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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Teachers - do you get upset by this?

87 replies

Lara2 · 02/12/2010 18:14

I've been teaching for over 20 years now and am constantly surprised (I bloody well shouldn't be)how awful some parents are to their children.

We've been rehersing our nativity and have doled out all the tickets. We had a few left and asked one parent (who has 2 of her boys in it - Y1 and Y2) if she wanted some tickets, as she hadn't put in a request and we were about to dish out the last few. She said she wasn't coming - no explanation, nothing. She lives 5 minutes walk away, can bring the youngest child too. Her boys (the oldest 2 included) all have behaviour problems, but are just sweet lost things really. I was SO upset when I was told she wasn't coming to the play. Her boys need her so much - but it's the youngest ( a girl) who gets all the attention. Luckily, one of our Y1 teachers has her grandma coming to watch, so we are telling the boys that she's coming especially for them. If she wasn't, I'd draft in one of my relatives!!!

OP posts:

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Toughasoldboots · 03/12/2010 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blackeyedsusan · 03/12/2010 14:40

a little girl fell at home time with Mum there and she cried, "I want my teacher, I want my teacher"

heartbreaking.

Haribojoe · 06/12/2010 13:33

OP - I can see why this upsets you, it would upset me too.

My only comment would be that when DS1 started primary I may have been judged like this as I was rarely the one dropping him off/collecting him, and sometimes missed things like class assemblies.

I am a very caring and involved parent but at the time was nursing my terminally ill Mum at home and something had to give.

I'm not saying that you are judging this mum harshly or that I know the situation better than you. It's just that having been in my situation I know it bothered my that people were probably wondering why I wasnt't getting more involved, and it's possible that that applies to this situation.

StarlightMcKenzie · 06/12/2010 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

emy72 · 06/12/2010 14:14

Well you must know the parent in question as you stated you know their lives quite well, so in that case it must be very very sad.

I do however think that often my children's teachers could think that way about us too, without fully seeing that actually our children get so much more than meets the eye.

I have 4 young children, 2 at school and 1 at preschool and for example this year we are

not buying their school photographs
not attend school assemblies
not attending the school play
not buying the art work through some school scheme

my DS1 also likes cuddles from the teacher as he is just a cuddly boy. However I think my children are very loved and well cared for, we go to plays, we do lots of things with them, they get clothes, presents and bed time stories. It's just that school is very demanding and we need two parents at home in the day to be able to attend events without bringing two toddlers along - and often toddlers are banned anyway.

It is very difficult to do all the things that a school requires if one parents works (or two!) and there are younger siblings. And bringing them along is sometimes a massive hassle/other parents complain/tantrums etc

So I want to say that I have often been given that "look" and I know especially at my son's playschool they are VERY JUDGMENTAL of our family (have overheard them say things, they have made the odd comment). But I am sure my 2 year old doesn't mind too much and all in all he has an excellent homelife.

Oh and we have put some artwork in the bin - sometimes they come home with truck loads of stuff and I have honestly nowhere to put it after a while. I have kept/put up the nice bits though!!

madsadlibrarian · 06/12/2010 17:39

presumably the reason teachers miss their kids' events is that the kids' schools don't give enough notice for them to book a day off???? - so why oh why don't schools give other parents enough notice of events

...and then there was the time when... for a quiet life, I told him I'd be at sports day at 2pm - thinking he wouldn't notice the EXACT time as he'd be occupied with the sports day. OMG I turned up at about 2.20 - cue a collective sigh of relief from the adults on the field - apparently he had been asking the time and getting more and more distressed about my non appearance

jonicomelately · 06/12/2010 17:44

Lara2. You sound like a great teacher. Very sensitive and caring. I think what you are describing is very sad and unfortunately I believe every word and sentiment of what you describe

Goblinchild · 06/12/2010 18:10

;presumably the reason teachers miss their kids' events is that the kids' schools don't give enough notice for them to book a day off????'

I've never been at as school where I have been allowed to book a day off to see my child in anything. Medical procedure possibly, play or sports day never.

StarlightMcKenzie · 06/12/2010 20:14

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Message withdrawn

TheFallenMadonna · 06/12/2010 20:19

I never go to a sports day or daytime performance because I am a teacher and it would be laughed out of the cover office if I asked for it.

But - I get to spend all the school holidays with my children, which is more than most working parents get to do. I am pretty lucky, and so are my children.

ragged · 07/12/2010 13:29

Oh dear, I end up binning (or more likely) burning DC artwork. After displaying it for a while, you understand. I certainly can't keep it all!

I used to sometimes act as parent helper in DS's class. One time I needed to hold a boy's hand in a PE lesson. After that he became very clingy and really looked out for me, trying to hold my hand again, I couldn't understand it. He was a whopping tall and large child, 7 or 8yo, with a reputation for being quite S L O W. I avoided him because it was a bit creepy how desperate he was for physical contact.

His older sister had a big reputation as thief, too.

Later I found out that the siblings (and their many many younger siblings, all by different fathers, you know where this is going) had been subjected to horrific neglect. The boy wasn't born born thick, he was made that way by how he was treated.

I feel bad now that I wasn't willing to hold his hand more often :(.

Goblinchild · 07/12/2010 18:14

'He was a whopping tall and large child, 7 or 8yo, with a reputation for being quite S L O W. I avoided him because it was a bit creepy how desperate he was for physical contact.'

