DD10 (Y6) hates her life

[Birchwoods]

I’’ getting increasingly worried about my
DD. She’s 10 and in Y6 but is one of the youngest in the year and is probably less mature than most of the other girls.
she has one very good friend but keeps getting upset late at night saying that nobody likes her, she’s only got one friend, she hates school and hates her life. She’ll be in floods of tears at 11.30pm.

There’s quite a big group of girls in her class and a Y6 girls group chat, which my DD is on. A lot of the girls are the typical popular type and love drama (DD’s teacher told me this and says my DD stays out of the drama). The girls will talk to DD on the group a bit but don’t talk to her or include her at school and it’s really getting her down. She feels invisible and excluded, and says she’s not bothered about being popular but just wants to be noticed. She’s confused as to why they don’t want to include her. One of them had a sleepover last weekend and DD was one of the only girls to not be invited and she keeps asking me why she wasn’t invited.

She’s never been particularly positive and has never been v enthusiastic about school, but it’s heartbreaking to see her so unhappy and unsettled in her friendships. How can I help her? She starts secondary school in Sept and I’m hopeful that she’ll find her tribe there, but how can I help
her now? She’s a sweet girl, loves drawing and anime but is definitely too attached to her phone, which I severely limit now.

Anyone else’s DD struggling at this age?

she has always been close to her best friend, they are from the same NCT group so have been together since they were babies. Over the years there have been ups and downs with friendships with a gradual evolution of friendship groups. She was happy with her friendships in Y4 and Y5, although one girl she was friends with was v dominant and would hit her in a playful way but DD didn’t like it but didn’t feel able to stand up for herself. The final straw was when this girl slapped her round the face at another friend’s bday meal because DD spilt a glass of water (the bday girl’s mum told me what happened and spoke to the other girl’s mum). It all seemed to go downhill after that as DD decided she could no longer be friends with this girl - who is a bully - but the girl then told everyone DD was lying (despite two other friends witnessing what happened) and that was a really upsetting time for her. The groups seem to have evolved even more and there’s now quite a big girl group. I don’t think it helped that they mixed the classes up
again this year.
She never had LOADS of friends but was happy with the friends she had. She’s actually at a sleepover tonight with a girl who was always in a group with her and her best friend but has now started talking to DD much less at school because she’s more interested in being with the popular girls.

good, when she goes to high school she'll easily get on the team, brilliant for making friends and great for kudos

Thank you. It’s so hard!

Your dd sounds a bit like mine (older now) a bit sensitive but great all rounder. It will help her a lot to grow a thicker skin. Easier said than done I know.

So sorry you’re going through this too. It’s so upsetting for everyone. I hope things get better for your DS. 10 and 11 yr olds can be awful!

Honestly I think a group chat at this age is crazy and yes, I have a 10 year old yr 6 kid. A couple have phones and message each other, but most don't and certainly not a single sex group chat which see.ms absolutely destined to be used to bully and isolate the other girls

Are there no lads she might have closer interests with?

Seconding the reassurance that she is much more likely to find her tribe in secondary school! I am a teacher and very often will sneakily change my seating plan to put year 7s together who I think will be good friends, particularly if one seems to be very quiet or struggling at the start of the year (last year I sat two girls together who had both written on their get to know me sheets that they liked anime and they’re now inseparable!) - is it possible that there might be some neurodivergence going on which could lead her to feel “different” from the other girls? I would encourage her to pursue any hobbies and interests she has and ideally to join some clubs with others who have similar interests!

There is so much evidence showing how unhappy socialising through phones makes children, especially girls.
You are making excuses not to take it away or at least remove her from the group chats, but you really need to reconsider. These children aren't emotionally mature enough to handle the complications of group chats and they inevitably end in bickering at best, but often bullying.
My 12 year old daughter isn't allowed in group chats. She is allowed to message individual friends, but actually that doesn't seem to have the same addictiveness as the group chats and definitely doesn't have the same difficult dynamics. She doesn't miss out. In fact, she enjoys more varied activities and isn't constantly embroiled in fallouts and arguments that her friends who are in group chats are dealing with.

She has her whole life to get involved with group chats. But while her brain is developing, I'd delay it while you can.

That’s so reassuring, thank you. She’s not confident in herself at all, I’m trying to really focus on the fact that it’s others that have the problem and not her and that she is wonderful, kind, very academic, funny and a great friend, and that she’s nice she gets to secondary school there will be so many activities that she can immerse herself in and find her people. She is definitely more alternative in her interests than most of the girls in her school now.

she’s so reluctant to try new things though. She plays netball but isn’t massively enthusiastic about it, and has tried various activities like gymnastics and ice skating but never loves it. She’s just not v sporty. Her biggest interest is drawing, which is not a very social hobby!

