sad for dd after parents' evening

[gramercy]

Dd is 7 and in year 3

Went tripping in to parents' evening yesterday. Dd is academically quite able so I wasn't feeling particularly apprehensive.

The teacher sat back and was off. Dd is immature, dd has an irritating habit of wringing her hands, dd's voice is so tiny she can't hear her answer the register... I was and dh was but we sat there not saying too much. I pointed out that dd is the youngest in the year and has always been paralysed with shyness, such that when she recently spoke a line in assembly I had a lump in my throat as I knew that was a monumental act of bravery for her.

Now I appreciate that teachers don't like every pupil, and that poor old dd wasn't in the front row when poise and beauty were handed out, but she enjoys school and for me to be told she's "immature" because she's a bit of a mouse is quite upsetting.

Don't know what I'm asking, really, except for a bit of sympathy.

I have been in situations when I have been told in a very bad way some not very nice things about DS. And I was heartbroken and I am still not able to forgive the cow for being so tactless (and that was years and years ago).

Having said that, shyness is such an obstacle in life that I would suggest a meeting with teacher and headteacher and ask how they are going to help her come out of her shell.

But, you also have to help her, it is not nice to go through life paralised with shyness, it is cute when they are very young, but it becomes a rather big social handicap in later years. Most children grow out of it on their own, but most children can certainly be helped to grow out of it sooner, which in turn could make their life more enjoyable.

Baby steps, one thing at a time, when she talks to you in a tiny voice ask her in a nice way to use her bigger voice. If she is used to use a bigger voice at home she will soon be using it elsewhere, and one thing will get to another one.

I'm not unsympathetic, just someone wasted most of her childhood to shyness

Your poor DD! I hate when adults describe children as immature, she's 7 fgs, why does she have to be mature? Why does her writing have to be mature? This teacher sounds foul.

You definitely should go to headteacher. Your DD sounds lovely and very sweet, it was very brave of her to say a line in assembly. The teacher should be helping her with her shyness. I'd be wringing my hands too if I had to be taught by such a horrible woman.

Obviously the teacher was really, really blunt and insensitive. I also think she should have made much more of a big deal about how good your dd's english skills are.

I almost want to run away saying this though - is there any chance she was using the word 'immature' in its factual sense - because your dd is really immature (what with being the actual youngest and all)?

I see that, LaurieFairyCake - indeed that's when I said to the teacher that being the youngest she's bound to be less mature - but the teacher definitely seemed to be using the term in the pejorative sense.

I would write everything down in a letter, send it to the headmistress and request a meeting to discuss the letter. Then take a copy of the letter in with me so you can go through it point by point.

I don't think any child deserves to spend the best part of the day under the care of an adult who dislikes them.

Oh gramercy, how upsetting. And unprofessional of the teacher (I am a teacher). I also think you should meet with the teacher again to address your concerns:

1. In what way is your DD 'immature'? Why is it a problem and how does the teacher plan on addressing this?

2. Since the teacher has identified that DD uses such a tiny voice, how will the school help her to feel more confident and speak more audibly?

The teacher sounds unpleasant and mean to me Poor DD. How is she? Does any of this bother her? Is she aware of it?

Yes I agree with previous posters to ask to meet again and turn it on them - you are concerned re teachers comments so what are school doing to help?

Are there any after school clubs your DD could attend eg drama or french to get used to speaking up in a small group or maybe external classes.

Does she do brownies? Good for self esteem I think.

Firstly, was DD there? Did she have to hear this? Lots of praise and cuddles from you if so, poor girl. :(

Please do take it further. I really think you need to speak tot he teacher and the head. Teacher was very unprofessional, and is likely to backtrack on what she said, so make sure yo have written down everything that you recall, as it was said. Ensure DH is there for he meeting too.

Sadly, this can happen, we have all seen it. I'm a secondary school teacher, but have worked as an outreach teacher in primary schools, and have been shocked by the favouritism that can occur. I suppose they do spend all day with the same kids, so any irritations will come to the fore. That said, it is not on, and if your little girl is already shy, could have disastrous implications.

Is there another Y3 class? I really would be looking to remover her from this teacher if at all possible, it is an important age, and not what you want if you are shy and vulnerable anyway.

Good luck. Please do demand a meeting though.

Haven't read all of this, just the OP, but what a bastard of a teacher.

It reminds me of my own experiences. I dreaded parents evenings as the teachers were never very nice about me for similar reasons as your DD. Truth be known I was shy and insecure. They mistook that for stupidity.

I think that teacher was well out of order.

Ds1 who has always been a v good student got a teacher in year 9 who clearly didnt like him and I found his comments rather upsetting too- I was and said perhaps he finds you boring? your not very dynamic for a chemistry teacher are you? in fact im bored just speaking to you ......are you bored? (directed at dh) in fact Im so bored Im not sitting here anymore.

Funnily ds and the teacher got on much better after that and the head of year rang me up 'congratulating' me on whatever Id said as it seemed that the year group were having a much more interesting chemistry lesson.

Dh was very and we havent been to parents evening together since I dont care .

Nickschick - sheer brilliance! Love it !!

I agree the appropriate approach with crappy ineffectual teachers like this(thankfully the distinct minority ime - certainly most of the teachers my children have had thus far have been professional and conscientious) is to cultivate a persona of mildly scary,assertive parent.; a 'don't mess with me or my kith and kin' style. Rather than causing the teacher to penalise your child further, it tends to make them realise they need to be careful about how they approach your child if they don't want to invoke your considerable wrath

So gramercy - see the head and make some noise about it

Don't leave this. Go back into school and ask what will be done to support your child's emotional development.

