I feel like I can't trust anyone to look after my daughter.

[mummyloveslucy]

Hi, my daughter isleaving her private school with she has been at since she was two and is going to be home educated until we can get her in to a decent state school.
She has SEN's and she dosn't like school and there have been several issues like them not helping her to get changed and her missing her dance lessons etc.
I always thought her teacher was very nice but just dosn't have much experience of SEN's. I trusted her to look after my dd.

When I leave her in the mornings, she's often crying but I have to leave her and trust she'll be fine once I've gone which usually she is. A mum told me that the other day, she was still crying so she went to comfort her. My daughter said "I don't know what to do". This mum then told the teacher quietly that Lucy was upset and didn't know what to do. The teacher then lent over her and said very loud and sternly "She knows perfectly well what she should be doing, when she can be bothered!" Apparently this made her even more upset.

She never tells me what's happened at school so I have to have a lot of trust in the teachers. I did really trust her but that's really shocked and upset me.

I'm now very weary of sending her to another school where I won't know the teachers or the children. I know it sounds bad, but she is a target for bullies and she can't express her feelings or explain what's happened properly. I'm now thinking that I'll probubly home ed indefinatly as I'll find it too hard to trust anyone with her. I know how rediculus that sounds but it's how I'm feeling at the moment.

Thank you. We will.

Though to be fair, teacher401 should know what mainstream means. She seams to be confusing mainstream with state sector when of course you get mainstream schools in both sectors.

That's what I thought, but what do I know? I'm just a parent who can't spell. I'm not confused BTW, I just liked the face.

monty, that confused me too! Any teacher would know the difference between mainstream/special/private/state surely?

mll - does she see ot currently? they work on self-help skills too, and this can easily be put into iep etc if/ when she does attend state ms. (our ot/ slt/ physio have always been involved in iep target-setting and visit school frequently to check that teachers/ 1-1s/ keyworkers etc are up to speed on individual issues). getting changed for pe is an ideal time for a 1-1 to be working on dressing - unfortunately, as you have said, in private if you want that sort of support you have to organise and pay for it yourself unless you have extremely good reasons for needing a statement naming a private school with f/t 1-1.

i'm not assuming she's going to end up in state ms btw, just that we've always had extremely good support in state ms and had ruled out private from the start because of the obvious difficulties with support for sn children.

before you start looking at schools, contact your lea and ask to speak with the area inco (or whatever they are called in your neck of the woods). it's what i do whenver we are moving (and we move a lot, so i've got lots of experience looking for a state ms for an sn child), and as others have said, visit and ask lots of questions.

you might have to change your slt (in some areas slts are allocated specific schools) so it would be worth asking your current slt (if you get on well) whether she supports specific schools, or knows which have a good rep for sn support.

and get back on to the paed and make sure you have up to date assessments for all areas of delay (including ot). schools will want to know everything about her. in professional terms.

hope everything works out ok.

Thanks, we had an appointment with the paed a few weeks ago and i mentioned possible Asperger's. They said they'd send out a questionnaire to us and to the school. We haven't received anything yet though.

She doesn't see an OT. She's on the waiting list for speech therapy again, not that it helps much. She's going to be having some sound therapy too soon but that's private.

MLL I home ed'ed my dd for a while whilst looking for a new school.It was huge fun and we both enjoyed it enormously.I didn't try to emulate school at all just concentrated on building her confidence.We played, we talked, we sang, we went out and we had fun.The academics sort of slipped in along the way. So baking was a good opportunity for counting and number bonds. Sorting out her dinosaurs gave us an opportunity for tally charts etc.She loves books so we read loads, she wrote shopping lists,a diary of her trips out.She drew and painted and made lots of models.
Don't get hung up on sitting down and doing formal lessons get out and about and have fun.
I was quite sad when dd went back into school although it was the right thing for her at the time and her learning didn't suffer at all through not having a formal approach.

that sounds great. I'm sure we'll have fun.

MLL - really pleased that you're going to try HE for a while. She is so young, I'm sure it'll do both of you the world of good.

And definately don't take to heart the opinion of teachers who think that teaching is so hard a parent can't do it. You are not trying to teach 30 children of different abilities for 30 hours a week. You will be teaching and loving 1 child 24 x 7. A totally different job and skill set required.

If you decide to HE long term and run into things you don't know how to do or teach - you will learn how to. It's not rocket science.

And if you find a school you like later that's also fine. There's no 'one right way' to bring up a child.

Glad you're doing sound therapy. OT is also a good recommendation. While you're HEing you will have loads of time to do the OT and SALT that she needs.

