What would you, and your child, want them to learn to do independently?

[drspouse]

We are fairly hot on learning to do things independently (where it's mainly "things we want them to do" and "things they are near learning to do").
They are 12 and 10, the 12 year old has some SEN. They are now able to go to local shops, including buying the odd household thing (though obviously they prefer to buy sweets, which is OK as long as it's at the weekend!), put their washing on, help to hang it up, empty the dishwasher, DD makes hot drinks but DS doesn't really like them, DD can bake simple cakes independently if given advice, she walks to school and to a local club (the others, and DS school, are too far/inconvenient for independent travel, or the group asks parents to stay), I'm sure there's more.

I listened to this podcast recently - I like the series in general, it's very much our parenting philosophy for our ADHD DS, but this one is with a separate therapist who does what he calls "independence therapy".

https://www.listennotes.com/e/f2eac2619dfb430aa76de01c469cdcae/

What do you, or would you, suggest for independent activities for this age? What would your DC want or what have they asked to do?
One further point is that though both DCs are good in shops and good crossing the road, DS occasionally can't find somewhere he's been before (OK, hands up, I'm occasionally rubbish at that as well!) and he also has no friends (long story, I mean literally zero though). Both ride bikes but when we do roads I'd rather be with them currently (we could of course practice familiar routes before they try them alone).

Cook a meal (without looking like a tornado has torn through the kitchen).

Say no.

Isn’t this basically Montessori? Getting them to be actively involved in things, in very basic terms. Cooking is a good one, especially at that age. Given your children’s age they should also be able to come up with their own ideas? Give them a choice.

My kids are much older, but I'd say the things I wish I'd developed with them more before they left home were all related to developing resilience and problem-solving skills.
So they were competent in specific tasks, but not so good at being resourceful if things didn't go according to plan. So I'd say play games of 'What if..' with them to help them think about various scenarios e.g.

• you've lost your phone and you can't remember our mobile numbers, how can you contact us?
• You've forgotton your key, where can you go for 2 hours until we get home?
• Before always asking mum & dad, how/where else might you find answers to problems/ fixing things (just talking about everyday tasks here, not life crisis, obviously...)

Our younger one had SEN and definitely found it harder to think theough what to do in any situation - he just wanted 'the answer' given to him.

Oh we will do, but especially the older one will come up with dramatically impossible things (go to Mars), or may struggle to come up with anything at all so we'd like to make suggestions (even if not taken up).

That's a great thought @LlamaDrama20. My DD has been participating in "independence training" at school for the Y6s, so they get ready for high school. They've been sent off on the bus in groups for example, and I don't know if they've been told to think what they would do if something went wrong, but she did recount that two boys got on the wrong bus! I don't know if they realised before or after the bus left the stop!

Their school uniform/bags name stickers have my phone no on and I know at least DD knows that because she needs to know what to do if DS has a fit and she's the first to see it (they aren't that often now thankfully but just in case).

Noticing what needs doing an creating schedules or plans for themselves. Cognitive load

This is such an interesting thread!
My eldest is 10 and not very independent at all, so it's interesting. We live in a busy inner city area and I worry so much about them walking alone (fast cars, don't stop at zebras etc) but it has to start at some point.
I have been considering getting her to take a bus alone.

She doesn't have any diagnoses but is quite dreamy and I worry about things like making toast etc...but perhaps the best way is to learn from mistakes with an adult in the house.

Peel and chop veg
Strip and remake the bed
Take responsibility for remembering to charge their own phones and devices
Sew on a button
Cooking - start with simple things like beans on toast then build up to more complex things

How to tell if something is a scam
Passwords/internet safety

One of the things they said on the podcast was that people underestimate the risks of NOT doing something i.e. not teaching them to go out alone or make toast.

My DS was at my DD school until year 2 and they had a toaster in the classroom in Y1 and they could make their own toast. They've both been able to do it since then. They've been going to the park on their own since they were about, 9 and 7? After COVID but definitely at least 2 years ago - they only have to cross one road though.

As above- my ds8 makes toast and snacks etc. My dd 11 makes a meal. Both are learning to strip beds and put back on. Both are responsible for washing in basket etc. Dd charges phone etc. Both get clothes reay- pe kits / swimmibg kitsetc but do need nagging!

Mine can do most of these but I know the stroppy/forgetful teenage years are ahead of us! DS has dyspraxia so the button sewing is hard and he can't manage taking off the duvet cover or putting bedding back on.
These are definitely things we'd like them to learn - I wonder if anyone has things their DC has asked to learn or that they've been pleased to learn?

Mine both said they wish they'd learnt more about money and budgeting before leaving home. I think now that it's all ApplePay etc and not physical money it's somehow harder to understand.

Understanding about saving and interest rates/ bills and having a budget and splitting it between different things.

Some things my DDs have asked to learn...
Topping up washer fluid, checking oil etc on cars
Knowing where the fuse box and stopcock are.
Knowing what to do for a gas leak
Changing a light bulb
Flat pack furniture
Chopping Wood

I did a LOT of what @LlamaDrama20 suggests, with the "What would you do if..." scenarios, from when they were starting school until they were going out to house parties in 6th form.
It is a really useful strategy for them to think through situations before they start coming across them, be it being pressured to take drugs at a party or not being able to see me in the playground when they come out of the classroom at 7 yrs old.

