DD wants to be non binary, age 12

[Y0gamummy]

My DD (just turned 12) has told me that she's not happy being a girl and wants to be gender neutral/non binary. In her mind this should involve a new name and using 'they' pronouns. I've been caught completely off guard and am not sure I'm striking the right balance between keeping open communication and keeping this sensible. I know she has been struggling with puberty and also that she feels like an outsider sometimes amidst other more girly girls in her class so I feel that this is related. My initial response was to say that there are a million different ways to be a girl and it's her choice how she embodies that. I did say that I thought the pronouns and labels were unnecessary while she's so young and figuring out who she is, and that there were plenty of other ways to be more gender neutral. She has now asked me what I think those ways are and I'm a bit stumped. She dresses exactly as she pleases and that's pretty neutral and she recently had her hair cut short. She is regularly mistaken for a boy now with the short haircut which makes me feel a little sad if I'm honest and confused as to how that is more neutral. She broke her phone a few weeks ago so I've not been able to check it but her search history on laptop shows this to be very recent and mostly searching for info from sources like NHS. I guess I'm concerned that she will go down a rabbit hole with this and then me up persuaded that she needs a label just because she doesn't want to wear make up or talk about boys? That possibly shows my own naivety (judgement?) re this topic. Any tips on being supportive and non judgemental but at same time not encouraging her to make big identity decisions when she's only 12 and still figuring everything out? I'm gutted to think she's unhappy in herself and feel out my depth.

Just bumping for you because this must be a minefield for you. Hopefully someone comes along who has experienced it too🤞

Theres a few organisations that may be able
to help you have a look on Google.

Mermaids
Gendered Intelligence
The Proud Trust are a few I think

I like what you've said to her - lots of different ways to be a girl, and she can make those choices for herself. I would be playing the 'non binary' stuff down with a smile and a shrug and not feed it with much attention. Other than that, keep a close eye on her Internet usage and try to keep her off screens as much as possible

Where has she heard the idea of this? Does she have internet restrictions?

In your shoes I'd try to keep things as casual as possible OP. Lots of young people go through a phase of questioning their sexuality or gender and I think making a big deal of it makes it harder for them to row back from their position later on. So I'd let her do what she wants (unless she mentions anything irreversible like taking puberty blockers) and act as if I don't really mind either way.

I would not run with this. She’s 12 and you must know all the concerns that have been raised. Did she go to the hairdresser alone? I’d read the Cass Review which charities like Mermaids disparaged.

Why would it matter if she went to the hairdresser alone, should she not be allowed the hair cut of her choice?

Has she started her period? If she’s had a hard time with it then I can see the attraction of pretending that she’s not a woman.

Not mermaids. Look for unbiased advice. Try Genspect. There’s a YouTube channel also.

'Mermaids
Gendered Intelligence
The Proud Trust are a few I think'

OP, avoid these organisations. The Bayswater Support group is for parents of gender-questioning children and they take a 'watch and wait' approach - try them instead

Have her friendships changed? Could it be a reaction to her friends growing up in a way that’s different to her? For example I didn’t get excited about crushes and boys until I was much much older and never developed an interest in stuff like makeup and doing nails.
Could she be getting a hard time for trying to be friends with boys or trying to resist romantic attention from boys by toning down her femininity?

Tell her she’s female and always will be, and that there’s plenty of ways to be a girl.

Job done.

Anything else is frankly negligent parenting.

Run a mile ( or ten) from mermaids particularly. Be careful what clubs she joins at school, she's maybe feeling left out and looking for a tribe. Try finding some healthy activities out of school. Jogging ( park run, couch to 5k) climbing, pottery, archery, climbing, crochet. Anything to keep her grounded and off the internet.

This is a minefield.

Best approach is to very casually say, that’s fine, we’ll respect your they/them pronouns, but think that it’s better to keep your name or shorten it so that you have consistency for birth cert/passport/GCSE certs whatever. If she’s called Jane, she could go by Jay. Or whatever.

I would brush it off casually and avoid further conflict. If you have conflict, it pushes her further into the arms of whatever she’s reading online.

Mine and lots of her friends were non binary at that age. Definitely a Y8 thing. She cut her hair into an awful wolf cut and said many questionable things. We just went along with it, lots of ‘we love you whatever’. Four years later she’s Velcro’d to her boyfriend of 2 years, long blond hair and laughs about it.

There’s lots of good advice above.

This is a minefield.

Best approach is to very casually say, that’s fine, we’ll respect your they/them pronouns, but think that it’s better to keep your name or shorten it so that you have consistency for birth cert/passport/GCSE certs whatever. If she’s called Jane, she could go by Jay. Or whatever.

I would brush it off casually and avoid further conflict. If you have conflict, it pushes her further into the arms of whatever she’s reading online.

Social transitioning is not a benign act and the vast majority of children will desist if left well alone - The children I know who were confirmed by their parents had a much harder time than the kids who were just left alone and treated like it was no biggy. Just shrug and say fine - i would recommend not changing names or pronouns. Check what she's watching online, make sure she gets outside more, make sure she's doing physical stuff - rather than ruminating and sitting in her own thoughts. It's really normal for kids to try on images for size. Mine has done the same and would probably still consider herself "not a girlie girl" - well so what ? I spent my teen years in charity clothes trying to be grunge and wearing doc martens.

Get onto Genspect. Avoid Mermaids and any organisations that encourage self ID & social transitioning. Those are not sensible or respected organisations.

'that's nice dear, now help me wash the dishes' nails it.

You are right. There's many ways to be a girl. I wouldn't overthink it. My daughter is 18 and I think she still has a lot of figuring out to do, as to who she is, what her values are, where she stands on certain things. Just let your daughter be this for now, until it changes, and it will. Puberty changes everything.

Agree avoid these.

Remind her she’ll always be a girl /woman but she doesn’t have to stick to stereotypes.

Personally I'd be having a conversation with her about what she thinks it means to be female. It doesn't mean you need to dress in pretty pinks dresses with a bow in your hair in 4 inch high heels.
She can dress how she likes, work whatever job she likes, even if it is in a male dominated industry. Being called 'they/them' won't stop her periods coming, she is still safer getting dressed in women's changing rooms etc.
I wouldn't be jumping to change her name and pandering to this on a whim.
I wear jeans, hoodies and am not super girly. It doesn't make me gender neutral? You can not confirm to stereotypes of your sex, maybe you need to discuss stereotypes with her so she understands just because she doesn't conform to them doesn't mean she should reject her sex. She is 12, she will probably change personality many times before she reaches adult hood and she shouldn't pigeon hole herself as she may feel worse about having to change her mind later. If she discusses hormone treatments, please be aware that these may have consequences far in to adulthood and she may regret any irreversible choices taken now

I'd explain that gender stereotypes are reductive and regressive and pigeon hole people into traditional / old fashioned notions eg pink for girls

Modern approach would be to accept / embrace being female, and wear what you like eg jeans and short hair

Ask what she thinks being non binary would give her, that she can't have as a girl

And personally I wouldn't support new name and pronouns. As Dr Cass emphasised, social transitioning is not a neutral act

Steer well clear of all of those @Y0gamummy

Also this

I do apologise if I haven given crappy info, a friend mentioned them last week, can I ask why to avoid them so I can possibly let her know x