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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Boys and girls at birthday parties?

67 replies

SarkyLady · 04/04/2011 14:14

DS1 (age 5, year1) is mostly friends with girls.

I recently heard one of his friends telling him that he isn't invited to her party as her mum said she could only invite girls.

Is this common? I'm a bit shocked (and sad) to be honest.

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Loolah · 04/04/2011 14:20

DD1 (Yr2) decided she wanted a girls only party although she has friends that are boys, I think as they get older they prefer to stay away from the opposite sex

blackeyedsusan · 04/04/2011 14:21

quite common I think. shame though. playground politics are tricky

Flyonthewindscreen · 04/04/2011 14:21

My DS (age 9) hasn't had girls at his birthday parties since he was 7 and DD (age 7) hasn't had boys at hers since she was 6. But that was their choice and I wouldn't have insisted on same sex parties. Age 5 parties were generally mixed as far as I remember. Perhaps this girl's mother has her heart set on an uber girly princess party or similar and thinks your DS would feel daft? It does seem a shame for your DS if this is one of his good friends, but at least you can tell him it isn't personal, its just not a party for boys?

innertiger · 04/04/2011 14:26

what a shame! My DS had mixed parties until about Y3 when it became small groups to the cinema type thing, and he just want 6 of his closest friends, who were by that stage all boys.
We had some mothers at our school, who only had daughters and were horrified of boys!! Quite ironic really as one who was particularly snotty about boys, has a DS3 now who is wild and her DD1 is not very pleasant either.

There is not much you can do as this kind of stuff goes on for years...the politics of parties and friendships!!

MrsBrollyhook · 04/04/2011 14:31

At the beginning of my DD1s reception most parties were mixed, but by the time her party came round in June and she wanted just girls, same sex friendships were more established.

Now in yr1 it's definitely usually same sex - ie. all the girls in the class for a girls birthday. Suppose it draws the line is a fair(ish) way.

Hadn't thought much about it before, but DD1 has never played with boys. My DD2 nearly 4 will have a mixed party and I can't see this changing in a hurry as she likes boys and girls.

Original poster

SarkyLady · 04/04/2011 14:33

I don't mind if it is the kids themselves wanting to stay away from the opposite sex. I didn't play with boys at that age :)

TBH this explains a lot. This year he has only had 2 party intivitations and they are from boys whose parents I know well.
I've had similar problems trying to set up play dates. Again it didn't occur to me that this was a gender thing.

I'm gutted for him tbh.

Help me understand why a mum would encourage her daughter to only play with girls...

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jeee · 04/04/2011 14:35

It can be a simple way to limit numbers - I did this for DD1 and DS after reception, which was fine for them, given that they didn't really talk to members of the opposite sex.

OTOH my DD2 tends to play with boys rather girls. She has been invited to most of the boys parties, but completely accepts that sometimes the boys do have male only parties, and that she probably won't get an invite to them. In fact she has quite often been the token female at parties. I suspect, however, that when she goes up to the junior school next year she will no longer be invited to the boys parties.

Original poster

SarkyLady · 04/04/2011 14:35

And wtf to I do about his party?

If he chose the list it would just be all the girls :)

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Original poster

SarkyLady · 04/04/2011 14:36

jeee - I think this is what happened in this case. I think the mum wanted to limit numbers.

just seems unfair on the few boys like DS1.

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wineclub · 04/04/2011 14:40

When its his party you can invite all the girls.

What you can't do is invite 11 out of 13 girls.

Probably what is happening is the girl has told her mother she wants all but a couple of the girls and a few boys, the mother thinks its unfair to exclude a very small number of girls so tell her dd she must invite all the girls, then to keep down cost, or if space is a problem, the boys are struck off.

squidgy12 · 04/04/2011 14:44

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squidgy12 · 04/04/2011 14:44

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Original poster

SarkyLady · 04/04/2011 14:47

wineclub
sorry i wasn't clear. I meant he would invite ONLY girls. Not ALL the girls.
Likewise the other girl's party was a small group of girls. She wasn't inviting ALL the girls.

