How do you cope with tears at the school gates? (Theirs & yours!)

[DippyMummy]

I'm sure dozens of people have already started a thread on this subject, but.... DS (age 4.6) has just started a reception this week. He's fine on the way to school, then as soon as we go into the classroom he clings, and cries. This morning he really cried a lot and held tight to me, wouldn't let me go, and the teacher offered to "peel" him off! She did so (in a nice but brisk and business like way...) and I had to leave him (parents are not encouraged to hang around - I guess we have to be cruel to be kind). I am finding this all so traumatic! The thing is DS has never suffered from any kind of separation anxiety before (couldn't WAIT to get to playgroup every day) and I just don't seem to have a strategy for dealing with it. I come home in tears. DP is abroad at the mo which doesn't help. I know it will all get better soon, but.... any coping tips? Thank you.

"Personally, I couldn't leave my child crying with people who they don't know. We have delayed school (we home ed) until our children positively want to go. For me, there's a difference between social confidence and wanting to/being ready to go to school. That might not be the social experience a child is after aged 4 or 5, or even maybe the best one for them."

I agree that using instinct is important, but some children will never be ready/want to as such and will always fear the seperation no matter the age. I used to truly believe when my parents left me at school, or went out and left me with a babysitter, that they would not come back (I was adopted as a baby though so think that has some bearing). I was terrible at nursery and used to be taken to the book corner to be distracted while the register was being called. I wasn't ready and always hated school, but my reaction at any age would have been the same. Also, some mums might not have the resources/time/money to homeschool?

I love the star/necklace idea. That's great!

Alarkaspree, that sounds a different reaction than most children? He must have been exhausted! I've only ever seen one little boy do stay screaming in one place like that, but it was a 6 year old boy with autism who had lots of phobias and this triggered it off. How did the school deal with it?

Hugs and well wishes to all :)

The one crying was me though in private when I got home of course. My PFB at school - and only just 4 (blub).

I started a similar thread on Monday, for my own reassurance!

DS1 (4.6) howled on Monday. He is easily the most 'confident' of his peer group at nursery and I just wasn't expecting it. I left promptly (for my sake as much as his). Teacher comment for the day in school liaison book pretty much what I expected - fine within five minutes.

Day 2, yday, DD1 (2.9) in meltdown because she could not go to school like big brother.

Day 3 mummy upset because, as I expected, not a backward glance, as DS rushed to get in first.

Is it OK to have a stiff drink BEFORE the morning drop-off? Or maybe a swig on the way?

dd1 screamed the place down for the first week of drop-offs. The second day she was trying to crawl out of the classroom on her hands and knees with her teacher hanging onto one ankle.

I had to walk back down the corridor listening to her scream.

Her teacher and TA were brilliant and by the end of the second week she was the first one in and settled into full days long before the rest of the class. They used stickers as a reward for coming in without a fuss.

I will add that she always came out with a big grin on her face, telling me she enjoyed it.

It was tough and I was in tears in the car for most of the week, but she loves her school now and wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

Haven't read whole thread sorry. DS was just the same and loved nursery before etc. Also never did cc...

So we use/d a special "thing" or a kiss for his pocket to help the separation. So I found a special old coin, (of which I curically have two) that is our special thing. He keep it in his pocket and if he gets sad or misses me, he can feel it in his pocket and get it out if need be. It's our secret and no one else knows. Kiss is similar and I kiss his hand and he puts it in his pokcet so he has it for later.

It's a magic kiss though so lasts all day until I pick him up. Critically I give it to him just before he goes in, not at home before we off. I did discuss is it with him the night before the first time I did it and showed him my very, very special thing. et cetc.

We used this in reception to get ovr a sticky patch and have used again this week for launch into year 1. In fact he asked for it this week.

I know it sounds simple, I was desperate and cynical when I found it as an idea on the web/Mumsnet. Can't believe it works but it does. The thing does need to be special tho and only used for those occasions.