That's such a depressing post ragged, I hope the school and staff managed to do better by him. You can see why parents of SN children feel so isolated with views like yours within a school environment.
Lets hope there were lots of nicer children for you to help.

ragged · 07/12/2010 19:36

Thanks Goblin :(. That's made me feel grand. Merry Christmas to you too and I hope you never run short of parent helpers in your classroom, either.

I have a child with SEN, btw, I don't expect anyone to like him.

Goblinchild · 07/12/2010 19:42

I'd rather have quality than quantity in my class, and an adult helper who thought of a needy child as S L O W and creepy would not be someone I was comfortable working with.
I'd rather manage without.

Feenie · 07/12/2010 20:34

God, I agree. You may not have meant it like that, ragged, but read it back - it sounds really horrible.

KarmaDevil · 07/12/2010 20:52

Ragged I agree with Fernie, read your post back and see what it sounds like.

There are quite a few parent helpers in my dd1's class. DD1 at 7 and a half has the reading and writing age of a 5 year old. She has some SEN and has an IEP. I know for a fact these parent "helpers" look down on me because my dd isn't as quick as most of the class. She's also a very affectionate child. I must obviously be the worst mother in the world.

ragged · 08/12/2010 12:38

Look, I said I felt bad about not being nicer to the boy. I didn't mind him being Slow, where did I ever say that!!?? I mentioned the Slow reputation because it was causing the boy to be teased, anyway, and I was very mindful not to make that teasing worse for him. I love working with the "slow"est children in the class, it's the most rewarding feeling when you feel like you've really made a difference.

I said I minded him wanting to hold my hand all the time. As things were, I knew nothing (like all parent volunteers) about his background. I certainly hadn't been trained properly to deal with random highly emotionally needy children. And it would have done him no favors to hold his hand all the time anyway, he was getting bullied by his peers as it was. If I had known about his deprived background I perhaps could have explained to DS why I was holding his hand and DS could have braved the taunts that would have come his way, too. But of course, I wasn't privy to that info. I just had a child who wanted inappropriate physical contact and dealt with that as simply as I could.

KarmaDevil don't worry, people look down on me as bad mother too because of the behaviour of my DC with SEN. Just about perfectly cancels out all the glowing nice comments I get about the other DC's good behaviour, attitudes and achievements.

Just like people on MN look down you because they only read what they want to read into your messages. :(

gramercy · 08/12/2010 13:04

Back to the OP - I agree there are some parents who just can't be arsed. Kids' school activities can sometimes be a pain. I don't skip into every assembly looking forward to a bum-numbing 45 minutes. I do the "Didn't you see me?" avoiding sports day tactic. I'm suddenly awfully busy when it comes to helping at yet another PTA event. Yet I realise that as a parent I have responsibilities - and one of those is turning up at events and telling the dcs how enjoyable they were. Some people are just not going to do that. They are not going to put themselves out for anybody, not even their dcs.

(And that poster who went off on one because the mother may have had a whole myriad of excuses for her behaviour is, I'm afraid, typical of the "professionally offended" who have a lot to answer for.)

ragged · 08/12/2010 17:22

Looking back, probably the reason I felt that child's behaviour was "creepy" is because I could sense his deep emotional neglect, but I couldn't understand or quite articulate what it was I was sensing (my own lack of experience with emotionally deprived children). So I didn't judge him or his family, I just withdrew a bit from interacting with him. Was years later before I could fit the pieces into place :(.

Which has nothing to do with most children with any kind of developmental delay.

Goblinchild · 08/12/2010 18:16

You said he was S L O W, and that he wasn't born thick.
Can you really not see how the parent of a child with learning difficulties might be offended by your language?
I'm not even going to try and explain why using the word creepy was wrong.

'Just like people on MN look down you because they only read what they want to read into your messages'

You think I'm being unfair and prejudiced?
I can live with that, because when I started teaching, vocabulary like 'remedial' and 'educationally sub-normal' and 'slow' and 'mongol' were part of normal language in school, and I'm pleased to have played a part in changing it. I'm still trying.

Original poster

Lara2 · 09/12/2010 19:49

How can a 7 or 8 year old child be regarded as creepy? It's a child......... :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Lara2 · 09/12/2010 19:51

Also, well said Goblinchild!

gramercy,

Exactly what I wanted to say, but you phrased it so much better than I could have.Thank you.

OP posts:

Grockle · 09/12/2010 20:35

You see horrible things as a teacher. I am constantly surprised by the number of parents who send in children who are really too poorly to be in school and then are impossible to contact when the child needs to go home to bed

And the ones who fail to dress their children appropriately - a cardigan is not sufficient when temperatures are sub-zero. I can fill out endless bits of paper about my concerns but nothing ever changes.

Feenie · 09/12/2010 20:57

We have kids in vest top summer dresses and sandals. Really.

mammam79 · 09/12/2010 21:14

Lara2, at the moment my ds is haveing a few behaviour problems with school.

I feel a lot of these are through certain teachers not having much empathy and patience with him.

I feel your response to the childs mother not coming was one of someone who cares and is in the right profession. Which i feel some of my ds teachers are definately not.

I am a busy mum, and i have just put my professional training on hold so that i can devote my time to been as good a mummy as ican to my children and be at every play, parents meeting possible. That is why i had them in the first place afterall.

I remember my own mum been 2 busy 2 come to my xmas plays and it is horrible 4 a young child to look for thier parent/carer etc and them not be there.

So nice lara2 to hear that the child will have some one there :)

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