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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

How do you cope with tears at the school gates? (Theirs & yours!)

64 replies

DippyMummy · 09/09/2010 10:16

I'm sure dozens of people have already started a thread on this subject, but.... DS (age 4.6) has just started a reception this week. He's fine on the way to school, then as soon as we go into the classroom he clings, and cries. This morning he really cried a lot and held tight to me, wouldn't let me go, and the teacher offered to "peel" him off! She did so (in a nice but brisk and business like way...) and I had to leave him (parents are not encouraged to hang around - I guess we have to be cruel to be kind). I am finding this all so traumatic! The thing is DS has never suffered from any kind of separation anxiety before (couldn't WAIT to get to playgroup every day) and I just don't seem to have a strategy for dealing with it. I come home in tears. DP is abroad at the mo which doesn't help. I know it will all get better soon, but.... any coping tips? Thank you.

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fattybum · 09/09/2010 10:24

Sorry, no coping tips, but just wanted to say my ds1, also 4, was not too bad yesterday but cried today and had to be led away by the teacher. I feel emotionally drained and can't help feeling it's wrong somehow to have to leave them crying! Probably just being oversensitive though and hopefully will get better with time.

Scootergrrrl · 09/09/2010 10:25

Bribery worked like a charm for my little Klingon - 10p for every day he went into school bravely and a trip to the sweet shop to spend his winnings on Friday. Stay relentlessly upbeat because if they sense you are a bit wobbly about the whole thing too, it'll be ten times worse.

stressedout29 · 09/09/2010 10:38

It's not easy but I had the same problem this week but found the best thing is to walk away. It feels harsh and it breaks your heart but I've been told as soon is I?m gone i have been told he realises it?s not going to work stops crying and runs off to play. Then I?m feeling guilty all day while he's having a great time.

This week I have been talking through the routine with him a few times a day - that I will take him what he will be doing that he will have lunch with his friends ect and when I will be coming back. I know they have a story last thing so I tell him after that I will be there and this has helped immensely.

Perhaps talk to the teacher and find out their routine and keep telling him it.

Good luck

Original poster

DippyMummy · 09/09/2010 10:49

Fattybum, yes I can't help feeling it's wrong too, it seems to go against all my instincts to walk away while he's crying. I was one of these mums who could never leave him to cry when he was a baby ("controlled crying" was just not our thing). But this does not (contrary to what some experts would try and have me believe) mean he has turned out to be a clingy needy child. On the contrary, he is one of the most socially confident children around. I guess this is why it's all so hard now - he and I are just not used to this. Thanks everyone for your comments. I am sure that he does cheer up as soon as I am gone. I like the bribery idea. Will try it tomorrow and maybe think of a special Friday night treat. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

smee · 09/09/2010 11:05

Is there a nice TA who you could encourage to take him from you? Or could they give him a job to do to distract him maybe? My son used to go round putting the pens out and that worked brilliantly. I'd kiss him goodbye and he'd go and do his job. Really eased the transition. So hard I know!

Original poster

DippyMummy · 09/09/2010 11:22

There is a nice TA who DS has taken a shine to, and yes she does try to distract him with little jobs etc, but it seem to be working. Might have a word with her and see if she can get him to do the same job every morning, something regular that he can take pride in. Another thing that's not helping is that he has an awful chesty cold, so he's feeling very tired and under the weather. But am reluctant to keep him home, as I don't think it would help necessarily - but perhaps I am making things worse by not giving him a chance to get better?! Oh the guilt, the guilt...

(I bet DS is having a lovely day...)

OP posts:

smee · 09/09/2010 11:26

She sounds nice. Would she maybe agree that you can hand him over to her every morning until he's settled. If he has that reassurance/ consistency it might make a massive difference. Hope it works!

mrsruffallo · 09/09/2010 11:28

It's so hard isn't it?
I haven't had tears yet (3rd day)but a kind of wide eyed being brave face
Gets me every time

Hullygully · 09/09/2010 11:29

We used to talk through the day and what would be happening, and then the dc would choose a treat to be waiting for them with me at the end of the day (a cake/ choc. It was surprisingly effective, though they do still expect it now and they are at secondary school...

