Supporting my 11-year-old with friendship problems and possible bullying concerns - please help

[muddiecuddles]

11yo DD is very kind and sweet but quite naive, at least compared to her older sister who is very streetsmart. DD has been having a rocky time with friendships in school over the years, in particular as the school for various reasons has mixed up the classes in her year group every couple of years, making it hard for her to maintain solid friendships.

In her last class she had been separated from her best friend, and subsequently fell in with a couple of the 'queen bee' type characters, who were extremely mean to her at the end of the school year last year. She didn't see much of them over the summer, but she describes being excluded from the 'group' since going back to school this year. She had been planning to do a group Halloween costume with two of them, but they now have told her they don't want to do it with her. Obviously we have spoken about the friendship situation and that these girls don't represent real friends etc, this is more for context.

A few days ago, through word of mouth coming to my older daughter, I heard that DD's name has been mentioned as being someone who bullied a child who actually left the school a couple of years ago. We know the family of this child well, and relations absolutely cooled with us from their point of view, which would fit with this situation. I can see that DD, being part of this group of not so nice girls, could have been part of something like bullying (obviously I hope not, and she denies it, but if she was going along with the behavior as she subsequently experienced it, then it is absolutely plausible that she was a participant, even if only as a bystander).

My questions are:

• how the hell do I get DD back on track and support her in making new friends in her new class, most girls are in established groups at this age
• I have a call with her teacher tomorrow, what is reasonable to ask of the school at this stage
• is it worth trying to address / get DD to apologise for the previous bullying behaviour allegations with the other child's mother, or is it too far in the past to risk stirring things up again (very much DH's opinion)
• has the school dropped the ball here in letting this mess evolve? It is the only school my kids have ever been in so I have nothing to compare it to.

Thank you lovely people I'm sure there will be lots of experience and wisdom coming my way fingers crossed :)

Do you tbink you could be perhaps deluded? I am having difficultly reconciling your first line about your 'very kind sweet' dd, with the later revelations about her being a bully.
Why do you think your dd being a bully and having no friends is the school's fault?

If I knew the family well, I’d be contacting them and saying what has just come to my attention. I’d explain that I’m mortified to hear that my daughter was part of a group of bullies and that there were some serious conversations ahead of us about this. I’d also explain that my daughter has had her own friendship struggles and I feel that she fell in with this group in response to that, but we see it as no excuse for bullying behaviour. I’d ask how their daughter is doing now.

A good school should be able to help with some of your daughter’s struggles. My daughter had some social issues around being ostracised and bullied and the school did a lot to encourage new, healthy friendships.

Reopening the historically bullying - what are you trying to gain from that? If the DM of some of the immature DC at school approached me later down the road with a story of not knowing and apology - frankly it’s not particularly meaningful … a bit “sure thanks for letting me know…” - but I am not going to bless your parenting now you know

Would work on the future - finding better friendships for your DC at school / work with the school, and reinforce what appropriate behaviour between friends / between other school children is

Thanks for the replies, and yes I feel I may be deluded; yes the school might have dropped the ball; and am still confused as to whether to chat with the other DM.