Year 3 can be a tricky year, children are often moving schools and they are all starting the next KS, expectations may be different. I had a similar situation with a child also the youngest in the class.

Social and emotional development is sometimes an area where summer born girls in particular may need addional support. What your child needs is an understanding supportive school and teacher so you can all work together to increase her confidence.

Does she have good friends?

To look on the positive side. If this is an area where your child needs support, year 3 is a good time to get things in place. But don't leave it, be brave, go back into school. An initial letter setting out what happened at parents evening and asking what you can do to work with the school to support your child may help. Ensure they understand that you want updates - which don't need to eat into teachers time - a few words at hometime can sometimes speak volumes.

The school has a duty to promote well-being.

Hopefully your child won't have this teacher again.

Horrible for you. Good luck.

what a bitch of a teacher. FFS.

You CANNOT put up with this. Even if teacher's views aren't verbalised your poor DD will pick up on it, and it sounds like she's not the kind of girl who can take that on the chin (like me - though my unpopularity was with other kids, not adults)

Write down EVERYTHING the teacher said - positive, negative and indifferent - and look at it objectively to see if the balance was really that bad. If it is, then get thee to the HT.

My dd1 was always confident and outgoing. DD2 was not nearly as confident and so decided to get her into a drama club outside of school, where the drama teacher immediatly knew dd2 was feeling akward and pout her at ease. This helped to bring her out of herself a bit and playing on acting can then help in difficult situations.

I also got dd2 interested in sport and she tried karate for a year but i wasn't for her and now she swims with club and does tri training.

The teachers attitude is really sad. It is a shame she can't have some type of training to help her handle shy children and spot the traits, this will not be the first or last shy child she teaches

I don't necessarily agree you should approach the teacher for help with this issues BTW, not yet anyway. Doesn't sound like she's actually bothered about helping your DD.

And anyway, it doesn't matter what the truth is because to be THAT negative is not on IMO. I know teachers get a lot of stick for being overly PC on reports (spirited = noisy, eccentric = possibly insane, etc...) but there's a limit surely? I could slightly understand this - slightly - if your DD was a naughty disruptive child - but she sounds angelic.

PS nickschick you are my new hero! Wow!

Nickschick - Love it !!

If only more of us stood up to bullying or nasty teachers. her comments are totally unacceptable.

I really sympathise. My ds has always been a handful at school (he has some borderline SEN) and I have no doubt that he can be hard work for his teachers, so we are always somewhat apprehensive about parents evenings, but whilst we have always discussed the fact that he can't sit still and fiddles with things all the time, and that he finds it difficult to remember that his actions have consequences they have always said very nice things about him too and talked about strategies that they are trying or about to try to attempt to address the other stuff. Parents evenings are not there for teachers to moan about their pupils, they are supposed to be constructive.

I agree with everyone else here, you need to follow this up.

My son had one teacher a bit like this. We had a lot of very regular meetings with her (although I cannot imagine even her calling him irritating and complaining about him wringing his hands). We did for a while have weekly meetings with her, and on one occasion my husband challenged her to say 3 nice hings about him, which she couldn't.

Your case sounds worse, and I would suggest you request a meeting with the head. If there is another class do try to get your daughter moved. Do see if any other adults can have a positive input (maybe if the school has a student teacher they could work with a group for some of the time).

Good luck!

DEfinitely go back, of course teachers don't like every pupil equally but that should never be apparent..EVER. Surely that's part of being a good teacher, likewise they shouldn't have favourites.

Your DD isn't disruptive, naughty, unkind, etc etc so what has the teacher got to moan about?

I think I would return and be prepared with what you'll say....do not placate the teacher or predict what she might say(which is what I did when DS's teacher called him names and the wwhole class to repeat it). Decide what assurances you want from this teacher and what action you'll take if it doesn't happen. If you move your dd's class you need to make her feel it's because she's brilliant, no other reason.

Good luckx

Please make an appointment to meet with the Head and the teacher. I work in a school and people do this all the time - the school would much prefer it to parents stewing about something.

The teacher sounds very inexperienced and hasn't dealt with the situation properly. If she had real concerns she should have raised them with you before this. She should have been able to tell you what the school is going to do about it.

I had a similar experience when my DD (similar to yours) was in reception. The "teacher" sat and looked at me with this mock sad expression and told me DD was unable to speak even to ask for a crayon and that she would'nt do any work and was too shy to cross the room.

I wish I had complained about her crapness...I remember thinking "WHY didn't you tell me earlier!!??"

But not saying it.

This teacher left under a cloud a year later. And my DD who is in year 2 is doing fine...MUCH better with a good teacher.

Speak to the HT.

Thanks for all your supportive comments.

I'm not sure if I'll say anything to the teacher, though. Dd has never said anything negative about her and seems to enjoy school well enough so I don't want to make waves. I shall just have to hope that next year's teacher is a bit kinder.

I know that dd's shyness does annoy people. Today someone spoke to her in a shop and as usual her head went down and she just stood glaring at her feet. It's embarrassing all round and I'm torn between feeling angry with her and sympathising with her plight.

feel sorry for you-might some drama classes with a sensitive teacher help her confidence?

gramercy....I'm not sure your dd not noticing is enough not to deal with the situation. Children aren't likely to articulate someone not liking them....

If her shyness is stopping her and you from enjoying life I can recommend a child psychologist....get your GP to recommend one.