My 11 year old daughter says she wants to be a boy

[Idontunderstand3]

So I’ve got absolutely no one really to talk to about this.

Please be a bit gentle because I’m trying pretty hard.

Over the last 3 months since my daughter became friends with another child at her new secondary school (shes going into year 7) she’s changed.

This friend apparently went through a stage as identifying as a cat and now identifies as a boy but wasn’t born one.

My daughter’s never been a particularly girly girl.

She loved Harry Potter and then all of a sudden started saying that JK Rowling is a bigot and transphobe etc etc.

She cut her long hair short.

We had a long conversation about it and discussed why JK Rowling may have her views.

Then we moved house and she decided she wanted dinosaur’s as her theme in her bedroom.

Then she started choosing boys clothes.

Now I’ve always suspected she might be somewhat neurodiverse but as it hasn’t significantly impact her I didn’t pursue it. I’m not sure if that’s even relevant.

But I was getting the vibe that she was exploring boys things and it became more and more.

I even told her dad (we are divorced) about my suspicions a few nights ago… he poo poo’d it and said she’s just finding herself.

Last night my daughter told me that an old friend had been unkind to her on WhatsApp. She was particularly upset. Lots of crying.

It turns out that she’s told them all that she feels and identifies as a boy and they have taken the Micky out of her.

She’s blocked them all. She’s going to a secondary in a different town that they aren’t going to.

I’m really sad that she didn’t feel she could tell me - but could tell her whole school year… but I get it also because of my views.

I’ve told her it’s natural not to love your body when going through pubity because it’s hard. I told her I felt awkward for a long time. I’ve told her I love her and I support her even if I don’t understand really. That I love and support her no matter what she chooses.

I fundamentally don’t believe you can change your sex. I do believe you can choose your gender. We’ve had this conversation before which is probably why she never said anything to me.

And today we’ve been sorting out clothes. She’s binned virtually all of the more girly ones.

I’m in the garden having a bit of a cry because I don’t want to make this about me. But I don’t know what to do with all these feelings I’m having. I’m also hormonal which doesn’t help.

I don’t have a partner to talk to. Her dad’s pretty useless with emotions and I don’t have many friends.

Her dad was emotionally abusive. I lost myself for a long time. I can’t help but feel that she’s looked at me and decided she doesn’t want to be anything like me.

I can’t help but feel like I’ve failed as a role model.

I would never ever express any of this to her. Ever.

What on earth do I do?
I’m having counselling because of the after effects of my terrible marriage but because I’m starting a new job I can’t see my counsellor till the end of September.

Should I get her counselling?

She also hates her name. It is feminine. Doesn’t know what she would prefer though.

First of all big hugs to you, it’s hard with ND children, I have 2 DD16 with ASD who is non-binary, and DD13 who supports them 100% but has not mentioned any similar feelings about himself.
DD has been NB since year 8 and we just support them, getting them help albeit hard, through our local LGBTQ* network as they have a young person meet up with counselling advice etc. and we also have a Pride shop we stumbled upon who also provide counselling so we signed up a few weeks ago and waiting for a call. I believe from a teacher friend that it. An often be a phase, but I’d be inclined to support her and perhaps rather than bin clothes, put them in the loft for a while and see what happens, she doesn’t need to know. Don’t make a big issue but continue your support and just see what happens - good luck and there’s a board on MN about LGBTQ children

Well it could be a phase, it might last for life.
If they were my child, I would just be totally supportive and let them know I’m there for them.

Unfortunately there are no easy answers. I'm with you on not believing you can change sex...
Sounds like she's being heavily influenced by the other child and that's deeply concerning. Grooming? Are you checking her phone/computer history to get an idea of what's happening there.
If she doesn't like her name, could you explore a shorter version/nick name.
You obviously need to keep communicating, which sounds like you are.
Might need to flag your concerns with the school about the other child....(How did they meet?) Also talk with the school about your daughter and what she's saying, so lines of communication are there between you both.
I'm sorry I don't really have an answer but my heart goes out to you.

I think you've done the right thing by supporting her so far. Apart from her friendship with the girl, was there anything else that might have started her thoughts in this direction? If it was my child, I'd probably let them wear what they wanted (as long as appropriate for school etc), but would continue to be a loving tether to reality, gently reminding her that it's impossible to be a boy but she can dress and wear her hair as she pleases. And of course reinforcing how much you love her no matter what.

She’s 11.

‘That’s nice. Do you want sausages for dinner?’

No need to make it dramatic.

Shes only 11, no need to be dramatic. Just say okay or thats nice and change the conversation. Shes way to young to be making decisions like that.

Just say ‘ well you’re not and never can be a boy’ and keep her off internet grooming channels.

I went through a tomboy stage at that age and wanted to be a boy. Glad no one labelled me as trans, it was a phase. I know for some people it will be more than that but I wouldn't be too quick labelling them.

