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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

sad for dd after parents' evening

58 replies

gramercy · 11/02/2011 13:54

Dd is 7 and in year 3

Went tripping in to parents' evening yesterday. Dd is academically quite able so I wasn't feeling particularly apprehensive.

The teacher sat back and was off. Dd is immature, dd has an irritating habit of wringing her hands, dd's voice is so tiny she can't hear her answer the register... I was and dh was but we sat there not saying too much. I pointed out that dd is the youngest in the year and has always been paralysed with shyness, such that when she recently spoke a line in assembly I had a lump in my throat as I knew that was a monumental act of bravery for her.

Now I appreciate that teachers don't like every pupil, and that poor old dd wasn't in the front row when poise and beauty were handed out, but she enjoys school and for me to be told she's "immature" because she's a bit of a mouse is quite upsetting.

Don't know what I'm asking, really, except for a bit of sympathy.

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TheVisitor · 11/02/2011 13:55

The teacher sounds intolerant. Did she not say anything positive?

mistressploppy · 11/02/2011 13:57

Oh, that's made me really sad . Poor you and DD. The teacher sounds like a bit of an insensitive lout.

Original poster

gramercy · 11/02/2011 13:58

She did say that dd is beyond the rest of the class in English, but even that was not said very enthusiastically. She gave a long list of the things she couldn't do, and said that her writing showed "immaturity".

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 11/02/2011 13:58

The teacher sounds horrid. Why is she commenting on your DD's hand-wringing? I don't see how that is relevant at all.

I would ask to see the teacher again another day, and ask for some proper feedback.

SenoritaViva · 11/02/2011 13:59

I would approach her and ask her how she proposes to help DD's self esteem since she sees it as such a problem. Throw it back at her...

Poor DD.

Ooopsadaisy · 11/02/2011 14:00

Is that all the teacher had to say?

If so, it is incredibly non-constructive.

Ok, so she's quiet, shy and young ..... and .....????????

I would be fuming.

Parents' Evening is about moving forward and thinking positive.

Where are the goals? Where is the encouragement?

Original poster

gramercy · 11/02/2011 14:03

It just seemed clear that the teacher thought she was irritating. I've never come across this before - ds usually manages to be teacher's pet!

Because dd is so shy often people think she's rude and grumpy as her head goes down when they speak. She used to be a terrible thumb-sucker, but evidently this has been replaced with hand-wringing at school which is getting on the teacher's nerves.

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mustdash · 11/02/2011 14:06

I would be furious. That isn't just unpleasant, it is not constructive in any way.

Is there any way you could go back and ask for a more positive meeting? I'm asking in the knowledge that I couldn't, by the way.

Loads of cuddles for dd I think.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 11/02/2011 14:07

She sounds really bloody awful - if you have another Y3 class at your school I'd be getting her moved, it's not going to help her shyness/confidence one bit being in her class.

If you don't have another Y3 class I'd even look at swapping schools.

I would not want my daughter spending all day, every day with this woman, not at all.

YeahBut · 11/02/2011 14:07

Very often in situations like this (and we've had a few), I find it helps to bear in mind that not all teachers are good teachers. Not all teachers like children very much.

I would say that it sounds very much like the teacher's problem rather than your DDs. I would only take notice if it seems that it is having an impact on how your DD feels about school.
I absolutely second the suggestion that you push back some of that responsibility to the school. OK, she's shy in class so how do they plan to build her confidence? Her handwriting needs to improve so what strategies do they propose to put in place to help her work on this? Seriously, push back a bit.

feedmenow · 11/02/2011 14:10

If this was me I would be having a meeting with the teacher and the head teacher.

Teacher sounds down right rude and innappropriate to me.

everlong · 11/02/2011 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamsnet · 11/02/2011 14:12

Shocking... And very sad to think that her teacher has simply decided not to like her and not to try..

I'm sure you at home are doing all sorts to help her long term.. If she is at school all day it is their JOB to help too.. This attitude sounds anything but helpful.

Go back and ask for that help and also ask for a regular assessment.. if you don't see any improvement in a month or two, I would ask to speak to the Head and consider a move.

Pancakeflipper · 11/02/2011 14:14

I think I might be tempted to have another meeting with this teacher and say you know your DD struggles with shyness but you expect the teacher to encourage her and from your meeting of negativity you are concerned....

Give her another chance to explain incase teacher had a bad day but she really gives you nothing to work on.

My 6 yr old boy is the quiet one in his class but his teacher doesn't see this as a negative but a positive. She knows he has a great sense humour and happy to talk about subjects he loves and encourages him - had him telling jokes in the school talent show.

Original poster

gramercy · 11/02/2011 14:35

My instinct is to gather up dd and run off and emigrate! However, back in the real world I shall just have to suck it up and hope that the teacher's vibes don't filter through to dd.

Dh and I certainly made sure we had no audible post mortem, as I definitely don't want dd to feel any ill-will towards the teacher.

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2pinkmonkeys · 11/02/2011 14:59

thats awful of the teacher i would be fuming if that was my dd.
so what if she is imature, she is the youngest in the year. she should being picking up on the positives like how great it is that your dd is so far ahead for english especialy since she is the youngest!

it seems like the teacher has developed a personal dislike for your dd which is totaly unprofessional and she is picking on totaly irrelovant things like the hand wringing, what does that have to do with her school work?

i would speak to the head about what was said at parents evening and see if they think that its apropriate that a teachers personal dislike of a pupil has been reflected in their acount to parents of their school work.

freshmint · 11/02/2011 15:04

I would ask to have a meeting with the head and the teacher together.
I think you should say you are concerned that nothing constructive was said, that there were constant complaints about immaturity in a girl who is almost a year younger than some of her peers and that the report was so completely different from what has been said about her in previous years that you think it merits (a) discussion and (b) consideration about what is going to be done to deal with any issues.

