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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

SD10 asking personal questions around my husband and sons

71 replies

August21yellowbaby · 25/02/2025 17:55

Please nobody come at me :(

My step daughter is very vocal about changes to her body, and it's great she's not embarrassed but I am finding some things she's saying very invasive and things im not comfortable talking about infront of my husband and sons

She's 10 and whilst we were all eating dinner asked me "when did you first get discharge" I didn't reply immediately as it threw me abit, so my husband said "do you mean period" and she said no I mean discharge, the stuff that's in my knickers"

I just replied and said I can't remember and then she went on to say in more detail

When I was her age I would of never said anything like that around my dad, and we were very close, but for me that's just girl talk?

She said she had already spoken to her mum about it and had no questions, but was still pushy when it came to myself answering about my experience. I don't want to talk about this at the dinner table around my husband and sons

Am I wrong? She's not actually very close to us, it's quite a mission to actually get her to come round to our house now she's older, which I think is what makes it quite alien to me that she will just talk about this?

Sometimes I worry she's got no privacy/boundaries for herself

OP posts:

Springadorable · 25/02/2025 18:02

I would say something along the lines of "I will talk to you about changes to your body/sex but won't talk about changes to my body/my sex life".

So you could answer that girls start to get more discharge when their body is getting ready to start having a menstrual cycle for instance.

Lookuptotheskies · 25/02/2025 18:06

How old are her brothers?

Thinking of the families I know with more than one child, their siblings would be chiming in too, most likely to tell her it's not dinner table conversation regardless of the sex of said siblings.

Snorlaxo · 25/02/2025 18:09

I think it’s fine to say that it’s not dinner table talk. I wouldn’t want to discuss the boy equivalent at the dinner table either.

If you don’t want to discuss details then you might want to feign tactical amnesia (I honestly can’t remember when I first saw it )

Sassybooklover · 25/02/2025 18:12

At 10, I would expect her to understand that her question wasn't appropriate for the dinner table. It's good, that she's not embarrassed to discuss bodily functions etc, but there's a time and place. If the question had been asked to me, I would have said 'Jenny, now is not the time to ask a personal question, you and I can have a chat after dinner'. A conversation needs to be had, on boundaries, appropriate time/place for such questions.

Needmorelego · 25/02/2025 18:12

Just tell her "I'm happy to talk to you about this but not at the dinner table" and then as part of the talk you can include about why there is a time and a place for those types of conversations.
Is she does it again say "I told you I am not going to talk about this at the dinner time" and repeat as needed.

Spirallingdownwards · 25/02/2025 18:21

How old are the boys? I actually think it would be healthier to answer her factually. If you don't want to answer specifics tell her you don't remember. Honest and open answers like that in front of DH and your sons shows that there isn't a taboo about taking about her body and its functions. We don't have to hide it away as though girls don't have periods anymore.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 25/02/2025 18:27

It sounds as though she's no boundaries. Does she enjoy shocking you in other ways? What's her mother like? What does her dad do when she talks like that?

Original poster

August21yellowbaby · 25/02/2025 18:33

MounjaroOnMyMind · 25/02/2025 18:27

It sounds as though she's no boundaries. Does she enjoy shocking you in other ways? What's her mother like? What does her dad do when she talks like that?

Yes she comes out with some really inappropriate things at times. I think she's trying to be older than she is, by proving she knows all these details regarding sex etc .. she knows I'm a shy and private person and probably thrives off that

OP posts:

MounjaroOnMyMind · 25/02/2025 18:35

I just can't imagine being 10 and asking my stepmother that sort of question. It's really intrusive, in particular if you're with other people.

Is there any chance that someone is speaking to her in a sexual way? Does she go online?

StupidDeaths · 25/02/2025 18:36

I agree bodily functions are not dinner table talk but try not to be embarrassed about it if she’s not - my daughter is y5 and says that when they’ve had whole class sessions about puberty in y4 and this year, the girls have talked about when their mums started their periods and even the boys have chimed in if relevant about their sisters etc. and it all sounds very open and positive, no teasing or anything. I’m under no illusions that it’ll always be this way but I was really pleased it has started out like this at least for them and feel it’s an argument for starting talking about it earlier. Having said that I automatically feel a bit embarrassed when she asks personal questions when her two younger brothers (6/7) are around, which is ridiculous and I try my absolute hardest not to show it and just answer in a fairly factual way. I feel like this is a great opportunity for my boys to take in some of this info early on when they don’t feel any shyness about it. I don’t know how she’ll feel about sharing stuff when she actually starts developing; it’s a little way off for us.

In terms of talking about specifics, for me I feel it’s important because so much of puberty is genetic, but since you’re not her bio mother, I guess it’s not as important for that aspect. But I think if you shut her down she won’t forget it and you’re going to make life a lot harder for both of you; she IS going to have her periods while she is at her house, she IS going to be around your sons while going through puberty. She needs to feel comfortable talking to you about these things and you may be her first port of call over her dad. Try and get over your own embarrassment and other issues - maybe you can say to her, when I was younger we didn’t talk about this as openly; so it’s a bit hard for me; isn’t that funny! I’ll try my best though.

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 25/02/2025 18:39

I'd simply explain that there are appropriate and inappropriate conversations over the dinner table but that's not one of them and then change the subject.

Redfred00 · 25/02/2025 18:40

I would tell her it's not an appropriate dinner table conversation. My kids are much younger and are always talking about wee and 💩. I tell them not at the dinner table.