Iatemyskinnyperson · 09/09/2010 12:04

DippyMummy I could have written your post - my DS1 adored his playschool, has been in Creche/Preschool continuously since he was 7 months old, and is really sociable - I can leave him at birthday parties/playdates with absolutely no problem. So I was really taken aback when he started to cry and cling to me when he started school.

We're on our second week here in Ireland, and he's really improved. I think it was just the newness and the uncertainty of it all. That, and I went back to work. Turns out the waterworks and drama were just for Mum, when DH or MIL drop him he skips in no problem.

Hope your DS settles soon, he'll be fine once he knows the ropes.

onepieceoflollipop · 09/09/2010 12:08

Try not to cry yourself in front of your dc.

My dd1 is in year two now but in reception there were several dcs who had little wobbles on the way in. The reception teacher and the ta were both lovely. Reception teacher used to deliberately come out with various props/papers and would give each child something to carry in for her.

If you or your dc are feeling very distressed then give the teacher a note, ask if you can see him/her for 5 minutes (without your dc) or have a quick chat on the phone. he or she will be able to reassure you of the best way of handling it.

TheArsenicCupCake · 09/09/2010 12:14

DD has decided this week that there will be a wobble at the start of school each day. she is now 7 years old.. and i am a very harsh mother..

this morning I walked her over to the class door.. caught her teachers eye and asked for help to peel her off..

said a bright and breazy "have a good day see you later" and left her in the more than capable hands of her teacher.

she will be fine when i pick her up having had a good day.. and more than likely this will be a 'this week phase'.

JaynieB · 09/09/2010 12:27

Tough isn't it. My DD is on her first week at nursery at the local school. She's doing ok, but is holding fast to my hand in the playground and I'm the only parent still accompanying her into school.
The teachers seem quite relaxed about me staying for a couple of minutes before I slope out, and I'm sure she'll be ok about it before long, but I'm getting the 'brave face' too as I leave.

Rosebud05 · 09/09/2010 12:45

Following this thread with interest, as my dd (3.6) has never in the 2 years she's been at nursery walked in. She still needs to be put into someone's arms and there are still sometimes tears. FWIW, her baby brother barely looked back for me after the first week, so I'm reassured that it's not my parenting! The distraction technique 'can you carry this for me?' works really well with her, though I'm aware that this time next year she'll be in school. Have been thinking about bribing incentivising nearer the time.

mmmperuna · 09/09/2010 12:46

Manly pats on back to all new mums - its so hard.

Yesterday, my friends DS was near hysterical at drop off that morning and also had to be prised off her

When I went in later to read with DDs class he was having a rare old time, happy as can be; but when she went to pick him up at the end of the day he started crying as soon as he saw her, yet according to the teacher had been fine all day.

Friend wouldn't have believed teacher had it not been for me having sent her a text to tell her what I had seen earlier in the day.

So try not to worry

wishingchair · 09/09/2010 12:47

My DD1 has just started Yr 3 (new school too) and is an absolute dream. But for a lot of reception, on and off in Yr 1, and for the first term of Yr 2 she would cry and cling. It was awful. I tried everything and can honestly say the ONLY thing that worked was to be very upbeat, work out a plan with the teacher or TA so they spot you as soon as you arrive and you do a very very quick handover from you to them. A sticker chart helped occasionally but for my child, it was just something she had to grow out of. It is hard but they will grow out of it ... it might take days, weeks or in my case years, but you will get there!!! (PS - she always had a fantastic time at school, it was just that wobbly moment when you have to say goodbye)

alarkaspree · 09/09/2010 13:03

My ds started school yesterday. He's always been a clinger so I can cope with that. At nursery he would always make a bit of a protest when I left him but I knew that he always had fun when I had walked out of the door. But yesterday I left him on the floor in a strop and he did not move from that spot on the floor for the 1.5 hours he was there. I'm already considering home schooling.

Sorry that is not very comforting for anybody.