Hey friend. Im a trans teen, and so I understand where your kid is coming from. As others have said, try to support them. I know theyre only 11, but thats around when I started realizing I was trans. Some people say it might be a phase, and it might be! But either way they need support right now. If its a phase, no harm done, and if its a true life-long thing, then its better to support them then shun them. I would have a talk and ask what made them realize, what you can help them with, etc. It sounds like theyre being made fun of by that old friend, so they definitely probably need someone to talk to. My mom has a rule that I cant take any medicine / get any surgeries until 18 and I think thats fair. Maybe tell them that. If its a phase then they won't need it anyway. Again, all I urge you to do is support them and love them unconditionally. Puberty is rough, and theyre likely just trying to figure themselves out right now. ❤

You need to keep her as far away from the internet and social media as is humanly possible. This is social contagion at its finest. Keep her busy, get her into groups and hobbies, and focused on real life and real relations. Often kids this age latch into trans stuff to feel special and unique, it never works and unfortunately for your child she’s coming into it just as petite are raising that the emperor has no clothes on and the wheels are falling off the entire thing. Five years ago nobody would have laughed but now it’s becoming more common.

and I say this gently, please monitor her internet usage very very carefully. My DS was a lovely boy, ND and role following to the extreme. Loved by teachers, A* student etc. Claimed he was trans about 14-15 . I ignored but showed him to grow his hair and wear what he wanted. The week after his 18th the police came through my door and I find out he’d been looking at illegal images. Turned out he’d been groomed online by adults and had developed a porn addiction. He ended up with an SHPO. Two weeks ago (after 26) the police turned up again. He’s in prison now on remand. It’s destroyed his life but also mine, my husbands, our other children. We have lost friends after it hit the news and social media. Horrific things have been said about all of us. I 100% blame the transgender movement for stealing my son and brainwashing him as a child.

I also wanted to be a boy when I was 11.

Just try and explain to her that she can never become a boy, but that it’s absolutely fine to have her own personality and like what she likes. Girls can like dinosaurs and wear trousers, boys can paint their nails and like princesses, all fine.

And as PP said, keep her off the internet.

It’s likely she’s just been easily influenced like all of these other young kids who think they’re in the wrong body.

I would try and be really passive about it. Just say ‘ok, great’ and carry on with normal stuff. I wouldn’t try and turn it into this massive, deep discussion as if this is genuinely what she wants.

she’s so young and everyone seems to be so impressionable these days. She will probably change her mind.

Most often children that age have little practical experience of interacting with the opposite sex. And trans-identified young people often seem to have extremely partial understanding of what ordinary life for their opposite sex peers involves. They often retain extremely sex-stereotypical interests (though usually more toward the nerdy side of the spectrum; videogames and fanfiction rather than football and fashion). Maybe you could ask her what it is about the boys she knows that she wants to emulate. I suspect there may be very little, or what there is may be rather superficial!

The week after his 18th the police came through my door and I find out he’d been looking at illegal images. Turned out he’d been groomed online by adults and had developed a porn addiction.

Every single boy, ND, trans or not, has looked at porn during their teen years. Very, very few end up in jail for viewing illegal content. So there is clearly an element of accountability rather than blaming social media and "groomers".

I don't blame her. When I was 11 I wanted to be a boy too.

Faced with all the rubbish that girls like (or put up with), it's no surprise.
Restrictive clothes, focus on looks and nails and hair and all the boring stuff. My interests were the complete opposite.

But when I was 11, no-one changed sex, they just wore the clothes they wanted, had their hair cut short and hung out with a different crowd. It was much easier. No-one demanded momentous decisions, they just let me get on with being interested in farming and cycling and building things.

I think you should support her choices in terms of appearance, friends and activities but tell her there is no need to worry about anything more complex yet.

Surely you just say ‘well you can’t be an actual boy, no-one can change sex’ but of course she can have short hair etc - decide not to do ‘girlie’ stuff etc - tell her it’s fine to be what we used to call a tomboy but that’s it.

Yeah thanks for your assumptions but he was literally groomed by adults into believing he was trans from just becoming a teen , the adults sent him hentai, then it rapidly escalated. I had zero idea. Yes my son is AuDhd. And he’s taking accountability and serving his sentence ( he doesn’t have any choice). If you mean MY accountability I beat myself up every day for not being more internet savvy ten years ago and knowing what signs to look out for.

Also you do know that pornography is one the biggest growing addiction in teenagers and adults? My best friend works in the prison service and her prison is creating/repurposing an entire new wing to accommodate online sex offenders.

Surest way to drive a massive wedge

Exactly the same here. I think its really common, but in this day and age where it's all about labels and the changing of genders becoming such a common thing in schools it seems to have become a much bigger thing. When I was going through it in 2000s you were just considered a tomboy and no one fed into it anymore than that. I'm glad it wasn't a time when my parents could have taken me to get puberty blockers or enroll me in school in a different name. Its too hard to come back from when the phase is over if you have built your life around it

Has she started her period? I did at 11 and wished to be a boy too. It’s a really hard time. It sounds like you are doing great, hopefully she can meet some other friends before the idea becomes too embedded.

Tell her she can’t.

Job done.

Totally this.

When I was 11 I had short hair and played soccer 24/7. Most of my friends were boys because they liked soccer as well. We didn't spend time on "defining" ourselves back then.

@Idontunderstand3 I think you can tell your daughter that her friend recently defined herself as a cat and now as a boy. Therefore it's quite unnessecary to spend time defining yourself as x or y. She is a female but most importantly she is a unique person who likes abc but not def for now. This might change the next week/month/year/decade who knows?