FWIW I think it is very unfair to 'strike off' a couple of boys that a child wants to invite for the reasons you suggest. If you have to exclude a couple of children for numbers reasons, why on earth is it better to choose on the basis of gender rather than on the basis of actual friendship.

I had no idea that gender was so important to some parents.

Makes me very sad tbh.

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exoticfruits · 04/04/2011 14:55

I just let them decide who to invite and there is no need to invite back those whose parties they went to. If he isn't invited it is no big deal-he can invite girls to his party.

Original poster

SarkyLady · 04/04/2011 14:57

The more I think about this the more annoyed I am getting.

Might parents really be striking my son off a party list because he is a boy?
Really?

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Original poster

SarkyLady · 04/04/2011 14:58

"If he isn't invited it is no big deal"

It is to him

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exoticfruits · 04/04/2011 15:28

I am so glad mine are older-parties are a minefield these days! It used to be simple-people didn't have expectations. You can't influence other people's decisions so there is no point in getting upset.

exoticfruits · 04/04/2011 15:29

Mothers want to control everything these days-and they can't!

Original poster

SarkyLady · 04/04/2011 16:04

Not sure who you are having a go at there?

I don't want to control anything.
I'm just trying to understand what is happening so that I can avoid my son getting upset.

My son finds friendships very hard :(

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exoticfruits · 04/04/2011 16:16

I'm not having a go. It is hard, you just have to help your DS by getting over disappointments. It would be nice if he was invited, but he isn't and girls often want just girls-it doesn't mean that he can't continue the friendship.

Acinonyx · 04/04/2011 16:21

I did this in reception to limit the number. Dd insisted she wanted a party at home . If I could persuade her to have it somewhere bigger we could invite the boys too. I think this is common strategy where most of the friends tend to be the same sex. Last time, I had 2 of the boys round for a separate tea the next day.

Original poster

SarkyLady · 04/04/2011 16:22

Exactly my point. This is why I posted.

I'm trying to figure out if his lack of invites this year is (partly) a gender issue, or if it is just that his 'friends' don't like him very much :(

Until this happened it hadn't occurred to me that gender had anything to do with this.

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wineclub · 04/04/2011 16:31

"sorry i wasn't clear. I meant he would invite ONLY girls. Not ALL the girls."

Children do tend to catagorise themselves along gender lines so it is disproportionately upsetting if all but 1 or 2 of the girls/boys are invited. For this reason lots of parents invite all the boys/girls unless there is going to be a significant number, like a third, not invited. Its mean to invite 14 out of 15 girls from a class, even if technically only 14 out of 30 in the class are invited, but its OK to ask 10 out of 15. This is why people end up inviting people who they aren't really friends with. Its only really when they are very small. I think if his friend isn't inviting all the girls then its odd to exclude him because he is a boy.

DeWe · 04/04/2011 16:43

I can see in his case that it's difficult, but I have used that excuse for my girls. Dd2 thinks everyone is her best friend and if we put everyone on the list we'd get more than 50 when we're looking for 15 at the outside.
She would have about 3-4 "must" invite (all girls) then the rest would be very difficult to choose between as she plays with them all equally, so I have decided to limit her field of choosing.

Also having had small numbers of boys at other time, it can add to cost, if basically you're having a very girlie party you can end up feeling it's necessary to buy a packet of boys party bag etc. for one boy only.

Dd2 came home very indignant in Yr R because she hadn't been invited to a bowling party because she wouldn't be able to bowl as she only has one hand. Her indignation was entirely that she could bowl, not that she hadn't been invited. She wasn't particularly friendly with the girl in question so wouldn't have expected an invitation.

MrsBrollyhook · 04/04/2011 16:50

The parents of a girl in my DD's class told me that she wanted to invite all the girls and just 1 boy to her party. Instead of striking him off the list they encouraged her to think of a few more boys to invite so that the 1 boy didn't feel the odd one out.

I expect this mother thought your DS would feel left out being the only boy - I'd like to think this was the reason, and she'd not realise how left out he'd feel to be excluded.

I suppose the only thing you can do is keep on inviting children for playdates to keep building the friendships and to invite exactly who your DS wants to his party.

My DD finds friendships difficult too so I sympathise - playdates are my strategy too, to hopefully build strong friendships.

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