I reckon the teacher is bound to be more constructive in front of the head and will know she is being watched. Which would be a good thing.

Poor dd! She sounds lovely.

Miggsie · 11/02/2011 15:08

I'd be wringing my hands if I had to spend all day listening to an old bitter cow like that...talk to the head teacher. If a child is shy the school should be helping not complaining about a 7 yo being "immature".

Original poster

gramercy · 11/02/2011 15:10

I think I will go back to the teacher.

One particularly galling bit (it's all coming back to me now... in the words of Celine Dion) was when she held up a piece of work by another girl and said "Look at this - this is an example of what I am looking for..." I don't give a flying whatsit about other children's work. It didn't really tally up either because then she started almost complaining that she had to have new targets which were only for dd.

I have never been so dumbstruck in a meeting. I spoke to dh at work today and he has been ruminating on it too and is not very happy to say the least.

OP posts:

adamschic · 11/02/2011 15:14

Definitely request a meeting with the teacher and the head. Tell them that you want to follow up on the comments made at parents evening. I can empathise with how you both feel, your poor DD.

I can remember a terrible meeting with a male teacher that I didn't follow up and still, to this day, wished I had. I always went to parents evening alone, no partner. This was yr 4 and the teacher said DD was always tired, I forgot to point out she had had chicken pox in half term, then had an allergic reaction to some tables as he quickly moved on to further negativity saying she was only average and will never be a high flyer!! DD was scared of this guy as he used to shout at the kids until he went red in the face.

A child expert told me that aged 7/8 was a significant development stage and these sort of teacher can cause untold long term damage to a childs self esteem. It's a long time ago for me and this teacher gave up soon after and I still wish I'd reported him. He was totally wrong with his comments, DD ended up an academically 'gifted' pupil later on. He was the only teacher who ever said anything negative in the whole of her school years. Except one in yr 6 that said she seems too afraid to speak up.

Shimmerysilverglitter · 11/02/2011 15:17

Sheesh, I think I would have cried in front of her. Can I ask what kind of school this is because I have an extremely disruptive ASD child who has been at the same school for two years and they ALWAY manage to find something positive to say about him. Your poor dd , I bet she picks up on it you know.

Panzee · 11/02/2011 15:19

I am a teacher and would never talk about any child like this. I always think about where they need to go next and can always come up with something positive to say, because there always is something - no matter how small. If I said this to a parent I would expect a visit from the Head shortly after.

2muchtodo2littletime · 11/02/2011 15:34

OP
The approach that "teacher" took is completely unprofessional.
Showing another child's work to you is very poor. Yes, there are standards that need to be met within a class and she should have relayed where your DD was up to and what you(and the teacher) have to do to try and meet these targets. A praise "sandwich" is necessary - 1 positive comment, 1 neg and then another positive!
Well done your DD for excelling in Literacy, even though she is the youngest - this is excellent!
No wonder she wrings her hands if that cow is any way like this on a day to day basis!
It shouldnt matter if she isnt the prettiest, or the loudest, or the funniest or whatever, she is a child, only 7,and this is not acceptable that you feel like this.

I would ask to speak to the teacher and the head together. Write down what was said ( I tend to forget things in these situations!) during the parents evening that you arent happy with (probably all of it!) and ask what they are going to do about it in school and what you can do at home too. I'm not saying you dont do anything at home but it softens the blow to school without upsetting anyone. After all your poor DD has got until July with this teacher.
Oh and be prepared for the end of term report - it might reflect the parents evening or might be a nice surprise!
Good Luck

Capreece · 11/02/2011 15:36

Completely uncalled for and unprofessional. I second what others have said - book a meeting with this teacher and the Head and demand to know what strategies are going to be implemented. Have your DH there. The school needs to be working with both of you to help build DD's confidence.

You are absolutely within your rights here and if you stay calm and polite (despite the entirely justifiable temptation to boink this cow on the head) then hopefully it will end up being a positive thing for your daughter.

Good luck!

PositiveAttitude · 11/02/2011 15:37

How for your DD. I would certainly go to speak with someone about this.

I had a similar situation a few years ago.
When DD3 was in year 8 she became very unhappy at school and for 6 months she repeatedly told me that the teacher hated her. I placated her with the normal "of course she doesn't hate you, teachers aren't like that!" How I wish i had listened to her. At a parents evening in the summer term I had 10 minutes of the teacher telling me what she didnt like about DD3. Her opening comment was "she is certainly nothing like DD2, is she?" (she had taught DD2 the previous year) She hated DD and made no effort to hide it from me!! I was definitely not being sensitive about this. Some of the things she said were just horrid.
On arrival home I apologised to DD3 and told her she had been right!! I was sooo angry.
The next day I went and met with the year head and told him exactly what I thought and repeated just some of the negative comments I had heard the night before. The teacher was spoken to and things did improve, but I have refused to allow DS or DD4 be in her tutor class in subsequent years.

Go and speak with the year head and talk over your feelings about this. I know teachers are human and cannot like all their pupils, but they should also be professional and put their personal prejudices aside. I could never get away with treating people like this in my job and it can be soooo damaging for a child to feel that she/he is not accepted for who they are.

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