How do you cope with tears at the school gates? (Theirs & yours!)

[DippyMummy]

I'm sure dozens of people have already started a thread on this subject, but.... DS (age 4.6) has just started a reception this week. He's fine on the way to school, then as soon as we go into the classroom he clings, and cries. This morning he really cried a lot and held tight to me, wouldn't let me go, and the teacher offered to "peel" him off! She did so (in a nice but brisk and business like way...) and I had to leave him (parents are not encouraged to hang around - I guess we have to be cruel to be kind). I am finding this all so traumatic! The thing is DS has never suffered from any kind of separation anxiety before (couldn't WAIT to get to playgroup every day) and I just don't seem to have a strategy for dealing with it. I come home in tears. DP is abroad at the mo which doesn't help. I know it will all get better soon, but.... any coping tips? Thank you.

My DS starts on Monday. He's 4.3. For 4 years he's been at nursery just 2 days a week and I reckon 80% of that time he's made a fuss about me leaving. I only have to go out the door and he's stopped. He loves it there. It's almost become the thing he does, I leave he cries. At pre-school (he's been for the last year for two mornings) someone always had to distract him and prise him away. BUT- he loves that too !...So I am fully expecting tears and clinging on Monday and will be overjoyed if he trips in to the classroom without a backward glance but equally will do the hand over/ quick departure maneouvre if it all goes to pot ( will be wearing big glasses and stocked up with tissues - I cry even thinking about it) . He knows 50% of the kids there so lots of familiarity and I really do think part of it is for my benefit. He's always been clingy and I'm afraid to say that as time goes on I've become a bit hardened to it......

I like the idea of a reward at the end of the week if we've had a fuss free time though...

I would like to say that be very sensitive to your child if they do cry every morning some of them "do not get over it". I cried on and off for 2 years when I started school, I can still remember it vividly. The school was not good for me, class size too big, very strict and catholic.

Two things I've done, made sure my DC had been to pre-school and choose what I hope are the right schools for them not the local/most convenient or the same school.

Those first two years did lasting damage I did very well academically but never enjoyed school until I move to a small girls only school at 11.

Also I was late summer born. Oh yes I made sure I didn't have a summer child!

Dd's primary do a "soft start" by which all the primary 1's go in a separate entrance with their parents and you can settle them into the classroom for up to 15 minutes. I haven't seen any child get upset yet, it's all very calm and pleasant.

The drawbacks are that it's a bit OTT for the more confident kids - dd is one of the oldest at 5.5 (we're in Scotland) and would be fine if I just dumped her in the playground but we all HAVE to do the soft start and it's running until the end of Easter term . Also it makes it awkward for kids with working mums who are short on time or using a childminder.

I think more schools should consider it, especially in England where they are so young starting school.

reading with interest. dd1 starting school in a week and a half. So far, she's been the most precocious, extrovert and sociable child. Really enjoyed nursery, always desperate to go off and make new friends at the park or the beach. However, I'm pretty nervy about her starting school as I was a very introverted, shy child at her age, and i suppose i'm just remembering my own feelings of abandonment when i was her age. daft of me really.

I'd recommend the 'drop and run' technique, give a quick kiss/hug and say I'll see you at x time. The teachers (on the whole) would prefer you to go ASAP in the hope that the child will settle quickly as the routine of the day starts.

Could you ring the school after 15 minutes and ask if they would check with the teacher that your child has stopped crying? That would stop you worrying about it for the rest of the day?

Drop and run or get someone else to take DC to school.
DD on 3rd week of school now.
First day screamed " Don't leave me here mummy" and had to held by teacher. Then I got tears and trauma for the next week. Then DH took her in and she just skipped in happily. I knew that as soon as I was away she stopped crying and started enjoying herself.
So told her that if she cried when I dropped her off then Daddy would take her to school in future.
Worked like a dream, I hardly get a kiss now as she's raring to get in.
Interestingly, some of the kids who were fine in the first couple of weeks are now strating to play up in the mornings.

i started a thread on this last week. DD has got better each day, and we are aiming for tear free by the middle of next week! we have used a mixture of no-nonsense, bribery and going over again and again what she has to do each morning. i have been overly friendly to everyone we meet (they must think I'm weird)in the playground and car park.
I know that every single day, dd has stopped crying within a 2 minutes of us leaving and is loving it. she has got more and more chatty and has started playing with people.
i totally advocate drop and run.

good luck, we have been emotionally drained and heart broken but we know she is loving it when we're gone.

DS doesn't start properly until Monday, but he has had 3 half days (well 9.30 - 12) which I think will help.

They also do the soft drop approach mentioned above. The reception class has a separate entrance, starts later and they encourage you to stay in the classroom for up to 30 mins or however long it takes to settle your child and get them playing or colouring in or whatever, before you leave them.

It does make a difference as some children are fine and just want to get on with it, and others are really unsettled and need some parental reassurance.

Maybe you could ask them if you could stay for a while if he's upset. They are so small - it seems very brusque to me to expect a 4 yr old to just be waved off merrily into such a different environment full of strangers. It's a bit young to develop a stiff upper lip.

