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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Teachers - do you get upset by this?

87 replies

Lara2 · 02/12/2010 18:14

I've been teaching for over 20 years now and am constantly surprised (I bloody well shouldn't be)how awful some parents are to their children.

We've been rehersing our nativity and have doled out all the tickets. We had a few left and asked one parent (who has 2 of her boys in it - Y1 and Y2) if she wanted some tickets, as she hadn't put in a request and we were about to dish out the last few. She said she wasn't coming - no explanation, nothing. She lives 5 minutes walk away, can bring the youngest child too. Her boys (the oldest 2 included) all have behaviour problems, but are just sweet lost things really. I was SO upset when I was told she wasn't coming to the play. Her boys need her so much - but it's the youngest ( a girl) who gets all the attention. Luckily, one of our Y1 teachers has her grandma coming to watch, so we are telling the boys that she's coming especially for them. If she wasn't, I'd draft in one of my relatives!!!

OP posts:

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Goblinchild · 02/12/2010 18:20

Yes, like when they try and give you their artwork because otherwise it will just go in the bin at home. Or when you are the one that has a conversation with them and listen to their answers.
I'm sure it's possible that she had good reasons for not coming, and there will be posters along shortly to tell you so.
Good plan with the grandma, make sure she knows too.

thisisyesterday · 02/12/2010 18:23

yes, i wqas going to say she may just not be able to come, and she doesn't have to give you reasons why!

obviously you may have other reasons for believing that she is not that interested in what they do, but i am not sure this is one of them!

is sad tho, if people do that

cansu · 02/12/2010 18:23

I think you should be careful about judging this mum. You have no idea what could be going on in her life and with the rest of her extended family. She could have numerous good reasons for not going that she would not share with you. I am also a teacher and have seen colleagues leap to similar conclusions about parents particularly if the children are not from middle class families. You might be right and she can't be bothered but there could be so many other reasons.

MentalFloss · 02/12/2010 18:28

Things like this break my heart at work.

I can still remember in my first proper year of teaching, in the first class I had for my own, there was a little boy who was so sad.

I remember at Christmas we made Christmas cards for the kids to give to their parents, or grandparents or siblings etc.

This little boy made it and gave it to me nad when I asked why he didn't want to give it to his mummy or daddy, he said because he made them one last year and they put it in the bin

Normally I don't believe everything kids tell me but his little face was so sad that I just knew :( :(

Original poster

Lara2 · 02/12/2010 18:31

Actually,I know quite alot about what goes on in her life and I know that she just can't be bothered. She had 5 boys, made it very clear that when her DD came along that's what she'd been waiting for. As I said, I've been teaching a long time and in a pretty deprived/mixed catchment for most of that time. We home visit all our YR children, so I know how bloody hard it is for so many of our families, for all sorts of reasons. I'm not a judgemental person, but just feel so incredibly sad for some children, when they come at the bottom of the heap for unreasonable reasons.

OP posts:

mrz · 02/12/2010 18:33

I once taught twins and mum turned up to find her daughter refusing to be Mary unless she could wear her pink party frock (we refused and got a stand in) so mum said we may as well go home and didn't stay to watch her son perform
She also bought the photograph of her daughter taken at the dress rehearsal but not her son.

Original poster

Lara2 · 02/12/2010 18:41

:( :(

I think alot of MN's will think I started this thread to parent bash and judge. It's really not like that - it's just that it breaks my heart, and obviously other teachers' too, at the way some children are treated. My own DS has SEN and problems (ASD),so I know that nothing is perfect and there are plenty of good reasons for lots of situations. But when you have known and worked with a family for a number of years (primary school),and the other agencies involved with them, you do know when a parent just puts the children at the bottom of the priority list because they can't be bothered.

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 02/12/2010 18:51

Oh, I think you'll be fine as long as you don't imply that she night be a Mumsnetter.
Like you, I've been teaching more than a couple of decades and have seen a very wide range of parenting. Some of which has filled me with righteous indignation and sadness.

huffythethreadslayer · 02/12/2010 18:55

On this forum I've noticed that concern for the child is often off set by people supporting the potential difficulties experienced by the parents.

