Rules for mobile phones

[stridesy]

Planning on getting my ten year old a phone for next year for high school. Was just wondering what rules other parents had in place as don’t want her on the phone talking to her friend all day! We’ve already had an incident on her iPad with a friend who decided on a play date with another child to send her a video saying that she hated her so obviously will need to monitor it anyway.

Limited time both overall and the individual ones on certain apps blocked overnight, no social media apps, not alowd in room at night (has to be plugged in downstairs. We also did a family phones agreement when we gave dds them (age 11 where we wrote down the general rules like not aloud at dinner table, no being mean to people etc and signed it.. that has worked the one even minor transgression on it phone was confiscated for a day not happened again she is 13 now

I’ve said this before on mumsnet, many times. My kids had iphones from 11 ish I think. They are all fully functional adults, doing well at uni. If I had my time again they’d have had a Nokia until they were at least 14. Maybe older. I think 10 is way too young, and yes I had all the parental controls. Absolutely no social media until 16.

How did your child receive the video on the iPad?

You need to check your intended secondary school policy as thankfully many schools are either mobile phone free or brick phones only.
DD is 12 and has ThePhone+ and an Asda £4 a month no data SIM so can only call or SMS and it was the best decision as she has avoided all the nastiness/drama on social media/whatsapp. She just uses it to text if she’s staying at the park on the way home or to meet friends.

it’s a really common misconception that having a smartphone makes them safer.

Buy one that isn't a smart phone - just an old fashioned thing that can make calls and send texts, only.

Honestly just make it boring we got our oldest a phone 2 weeks before he started high school this year he was very excited about it but after realizing its purely to call or text us if/when needed he realized it was quite boring, so it literally lies in his school bag or he’ll put it in the kitchen on a Friday to be charged at some point over the weekend, none of my 4 kids have ipads or access to social media, youtube, messaging or the internet with the exception for learning/homework which is still supervised.

A few that tend to work well at that age. Phone charges downstairs overnight, not in the bedroom. Set up Screen Time or Family Link from day one so limits come from the phone itself, not from you asking.

Agree the rules together and write them down, even a short list on the fridge, because it lands differently when they helped make it. And keep the group chat monitoring low key but known about, so the unkind video you mention becomes something she tells you about rather than hides.

The first month sets the pattern, so it is worth being firmer at the start and loosening as she shows she can handle it.

Don’t get a phone. Get an Apple Watch w cellular. Lock it down so no self-esteem destroying apps like Insta and no bully-facilitating apps like WhatsApp. Limit contacts to only ones you add/approve. What this does is: gives her a way to contact you by call or text (and vice versa), lets you track her location on FindMy and means that the screen is less enticing for scrolling, wasting time, etc. It is just a functional tool. Also she can’t lose it because strapped to her wrist. Bonus for all the encouragement it gives them to move, hit exercise goals, etc. Getting my DC a watch instead of a phone was an excellent choice. He uses it to listen to music but is never glued to it the way I have seen kids with a phone. Good luck.

Since you have time before the phone arrives, it is worth doing the readiness work now rather than once it is in her hand. This checklist covers the questions worth talking through together first, like what she would do if a mean video got sent to her, and whether she understands anything shared can spread further.

kidsnclicks.com/10-questions-to-ask-before-giving-your-child-their-first-smartphone/

On the iPad incident, I would make telling you about horrible stuff completely consequence free. If reporting a mean video never costs her the phone, she keeps coming to you when it matters.

Phone stays downstairs, never allowed upstairs.
No apps without permission. They are only allowed WhatsApp in terms with social.media, no tiktok, no insta etc.
My child has WhatsApp but is only allowed two friends from school that we have met and know. No groups, if they are added then they leave straight away. No photos or videos sent. No links opened without permission. We have spoken at length about how a photo once sent is out there forever so they should never send anything they wouldn't be happy for the whole school and us to see. Also they know any issues or worries they can come to us for advice, and they have done that.
Thankfully my child isn't that arsed about their phone and only occasionally messages their friend. They know I check it very regularly.