Another one is being able to confidently ask for help, and to think about how to resolve issues. Don't give small dc the idea that people they don't know are automatically a 'danger', but teach them who is the best person to ask in different circumstances.

Yes, to practical things like knowing their address / parents' phone numbers and so forth, but as has already been said, you need to work towards .... "and what if that goes wrong" scenarios.

So, with cooking, yes, you start by getting them to help with baking, and with prepping a meal, but the real skill comes as they reach their teens with knowing when you can swap / leave out / add an ingredient..... when it is okay to eat food that might have gone past it's 'bb' date ...... what you can freeze, and if you do freeze it how you can then eat it later ....... how long leftovers can stay in the fridge ...... etc.

Getting the bus to town?

Actually communicating with adults in a shop- e.g return something or sending a parcel.

Letting them sort school stuff out themselves, let them email the teachers. Though mine took this too far and decided to give up her musical instrument and emailed the teacher herself (aged 11).

I think that by secondary age, they should be able to do most of the things an adult could do in running a household. Including cooking a family meal and clearing up afterwards. And, this is controversial although I don't know why, being able to entertain and look after younger siblings for short periods of time.

I was running children's parties aged about 15 but wasn't that keen on playing with my younger brother!

@drspouse "I was running children's parties aged about 15 but wasn't that keen on playing with my younger brother!"

Another important thing for them to learn is that you sometimes have to cheerfully do stuff you don't want to do!

Catch a train. From age 5/6, I regularly take the kids on the train and now make the eldest buy the tickets (on the app on my phone or at the ticket office if open), find and lead us to the platform, board first and choose us a seat. And reverse at the other end. I have also done this abroad.

Ive also shown them what to do if we encounter anti social behaviour (eg rowdy, football fans or drinking men) and how to handle it by quietly moving carriage and sitting near someone who looks more reliable (eg an older woman). This happens pretty rarely to be fair.

It’s a pain as sometimes it’s easier to rake the car but I think it’s worth the extra time for the lesson. I’ve not done the same yet for coaches, national express, though! I have started teaching about taxis, which are licensed, risks related to Uber, why local firms are better, how to keep yourself safe if alone in a taxi.

How to handle a household emergency. Especially if cooking, when and how to use a fire blanket, fire extinguisher, how to handle a fat fire (ie, don't throw water on it). When to call emergency services.

First aid course- I think this should be in the school curriculum myself so would totally pay for it if I could.

Food hygiene. Actually a basic food hygiene course would likely be useful to them in a few years if looking for jobs, and the ability to not poison yourself with cooking is def a valuable life skill.

Thinking back to being a fairly independent child....
Time management, thinking ahead etc.
So if they need x clothes for school, remembering to get them im the wash themselves without being reminded.
Tbh by 12 I was doing all my own washing as my own responsibility. Throwing a wash on and hanging it up aren't hugely time consuming chores but they are taking personal responsibility.

if they are going to a friends house and need to do homework of shower first eg that they can organise their own time without you hovering over them.

Changing their own bedsheets when needed without being asked.
Cleaning in general. Can they clean a window, mop a floor, dust?
Safely using cleaning chemicals, ie how to clean a toilet and not mixing bleach with other cleaners.
Should be ABLE to to everything, and at that age I think responsible for their own space at least. With oversight that it actually gets done though of course.
One of my sisters flatmates at uni didn't know you had to empty a vacuum cleaner.... she just thought it was broken!

Major one to move towards. managing their own money, learning how to budget. (Lots of apps out there) Interest rates, credit cards, importance of credit score, loans etc.

Obviously in an age appropriate way, but I'd try to move towards slowly increasing the money you give them and increasing the things it needs to cover. So eg buying their own toiletries/makeup over and above basic soap and shampoo. Buying own clothes.
Just be careful that you don't make them responsible for anything you aren't prepared to let them go without. So if you give them the clothing budget to buy their own clothes for 6 months and they spend it all on high fashion and no underwear or school clothes they've learnt nothing as you will have to buy it for them. But if they want expensive skincare they can learn to budget a weekly allowance to include saving for things they only buy once every few months for example.

More socially- how to say no politely but firmly to something they don't want to do. Resisting peer pressure, recognising boundaries, especially around bodily consent, and having the confidence to speak up are so important and hard for lots of people.

🤣🤣

(Not all are appropriate for this age - I'm thinking of the things it was useful for my DD to know before she went to university)

Catching a bus and a train (different skills)
Finding their way to an unfamiliar location using Googlemaps (or any other method)
Some money management/budgeting/using banking apps
Cooking and cleaning up afterwards
Meal planning (including understanding to use up perishable food first)
Buying things and booking things online
Understanding of appropriate clothing to wear for specific scenarios (both in terms of weather and appropriate formality)
Basic hygiene and looking after ones own medical needs (e.g. regular dentist/optician visits; knowing when to see the doctor; understanding of medical history)
Laundry and looking after clothes (including basic repairs)
Tidying/cleaning house
Learning when and how to ask for help
Communicating via letter/email and appropriate level of formality

Interestingly we wanted to put Google Maps on DD's phone because she is starting to know how to use it, but as we use Family Link she can't have it since she's under 13. You can only put it on phones with no restrictions.

I can see a lot of things here that we want them to learn to do - a few that children have asked for - I will try and ask them what they want to learn and report back!