I know parents have it tough at times and that parenting isn't easy. I also know that teachers in particular are well placed to see when children are ignored or pushed out or not supported at home.

I feel for you. I'm not a teacher, but I have worked at the local primary school for a long time and have seen a number of children who don't get the support they deserve. Some of the parents have their struggles and school help to keep things going whilst they go through the tough times. Some of them are just self absorbed and selfish. Some people really shouldn't be parents. And I say this as the child of a woman who shouldn't have been.

pinktortoise · 02/12/2010 18:55

I remember my mum being so touched / upset back in the days when she was a dinner lady. One poor little waif of a girl tried to give my mum the sewing that they had made for their mums xmas present. My mum kindly refused and said but your mummy will love that to which the girl replied "she won't like it and you are much nicer to me than my mum". She was 6. Still makes me sad.

Original poster

Lara2 · 02/12/2010 19:02

Thanks for the support. :)

OP posts:

YuleBeLucky · 02/12/2010 19:03

How on earth do you know what her reasons are for not coming? You are very quick to judge for someone in a caring/helping profession.

FreudianFoxSquishedByAPouffe · 02/12/2010 19:10

Lara I can see you're not just parent bashing.

I feel so sad just reading this thread. Regardless of individual parents' cirumstances nobody can deny there are plenty of kids whose parents just don't care.

I'm not a teacher but hope to be in a few years, and this is possibly the part of the job I'm dreading most - when you feel so terrible and worried about a pupil but you can't do anything about it.

I guess all you can do is provide a good environment for them and be a mentor.

Original poster

Lara2 · 02/12/2010 19:13

I know the family, (as I said in my previous post, have home visited, spent a number of years working with the family in close liason with other agencies)and the mum really well. I've spent a long time working with her,talking to her, supporting her - and believe me, there are no problems that don't boil down to the fact that she can't be bothered. You're questioning my professional judgement and my personal judgement. Why would I be judgemental towards her when I've spent all that time with her and really do know her and her circumstances. However, you don't.

OP posts:

YuleBeLucky · 02/12/2010 19:16

Unless someone said 'I can't be arsed to come', I would never assume that was the reason, no matter what information I was privy to re: that family.

I work with young people, too, by the way, although not as a teacher. My opinion is a personal and professional one.

PixieOnaLeaf · 02/12/2010 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Lara2 · 02/12/2010 19:18

Freudian - it really warms my heart that that's the part of the job that you worry about the most. It will be very hard, but sometimes you have to know that you do make a difference to them - you're the only constant, kind thing in some of their lives. You will meet alot of children you cry for, you can't take them home - all you can do is make them feel cherished and loved in the short time you have with them. A little cuddle, a kind word, a smile, a wink all go a very long way.

OP posts:

YuleBeLucky · 02/12/2010 19:19

Fine. I think the OP has judged but I have said my bit and shall leave you to it.

Original poster

Lara2 · 02/12/2010 19:20

YuleBeLucky, we'll have to agree to disagree - I'm not on here for a fight.

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 02/12/2010 19:20

How about come to an opinion based on first-hand evidence?

YuleBeLucky · 02/12/2010 19:23

I disagreed with you, I didn't pick a fight.

re: First-hand evidence. I am a former teacher, a parent of two, now a manager in Childrens Services. I have plenty of experience. I don't know the OP or children in question, but then, nobody else on this thread does either. It was an opinion, like I said.

mrz · 02/12/2010 19:27

Actually YuleBeLucky the OP does know the children and family so she is the only one in a position to know the family background

YuleBeLucky · 02/12/2010 19:29

OK, but she can't have a conversation with herself, can she? Presumably she wanted opinions? Or maybe I misunderstood and she just wanted sympathy/empathy? If so, that's fine - perfectly reasonable - I just didn't read it like that.

Goblinchild · 02/12/2010 19:30

She wanted to know if there were other teachers out there who felt distressed by the life experiences of some of the children we come into contact with.
And the answer was yes.

PixieOnaLeaf · 02/12/2010 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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