SD10 asking personal questions around my husband and sons

[August21yellowbaby]

Please nobody come at me :(

My step daughter is very vocal about changes to her body, and it's great she's not embarrassed but I am finding some things she's saying very invasive and things im not comfortable talking about infront of my husband and sons

She's 10 and whilst we were all eating dinner asked me "when did you first get discharge" I didn't reply immediately as it threw me abit, so my husband said "do you mean period" and she said no I mean discharge, the stuff that's in my knickers"

I just replied and said I can't remember and then she went on to say in more detail

When I was her age I would of never said anything like that around my dad, and we were very close, but for me that's just girl talk?

She said she had already spoken to her mum about it and had no questions, but was still pushy when it came to myself answering about my experience. I don't want to talk about this at the dinner table around my husband and sons

Am I wrong? She's not actually very close to us, it's quite a mission to actually get her to come round to our house now she's older, which I think is what makes it quite alien to me that she will just talk about this?

Sometimes I worry she's got no privacy/boundaries for herself

Unless there's a drop feed coming that your DSD make be ND that blurs boundaries, this sounds like the kind of thing my youngest* would do to deliberately make someone she dislikes feel very uncomfortable. Could your DSD be trying to get a reaction?

*She's a 9 year old demon with a sharp tongue but it can be utterly hilarious sometimes.

I think it sounds like she does.

Can you just say ‘let’s talk about this later’ or I don’t want to talk about that right now. Then talk with her privately

No I don’t think everyone is autistic but is she? That lack of appropriate context/boundaries.

If not then I reckon she is trying to embarrass you, the sort of thing some kids might ask a female teacher to put them on the back foot. Posters saying you should answer her - when you feel completely uncomfortable doing so - are being weird. No one has to answer a personal question like that at any time, the OP can perfectly well say “if you want to talk about discharge let’s have a chat later” and she’s not going to give her a complex, and she doesn’t have to tell her SD or anyone anything that personal if she doesn’t want to.

'All women are different, some would be about your age, others younger and others older' would've been the sensible answer, surely?

Maybe try to tell her gently in a way that doesn’t make her feel ashamed. Gently say you could both talk about it after dinner in private. There you could explain that it is private and what sorts of things should be private and sacred to her. She might just want someone to talk about it to. I’m not surprised you find it jarring and odd, but ultimately she’s a child, and who knows why she is behaving like this, but unless you’ve sensitively and clearly explained to her why it’s inappropriate then it’s not fair to expect her to know better.

I’m confused about what you mean by “a sex subject”? It’s got nothing to do with sex?

She turned the conversation into a sexual topic

Thank you for this. For me, child or not, I still have my own privacy/ boundaries. For 35 years I've always done what everyone else wanted and put my own feelings last but recently I've stopped doing that.

How?

Does any adult in her life actually monitor her online behaviour? If she has been on TikTok since she was 6 presumably there has been pretty tight parental supervision?

That is wonderful. However, you seem to be focusing on a young child as the person who must respect your boundaries.

i think it’s interesting that your title refers to her saying what you consider to be inappropriate things in-front of your husband. When he is her dad.

Does he spend one on one time with her? Is she craving attention?

don’t make this a battle of wills between you and a young girl. Her dad needs to be the parent here.

She's saying things to shock and looking for a reaction......don't give her one. Just be factual and go back to eating your peas or whatever.

We don't allow it at our house but no monitoring at her house

I think she's doing this on purpose. I bet she could tell you were all uncomfortable and she enjoyed that. Tell her it's not appropriate to talk about bodily functions whilst others are eating. Discharge, periods, wee, poo - they are all natural but it's not polite to discuss them at dinner time. She sounds attention seeking and very immature.

Well that’s one hell of a dripfeed.

She’s still in primary school. This thread is awful. She is just a little girl who clearly has issues with her dad having a new family.

poor kid. So little compassion for a little girl. I would love to hear her dad’s perspective on this. Does he buy into his wife’s old fashioned views. Does he see himself as a husband or a dad in this situation. I hope he is a dad.

I wouldn’t be happy to discuss it either and I’m very open.I think putting up a boundary between yourself and this topic is fine.

It's not old fashioned to not want to talk about discharge and periods and sex during dinner. The girl has her mum to talk to and could ask her step mum after dinner. Yes he is a dad because he says no to Tiktok and social media. She has free access to potentially harmful material at her mum's house.

So when she is in your house does her dad take her phone and see what she is doing, what her search history is, check her tiktok history ?

sounds attention seeking, definitely raises concerns
a word about appropriate topics should be a good first start

You also need to consider that your step-daughter is very much aware her questions are inappropriate at the dinner table. However, she's realised her questions make you squirm in embarrassment. She can't control her Dad being with you or her Dad having more children with you but she can control this situation! You need to nip the questions in the bud at the table 'Jenny, this subject is not for the dinner table, but we will chat afterwards'. Then you make sure you do talk to her afterwards. You don't have to answer on a personal level, but rather on a factual one. Reign the embarrassment in, hide it, don't let her see it bothers you. Once she sees it no longer bothers you, she'll stop. Children can be crafty at times. Equally if you think she's doing this deliberately, you need to ask why? Perhaps some family or 1:1 therapy may help her deal with you being in her life etc.

Sounds like she's going for the shock factor to get attention maybe?

She must know that you don't discuss that stuff at the table when eating!!

Do you know her well enough to jokingly say 'bloody hell, I'm not talking about vaginas when I'm eating'. So it wouldn't embarrass her, and it's jokey but also lets her know you're not discussing discharge at a table 🙈

It’s not immature for a ten year old to be interested in puberty. It’s old fashioned to say this shouldn’t be discussed infront of OP’s husband.

I have a friend who is a brownie leader - one ten year old made bloody tampon earrings on her 3d printer😂. They ask each constantly about discharge and periods. Even Anne Frank wrote about it in her diary! It’s perfectly normal. Nn

yes discharge isn’t ideal dinner conversation - but it can be discussed in front of OP’s delicate husband.

and I’m really not sure about the link her with tik tok. She might watch with her mum - we don’t know. OP clearly isn’t close to this child.

She’s 10. It’s very simple to be matter of fact about physical body function but explain that over dinner it can be a bit off putting. If she starts asking questions about sex again explain not over dinner but her dad will explain after.

acting as if she’s some Machiavelli out to ruin your husband and sons innocence a bit weird. And I don’t see how a 10 year old or frankly younger can distance themselves? She’s not in charge of contact??