Good luck.

That's true, I'm actually quite looking forward to it.

was it you who recommended the sound therapy? She'll be going back to Stagecoach and having suzuki piano lessons which she's really looking forward too. I'll hopefully keep in contact with a few mums from school too. That way she'll still get to play with other children too.

Lucy met a little girl yesterday at a Christmas fair. This little girl was about the same age and I'm sure has SEN's.
I've never seen Lucy take to anyone as quickly! She was laughing with her and they were jumping about making silly noises together, neither of them had any regard for personal space and they were nose to nose at one point,laughing. It was so sweet and funny to watch.

She's the only child in her school with SEN's so she never gets to play with anyone on her own level IYKWIM. I felt like asking this girls mum what school she goes too, but I'm too shy.

do try to ask , you may find out about all sorts of other things which you could explore amnd L would have a friend. How about her joining Rainbows/Brownies which would help her practise skills such as arts and crafts and games, give you a bit of a break and maybe make some new friends for when she might go to a school ?

MLL this school has been utterly shit since you sent her there. BUT private schools are often the abject PITS when it comes to children with SN, because the teachers are inexperienced with SN and totally target driven.

Let me tell you about Ds1's 'rough' state school.

It's in a low socio-economic catchment area. 70% of attending children qualify for free school meals. They have a relatively MASSIVE intake of children with various SN and behavioral difficulties - and yet the children who are 'supposed' to achieve generally do achieve well.

I spoke to ds1's teacher because he was getting upset about forgetting things. This was on the Friday. When I picked him up on the Monday, he had forgotten NOTHING. The reason? The classroom assistant had made for him (at home, I presume, or at least in her spare time!) 5 laminated 'day lists' of each activity, club, and item of things he needs for each day. One for each day of the week.

I cannot imagine him getting this support from a private school. They would be too focussed on his maths ability to see where he needs support.

Like Colditz dd goes to a school in a deprived area with an abnormally high level of SEN children,(we drive past a couple of "nice" middle class, OFSTED outstanding primaries to get there)but it is the right school for dd. The school is nurturing, welcoming and tbh they perform little miracles every day to enable their children to access the full curriculum and give them opportunities that their parents might not otherwise provide.
The right school for Lucy might not be the one with the highest SATs scores in the best area it might just be a school you wouldn't have considered (like I didn't) until you visit and realise you've stepped into a haven for your SN child.

And yes, haven is a good word.

ds1 isn't the ONLY kid with problems, he's not the only kid with sn, he's not the only kid who needs help. They understand that if he's hiding under a picnic bench crying, it is pointless trying to find out from him what happened, and their best bet is to ask someone else or just offer to take him inside.

I would try to pluck up the courage to approach this mum (playdate?) and ask about schools She is better placed (especially if her daughter has SEN ) to give an informed opinion.

Despite opinion in this thread I am a teacher, have been for quite a while. As for the 'mainstream' terminology, if you google it you get mixed messages about that the term is used for. In one definition it states 'In most of the world a mainstream school is funded by the tax payer, commonly known as a state school.' Further down it does state that a further definition 'Can sometimes be attributed to any school that is not known for special needs provision.'

I have decided that I will no longer post on this site, as obviously if you disagree with the OP or dare to state that schools have expertise, you are attacked. Best of luck to your daughter.

I think to be fair teacher your reply is based purely on the Op whereas many posters are aware of background information regarding the OP and her daughter and her school.

Teacher401 you began the attack by having a right old pop at the OP's spelling whcih was both irrelevant and very rude.

I don't think you have been attacked at all, certainly not in recent posts - there was confusion over your use of the term 'mainstream' which has a commonly used definition on this site.

Flouncer's Corner is here, Teacher.

How thoughtful of you Feenie. Teacher, you need a bit of perspective. Read your first post again and try to see why people took exception to the tone.

Quite - 'may I suggest'

teacher - like I've said before, I'm not trying to belittle the role of a teacher. I could never in my wildest dreams teach a class of 30 children! I think most teachers are amazing. I also understand that schools have expertise in SEN's.
I'm just doing what I feel is right for my daughter at this moment in time. She needs to come out of this school and I'd like to find her a school that is best suited to her needs. If I have to HE for a while in order to do this, then so be it. I need to be sure I've chosen the right school as I don't want her to go through any of this again.

Feenie, ain't you a teecher? I'm a teecher too.
So MLL, we think you are very sensible.

Yep, and so is mrz. So that's three, innit.

You have to do what's best for your dd, MLL. I think you have made the right decision.