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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

DD10 (Y6) hates her life

56 replies

Birchwoods · 31/01/2026 20:34

I’’ getting increasingly worried about my
DD. She’s 10 and in Y6 but is one of the youngest in the year and is probably less mature than most of the other girls.
she has one very good friend but keeps getting upset late at night saying that nobody likes her, she’s only got one friend, she hates school and hates her life. She’ll be in floods of tears at 11.30pm.

There’s quite a big group of girls in her class and a Y6 girls group chat, which my DD is on. A lot of the girls are the typical popular type and love drama (DD’s teacher told me this and says my DD stays out of the drama). The girls will talk to DD on the group a bit but don’t talk to her or include her at school and it’s really getting her down. She feels invisible and excluded, and says she’s not bothered about being popular but just wants to be noticed. She’s confused as to why they don’t want to include her. One of them had a sleepover last weekend and DD was one of the only girls to not be invited and she keeps asking me why she wasn’t invited.

She’s never been particularly positive and has never been v enthusiastic about school, but it’s heartbreaking to see her so unhappy and unsettled in her friendships. How can I help her? She starts secondary school in Sept and I’m hopeful that she’ll find her tribe there, but how can I help
her now? She’s a sweet girl, loves drawing and anime but is definitely too attached to her phone, which I severely limit now.

Anyone else’s DD struggling at this age?

OP posts:
climbintheback · 31/01/2026 20:43

I hate to say this but it’s all about fitting in with girls right clothes right hair right bag right shoes - new school new start hopefully.

Smartiepants79 · 31/01/2026 20:48

She is only yr6 why the phone? Why the group chat!?
How have her friendships been historically? Is this new?
Does she do things outside school.

restforu · 31/01/2026 20:50

That's tough and also very normal. Definitely keep her off TikTok and other types of content like that. Consider taking her off the group chat.

The best thing you can do is to reassure her that it's a phase, she will meet lots of new people at high school. And could she get into an absorbing hobby? Netball is great as he could get on the team or dance, there are usually lots of dace opportunities at school. It's so important for them to focus on things that aren't to do with how they look. Can you boost her academically? Hopefully she'll get not higher sets and gets confidence that way.

OhMaria2 · 31/01/2026 20:54

Get her away from the group chat . Of course that would make her miserable, its a window into everything she is missing out on. Why are you allowing that? When we were little at least there was a limit on feeling left out.

Fbfbfvfvv · 31/01/2026 20:56

She will find her tribe in high school. Contrary to the first reply you received I don’t think being a clone of the clone types will help her, they don’t sound like they would be her type of people (which is a good thing). Being unashamedly herself is what is going to find her the right type of friends - the type who love her for who she is.

Edited to add - my child went through a phase like that in Junior school - but has a large group of friends in high school.

Trainnner · 31/01/2026 20:58

Take her phone away, she’s far too young and it’s inappropriate for her to have one. Do some reading into it.

I’m sorry she’s unhappy - the phone will be making it worse.

What about clubs? Any she’s interested in that she might make friends at?

Original poster
Birchwoods · 31/01/2026 21:04

Smartiepants79 · 31/01/2026 20:48

She is only yr6 why the phone? Why the group chat!?
How have her friendships been historically? Is this new?
Does she do things outside school.

It’s got no SIM card in so it’s not used like a proper phone, just got chatting with friends when she’s allowed. I think if she didn’t have it she would be the o my one who doesn’t! Unfortunately just the way things are now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Birchwoods · 31/01/2026 21:11

restforu · 31/01/2026 20:50

That's tough and also very normal. Definitely keep her off TikTok and other types of content like that. Consider taking her off the group chat.

The best thing you can do is to reassure her that it's a phase, she will meet lots of new people at high school. And could she get into an absorbing hobby? Netball is great as he could get on the team or dance, there are usually lots of dace opportunities at school. It's so important for them to focus on things that aren't to do with how they look. Can you boost her academically? Hopefully she'll get not higher sets and gets confidence that way.

She doesn’t access any social media at all. She FaceTimes friends and goes on Pinterest to get ideas for drawings.
She had a couple of weeks with no screens/devices but then felt completely left out and excluded because she wasn’t able to chat with any friends. I agree that screens are a big problem - for all kids - but her usage is extremely limited. It’s a difficult situation because when she had time away from
devices completely she felt even more left out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Birchwoods · 31/01/2026 21:13

restforu · 31/01/2026 20:50

That's tough and also very normal. Definitely keep her off TikTok and other types of content like that. Consider taking her off the group chat.

The best thing you can do is to reassure her that it's a phase, she will meet lots of new people at high school. And could she get into an absorbing hobby? Netball is great as he could get on the team or dance, there are usually lots of dace opportunities at school. It's so important for them to focus on things that aren't to do with how they look. Can you boost her academically? Hopefully she'll get not higher sets and gets confidence that way.

She plays netball once a week, and is not at all into her appearance, which I’m grateful for!

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 31/01/2026 21:16

This is not my experience of that age group at all. Most don’t have their own phones. What group chat is she using if she doesn’t have any social media or sim?

Trainnner · 31/01/2026 21:19

Birchwoods · 31/01/2026 21:04

It’s got no SIM card in so it’s not used like a proper phone, just got chatting with friends when she’s allowed. I think if she didn’t have it she would be the o my one who doesn’t! Unfortunately just the way things are now.

Show quote history

I have an 11 year old and they don’t have a phone and nobody in their friend group has a phone. Their school has banned them (year 7). It’s not the way things are right now!

Can you find a group of parents who feel similarly? A banding together of parents really helps keep children off phones for longer.

