Is this change in my 11-year-old son's attitude normal?

[justaboymummy]

Help!
I'm really struggling with my 11 yo DS recently. Over the last 6 months his general attitude has changed he was such a lovely boy but he has turned into a moody, stroppy and sometimes down right nasty little boy. He doesn't seem to have much nice to say about any of us inc his siblings, we all clearly just "annoy" him. He is a really loving boy though and underneath all of this attitude he is still there, he will still sneak into bed for a cuddle before bed and tell me he loves me etc and can be the lovely boy I knew on lots of occasions. However, his attitude is so disrespectful sometimes and really hurtful and in turn I have noticed a change in his attitude towards (one of) his football coaches and team and have also had a call today from his yr 6 Teacher to say he hasn't had a great start to the year and he has apparently told a new TA to shut up on Friday! Needless to say I am mortified. He hasn't been brought up like this at all and he is such a bright and incredibly talented boy I worry he is going to ruin so much for himself inc relationships and friendships etc.

Is this just his age? Is it the norm for this to start at this age? How is best to handle this as I'm really struggling with him and end up just blowing up and it ends in tears and screaming and shouting which solves nothing. For clarity he is a Sept baby so oldest in his year, busy boy very talented footballer and very academically bright.

I'm really struggling with him and end up just blowing up and it ends in tears and screaming and shouting
You do or he does? Agree this isn’t productive and no one should be screaming or in tears when talking this through. At 11 hormones are all over the place and it’s not unusual in yr 6 for kids to get a bit big for their boots.

What will the consequence be for telling the TA to shut up?

We both do and it is totally not at all productive in anyway I hate it and I want to be more patient but at the sametime when you have an 11 year old with an attitude at you and unwilling to listen it's hard not to react.

Well his Teacher has called me today (about 30 mins ago) and at this stage asked me to have a stern word with him which of course I will do this evening. It seems there are 2 new TA's at the School and it's both of these he has been horrible towards so I do think it's an element of thinking he's king c*ck as he's in yr 6 now etc. He has never been like this in School before over juniors I've had the odd he's been abit chatty too much in class here and there but nothing worrying.

Ok. I find that hard to relate to because as much as my teenager pushes my buttons, it’s never resulted in me screaming, shouting or crying.

I wonder if it might be better to get someone else to have a chat with him about his behaviour in general. Is there anyone he looks up to or admires that could do this?

I would absolutely be giving him a punishment for his behaviour in school. I know sometimes on here people say don’t punish twice for the same thing but it doesn’t sound like he’s being punished much in school either - hence the continuation of the bad behaviour.

I would also be withdrawing him from his football club if he was disrespectful to the coaches or the other players. He has to know that you’re serious and that you will follow through if this continues.

"it doesn’t sound like he’s being punished much in school either"
What would you expect School to do? As I said this is all fairly new so they also may be going through the motions as it isn't like he has been this way with them before! Your comment also seems to insinuate that he has no punishments at home which is very much not the case. He does and he facies being grounded, having his phone taken off him and being stopped playing football however, his football isn't just as simple as a blanket "you're not playing" simply due to his level and contract terms in addition the attitude was not in that setting but in his grassroots he has been told he won't be training or playing until I see an improvement but I cannot stop all of his football it would be extremely damaging to his future. I think you're suggestion of talking or getting someone to talk to him who he admires is a good idea as I feel at the minute everything results in a shouting match and him crying with me and DH saying "your not doing this your not doing that"

I really recommend the book “the book you wish your parents had read”. It will really help you with the challenges of managing the emotions of teenagers. As kids get older, their hormones and emotions grow much faster than they can understand or sometimes even control. He needs consistency and certainty - shouting and crying isn’t an appropriate response to what is developmentally common behaviour. You’re taking it personally when it’s not at all, he’s just in a phase where he’s struggling to communicate or behave appropriately. Use this as an opportunity to develop some tools so you are really confident communicating with moody, sensitive or difficult teenagers, it’ll make you feel so much more confident.

As a side note, anger or bad behaviour can be signs there’s something deeper going on. There’s a phrase “anger always comes with a friend”, ie if they seem cross or hateful there’s usually another emotion like fear, insecurity or uncertainty fuelling it.

Your posts suggest he is playing for a ‘professional’ team? If so, no decent football club will put up with disrespectful 11 year olds.
Can you pinpoint triggers for the rudeness? Is it done in anger? What was going on with the TA before he shouted at them?
With mine, all disrespectful utterances or tone are immediately shut down with a calm but extremely firm ‘I beg your pardon??’ Or ‘NO thank you’. This has been the case since they were very young. Mostly does the trick. For me the response needs to be calm but immediate. It’s exactly how I handle similar age children at school.
What does he need the phone for?? I would be immediately removing it, every time. And then ignoring all tantrums.

@raisinglittlepeople12 Thank you I will download this book tonight it sounds like it's worth a read.

Yes I have thought this myself about something more going on etc and I have explored this with him and asked (calmly) if there's anything he is worried about etc he say's not but then I guess at the moment there is a lot going on. Lots of talk of high schools and open evenings, entrance exams, he is on the cusp of football becoming very serious etc, he had his first girlfriend as well not too long ago for about 6 months and this was when I noticed the change in him tbh but she then finished with him whilst we were on holiday over the summer and now he's back to school with her there, there's 100% no friendship issues that I am certain as his friends are often at ours and these are friends he has had since Reception they have a beautiful bond..... although it could be something he is worried about losing when High School starts too.