Beb · 09/09/2010 13:06

I had to take my neice in for her first three days, as her mum was in hospital, so the poor little mite was crying every morning. I made friends with a mum in the playground, who had a very happy confident child who befriended my little neice. Then the second day when we turned up and neice was in tears, I asked the happy child if she would walk in holding neices's hand, and happy child was pleased because she felt grown up looking after someone else, and my neice was much better because she had a friend to go in with and it took her mind off it. So maybe getting your son to 'pal up' with a friend on his way in might help him a bit?

Mielie · 09/09/2010 13:20

Hello, this is my first message on mumsnet so I apologise if I get the acronyms wrong!
My DS2 has always had difficulties going to school, in particular he struggles with the morning goodbyes and this has been particularly bad in the last week as he has started a new school (he's in year 3). This morning he was so upset and crying so hard he could hardly speak and I know that the cardinal rule is not to get upset in front of them but I find it soooo hard and couldn't stop my tears once I had (20 minutes later) got him into the classroom and returned to my car.
Anyway, to get to the point, our coping strategy last year with DS2 was to create a "DS2 Going To School Chart" which was a chart in the shape of a darlek with no colour on the inside. The bottom was "DS2 Totally Not Used To School" and gradually it gets better in stages as it goes up the darlek until at the top the message is "DS2 Totally Used To School and Happy". The idea was that DS2 would colour in/fill in the chart as the days went on, and at each stage there was a reward, the ultimate reward being when he reached the top and we took him to a theme park. The emphasis was on his behaviour when he said goodbye and trying to be happy and positive about it and not upset.
This really worked; it took a few months to get to the top, but he really responded to it and I'm just hoping that we have the same luck this time (i've just made a new one but have not discussed with DH what the ultimate reward should be as it needs to be good!).
This is a very hard and upsetting aspect of parenting and it's difficult to know how to handle it......the last thing we need is more guilt and more guilt! I hope this helps and I'll let you know how it goes this end

onepieceoflollipop · 09/09/2010 13:29

Welcome Mielie. :)

evansmummy · 09/09/2010 13:31

Also had th same problem with my ds in his first year (now in Yr1). For the first term he would cry and cling, and on and off the rest of year, usually when me and dh dropped him off together. Would agree with all the above, be upbeat, talk about how much fun he/she'll have, what are they looking forward to, pair up with a happy child, and especially have a plan with the teacher/TA. Our reception teacher was very good with this, all the kids who went in happy without mum and dad would get a sticker, and in time, this worked.

As another poster said, sometimes the kids just have to grow out of it themselves. And as for coping strategies for you? A stiff drink before you get on with the housework .

CherryChapstick · 09/09/2010 13:35

Just run.

MerryMarigold · 09/09/2010 14:03

dippy, you do sound a wee bit over protective. Please remember the teacher and TA probably have about 30 other kids to deal with. I am not a teacher myself, and my ds1 is starting school on Monday, but I do slightly resent those parents who want the TA's and teachers lives to revolve around their (demanding) kids. Then I have to be demanding to get fair treatment for my kid.

Your ds will get over it. Interesting you say he is socially confident and not at all clingy - so why all the crying?

Sorry, not in best mood. If I knew you, I'd probably be giving you a hug and cuppa tea! Just you do sound a little bit OTT about it.

ommmward · 09/09/2010 14:16

I mean no judgment of anyone else on this thread. Here's my own experience:

Personally, I couldn't leave my child crying with people who they don't know. We have delayed school (we home ed) until our children positively want to go. For me, there's a difference between social confidence and wanting to/being ready to go to school. That might not be the social experience a child is after aged 4 or 5, or even maybe the best one for them.

and of course there are some children who are just sad for a moment at the transition from one situation to another, and opting out of the whole cultural norm of sending our children into school aged 4, or nursery aged 3 or whatever, would be a complete over reaction for those children.

There are other children who are simply not ready for the adult/child ratio of reception in the September of the year in which they become five.

Follow the mummy instinct. If it is screaming that an experience is not the right one for a child, then follow the child's needs, not the societal norms. Children do not have to be in full time education (at school or otherwise) until the term after they become five.

Mielie · 09/09/2010 14:23

Ah ha, now there's an idea evansmummy, a stiff b**y drink, that's exactly what I need and I'm doing well if I don't have one before 5pm!

Did our parents ever worry like this?!

Thank you onepieceoflollipop for your smiley face! :o

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