After 2.5 years at the same day nursery my DD has finally stopped the clingy crying, most of the time . We are still on the knife edge and I still want to cheer every time she manages a vaguely dry-eyed goodbye. Very tired days or under the weather days are not so good.

I know that she is fine, she has fun, in fact she loves it there. How do I know? Because:

• every time Daddy takes her she smiles and waves him goodbye. I know this as her career tells me with a wry smile the next day

• I cannot get her out at night, even if its past 5.30pm and I am running late feeling guilty. Most of the time it takes a good 20 mins to get her out

She starts Reception next year and I am dreading it. If it took me 2.5 years to get her to wave dry-eyed at this place, the next place will be the same I am sure!

I still cry sometimes when they peel her off me though... it is hateful.

For those of you worrying about Reception, if the school has a nursery it's a massive help. Ds1 has been in the school nursery for mornings for the past year. He plays with reception kids, knows reception teachers, and will be moving up with his whole class. The only difference is that it's full days. I'd thoroughly recommend it if you're worried.

I had screaming abdabs for nearly 5 years - school nursery, preschool, reception, year 1, year 2 .... and then it suddenly stopped, and DD is now in year 5 and happy as. Can't explain it, but I sure aged a lot ... and held firm all along the way. So there's hope ... but it may take a while.

I used to have this problem with DS at nursery. THe staff were lovely and would give me photos of him they had taken during the day so I could see he was happy and having fun. Luckily there came a day when I was having trouble folding up the pushchair so I was able to hear for myself that the minute he thought I was actually gone he would stop crying and start chattering away to the other kids or his keyworker so I managed to bite my lip and let him grow out of it.
Still remember how horrible it felt though, so manly pats and stiff drinks all round!

Absolutely no advice to offer, but I walked past a tearful mummy the other day (presumably post drop off) and I started blubbing myself, just thinking about little ones all grown up! Couldn't stop! My dd is only 2. I will need high doses of valium to get her off to school at this rate!

Can I just offer a teacher's point of view here? Honestly ..... the kids are fine and I've only known a handful who cried after the first few minutes. I always phone the mums/dads of crying children just to reassure them that their children really are happy and busy .

Its hard as a parent - I know as I've been there myself with the 'klingon' - but its nearly always just the transition from home to school that takes getting used to. I teach 5 to 7 year olds, some of whom speak no English and come to us directly from other countries where EVERYTHING (language, culture, expectations) is different but I am struggling to remember a child who truly kept on crying after the first few days or who was miserable at school.

Hope this helps

well, i can top trumps you guys. went to check out a playschool for DD on my own and started blubbing when sat talking to the teacher!

was beyond mortified.

she was very kind about it though.

i think that for me its because i hated school and i still vividly remember how abandoned i felt. and the thought of my DD feeling like that slays me.

also, i spoke to my mom about it and she says that i never cried when she took me to school. and that she always felt though that i was too young, but as i was already reading etc etc and didnt cry when she took me, she left it. funny thing, mothers intuition :)

DippyMummy - ask the teacher what happens after you have gone. I bet your DS stops crying and starts playing the minute you go. I saw it a lot when DSs were going to nursery. Crying toddlers clinging to mothers with faces wracked with guilt. The minute the mother went the child always stopped like a radio being switched off and picked up the nearest toy. Honestly, kids know how to press the buttons. Best to be brisk, say goodbye and walk away.

Our DSs were used to being left by the time they went to school as they went to nursery. In the end DS1 took to crying, screaming and laying on the floor when I went to pick them up form after school care.

Go away Dad I dont want to go home!

Our DS1 struggled a little when he started school, despite going into pre-school happily every morning. I 'borrowed' a few strategies I had heard of other mum's using.

I gave him him a small plastic star, one of the ones you stick to the ceiing and walls and they glow in the dark, to keep in his pocket. Whenever he felt a little afraid or lonely or unsure I told him he could hold the star and it would help him to feel brave and to know that I was thinking of him. He loves stars and really bought in to the idea. After a week or so he gave me the star back and told me he didn't need it anymore - result! A friend did this with her daughter and she used a wee knecklace which she wore under her school shirt.

Another idea, and it helps to have a teacher or TA onboard with this one, was for DS to take something into school with him each morning to show the teacher, or TA. It could just be a daft wee toy or a picture he'd drawn or a book he liked. The sucess of this depends how enthusiastic the are greeted by the member of staff. We didn't need to use this but I quite liked the idea of it.

I know how hard it is, especially if you have to drop them off the go on to work but it does get better.

I think there are several possible issues that can be mixed up in this kind of issues. Like other posters have said - untangling it comes down to mothers intuition and communication.

There are kids who are just too small for school. UK does start early, and soMe e settings are more disciplined and demanding than others. IME this predominantly affects boys - the combination of separation from beloved parent and 'Tiggerish' boisterous immature behaviour attracting reprimands from teachers.