That’s lovely to hear. So great that those girls found each other. I hope DD has teachers like you!

I’m definitely going to remove her from the group chat. I’m not making excuses, I just don’t want her to end up having a harder time than she already is. But I agree that phones make things worse. I’ve already restricted her use of it but will ban the group chat for sure.

I’m all for dummy phones and have already told her she won’t be having a smart phone for secondary school.

She used to be good friends with a few of the boys but unfortunately they all seem to be in single sex friendship groups now and the boys all just play football.

a lot of the girls in her class also play football, which makes DD feel left out but she doesn’t want to start playing football!

It is often a tough age - I was very happy at primary school until Y6 where suddenly you couldn't be friends with boys anymore and all the girls wanted to be super girly. And although I was one of the older kids, I was also not very mature emotionally - I was very much a child and not a 'tween' at that stage.

I'll be honest and say I didn't have a great start to secondary either, but when we started mixing up classes more and I did a school musical in Y9 I met the people who would be my friends for the rest of my time and subsequent years were really happy.

OTOH oldest DC wasn't very happy at primary and didn't have lots of friends and I worried about secondary as they were so unconventional, but actually they really did well there socially, so it goes to show you never can tell.

I’d not promise that secondary school will be better and she will find loads of friends because she might not. She might end up bullied. And then she will feel even worse because you’ve talked up secondary school. Secondary school was the absolute worst for me, and for others I imagine.

on
Her biggest interest is drawing, which is not a very social hobby!

It can be very social if she gets into painting and making sets for the school play.

Kids should not be in group chats. They can't cope with that at their age. Arrange some one-to-one get togethers/ playdates to make proper connections.

I hated secondary school too, but at least she will have more options for friendships there, it’s very restricted at the moment.

The school she will go to has a fantastic art department so I’m hoping she’ll get involved with that.

I would take her off the group chat to be honest I don’t think this is helpful at all and maybe invite some girls round for a pizza one night see how that goes or arrange to go bowing or something instead?

My friends little girl was exactly like this in year 6 and really struggled with the girl friendship groups but as soon as she went to secondary it was fine. Most of the kids change so much in year 6 ready to move onto secondary and it’s a whole different ball game. No advice but just wanted to let you know it’s not unusual, I hope she is ok and things sort themselves out for her soon. The exciting things they have going on in year 6 come the end of spring/before summer should help, though appreciate that’s a few months yet xxx

Yuck

My DD is in Y4 and this will absolutely be her in Y6. I’m not looking forward to it.But I truly believe that secondary does open a lot of doors. It also resets all these groups because everyone disperses.

My child is in y8 and only got an iPad/iMessage at 13, doesn’t have a smart phone. I don’t know many that do. Y4 is insane. As people said, the chat is making her feel shit about herself - it’s hard to cope with that in my 40s let alone at her age

She’s not in Y4, she’s in Y6 (although I agree far too early, I am planning to get a dumb phone in Y7 and no groups/smart capability until Y9 at the very earliest - later if I can hold it off)

I’m not sure if @QueenofFoxwas replying to me - but I simply meant I relate to DD not having found her people and lack of friendships being an issue (not the phone stuff)

Get her off the phone altogether.

Ten is much too young for access to an addictive device, and without going cold turkey she will never get away from the group chat drama, because there is a new episode every night.

Your worries about her feeling left out even more than she is already if she doesn’t have a phone are just excusing your own permissive behaviour - you wouldn’t be so keen to support access to recreational drugs so why are you enabling her addiction to dopamine and adrenaline?

Half term is coming. Get her into physical and social activities outside school with different children - Scouts or Guides, an art class, a pony day at a local stable yard. She sounds a sensitive soul and replacing the overthinking needs to be a priority.

Arrange one-on-one playdates with the girls that seem sensible and friendly, and whose parents’ attitudes align with yours. Do something exciting and euphoric so your DD and her chosen friend are envied - this goes a long way towards correcting the pecking order that has developed in your DD’s class, in which she is currently an underdog.

Art is our DD’s extra curricular of choice - she’s not sporty at all either - can she go to an art class on the weekends?

I will echo others warnings re not telling her she will def find it better in secondary, especially given the developmental stages they are going through. Girl friendships in secondary can be brutal. I didn’t find my tribe until I was post uni and in work and I’m very open with my daughter about that too. However she and I recognised that she needed to at least try - and dive into secondary with a positive mindset and she needed to make an effort by doing clubs etc as her tribe wasn’t just going to magically appear.