Original poster
Birchwoods · 31/01/2026 21:20

Smartiepants79 · 31/01/2026 21:16

This is not my experience of that age group at all. Most don’t have their own phones. What group chat is she using if she doesn’t have any social media or sim?

iMessage. Do you have similar aged DCs? She would literally be the only one to not have a device of some kind if she didn’t have one, and that is certainly not unusual. Many children at her school had functional phones from Y4 when they started walking home on their own. Hers is no different to an iPad without the sim and her screen time is much more restricted and monitored than most.

OP posts:
Trainnner · 31/01/2026 21:23

Year 4 is wild!!! Are you in the UK?

Presumably no sim means she can use it at home when on the wifi.

I am sure these group messages are making her feel worse (she can see what’s happening that she isn’t invited to). I also understand that if everyone has it and she doesn’t then she will feel further out.

Does she have any friends without a phone?

My child doesn’t have a single friend WITH a smartphone (we are London and the trend is dumb phones with no internet so can only call and text and even the most don’t have one).

Original poster
Birchwoods · 31/01/2026 21:26

Trainnner · 31/01/2026 21:23

Year 4 is wild!!! Are you in the UK?

Presumably no sim means she can use it at home when on the wifi.

I am sure these group messages are making her feel worse (she can see what’s happening that she isn’t invited to). I also understand that if everyone has it and she doesn’t then she will feel further out.

Does she have any friends without a phone?

My child doesn’t have a single friend WITH a smartphone (we are London and the trend is dumb phones with no internet so can only call and text and even the most don’t have one).

Edited

Yes, UK, but not London. No, all of her friends have a phone, which I hate, but I don’t want her to be a social pariah if I completely ban it!

OP posts:
ThisIsAGlobalPlayerOriginalPodcast · 31/01/2026 21:26

Genuinely I think popularity is something you’re born with. Some of the “popular” girls in my school were rotten to the fucking core.

Original poster
Birchwoods · 31/01/2026 21:27

Trainnner · 31/01/2026 21:23

Year 4 is wild!!! Are you in the UK?

Presumably no sim means she can use it at home when on the wifi.

I am sure these group messages are making her feel worse (she can see what’s happening that she isn’t invited to). I also understand that if everyone has it and she doesn’t then she will feel further out.

Does she have any friends without a phone?

My child doesn’t have a single friend WITH a smartphone (we are London and the trend is dumb phones with no internet so can only call and text and even the most don’t have one).

Edited

Yes she can only use it when connected to WiFi.

OP posts:
ThisIsAGlobalPlayerOriginalPodcast · 31/01/2026 21:27

Birchwoods · 31/01/2026 21:26

Yes, UK, but not London. No, all of her friends have a phone, which I hate, but I don’t want her to be a social pariah if I completely ban it!

Show quote history

Yeah my 11 year old recently got a phone and she was the very last one of the girls in her class. So I believe you.

Original poster
Birchwoods · 31/01/2026 21:29

Her finding out about the sleepover was actually
because a friend told her when she was at our house for a play date, she didn’t find out on the group chat. She didn’t tell her to be mean, they were talking about doing something the following weekend and the friend said she can’t because she has so and so’s party, and DD said to me, have I been invited? 😢

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 31/01/2026 21:30

Birchwoods · 31/01/2026 21:20

iMessage. Do you have similar aged DCs? She would literally be the only one to not have a device of some kind if she didn’t have one, and that is certainly not unusual. Many children at her school had functional phones from Y4 when they started walking home on their own. Hers is no different to an iPad without the sim and her screen time is much more restricted and monitored than most.

Show quote history

Yes, my Dd is yr8. Most of her peers got their phones at the start of secondary. Phones in yr6 was unusual. I also teach yr 6. It is not my experience that they all have phones.
You don’t say if this is a new problem. In her younger years how where her friends?
Try and get her involved in things outside school to find other friendships. Are there no girls in the year group she could invite round for tea to try and build new relationships.

BadgernTheGarden · 31/01/2026 21:31

She could have her own sleepover and invite the girls she likes. It's not always possible to invite everyone.

Alljan · 31/01/2026 21:34

My DD is in Y7 and isn’t allowed to have group messaging and only got a phone in the last week of Y6. She’s in the minority in not having WhatsApp/iMessage but certainly not the only one (in the south east in an upmarket town). The horse may have bolted if she already has the groups but might be helpful to know if you do take the action to remove it

Blondieeeee · 31/01/2026 21:35

Time to widen her horizons - time to hang out with the less dramatic girls on the outside of the IT group, also join new clubs outside of school

ohfourfoxache · 31/01/2026 21:39

Similar issues with DS10 (Y6) atm - refuses to go to school

Just offering a virtual hand hold and marking my place

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 31/01/2026 21:39

Year 6 is awful for girls, and their Mum's. It does get better. You just have to be there and help her understand what makes good friends and to spot the bad 'uns.

Alphabetamega · 31/01/2026 21:39

I could have posted this about DD at this age. She struggled so much in primary, was always liked, kids always said hi and came to her parties etc but never in a girls group, and she felt so down about herself. She often said her happiest years at school were Covid when she didn’t have to be around people.

We very much focused on the fact that she just hasn’t found her people yet. It was hard, but in the last term of Y6 she seemed to accept that these kids were not for her and had a better time.

In secondary she’s flourishing. She really made an effort at the start of secondary to just try and meet as many girls as she could, tried all the clubs that were of interest and has now found a nice quirky group of girls that ‘get’ her. She is along side this has had counselling for self esteem issues and while we are not 100% there it is night and day in terms of her happiness.

I would echo pp re the group chats - one hard and fast rule here is no group chats. She has a dumb phone. Friends all have a mixture of smart phones and dumb phones and it’s not an issue socially (London school)