The second issue I call the three day itch. Think of it like the baby blues. You,re on a high with all the excitement and potential, and then a few days in you wobble, realize that this is a long term major change. You,d be talking a confident kid who makes a good start, and the suddenlyout of nowhere clamps their hands around your neck. I think this clinginginess needs to be smartly stepped over - just to avoid any misunderstanding about how school 'works'.

The final situation is illness. - which can be a bugger over winter. They'll get these lingering colds, and genuinely want to just flop at home, but unless you keep them off school for a week at a time, you sometimes have to send them in a bit 'grotty'.

I love the star idea, ally, btw.

I remember my mum doing that with me. She gave me a nice cotton hanky as she was leaving and said " this is mummy". It sounds strange, but I really do remember holding onto that hanky and drawing strength from it.

I'd recommend something nonedescript and functional for this, though. Getting the comfort object confiscated would be pretty disastrous - so I,d suggest that jewelery is a risk in school.

A girl in DD's reception class was literally blood curdling screaming this morning, I could hear it from DS's classroom as I dropped him in, and there is quite a distance of corridor between the two rooms. She was punching, kicking, everything to anyone who came anywhere near, including her mother. Teacher looked truly shocked and let's face it, she must have seen a few meltdowns in her time...

My DD has had no school worries (thankfully) but seeing her classmate made her quite edgy and nervous all of a sudden.... hope it does not rub off! Really felt for the poor mum, don't know the child at all (she is a newbie, whereas a lot of them have simply moved up from Nursery, so that won't help...) so have no idea if she is prone to this, has separation anxiety generally or what. Very tough.

I really feel for you as we are going through something with dd2 and it has taken us totally by surprise as she has always been brimming with confidence and was looking forward to school. My youngest (v shy) also had it a bit, but essentially enjoyed elements of school. dd2 is saying she hates it and hates her homework. Here's what I'm doing:

• I do try to be quite matter of fact about tears at the school gate without being heartless. Before she goes into the line up I try and think of something distracting / positive to say ('I've just rememebered - I thought we'd get the paints out this afternoon' or 'I've put a muffin in your bag for playtime').

• I try and remove stress points in the day (eg - by leaving on time so that we're not worrying about being late, etc) coz I think that adds to tension.

• I've tried to unravel a bit about what is going on for her (without making too big a deal of it). She is v articulate so has been able to say why she isn't enjoying it.

• I am meeting with the teacher to make her aware of what is going on and to discuss whether there might be things that can be done to make things better.

• the school encourages parent volunteers so I'm going to go in once a week to help out for an hour or two. Again I did this with elder child and it allowed me to see what she was enjoying and actually have some positive conversations with her about her school experience.

• I'm trying to make the whole day not just about school (don't manage this as much as I would like) by going to the park after or that kind of thing.

• for homework, I'm not pushing it hard coz it will all come together in its own sweet time. For literacy stuff if she'd rather do the cbeebies alphablocks game I think it is fine as she's picking up the learning from that. With my elder child I ended up having to come up with more creative, fun ways to help her read as she was simply bored with how the school were doing it.

I think lots of it is them just getting used to the whole school environment and it'll all come good in time. Wish you the best of luck with it all.

I got this advice from a book - either Positive Parenting or How to Talk So Kids will Listen. It said when they're upset just agree with them and repeat what they say back to them. So when DS got clingy and was sobbing and said, 'I want to stay with you,' I said, 'So do I. I wish you could stay with me all day.' 'Can I?' 'Wouldn't it be brilliant if you could? I'll have such a big grin on my face when I see you again at lunchtime' etc.

I really didn't think it would work but he just hugged me and trotted off. I wonder if they think we can't wait to get rid of them, and that's why their animal instinct to cling to our fur kicks in so hard. If they are convinced we're missing them (but in a happy way, not that we're upset) they might seem more settled. It worked like magic for us but I doubt it's that simple for everyone. Worth a try though.

You all have my heartfelt sympathy if you are struggling with reception children. I was lucky and didn't have it at that age but DS (9) has just started a new school and it is really getting to me every morning when I drop him off.

I know he's putting on a brave face and he is excited to be there and he does have friends already (today is day 3) but it's still new and different and a tad scary. But of course at 9 years old, he can't cry and cling to his mum. He has to just get on with it. I think I might cherry pick from the suggestions on here. Friday night treat me thinks .

FWIW, in Reception, we went with the idea that realitychick has just mentioned and both DCs were fine.

Good luck everyone, and we all have to remember "This too shall pass"

Awww, my DD1 started reception last week. She's fine actually, but I posted because I used to be a reception teacher and always used to feel for the parents of the little ones who were crying/clinging/trying to follow mum out of the door!

As you say, the teacher will be keen to get the parents out of the room so she can get on with the school day.

IME, it always settles down. And I bet that once you've gone your DS is probably fine too, or at least I'm sure he doesn't spend his entire time crying.

My advice is to continue being really positive about school and just persevere. He'll be fine once he gets into a routine. I genuinely believe that it's far worse for the parent than the child!

Good luck!