How much sport is he doing? If little to nothing then there is one solution, he needs to burn off some of that testosterone and attitude

do not lose your temper, if voices get raised, leave the room and say you’ll come back to this when he’s ready to speak. Until such time as he’s ready to be grown up and communicate, there will be no tv/wifi/phone.

it will pass. He wants more freedom than he can handle, thinks he’s more mature than he is. So listen to him and explain why he can’t do anything he likes and certainly he can’t talk to people like that!

he has out grown his school, secondary will be better, schools never seem to be able to manage to treat children differently to one another and they maintain a one size fits all.

my DS really struggled at school because of this, it was hard. But I can’t express enough to you the need to treat him as an older child, but explain that this comes with added responsibility and that he needs to trust you, and you will trust him.

@Smartiepants79 He is at a professional club yes. He also plays for a grassroots team too which is where he has had a change in attitude recently and as a result I have told him he will not play for them again until he sorts himself out and I will be sticking to.

Regarding the School incident, I haven't actually been told what had gone on tbh the Teacher has simply told me that he was heard telling the TA to shut up when he (my DS) has been leaving the class room...... when he has been spoken to today by his Teacher he has admitted it and apologised straight away but the reason for his outburst I don't yet know but I will be discussing with DS later at home.

I do mostly react in that way tbh as you have mentioned and yes it does often work but since returning to School he has just been that bit more defiant towards me and DH and I have snapped on several occasions shouting at him. I do believe he is veeery hormonal hence the mood changes and emotions and he has started to suffer from headaches and migraines recently which we have seen the Doc about and are keeping a diary on the regularity etc.

As for the phone, I agree at this age they don't really need a phone but unfortunately they also want some independence and responsibility so him having a phone is a security blanket for me to know and contact him when he is playing out with his friends or at the park. His phone is regularly checked and monitored by myself and I have no concerns theres. He will be losing that for the week from tonight though once I have spoken to him.

I'd monitor his phone use very heavily, or take it away. The way people talk to each other online, particularly in some groups and communities is pretty vile and kids don't get the context or nuance.

For example, a lot of kids wouldn't differentiate between someone on a WhatsApp group saying "TA is really annoying me, I wish she'd shut up," and telling her to shut up.

If this started around the same time he got the phone, I'd consider taking it away or giving him a brick.

@SueKeeper Thank you I totally get your point but he 100% does know and recognise the difference with things like this so I'm not concerned there and we have and often do talk about the dangers and cyber safety etc he is very open with his phone never changed any passwords etc and I remove it from him each night it is charged in mine and DH room to ensure there is no temptation.

Things have moved on slightly since my initial post, I am now waiting on his Teacher calling me back to discuss further as my DS has actually called me as soon as he has left School to tell me about today and denies he has said it. He said that him and said TA haven't really clicked yet so he tends to not have much to do with him and that the TA deals more with the "ones who struggle" (his words) which I totally get as my DS is capable and works very independently. I was informed by his Teacher that he was spoken to this morning but actually he has been removed from his lunchtime play to be spoken to. At this point I have just listened to him and his side of the events without giving my thoughts or really pressing too much as I feel he clearly rang me to open up and vent about his day (this I do not want to shut down as I always want them to talk to me openly) I have left it that we will chat more when I am home and given him his instructions for when he gets home as he has (professional) football training tonight.

His version of events have raised several questions for his Teacher to answer though and like I said in my earlier responses to PP there was no narrative to what happened and how him allegedly saying this has come about.

I will just say that I am not calling the teaching staff liars and given how he has been at home lately I can fully believe he has said it and regardless of what has led up to it (if he has indeed said it) it's irrelevant as he should show respect. But I have to hear both sides.

@WildLeader Thank you I am minded to agree with all of your reply 😘

I think your approach is sensible, tell him exactly this and be honest with him. He may net really understand the whole consequences of his actions thing. “DS when you say this people are going to understand ^that* and it may be that you’re right, but sometimes people do think because you’re a kid, they think they know better. Bite your tongue a bit, and come talk to me and perhaps we can work out who’s being unreasonable or how to navigate it”

you already have a good dialogue with him, keep that for going.

The other thing I conveyed at the time to my son when he was a lot younger (he is now nearly 21) was That much as I’d love to give him all the freedom he wants, I have to say no to some things, because there’s a time and a place and an age for this. Also there are risks and dangers that he might not foresee

i also pointed out that at his age, his safety is absolutely my responsibility and one I take seriously

we sadly lost a good friend of his last year, and there was a long and emotional conversation where I told him that losing him was my worst nightmare and now my dear friend had lost her son and my heart was breaking for her. I apologised if I was protective of him, but it was because I knew I wouldn’t be able to go on without him. He said he absolutely understood now, and he did actually understand why I parented the way I did. We did have a conversation when he was 15 and it al came to a head and he said “you have to trust me” and I said “you have to earn trust by being truthful” so he agreed to be more transparent and I agreed to trust him and slowly we moved to the next phase of parenting, from boy to young man in the making.

you got this. Boys are such simple creatures, but they have their challenges. They WILL assert authority, it’s their job, but treat them with respect, insist on the same and keep talking

I love this it sounds like you and your son have a beautiful relationship. I have always had this with my boys (and my DSD 15 now) and I hope to have this moving forward and for them all to show the understanding and maturity you DS is clearly showing. I'm so sorry to hear about your friends DS how heart breaking and something we just cannot comprehend as a mum. All we want is the best for them and to protect them at all costs.

It’ll be tough until he comes out the other side, but you have the foundation of a successful relationship already, he’ll work through this and you’ll have your lovely young man back. Clamping down didn’t work, for us, listening and reason went a long way to getting through this. He also started boxing, then he trained hard in the gym and I think that really helped.

it took a leap of faith for both of us, but I had to remind myself that we’re raising adults, I think boys respond to that. Set expectations that he can achieve, love him and hear him. You’re only butting heads because you love him, so talk to him like an adult and let him into your dilemma so that he takes responsibility for some of the solutions