However, i don't think theirs any shame in discussing natural bodily functions in front of men / boys. How else will they learn about women's body's if not from their mothers and sisters?

I wonder if she asks you because she knows it makes you uncomfortable.

Original poster

August21yellowbaby · 25/02/2025 19:02

MounjaroOnMyMind · 25/02/2025 18:35

I just can't imagine being 10 and asking my stepmother that sort of question. It's really intrusive, in particular if you're with other people.

Is there any chance that someone is speaking to her in a sexual way? Does she go online?

Yes she is online. She's been on TikTok from age 6

OP posts:

Chillilounger · 25/02/2025 19:06

My DD speaks her mind on all sorts of issues at the dinner table, boys, things that happened at school etc but is very coy when it comes to periods etc and gets embarrassed if I mention anything when her Dad or brother are in the room.

Bellyblueboy · 25/02/2025 19:13

She sounds brilliant! No shame about her body - and that’s great.

a gentle word saying it’s not great dinner time conversation but let’s chat once the table is cleared.

when you say ‘she’s not that close to us’. What do you mean - surely you don’t include her dad I. That? That sounds really sad.

Bellyblueboy · 25/02/2025 19:15

Also it will do your sons the world of good not to think female bodily functions are shameful and icky.

i remember dating a boy who ran out to get his little sister pads and painkillers. I was raised in home like yours - this was kept a secret from the men. I remember thinking wow, what kind, enlightened bloke.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 25/02/2025 19:15

Ds announced his first pubes over tea with the ils...
Didn't go down well..

Acc0untant · 25/02/2025 19:19

It's not dinner table talk but why do you not think it's appropriate for your sons to hear? How will they ever realise girls' bodily functions are completely normal if nobody ever treats it as normal?

Original poster

August21yellowbaby · 25/02/2025 19:56

Bellyblueboy · 25/02/2025 19:13

She sounds brilliant! No shame about her body - and that’s great.

a gentle word saying it’s not great dinner time conversation but let’s chat once the table is cleared.

when you say ‘she’s not that close to us’. What do you mean - surely you don’t include her dad I. That? That sounds really sad.

She didn't take well to us having children together and distanced herself. We tried lots of things but in the end we just admitted it's best to let her do what she feels comfortable with

OP posts:

Original poster

August21yellowbaby · 25/02/2025 20:06

Acc0untant · 25/02/2025 19:19

The extent of detail she went into regarding a sex subject I didn't find appropriate. And asking me personal questions infront of my sons felt inappropriate

OP posts:

Bellyblueboy · 25/02/2025 20:07

August21yellowbaby · 25/02/2025 19:56

She didn't take well to us having children together and distanced herself. We tried lots of things but in the end we just admitted it's best to let her do what she feels comfortable with

Show quote history

that is so sad - she is so young and it sounds like you and your husband have become a single entity and there is no room for him to have a separate relationship with his daughter.

let her talk about her body and periods if she wants. Please. Maybe some family counseling would help. She is still so tiny and she sounds very sad and lonely. Has her dad stepped up to address this? He is the parent here.

Bellyblueboy · 25/02/2025 20:12

Also it sounds like you have some shame about female bodily functions. As I said I was raised this way - slightly sexist, old fashioned household where periods etc were embarrassing and a bit shameful and to be hidden from the menfolk.

This is a great opportunity to break that cycle - introduce gender equality and openness into your home. Raise men who can talk to their daughters about periods, who can nip to the garage and buy tampons, who can talk to their employees about female cancers without blushing and running away.

all this shame and embarrassment sends the message that women are less than men - that men shouldn’t have to be embarrassed by silly girly stuff.

Acc0untant · 25/02/2025 20:45

August21yellowbaby · 25/02/2025 20:06

The extent of detail she went into regarding a sex subject I didn't find appropriate. And asking me personal questions infront of my sons felt inappropriate

Show quote history

And I'm asking why?
What did she ask that you think a son shouldn't hear?

You need to be careful your attitude to her questions doesn't come off as something to be ashamed about, something she should hide in case the men folk don't like it.

Periods, discharge, pubic hair, puberty etc are all normal and shouldn't be hidden as shameful. Granted they're not allowed dinner table topics but the more they're spoken about in the open the less taboo they'll be for the next generation. That can only be a good thing.

dippy567 · 25/02/2025 20:52

I understand why you're embarrassed and I think fine to say not at dinner table. But I agree with others to answer factually. At 10 it's normal to be curious especially if learning about it at school and talking to friends. Surely it's a good think she feels comfortable wanting to talk about it....it's normal after all and probably better than the repressed way many of us were brought up. Chances are your sons will have female friends or girlfriends at some point.

I have 2 sons and have deliberately tried to be open about periods etc as don't want them thinking it's something bad or needs to be kept secret and hidden away. It's just normal...

localnotail · 25/02/2025 21:18

I might be slaughtered for this but do you think she is doing this on purpose? Like, she knows exactly what effect her words are going to have, and she simply being provocative/ wants to embarrass you.

I would say to her, very politely - we should not discuss discharge at the dinner table, lets talk about it afterwards. And continue to stress to her that some things are not to be discussed in public, and that you are happy to talk about it in private.

She is being quite weird about it, no matter what her reasons are. All the kids I know would die of cringe before saying something like this to their dad and brothers. Are you sure there is nothing more going on here?

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