Hope things improve.

smokeandglitter - ds didn't scream for the whole time, he just sat apart from all the other children and refused to join in. He shed the odd tear I think but he didn't have a major meltdown.

The teacher went over to him every once in a while to see if he was ready to join in and make sure he was okay. But he wasn't disrupting the rest of the class. We'll see what happens next time he goes (unhelpfully, because of the timing of public holidays here and the phase-in schedule that will not be until Tuesday!)

I think the idea of taking something in to show the teacher may work well for ds, strangely he actually loves being the centre of attention, it's being part of a group he has trouble with.

DS cried and clung (clinged?) every day of his first term at school last year. I also cried on the way home several times , at the thought that I was letting him down. Then I was lucky enough to be asked if DS would take part in a child study for a student on placement at the school. She filmed him throughout the day, and then we looked at the film together to discuss his development etc.

I was pretty surprised to see DS's tears dry up within about 10 seconds of me leaving the classroom, and him laughing and playing with his friends after about a minute. Having seen this, I talked to DS and said Mum does miss you when you're at school, but she wants you to have a lovely time and lots of fun. No more tears since then, for either of us.

I was just asking DS what he would like in his lunch box on his first day at school....(and told him we'd find easy things to eat so he could go and play soon after - don't worry soon I will not accept requests (!) ) he seems so excited about it all and told me exactly what he wanted and I had a wobble and ended up having to go and hide in the loo to have a cry - I really hope I keep it together on Monday so that I don't wobble him in the process....

It is SO hard. My son has never been good at separating from me, and is finding it tough. An added complication is that I have gone back to work. I am home by 4.30 most evenings, so he doesn't have to go to the childminder for long, but it is a lot of change all at once.

He is happy at school but HATES saying goodbye. I put a kiss on his hand to keep, which he does value, but it always makes him cry even harder at the time :-(. I find it hard not to cry too, although have perfected acting chirpy!

I think both of my kids are the sort who will never love school, but tbh both dh and I didn't much like school and we have turned out fine, and both did very well academically.

I think it is very, very hard to leave someone you love when they are upset, and even more so when they are so very young.

I am struggling with this and even mulling over Home Ed as my DD is begging to be home schooled like her best friend.She is a sunny and confident five year old usually but she has only just started full time and is hating it,whereas before she was happy at school.She is crying for an hour every evening and much the same every morning,I left her at school on thursday and came out and cried myself.I feel terrible leaving her there as like other posters I've never ignored crying.I really like the school,but now I do wonder if we should consider HE so I will be watching the thread for help!

alarkaspree, I see, sorry, think I read it in an odd way the first time. Hope it goes better and is less upsetting for you both. :-)

Hi, I can relate to so much people are saying here. I've been on all sides. I cried myself every day for two weeks when I started 'til my dad promised me a colouring book.
One of my boys cried if I took him but was fine for his dad and I have been a reception teacher for about 15 years and taught for 22. To reassure you all, no child has ever cried all day! Most do stop within seconds. One trick I've used and suggested to others which seems to work is to give the child something to take in to share with the teacher and the class. Preferably not a toy but something interesting eg a leaf or a shell from holiday, a flower, a photo anything that they can show to the teacher or to a friend. Teachers (well I do ) always like it when children bring something of interest in. Sorry if I've waffled here. Finally my 18 year old has just gone off to uni. No-one told me how bereft I would feel about that ! Though I am a lot better now :)

Second week in and it's gone somewhat wrong

He was fine the first week - quite happy to go in. But today, ds was screaming and crying, from the minute he got into the playground, (actually from when we left home to walk to school) until the TA peeled him away from me and blocked him from running after me.

I did the brisk - have a lovely day, see you later - thing and walked away. But hearing him cry for me is hard.

(And I started crying when I left the school, so now everyone probably thinks I'm some sort of drama queen as well).

I'm going to try the reward chart posted earlier and see if it works and maybe something in his pocket as well. Gah!