (I wouldn't do it every day though).

Now for your own sanity go and look up some fun books to read together and it will click with your DD eventually. She's reception age - that's still very young! I stick to the stuff I enjoy as reading Jolly Phonics and specially "designed" books does my head in. Having got through Thomas the Tank Engine, Peppa Pig and Kipper, pre-reception age DS can now read a bit (although I'm still convinced he's only memorising it)....but it's still early days.

If you wanted to get some totally phonic books to read with her ( and gradually get her to read, these www.thebookpeople.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/qs_product_tbp?storeId=10001&catalogId=10051&langId=100&productId=218821 and these www.redhouse.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product_10151_18251_184018_100_25601_25601_category_25601 are good value and the early ones in both series are easy to decode.
I don't hink it is essential to do this by the way, more important to enjoy books together as others have said and find fun ways of slowly reinfircing the basic phonic sounds.

I feel so sad reading this.
OP just write in your child's readng book that you have read x y z TO her because she is not ready to read by herself. Write that you have enjoyed reading x y and z to her (fairy stories, funny picture books, whatever write the title, and READ them to her, she will be proud to have something in her book.) Atm you are teaching her that reading is a task not a pleasure. The school wants to help by sending reading scheme books, if it is not helping I'm sure they will be happy for you just to read with her...Don't be frightened and think you have to do what they say, just because that is the "system".
Library, charity shops all have wonderful free/cheap books to encourage her.

They send out reading scheme books to help parents who might otherwise never have a book in the house to read to their children.

They don't suit everyone, that is not to say that some children will not find them useful.

P.S. sing lots of nursery rhymes too and read nursery rhyme books together, that really helps, or any rhyming text...

Bronze, if school are keen for you to read even though as a parent you have decided to have a break, can't you just lie??! Put a note in her reading diary saying "lovely reading Bronze Junior!" Maybe read the book to her and get her to read 1 or 2 words so that if they ask her she won't get you in trouble!

Might be a bit more tricky for your older DC but just a thought.

go to the library and get lots of books that she chooses and just read those - and for the time being ignore the books from school. Put a note in the reading record that is what you are doing.

Mine loved the Kipper (the dog not the reading scheme) books at that stage, and Jez Alborough, and Julia Donaldson.

Reading those with her - discussing the rhythm and the rhymes and pictures is fine. Try and enjoy it (wish I had done the same with DS1 - had learnt my less by the time of DS2 and 3 thankfully).

I think that there is a BBC website with games which helps children with letter recognition, don't know what it is called .... maybe somebody else on here knows?

Throckenholt - what if yours loved kipper the fish - now I would be impressed.

I will chill chill chill - and not be bullied into forcing dd when it's not coming. Think we will make a little book together based on the letters s a t p i n - probably about a girl who sat on a pin! She loves rhymes too so will work those in.

I know I do feel the teachers think somehow it's up to me and if I can't get her to read then it's my problem - which is palpably not the case, and counter-productive actually. See - I'm showing how switched on I am by using 'palpably' and 'counter-productive'.

I really like your "girl who sat on a pin" idea!
Was it a tin pin?
did it put her in a spin?