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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Boys and girls at birthday parties?

67 replies

SarkyLady · 04/04/2011 14:14

DS1 (age 5, year1) is mostly friends with girls.

I recently heard one of his friends telling him that he isn't invited to her party as her mum said she could only invite girls.

Is this common? I'm a bit shocked (and sad) to be honest.

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PaisleyLeaf · 04/04/2011 20:06

So he hasn't actually been excluded from a party by a close friend because he's a boy then?

Could he have maybe not been invited because she chose her close friends?
I can see it would be easier for the little girl to say 'I'm only having girls' and put the onus on her mum than have to explain who her best friends are.

Original poster

SarkyLady · 04/04/2011 20:17

Of course that is possible.

OP posts:

crazygracieuk · 04/04/2011 20:21

Some theories...

Gender might be an issue.

Ds1 is not very confident and has been invited to girls parties but there have always been at least one other boy. For some on these I suspect that he was invited to keep the token boy company.

Dd is very confident and has been invited to boys parties but when the mums give me the invitation, they warned me that she was the only girl.

The mums may have assumed that your ds wouldn't want to go to a girly party so think that they are doing you a favour.

Numbers are limited and may include friends from out of school, family or children of the mum's friends. The mum mau have prioritised children who have invited their dd to a party.

Overthinking this will do your head it so try not to.

Original poster

SarkyLady · 04/04/2011 20:23

Crazy. You are also very wise.

I think I have got what I needed from this thread.
Bye all. :)

OP posts:

crazygracieuk · 04/04/2011 22:24

Sarky- not wise, I'm a mum of 3 and have 3 siblings so lots of experience with parties.

annoyingdevil · 04/04/2011 22:28

Are you sure it's not the children themselves deciding not to invite one gender?

DD had both boys and girls to her 6th party on Saturday. However, I'm quite sure that reception aged DS will only have boys at his party as he 'doesn't like girls'

bumpandisaacsmum · 04/04/2011 23:04

My DS (yr1) is in a similar situation, he largely plays with girls and other year groups when in the playground.

I think it is largely play-ground politics; it is difficult to guess at what other parents/children are thinking and the way in which they are choosing who to invite to their party. The only way you will find out why he hasn't been invited is to talk to the parents involved. Maybe getting to know the parents better in the playground during drop off/pick up and play-dates after school may be more helpful in encouraging his friendships.

It is difficult to get a 5/6yr old to understand the politics but if you discuss it with him in a way that shows him that it isn't personal it will ensure his confidence and friendship isn't damaged. It may seem like a big deal to him at the moment but it will soon be in the past forgotten.

Good luck x

DownyEmerald · 05/04/2011 21:29

When I was stressing thinking about dd's party I couldn't face the whole class - 29. So I said no year 1s (its a mixed R/Y1) group. When I asked dd who she wanted she said all the girls except for one of them. So I felt I couldn't leave her out so invited all the girls (11). At that stage I was thinking about crafty things for the party and decided on beads.

But then sanity dawned: a) one of dd's fave people in her class is a boy, b) she had been to a couple of boys parties in playgroup that I wanted to reciprocate c) some of the girls in her class aren't that girly and I wasn't sure they would want to do beads. So I got some more crafty things that were unisex/boyish. And invited about 6 boys.

And actually, although dd is a girly girl, it would have felt very odd to me (as not a girly girl) just to have girls.

But - it was extra hassle. I had to get different crafty things, different things for party bags, I ended up with more kids than I had originally hoped for. And tbh I find the whole party thing very stressful, and spend ages thinking about it and worrying, and I can see that it is easier maybe to just do one sex. Especially if you have a dd who wants a "princess party". Actually I found having the boys useful at resisting all things princessy!

thinkingkindly · 06/04/2011 10:25

Downy, you are right. It is extra hassle, which is another reason why I didn't invite a boy to our princess-pink-girl party. It's hard enough looking after the shy ones and the socially inept mothers without having to fret about boy stuff as well. The mother of the football party DD was invited to said she didn't know what she was going to do with the girls as they had to be on the football field for an hour!

Sarky may get irritated that another mother is making assumptions about her son not liking girly stuff, but I think she is wrong. I do not know any boys who like princess stuff or really girly crafts! And I don't want to have to organise a different sort of party to accommodate one child - I want to do exactly what is most fun for my DD. If she wanted all the boys, then I would invite them. But she doesn't!

In the end, you have to do what your dc wants and what is relatively easy. Other mother's needs for their dcs can't really come into it in a big way!

ragged · 06/04/2011 10:52

Hate to tell you this, OP, but it's only going to get worse: sleepovers become the big thing from about Yr3 forwards, and for obvious reasons sleepovers tend to be single gender.

skybluepearl · 06/04/2011 19:18

my son in year 3 has always had mixed parties of about 12 children. I think it's quite uncommon as parties tend to be single sex at this stage but he has always got on well with both boys and girls.

pancakesfortea · 06/04/2011 20:55

Thinkingkindly - my son likes making jewellery. I think he'd draw the line at princesses, but I know plenty of boys who enjoy "girly" crafts.

It's never been an issue in our (year 1) class though. Parties are very rarely split on gender lines. Maybe next year....

elliott · 06/04/2011 21:07

Sarky lady I've had this issue to and tbh I am very saddened by the idea that it is ok to exclude someone on gender grounds. My ds2 (who is 7) has a several friends who are girls, who have happily been here to play and vice versa, and then this year he was excluded from one of his friend's parties simply because it was an 'all girls' party (not ALL the girls i should clarify). i would not expect the party to be modified to suit peoples preconceptions of what a boy can and cannot do tbh (it was a jewellery party, ds2 would have had a great time), but I find the unthinking prejudice very sad. Particularly since i think it actually comes from the mothers - ds2 was told that he wasn't invited because he was a boy and this friend wasn't allowed to invite boys to the party! I would never insist that girls were banned from my children's parties purely on the grounds of gender. That way lies madness in my view.

I've never done that gender specific party bag thing either.

Cathycat · 06/04/2011 21:50

I only invited girls to dd's party. I couldn't afford the whole class, had to split it in half and did it the least offending way - by just inviting the girls.

Cathycat · 06/04/2011 21:52

Must also add that I have nothing against boys - I have 3. It was all down to economics.

elliott · 06/04/2011 22:05

Cathycat, what I do is tell my dcs that they can have x number of guests and they choose them. Ds1 has chosen all boys recently, ds2 about half and half. I wouldn't dream of setting some arbitrary criterion that had nothing to do with their relationship with my child. We all have to set limits, but I just don't understand why exclusion by gender is seen as acceptable. We wouldn't do it on other arbitrary characteristics of the children would we?

Cathycat · 06/04/2011 22:18

My daughter did just want girls anyway. My daughter hasn't made a big fuss about invites and is sensible. The boys probably don't even know. But if they do, my daughter can say "I could only invite 12 so I invited the girls" then they know (and parents should realise!) that it is nothing personal. My daughter has not been invited to some boys parties I'm sure (in fact I don't know!) but well, that is life.

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